"Have you any idea how worried I am, Nicholas?" sabi ni Mama. "Pati na and Dad mo!"

Kanina pa siya palakad-lakad sa harap ko na parang hindi alam kung pa'no ako sisimulang pagalitan. Si Nikolaus nakaupo, sinusundan siya ng tingin.

"Kulang na lang tumawag na kami ng mga pulis kahahanap sa'yo!" Tumataas na ang boses niya. "Ano ba'ng nangyayari sa'yo? Hindi ka naman dating ganiyan! You're failing school. You always come home late. Hindi na kita maintindihan! For once, Nico, give your Dad and I a break! Puro na lang sakit ng ulo ang binibigay mo sa'min!"

"Ironic," I snicker.

"What?" Mom shots a glare at me and I automatically cringe.

"Nothing, Ma."

She stares at me hard. "What? No excuses this time? Himala, hindi ka yata sumasagot ngayon?"

I just stare at the floor and keep quiet. I can't help but wonder if Abbie got home safely. Or if she's crying again because of the things I said. But then, I tell myself that this is for her own good. I can't have her hurting night and day because of me like what I'm doing to my mother now.

"Wala ka man lang bang sasabihin?" Nangingilid na ang luha ni Mama. Napaupo na lang siya sa gilid ng coffee table at itinago ang mukha niya sa mga palad niya. "This is too much, Nico. This is just too much. You're so selfish."

Nilapitan siya ni Nikolaus para i-comfort. Pareho naman naming alam na overacting si Mama. But it's still my fault.

Parang hindi ako makahinga. Something blocks my throat and it makes my chest hurt.

"I... I'm sorry, Ma," I force out the words, my voice small because she's right. I am selfish. It's my one big flaw since childhood. One she always remembers to bring up every time I screw something up.

Pinunasan ni Mama ang luha sa gilid ng mga mata niya. In an instant, she composes herself seeming a tad pleased with my answer.

What she wants, she gets. That's how it's always been.

She stands, crossing her arms in front of her. "I am so disappointed in you, Nico. I want to see an improvement with your grades, or else, ibebenta ko 'yang kotse mo at wala akong pakialam kung twenty ka na because you're grounded!"

Napapailing na lang si Nikolaus. "But Marissa that was my late birthday gift for Nico. Maybe he's just... having a hard time."

"Magiging doktor na siya. For him, there's no room for error."

Nikolaus lets out another sigh. He knows there's no winning an argument with my mother. "You're being too hard on him. Give the boy a chance."

"Then, he better get his act together," she answers, eyeing me. "Do you understand, Nico?"

"Y-yes, Ma."

***

Sleep doesn't come easy. Parang ilang oras na'kong nakatitig sa kisame. Nag-iisip.

Many years ago, when Dad left, I tried everything to cheer my mother up. At fourteen, I was taking care of my mother even though it hurts so much seeing her so miserable. Bata pa'ko no'n at marami pa'kong hindi naiintindihan.

Araw-araw sinubukan kong pangitiin si Mama. Pasayahin. Pero kahit kailan hindi siya ngumiti para sa'kin.

One time, dadalhan ni Manang Bining ng dinner si Mama sa kwarto niya.

Hinarang ko siya. Sabi ko, "Ako na lang." Pagpasok ko ng room ni Mama, pinilit kong ngumiti. "Ma, kain na po."

Hindi niya 'ko pinansin. Nakahiga lang siya. Hinatak lang niya ang kumot t'saka tumalikod.

"Ma, bangon na po," yaya ko. I sat on the edge of her bed when she didn't move. "You have to eat. Gusto mo subuan po kita?"

But then, she swiped my arm away and the dinner tray slid off my hands. The utensils shattered on the floor. I tried to pick up the broken pieces and found my hand bleeding.

Ipinunas ko 'yon sa damit ko.

My mother finally scoots up from bed, glaring at me. "Ano ba? Wala ka ba talagang magawang tama?"

"Sorry po, Mama."

Pagpasok ni Manang Bining sa kwarto, halata sa mukha niya ang pag-aalala. "Ano'ng nangyari, hijo? Bitawan mo na 'yan. Kukuha ako ng walis."

Bago siya umalis, napapailing na lang na tumingin siya kay Mama.

"Ma," tawag ko.

"You break everything you touch. Get out of my sight!"

