Anxiety Attack.

PLEASE COMMENT.

Calum: Calum and I hurried into the waiting room, scanning our eyes for some familiar faces. Thankfully, there were only a few other people there so we easily found Luke and Michael. "Where is he?" Calum asked the two about Ashton, panic clear in his voice. I gave his hand a comforting squeeze as I continued to hold it. "He went into emergency surgery." Michael told us sadly. I felt my heart stop and a lump form in my stomach. I motioned for Calum to take the seat beside Luke and I sat down down on Calum's other side, still keeping hold of his hand. I brought them up to my lips and kissed his knuckles reassuringly. "What's happened to him?" I ask Luke and Michael hoping that they would know. "His appendix almost burst." Luke told us. I sighed in defeat and leaned my head against Calum's shoulder and he rested his head on mine. A doctor came through the doors and everyone's head shot up, instantly looking towards her. They called out some other patient's name and the only other people in the waiting room followed her. "He'll be ok." I whispered to Calum trying to calm him. "But what if he won't?" He asked. "He will be." I repeated. Calum placed a chaste kiss to the top of my head before slinging his arm around me. Michael stood up and stretched out a little bit. "I'm gonna go for a walk. Anyone wanna join?" Michael asked. Calum and I shook our heads in reply as Luke stood up, following after him after saying quick goodbyes and asking us to call if we hear anything. Calum sat up and leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees and hiding his face in his hands. I sat up too, placing my hand on his lower back, rubbing in small circles to try and relax him. It surprised me when I heard soft whimpers escape his lips and that was the moment I became really worried. Calum never really cried unless he was in a lot of pain or something serious like that. I knew the second we found out that his best mate was in hospital that he was stressing but I didn't know that he was this distraught. His breathing hitched in his throat as he tried to stop himself from crying and I tugged his hands away from his face to get him to look at me. "Calum you're ok. Ashton's going to be ok." I tried to soothe him but I could tell that he was stressed that he had gotten himself into a panic attack. I noticed one of the small water dispensers a few feet away from us with the tiny plastic cups to the side. I quickly stood up and hurried over, filling a cup of water and bringing it over to Calum. His hands were shaking so I held onto it for him. "Just breathe deeply, Cal. In. Out. In, out, baby." Within a few minutes, he seemed to calm down enough to breath easier and his crying had softened down to slight sniffling. I handed him the cup of water and sat down beside him as he drank it, placing the empty cup on the floor beside him once be had finished. "I'm sorry, Y/N." Calum apologised, ashamed of his breakdown. I gently turned his face to look at me, keeping my hand resting lightly on the side of his face. "Don't apologise, Calum. I love you, alright? He's going to be ok. I promise you."

Ashton: "You ready?" Ashton asked me, giving my hand a light squeeze as he looked to me. "Yes." I lied. I felt sick to my stomach and I would rather be anywhere else but here, though I knew I had to do this. "Stay close to me. You'll be fine." He assured me before the door of the van was opened and I was being pulled along behind Ashton. You couldn't prepare yourself for the screams. They were coming from every direction from almost every fan who was surrounding us. I grabbed onto Ashton's arm for a greater sense of comfort and I tried to keep my head down as we walked through the crowd of people who were trying to get to us. Things for the boys to sign were being shoved in our faces as we walked past, crying and screaming and people reaching out to touch them. "Ash..." I muttered feeling a tightness in my chest. He slung his arm around me, pulling me closer to him as we were getting nearer to the door, though I already felt a loss of breath. We finally reached the doors to the studios and we were hastily pushed inside where we were lead to the boys' dressing room. Ashton led me over to the couch away from the boys where they all got out their phones and began doing their own things. I placed a hand over my chest and shut my eyes as I tried to focus on breathing. My throat felt dry and like it was burning, almost like it was closing up. Ashton placed his hand on my lower back, rubbing in circles as he tried to get me to calm down. "Breath in, I'm right here." He spoke to me. "Ash." I muttered his name once more. "I can't breathe." I chocked out. I could see the plain in his eyes as he looked at me before standing up and hurrying over to the window to open it. The boys looked over to him and then at me, sensing something was wrong. I reached my hand out to Ashton to which he took as he sat back down next to me. I was now panting, struggling for air as the room seemed to get smaller. Michael quickly made his way over to us and kneeled down beside me on the floor, soothingly moving his hand in circles on my back like Ash was doing moments ago. I could tell that the other boys were unsure what to do but they have us space thankfully, guessing that I needed it. Ashton joined Michael on the floor, only he kneeled in front of me and cupped my face in his hands. "Y/N, look at me baby." He spoke. "Copy me, ok? In. Out. In. Out." He said as he breathed deeply. I tried my best to copy him though it felt near impossible. "You can breathe, alright? Just focus on me." He added. I locked eyes with him and continued to repeat his actions until my breathing had slowed down massively. I was now sitting with my eyes closed, breathing heavily but easier. Ashton stood up along with Michael, thanking him before sitting back down next to me. He wrapped his arms around me as I continued to sit bent over. "You're ok."

