Full Chapter name- You're Scared To Die When You're Already Dead.

It's been months. 

I was sitting on the tour bus couch. There really wasn't much to do when you're constantly traveling, I think we all learned that. But we managed to make the best of our time. Especially Gerard and I, because he was still determined to keep his promise. That he would make my life incredible. But yet, he was still in denial, that one day I would die. There is no question about it really, everyone dies at some point. Including me, wheather it be from natural causes or the cancer cells taking up most of my body, eating me alive and leaving me to rot in a casket underground some where. I guess I'm too honest about this, but what do you expect? All I am is a kid who had cancer for years now, being forced to face the facts and live in the cruel reality life has to offer. 

I did feel sort of bad, lying to Gerard and his family. Telling them I was alright, like I was on my way to a slow recovery. When in reality, I was probably the complete opposite. But I didn't want them to worry. Worrying can be a fear of mine, but it's not too major. 

I was staring at the Tv. But I wasn't watching it. I was just too focused on my thoughts. Deep thoughts. I never really get a minute alone to even think about deep things such as dying anymore. I was always accompanied by someone. The whole band knew about the cancer. As Gerard thought it was best to at least tell them so they wouldn't think I was taking pills because of a drug addiction or something. Ray and Bob cried, Mikey already knew but he was still sad. Gerard, he just sat there. I was just there...It was awkward for me, seeing people feeling sad because of me, feeling sorry for me. It wasn't something I was used to or too fond of exactly. 

But then, that made me wonder about Gerard. We've known each other for awhile I guess, and we both know we like each other. I'm pretty sure we were what you would call dating, but no one really knew about us. I was scared to tell anyone I was gay or bisexual, whatever you call this. Gerard probably was to. Not only is he dating a kid who could ruin his life at any moment, but he has to face up to people and tell him he's attracted to a guy. He probably feels ashamed to be near me, kiss me, or even be attracted to me. I don't blame him. 

"Frankie, did you take your pills today?" Gerard asked. I just shook my head, still in thought. 

"Hey, Sunshine, what's wrong?" Gerard asked softly and sat next to me. He wrapped his arms around my waist. I just looked at him as I wrapped my arms around his neck and sat on his lap. 

"It's ironic you call me Sunshine, you know?" I said. 

"Why's that?" He asked, making his cute confused face. 

"You're calling someone sunshine when they could bring you darkness at some point." I said. It was like I was slowly hinting around about not being alright. 

"You could never make me feel darkness. I love you too much for that to happen." He loves me too much. Exactly. So if I were to die or do something, he would hurt even worse because he loves me too much. He's clung to me. But I'm too selfish to let him just walk away from me. 

"Remember the promise you made about making my life incredible before I die?" I asked and looked in his eyes. I could tell he was scared, on edge even. 

"Yeah, why?" He questioned slowly. 

"I need you to make me another promise." I said. He softened up. He looked relieved actually. 

"What is that?" He smiled. I smiled back. 

"I need you to finish my song when I die." I said. He nodded his head, "Okay." He said seriously. 

Just then, Mikey walked in. He sat on the couch opposite from us and smiled. I started to move off of Gerard while my cheeks were turning pink. 

"You don't have to leave. I know you guys like each other." He laughed. I looked at Gerard who was smiling nonstop at my rosey colored cheeks, which made me blush an even deeper red. 

"Oh okay." I said as I wrapped my arms around Gerard's neck again and sat my head on his shoulder. "I'm gonna miss this." I whispered quietly. I didn't know if Gerard heard me or not, if he did, he knew what I was talking about and ignored me. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Gerard was writing songs. We all agreed to name the album The Black Parade. I had to leave in the middle of the writing process, because I felt sick. 

After a few hours of this sick feeling, Gerard demanded he take me to the hospital. So here we are, in the waiting room. 

"Mr. Frank Iero." A nurse called out. I stood up with Gerard and walked over to her. 

"Can I speak with Mr.Iero in private?" She asked sympathetically. Gerard furrowed his eyebrows and nodded his head, "Yes, of course." he agreed. I nodded my head as well and followed her down the hallway. 

"Frank, it seems that your medication isn't working. There's nothing we can do, we tried everything. I'm sorry." And there it was, those taunting words that made shivers go down my spine. I wasn't going to tell Gerard thought, that would make him worry. And I'm scared that if I worry Gerard he won't be able to focus on what he loves to do- music and drawing. But yet, I'm scared about what could happen if I didn't tell Gerard. I was scared that I would be alone for my own death. 

I walked back out to Gerard, my eyes were probably an annoying red color and my voice was probably scratchy. But I didn't care. 

"I'm fine, just allergies." I sniffled to make it believable. He didn't look like he bought it, but he didn't argue against it. 

We got ready for another show. Our last album, Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge, was a huge success. Gerard came up with the idea of stage costumes and what not for each album we make, and they were really cool costumes too. Probably the best I've ever seen. 

We got on stage and broke off into song. We had many fans now, our band's music spread like wild fire. Tons of people seemed to love it, which made me happy. 

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 1. I'm scared of the thought that people don't take time to realize what they have

2. I'm scared of the thought of swallowing a simple pill.

3. I'm scared of the thought of someone giving me pity

4. I'm scared of the thought that one day, someone will know exactly what I'm thinking.

5. I'm scared of the thought, that I don't know what to think. 

6.I'm scared of the thought of  people reading my mind off of how I act or look. (Just like Gerard)

7. I'm scared to be alone. 

8. I'm scared of the dizzy and noxious feeling I get. 

9. I'm scared of telling people personal things about myself. 

10. I'm scared of eating in front of people. They'll judge me. 

11. I'm scared of death.

12. I'm scared of Mrs.Rodgers.

13. I'm scared to tell Gerard about my condition. 

14. I'm scared about my mom not being here.

15. I'm scared at how much I'm opening up to Gerard.

 16. I'm scared of the day Gerard finds out about my condition.

17. I'm scared of the feeling and emotion Gerard holds in himself. 

18. I'm scared because I might not live to see one day.

19. I'm scared of the thought of liking a routine. 

20. I'm scared of telling someone I love them. If they aren't my mom, that is.

21. I'm scared of someone being payed to care. 

22. I'm scared of false hope. 

23. Yet again, I'M SCARED OF DEATH.

24. I'm scared of people staring at me. 

25. I'm scared of falling in love with someone. 

26. I'm scared of a part of me, or myself being drawn. 

27. My own reflection scares me. I look like a zombie. 

28. I'm scared of Dennis

29. I'm scared of Gerard's parents knowing I have cancer.

30. I'm scared of slowly falling for someone. 

31. I'm scared of the thought that the person I'm falling for won't catch me.

32. I'm scared of getting butterflies (over someone)

33. I'm scared of how nice Gerard is. 

34. I'm scared of hurting Gerard. 

35. I'm scared I'll hurt Gerard if I tell him how I feel. 

36. I'm scared I'll hurt Gerard if I reject him.

 37. I'm scared I'll worry Gerard and distract him from what he loves.

38. I'm scared about not telling Gerard.

39. I'm scared about being alone for my own death.