I was feeling completely out of it. My head was fuzzy and I felt on the verge of puking my guts up, but there was nothing in my stomach to barf out. And that just made the pain worse. Honestly, I even felt on the verge of tears. 

I was nervous. Something I wasn't too used to, I have never been nervous like this anyways. 

I was going in for another check up. Seeing how the meds weren't working and Chemo just seemed so pointless, the doctors said I at least should get check ups every few weeks. Extremely close dates, in fact. And the thing is, Gerard wanted to attend them. I still haven't told him the bad news yet, I was scared of Gerard having to find out about the condition, the worst condition I was in. I didn't want him to know. I felt it would bring him pain. But I knew if somehow he just found me dead, that would make more pain. I was terrified of that happening too, so I just agreed for him to come with me. Though, he wouldn't be hearing what condition I'm in, hopefully. 

We walked into the cancer center holding hands, Gerard was smiling and confident, I was quiet and nervous. There was no reason for me to be nervous, but for some reason I was. 

We were both brought into the room immediately. I was sitting on the uncomfortable bed and Gerard sat next to me in a lousy excuse for a chair. He was still smiling. Only if he knew. I thought to myself, I turned to him and said something that has been on my mind since day 1, "You're adorable." I was blushing like mad when he looked at me and realized what I said, "Aw you're so cute, I love you Frankie." He looked down at his hands that were folded in his lap. My throat was beginning to close, I was sweating, those words were one of my biggest fears, I could never tell him that back, I can't even think about it. 

"I-I can't say it back." I whispered. 

"I know," he said plainly, "I just wanted you to know." He was looking straight into my eyes, his eyes were the most beautiful shade of hazel mixed with dark green, I could get lost in his eyes forever. We were interrupted by the door opening, it was the doctor. He had all smiles, which was complete bullshit because he works on the cancer ward. What, is he smiling because he doesn't have cancer? Does cancer please him? Like what the hell? I'm scared of cancer, it doesn't put smiles on people's faces.

"Okay, Mr.Iero, I'm aware that you're here for just a check up?" The doctor, which didn't even bother to give me a name, asked. I shook my head, I was now aware that Gerard slipped his hand into mine. 

"Now it says here that the medication isn't working? Are you still doing chemo?" He asked. I swallowed and slightly glanced to Gerard. His smile was wiped right off of his face. I looked back at the doctor with an ice cold expression, "No." I said plainly, but really I was in pain. Gerard knew now, and I was scared about his reaction. I looked at Gerard again, his face was even pale and looking more sad than before. 

"Okay." The doctor said and left the room, to get god knows what. I didn't bother turning to Gerard, I was ashamed. At this moment I realized I should've told Gerard despite what my gut feeling was, my emotions were shot enough, what if Gerard didn't want to date a walking corpse like myself? 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Gerard whispered after a few moments of silence. 

"I didn't want to worry you." I shrugged, I didn't really know why I didn't tell him. I was confusing myself. 

"Bullshit. Frank, you know you can trust me, right? I'm always gonna be here for you." He was stressing the fact that I could trust him, he must have figured out that I have trust issues. 

But that's when I realized, I could trust someone. For once in my life, I had someone I could put my trust into, he was always going to be there. I didn't only have a boyfriend, but for once, I had a friend. The one thing I always was sorely lacking in my life. A friend. 

"I know." I whispered after his words sunk in. Trust. 

Gerard's eyes lit up like Christmas trees, it made me happy.

"I have a few ideas for songs." Gerard said as we sat in the back lounge of the bus. 

"Really? What do you plan on calling the album?" I asked as I munched on some chips. Everyone thought it would be best if I just took the Cancer pills anyway, so to do so, I had to have some food in my stomach, despite how much it made me sick. 

"The Black Parade." He answered with a smile. I love when Gerard talks about music, near his eyes he gets these little wrinkles and his tiny teeth show, not to mention his small nose scrunches up the slightest bit. 

"What's it about?" I continued throwing questions at him. 