Luke: I always tried not to focus on it: the hate that is, but now it seems like the only thing on my mind. I've received hate from the start and sadly, I expected it but I never paid attention to it until now. I couldn't do anything without being judged and now I judged myself too. I was reading through my mentions on twitter and Instagram; who knows why I did, but for every nice thing said about me, there were twenty bad things. My heart started to race as the stress got to me. Everything I read was beating me down more. I started to cry but I didn't try to stop myself, instead I continued reading. There were death threats being sent to me and at this point I didn't really want myself to be alive either. I was being told I wasn't worthy enough of Luke or anything good and that I should kill myself. I slammed the screen of the laptop down and let out a massive cry. I was panting by now as I tried my hardest to catch my breath back but I knew it was no use. I heard hurried footsteps from upstairs and I saw Luke as he ran down the stairs worriedly. "Luke." I cried out. He rushed over to me once he saw my state, my hands gripping onto him as I panicked. "Baby, baby, baby, what's wrong?" He asked me. "Luke, I can't breathe." I cried. Before I had time to stop him, he was lying me down on the couch, grabbing a couple of cushions and sticking them under my feet to prop them up. I tried to sit up but Luke gently pushed me down again. "Stay there, Y/N." He said to me. I closed my eyes shut, fighting hard to breath as Luke disappeared. He returned less than a minute later with a cold wet flannel, placing it on my forehead to cool me down. He took hold of my hand and with his free one, he moved it up to soothingly run through my hair. "Luke." I whimpered once more feeling weak and not in control of my body. "Take deep breaths babe." He instructed me. I opened my eyes to see him looking down on me. My breaths were trembling but I soon managed to catch them. I was still crying faintly, my body shaking every now and then but I was breathing. Luke's hand was still holding onto mine and his other was still stoking my head. He gently lifted me up a little so he could sit down, my head resting in his lap. I clung onto his arm, my body still weak and my eyes struggling to stay open but I held onto him. "I love you so much." Luke whispered to me. "I love you too." I murmured softly. "What happened baby?" He asked me in concern. I sniffled and cuddled closer to him, thinking of what to say to him. "The hate." I told him. "They were telling me you couldn't love me and that I was worthless. They said they wanted me to kill myself and I felt like I wanted to for a second. Then I just couldn't breathe." I added on, my voice sad and croaky. Luke lifted me up slightly so I was now sitting in his lap and leaning against his chest. "Nothing like that they say is true, you hear me? I am crazy in love with you, Y/N. And if you ever feel like that again you come straight to me or you call me, ok? I'll be right here every time. I love you." He promised me, placing a chaste kiss to my head. "Thank you Lukey. I love you."

THOUGHTS??

Michael: Text books and notes were sprawled out all across my desk. There were screwed up notes on the floor beside me and broken pencils which had been snapped in frustration. My eyes were strained and the the bright lights were causing me to have a headache though a lot of it was because of all the work I was doing. "Baby, come to bed." I heard Michael groan from the doorway. "I'll be there soon. Just go get some sleep Mikey." I told him. "You said that an hour ago." He complained as he walked over to me. "Michael, I need to get this done!" I snapped at him, my lack of sleep having a big effect on my behaviour. "No, you need rest. You don't need to put so much pressure on yourself." He told me. "You can't tell me what to do. You've never even done this. You left school, remember?" I spat. His features softened as he bent down beside me. I dropped my head onto the desk, hiding my face in my crossed arms. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that." I apologised sadly. "Don't be." He assured me as his hands moved up to play with my hair. I lifted my chin up so that it was resting on my arm and that I could see Michael. "I can't do this." I told him as I let tears escape my eyes. He moved his thumb to wipe them away but they kept coming quicker. "Don't cry sweetie." Michael begged me. "I'm going to fail and I'm not going to get a decent job and you're going to leave me and-" I rushed out my words before I realised how hard it was becoming to breathe. I sat upright suddenly, hoping that it would make it easier to catch my breath but it didn't. "Sweetie, you're going to be fine." Michael tried to calm me. "You're not going to fail, you will get the job you want and don't even think for a minute that I will leave you because I can't do that." He pulled my hair out of my face and tied it back before turning my to look at him. "Everything's going to be ok." He pulled me into his arms and my ear pressed against his chest where I could hear his heart beat. I tried to match my breaths with his and soon enough I felt myself beginning to calm down. Michael kept one hand around my back as the other when and hooked under my knees. He carried me through the house to our bedroom and he carefully set me down on my side of the bed. He walked around to his side and pulled his shirt off before sliding in next to me. He let me cuddle up against him and he kept his arms around my waist. "Get some sleep, Y/N. I love you." He whispered to me before placing a kiss to my forehead. "I love you too, Mikey."

-

16/12/14

I am always here if you want to talk to me. I have had A LOT of panic attacks before so if you ever need someone, I'm right here. I love you and remember God does too.

The boys love you and they don't want you harming yourself - I promise you.

Take care, Hakunahemmings.