All these years, I've done everything she wanted. Sinikap ko'ng maging mabuting anak. Kahit labag sa loob ko, ginagawa ko para hindi sumama ang loob niya. Kasi ayaw ko'ng maging katulad ni Nikolaus. Ayaw ko nang umiyak pa si Mama dahil sa'kin. Pero lahat ng 'yon, hindi man lang niya napansin. Tapos ngayong puro katarantaduhan ang ginagawa ko, puro ako na lang ang napapansin niya?

Nakakatawa. Siguro nga, kung sino 'yong mas nakakasakit sa'yo, siya 'yong mas lalong nag-iiwan ng marka sa pagkatao mo.

***

"Ang ganda no'ng chicks, brad," sabi ni Raph habang naglalakad kami sa hagdan paakyat ng third floor. "Sana kasi ando'n ka para mas madaming pogi points. Marami kang makikilala. I swear, malayong-malayo ang ugali kay Jane."

Kanina pa siya kwento ng kwento at nagkukunwari naman akong nakikinig. May mga naka-pink uniform kaming nakasabay paakyat. Sinundan ko sila kahit alam ko namang wala sa kanila si Abbie. Medyo namumukaan ko sila pero hindi ko matandaan kung sa'n kami huling nagkita.

Napahinto na lang ako sa tapat ng bulletin board ng College of Nursing. Nakapaskil kasi ro'n ang Dean's list.

Sa number 2 spot ng third years: De Vera, Abigail G.

Narinig ko 'yong dalawang nursing student na nag-uusap.

"Si De Vera na naman ang number two," bulong ng isa sa katabi niya. "Pa'no kulang na lang i-glue niya sa mukha niya 'yung notes niya. Wala kasing life 'yon. And I heard, may kakilala daw sa hospital kaya mataas ang nakukuhang grade."

"Pwede ba 'yon?" sagot nong isa. "In fairness, hindi pa rin siya number one. Kahit ano'ng gawin niya she's always second best."

"Weirdo kasi."

Sabay silang nagtawanan.

Matagal akong nakatulala do'n bago tinapik ni Raph ang balikat ko.

"Hoy!" He snaps his fingers in front of my face.

I slap his hand away. "Ba't ba?"

"Wala ka na naman sa sarili mo, Bro. Lagi ka na lang ganiyan mula no'ng maospital ka. Napapagod lang ang facial muscles ko kakasalita dito, parang hindi ka naman nakikinig. Sino ba'ng tinitingnan mo diyan? Chicks mo?"

Umiling ako. "Ah, wala. Tara na."

Pagharap ko kay Raph, bigla ko na lang nakita sa Abbie na padaan. Bigla siyang nagbaba ng tingin nang makita niya 'ko at hinigpitan ang hawak sa dala niyang folders. Parang namumugto ang mga mata niya. Or imagination ko lang 'yon.

It's possible that she heard those two girls talking about her, but she ignores them like she's ignoring me now. I watch her enter the Dean's Office.

Nakikitingin din si Raph sa bulletin board. He runs his finger on the list and stops at Abbie's name.

"Number two pa rin siya?" he mutters to himself. "May mga bagay talagang hindi nagbabago."

"You know her?"

He shrugs, grins and starts to hit on the nursing students beside us.

"Bakit ang mga nursing students, napaka-studious?" 'Yon lagi ang linya ni Raph 'pag naka-pink na ang kaharap niya. "Kaya parang ang hirap n'yong abutin. Alam n'yo ba pangarap ko talagang maging girlfriend ay isang nurse?"

Alam ko na kung ano ang susunod na mangyayari. So I walk out on him before he books me a date with one of them, shaking my head as I did.

Lumipas ang mga klase ko na wala man lang akong naiintindihan. Nakatingin naman ako sa board. Naririnig ko naman ang Prof pero parang walang pumapasok sa utak ko kahit isang salita.

"Was she crying?" I murmur to myself. "Hindi ko na kasalanan 'yon. I did warn her. The one who cares about the other more ends up crying."

Hindi ko namamalayang tapos na pala ang klase. Hindi ko rin namamalayang dumapo na pala sa noo ko ang palad ni Jane.

"Ouch!"

Ngumisi lang si Jane. "Ano'ng binubulong-bulong mo diyan, ha Nico?"

I rub my forehead. "N-nothing."

