Raph's POV

I'm trying to write a letter home. Have been for a while now. I don't know why this is so hard, I mean, it's just a letter home, after all. But it's still difficult. I guess that part of it is because I don't know whether or not I should write how I've been feeling and that kind of stuff cause I don't want to worry them. But...part of it is also that there are things I kinda want to write Master Splinter that I don't really want the others reading. Hmm...maybe my best option is just to write separate letters for each of them. Yeah. That's a good idea. I could just use a different piece of paper for each one and put them all in one envelope. Yeah. I guess I'll do that.

So now...who should I start with?

I took a deep breath and cleared my mind, about to start writing when...

Raphael.

I blinked several times before dropping out of the chair and assuming a lotus position on the floor. 

-Master Splinter?-

Raphael, my son!

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Leo's POV

"My sons, I just made contact with Raphael."

Our conversation with Donatello was promptly forgotten. The three of us bolted upright and leaned anxiously forward, waiting in tenuous silence for our father to speak. The pause dragged a little too long for my taste and my impatience got the better of me. "Is he alright?!"

"He will be fine."

We all let out a sigh of relief and relaxed a little. But just a little. I frowned and sat on the ground with my legs folded, about to contact Raphael myself and assess his situation, but a hand on my shoulder stopped me before I could do so.

"I'm sorry Leonardo, but Raphael still has a slight fever and maintaining such a long-distance contact with me, even for a short moment, has drained him. We must let him rest and recover." I wasn't too happy about that, and it must have shown because Father went on. "Fear not, my son. Despite his brief illness, your brother will be fine. Badgering him on the matter will only push him away. I prefer that from now on you and your brothers refrain from contacting Raphael through meditation. He needs to train just as you did, Leonardo. If he is ever to learn to control his anger Raphael must dig deep inside himself, my sons. And he cannot do that with the added burden of outside pressures. Let him be, my children."

My eye-ridges furrowed. "But father...you said that Raph's actions could have changed to course of our lives. And now we're just going to let him be?" My confusion and suspicion filled my voice and Master Splinter sighed. I frowned. He looked almost...defeated.

"I'm afraid that at this point, that is all we can do, my sons."

I don't like the sound of that. I don't really understand. After all, if there were some sort of unusual risk in Japan where this 'friend' of Sensei's is, he wouldn't have sent Raph there in the first place. I know that he wouldn't have. But obviously there was something Father didn't take into account. Something...that he now thinks could pose a threat to our existence as a family. Is he...Is he worried that Raph won't come back?

I thoughtfully took in the expression on my rat-father's face. Hm...I'd have to keep a close eye on Master Splinter from now on.

Three days have passed. And it's been a really slow week. Not many punks to beat up. And despite Sensei's reassurance we're still a little bit worried about Raph. I know Sensei told us not to make contact, but because we were raised as brothers our connection is a little bit closer than most, so I can reach out to Raph without actually making contact with him. I don't know whether Raph notices it or not. I have no idea why, but I seem to get the best readings on him around noon, which is strange since that's like two in the morning over there. But...contact through meditation sometimes works in mysterious ways. It's just about noon now, so I'm going to try and reach him again.

Since I'm only making partial contact I can only really scrape the surface of his consciousness, which consists mostly of vague physical and emotional cues. Right now he seems...calm, tired, yet strangely focused, which I'm not very accustomed to. I try to probe a little bit deeper, using all of my meditative focus. A sudden flash of annoyance makes me jump.

-Leo, for goodness sake, will you stop with the mind-probing?! You're worse than the aliens in Mikey's B-rated horror movies!-

Sudden warmth washed over me and a smile spread across my face as I pulled out of my meditative state. I pressed a hand to my plastron. Raphael...

I won't make contact with him. Like Sensei said, I shouldn't interfere with his training, no matter how much I miss him. Besides, he did sound pretty annoyed, so making contact right now might not be the best idea. Still, I'm just relieved to hear...er...feel his presence again. Especially after all that time we spent worrying.