"Uhm, death." He was more quiet when he said this. I frowned, he wasn't one to think about anything deep like death. 

"Gee, are you okay?" I whispered, he looked up at me, tears brimming his eyes. "Fine." He choked out, he tried playing it off like he was fine. But god dammit, he was not fine. 

And before you ask, no, I don't believe in god. If he is real, he used his shitty powers to infect me with shitty cancer. And sooner or later, he'll take me away from the only person I ever fucking loved fully in the world; Gerard Way. 

"You are not okay, Gerard, come here." I patted my lap. He slowly walked over and sat on my lap, I wrapped my arms around him. "My mom would be so proud." I closed my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder. 

"What did you say?" He asked, wiping his eyes from the stray tears running down his cheeks. 

"I said, my mom would be so proud." I opened my eyes and looked into his. He was confused, "Why do you say that?" He sniffled. "Because, I found someone so fucking perfect to waste the rest of my life on." I whispered. He smiled. He actually smiled, and that made me smile. 

"I love you." He whispered. 

"I know." I said. 

Bob walked in at that time, "So, I heard you have plans for a new album?" He glanced at Gerard who was still in my lap and smirked, "Knew it." He whispered. I rolled my eyes, I think everyone knew by this point. I mean hell, Mikey told Gee's parents, they were cool with it. They were actually happy that Gerard had me, I guess they think I'm a good fit for their son. Well, their eldest son. 

"Yeah, it's called The Black Parade." Gerard smiled. Note to self: If Gerard is ever sad, start talking about music. It cheers him right up. 

Literally, I write that down later. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 1. I'm scared of the thought that people don't take time to realize what they have

2. I'm scared of the thought of swallowing a simple pill.

3. I'm scared of the thought of someone giving me pity

4. I'm scared of the thought that one day, someone will know exactly what I'm thinking.

5. I'm scared of the thought, that I don't know what to think. 

6.I'm scared of the thought of  people reading my mind off of how I act or look. (Just like Gerard)

7. I'm scared to be alone. 

8. I'm scared of the dizzy and noxious feeling I get. 

9. I'm scared of telling people personal things about myself. 

10. I'm scared of eating in front of people. They'll judge me. 

11. I'm scared of death.

12. I'm scared of Mrs.Rodgers.

13. I'm scared to tell Gerard about my condition. 

14. I'm scared about my mom not being here.

15. I'm scared at how much I'm opening up to Gerard.

 16. I'm scared of the day Gerard finds out about my condition.

17. I'm scared of the feeling and emotion Gerard holds in himself. 

18. I'm scared because I might not live to see one day.

19. I'm scared of the thought of liking a routine. 

20. I'm scared of telling someone I love them. If they aren't my mom, that is.

21. I'm scared of someone being payed to care. 

22. I'm scared of false hope. 

23. Yet again, I'M SCARED OF DEATH.

24. I'm scared of people staring at me. 

25. I'm scared of falling in love with someone. 

26. I'm scared of a part of me, or myself being drawn. 

27. My own reflection scares me. I look like a zombie. 

28. I'm scared of Dennis

29. I'm scared of Gerard's parents knowing I have cancer.

30. I'm scared of slowly falling for someone. 

31. I'm scared of the thought that the person I'm falling for won't catch me.

32. I'm scared of getting butterflies (over someone)

33. I'm scared of how nice Gerard is. 

34. I'm scared of hurting Gerard. 

35. I'm scared I'll hurt Gerard if I tell him how I feel. 

36. I'm scared I'll hurt Gerard if I reject him.

 37. I'm scared I'll worry Gerard and distract him from what he loves.

38. I'm scared about not telling Gerard.

39. I'm scared about being alone for my own death.

40. I'm scared of my own destruction.

41. I'm scared that I could over-dose.

42. I'm scared of seeing my mom's pale face, and vise versa.

43. I'm scared of normal names, they're too plain.

44. I'm scared of Gerard finding out about my condition.

45. I'm scared of Gerard finding me dead. 

46. I'm scared of cancer. 

47. I'm scared of Gerard's reaction