"Oh, 'yon lang?" tanong niyang parang nagugulat. "Walang reklamo? Hindi mo ba 'ko tatawaging bayolente? Amasona? May sakit ka ba?"

Biglang eksena si Raph. Umupo sa desk ko. "Relax, Jane. Umeepal ka na naman eh. Baka mahalata na ni Kulas na sobra ka naman nag-aalala, bigyan niya 'yan ng ibang meaning. Sige ka."

Tinaas ni Jane ang kamao niya. "Eh eto, alam mo meaning nito?"

"You... want me to hold your hand?" Hinawakan nga niya ang kamay ni Jane. "Forever?"

Jane pulls her hand and hits Raph straight on the nose. "Unggoy!"

"Araouch!" sigaw ni Raph, nakahawak sa ilong niyang dumudugo. Nag-acting acting-an siyang nalulungkot. "Sobra ka na talaga, Jane. Porke't alam mong hindi kita kayang saktan."

Si Raph talaga. Nasapak na nga pumi-pick up line pa.

"Tsk," asik ni Jane. Hinugot niya ang panyo galing sa bulsa niya at inilapat 'yon sa ilong ni Raph. Halatang nakukunsensya. Kahit lagi naman kasi silang nagbabangayan, hindi naman niya natitiis si Raph. "Ba't kasi ang lampa mo? Halika na nga. Tara sa clinic. O, ingat ka. Maduduguan 'yang uniform mo."

Raph secretly grins at me, leaving me with two thumbs up. And me, I put on my game face. I wouldn't want them worrying about me.

When in doubt, smile.

Once they are gone, I stare at the board. Iniisip ko kung sa'n ba 'ko pupunta pagtapos nito. I don't really want to see Mom or Dad. And once again, I find myself walking down Session Road. Papaliko nako papuntang Harrison no'ng ma-realize ko kung sa'n na naman ako papunta.

I stand by staring at the skate park. Like a total idiot.

"Come on, Nico," I scold myself under my breath. "Are you a masochist? Why're you even here? Do you actually enjoy hurting yourself?"

Just when I start to think things can't get any worse, I see Abbie and her goon friend (can't remember his name) sitting together at one of the benches. They're playing some kind of stupid board game using the chess pieces.

"Ugh!" I hit myself on the head.

Si Abbie, masaya habang naglalaro sila. Oo, mukha silang tanga pero at least nakakangiti pa rin siya.

"What am I talking about?" I scoff. Para 'kong nakalunok ng bubog pero hindi ko maialis ang tingin ko sa kanila. "Who's getting hurt over who? Tama na, Nico. Enough. Wala ka na dapat pakialam."

Wala akong pakialam. Paulit-ulit ko 'yong sinasabi sa sarili ko habang nagda-drive ako pauwi. Paghinto ko sa harap ng bahay namin, dumukdok muna ako sa manibela.

"Wala kang pakialam, Nico. Wala dapat."

Pero kahit ilang daang beses ko 'yong ulitin, hindi ko pa rin maialis sa isip ko 'yong nakita ko kanina.

"Ba't magkasama na naman sila? Did she just forget how that jerk tried to hurt her? And that stupid girl, how come she was laughing with him? 'Pero 'pag ako 'yong kasama niya lagi na lang siyang nagda-drama. Aish!" Sinuntok ko ang manibela. "That girl's driving me nuts!"

Naputol lang ang pagmo-monologue ko no'ng mapansin ko na may naghihintay sa harap ng gate namin. It's a guy, a bit shorter than me, maybe in his teens. He's wearing this gray cadet uniform and his hair's cut cropped short. He looks up at the second floor window, reaches for the doorbell only to hesitate. Then he clutches the slings of his backpack and kicks the air in front of him.

Paglabas ko ng sasakyan, natigilan siya, nakabukas ang bibig pero hindi makapagsalita.

"Do you need anything?" I ask.

Tiningnan niya 'ko mula ulo hanggang paa. "D-doktor ka pala?"

"Tryin' to become one, yeah," I answer, my forehead crumpling. "Do I know you?"

"Ah..." In-offer niya ang kamay niya. "Louis. Ako si Louis... K-kuya."

I shake his hand. "Nico. Have we met before?"

"Hindi pa nga, Kuya," sagot niya, nakangiti pero halatang medyo ilang. "Pero noon pa kita gustong makilala."

I narrow my eyes while trying to recall when I have seen him before. "Are you sure?"