The rest of the day passed slowly, but I was in a significantly better mood. Even Master Splinter noticed, but thankfully he didn't ask any questions. Finally, at the end of the day we all sat side by side on the couch watching some of Mikey's 'B-rated horror movies'.

Michelangelo had thankfully managed to coax Donnie out into joining us. I'm still worried about him. He hasn't been himself since Raph left and that story he told us about how Raph ended up getting hurt when we were eleven had left me feeling cold and numb. I can't believe that he blames himself. I feel that I should have somehow reached out to him and made him talk about it sooner. I feel like I could have somehow saved him the pain. Just another one of my failures as a big brother.

I know that it's difficult to understand, but being the leader and the big brother is really difficult. They aren't mutually exclusive, but they're definitely very different from each other. Sometimes I feel like even when I'm the best leader that I can be, I'm failing my brothers. I'm failing at being their big brother. And when I try to be a big brother and not a leader, I end up hurting them even more. In fact...that's why I stayed away for so long. I felt that couldn't be the son, the brother, and the leader that they deserved.

I didn't realize that I'd completely zoned out until April burst into the lair looking very excited. She stared at us for a few moments, then she glanced at the television and finally she walked over to us. "Hey guys!"

"Hey April." We murmured together, staring at her curiously.

"What's up?" I asked.

She smiled playfully. "Oh...nothing. I just have something for you guys."

That made us even more curious and we all turned our eyes away from the movie screen to look at her, making her smile even wider.

Donnie was the first to tire of the suspense and take the plunge. "Well, what is it?"

April reached into her purse, "You have mail."

We all jumped to our feet as she whipped out a thick, white envelope that was tarnished and a little bent. I recognized the handwriting instantly, even though it wasn't one that I saw often because the person it belonged to didn't like writing very much. I snatched the letter from April's hands making her jump in shock. I murmured a quick apology as I tore open the envelope and pulled out the contents. There were four separate papers folded neatly, each with a name scrawled loosely on the outside. I raised an eyebrow at that but handed my brothers the ones that were addressed to them, which they eagerly opened and began to read. I went to the dojo and gave Master Splinter his before I decided to head to my room. I don't know why, but I wanted to read Raph's words to me in private since he'd gone to the trouble to actually write separate messages to each of us.

I was almost to my door when I paused and glanced across the hall. The next thing I knew, I was in Raph's room, laying in his hammock, the letter clutched tightly in both hands. I'm not entirely sure why I came in here. But...being here somehow makes me feel closer to Raphael. Even if only a little.

I unfolded the paper slowly, slightly apprehensive of what it might contain. With a slow, deep breath, I began to read.

Hey Fearless.

Hope our brothers haven't been givin' ya too much trouble lately. Bet yur job's a lot easier without me around to question yur orders all the time.

So, uh, don't worry 'bout me and all that... I'm fine. Just caught some kind of fever bug or something that's been going around. My Sensei says I was delirious for a little while. But I'm doing better now so...yeah. Oh, and I got in trouble for stickin' my beak where it didn't belong.

I paused at the end of that sentence, frowning deeply and disapprovingly before I moved on, almost falling out of the hammock in shock.

Don't gimme that look, Leo. And don't ask what look, either. You know exactly what look.

I gaped disbelievingly for a few moments before I finally absorbed the fact that Raph had been on the wrong side of my ire enough times to actually know exactly how I'd react to things.

So...Japan's really your kind of place, big brother. It's all quiet and serene and stuff, a little too quiet for my taste.

I smiled. If it's as quiet as he says he's probably getting restless.

We're tucked away in an old sanctuary high in the mountains. It's real out of the way but its beautiful. Of course, that doesn't mean that I'm not bored out of my mind half the time. Or at least the times when I'm not training. Master Adachi has this old jalopy that time forgot and I wanna start fixin' her up in my spare time, well what little spare time I have. Master Adachi has a killer training schedule. He's also making me write and speak in Japanese. He's super annoying and he's kind of a dick sometimes. But there are other times where actually kind of reminds me of Master Splinter. I don't know why, but I always get this weird feeling when he looks at me, like he can see right through me. And let me tell ya bro, that shit is really uncomfortable.

Anyway, the first month of my training is almost up. Think you can hold up till I get back? Don't bother answering that. I already know you can.

I frowned yet again. Honestly, Raphael, after everything that's happened, and the change in our family just in these first few weeks...I'm really not sure I can. We need you back, little brother. We want you back.

Bet that if I was there right now you'd be lecturing me jumping head-first into trouble without you guys there to back me up. That's okay though. Just make notes of everything you want to say and you can recite it when I come home, okay? Mikey and Donnie can cook up some popcorn and you can start roasting me as soon as I get in the door. Knowing you it'll probably take all night.

But you know...that's fine with me. It's so darn quiet up here that even listening to one of your lectures sounds fun.

-Raph

P.S. Miss ya. (And if you ever tell anyone I said/wrote that I will pound you.) Also, you don't have to write back. I know you don't like writing letters to me.

I frowned in confusion. What did Raphael mean by that? Why would he even think that? I mean...I did get a couple letters from him while I was in the jungle. I hadn't answered them because they were mostly just rants about the fact that I had left. The words were just pure anger and I saw no hope in fighting a fire with paper letters. It would have just been more fuel for the fire.

Clutching Raph's letter tightly in my right hand I started to head for the door when I saw that one of Raph's drawers was open. Huh. Nobody had been in here since he'd left, at least not that I knew of. So Raph must not have closed it all the way when he was packing his things. I went over to it and was about to close it when I saw what was inside. This...this was a drawer of Raph's treasures. There was a little toy car that Donnie had fixed and given him for his seventh birthday. There was a small stack of drawings, obviously Mikey's, depicting Raph in silly and somewhat ridiculous situations. My heart stopped as I fingered a picture that Sensei had taken with a camera that Donnie had managed to fix up. It was me and Raph on our tenth birthday. Mikey and Donnie had gone to bed, but Raph and I had decided to stay up and watch movies. The picture showed the two of us curled up on the couch, with me clinging to Raph's side for warmth. I smiled brightly. I didn't even know Master Splinter had taken this picture. Huh. I wonder when he gave it to Raph...

Maybe I should ask him about it.

I stepped softly and respectfully into the dojo. Splinter must have finished reading the letter Raphael wrote him because he now seems to be deep in thought. "Father?" I asked slowly as I kneeled in front of him.

"Yes, my son?"

"I have read Raphael's letter to me, Father and there are a couple things that I do not understand. I was hoping to ask you for advice on how to proceed."

He nodded. "Of course, Leonardo."

"Well, before I get to that. I wanted to ask you about this." I showed him the picture. "I found it in one of Raph's drawers."

He smiled, his face lighting up a little with amusement. "Ah yes. The two of you were so little back then."

I rolled my eyes a little and smiled back. "It wasn't that long ago Sensei."

"Indeed. The time passed so quickly. So, you want to know why I gave this picture to Raphael?"

"Hai Sensei."

Splinter lowered his gaze. "The answer is very simple, my son. It was when you and Raphael were beginning to get into increasingly dangerous bouts of aggression. I gave him this picture to remind him that no matter what you were his brother and that you would always love him."

"He...doubted that I did?" I asked slowly, suddenly feeling incredibly cold, like an icy hand had taken hold of my heart. To my relief Master Splinter shook his head.

"No, my son. His heart always knew. But one's eyes can play devious tricks."

I nodded and quickly excused myself, the other questions I wanted to ask completely forgotten. I rushed to my room and slammed the door behind me. Moving with extreme focus and purpose I swept over to my desk, taking out all the needed materials. I'm about to do one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life: I'm going to write a letter to my hotheaded younger brother.

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