"Ah, eh... nand'yan ba si Sir Nikolaus, Kuya?"

"Not sure," I reply suspiciously.

"Eh si—ang Mama niyo, Kuya?"

Pinagmasdan ko siyang mabuti. Hindi naman siya mukhang masamang tao, pero nakakapanghinala kasi 'yong mga tanong niya. "I should go inside and check."

Tumango siya.

Pagpasok ko, ni-lock ko muna ang gate. Napansin ko, wala 'yong sedan na ginagamit ni Nikolaus.

"Ma?" tawag ko pagpasok ko ng bahay.

Si Nikolaus ang bumungad sa'kin. He's wearing this ridiculous red apron, looking for all the world like the best house Dad there could ever be. I roll my eyes and throw my backpack on the sofa.

"You're home early," he says, smiling. "That's a first."

I ignore his gushiness.

"Your mother left earlier," he continues when he realizes I don't intend to have a conversation with him. "She's meeting a friend. Why?"

I tilt my head towards the door. "Some guy's looking for you. Said his name's Louis."

Some hint of recognition registers on Nikolaus' face. "Oh, okay."

Agad niyang hinubad ang apron niya t'saka nagmamadaling lumabas.

"You go up to your room and rest," he says before shutting the door.

Pag-akyat ko sa kwarto, hindi ko pa rin mapigilang mapaisip kung sino si Louis. Bakit ang weird ni Nikolaus? Parang kulang na lang magtatakbo siya para lang i-meet 'yong Louis na 'yon sa may gate.

Dumungaw ako sa bintana. Pinapapasok na ni Nikolaus si Louis sa loob ng bahay. Parang pamilyar ang pakikitungo nila sa isa't-isa. Nakangiti. Masayang nag-uusap. Somehow, I feel like I've been cheated on.

Binukas ko ng kaunti ang pinto para marinig ko kung ano'ng pinag-uusapan nila sa baba. Hindi ko masyadong maintindihan lahat

"How's school?" Si Nikolaus. "I hope your training is not too difficult."

"N-no, sir," sagot ni Louis. "I can handle it."

"Very good," my father answers, sounding pleased. Proud, even. He hands Louis an envelope. "Here. If you need anything more, do not hesitate to contact me. But next time, send me a message and I will come meet you. Not here, especially with my wife here, you understand?"

Hesitantly, Louis nods, eyes on the envelope. "Thank you po... Sir."

Bago lumabas ng pinto si Louis, napatingin pa siya sa'kin. He gives me a nod and a smile that made me wonder about a lot of things. How he knew me. Why he seemed all too familiar with Nikolaus. Why Nikolaus doesn't want him around when my mother's at home.

As Nikolaus comes back in, he sees me watching from my room and the smile on his face disappears. He picks up my bag from the sofa and heads upstairs to hand it to me.

"Who was that?" I ask.

He hesitates, runs a hand through his hair and manages a grin. "Just some kid I'm helping out."

I smirk.

"Why?"

"Nothin'," I scoff, shaking my head. "I never pegged you for the generous type."

"Are you making fun of me?"

"No. It's noble, what you're doing," I say, injecting all the sarcasm I could muster. "You must be so proud. I don't think my mom's going to mind seeing that kid"—I quoted my fingers—"you're helpin' out."

With a somewhat frustrated air about him, he nods and turns his back on me.

"What're you so scared of?" I say before he could walk away. "Natatakot ka ba na malaman ni Mama? Na ano? Na nag-aaksaya ka ng pera para sa ibang taong hindi natin kaano-ano? Oh, that's the big question, ain't it? Hindi nga ba natin siya kaano-ano? Or more specifically, hindi mo ba talaga siya kaano-ano?"

"What are you trying to imply, Nico?"

"Wala naman," maang-maangan ko, sadyang nagta-Tagalog para mahirapan siyang intindihin. "Bakit, tinatamaan ka ba?"

"Whatever you are thinking, it's not true."

"Yeah? What am I thinking, huh?" tanong ko. "Well, let's see. Iniisip ko ba na hindi lang tulong ang connection niyo ng Louis na 'yon? Oo. Or else, ba't kailangan mong itago kay Mama?"

Umiling lang siya. Gusto ko siyang magalit. Pero sa halip, pag-unawa ang nakita ko sa mga mata niya. Lalo lang nakaka-bad trip. Pakiramdam ko, ako ang kontrabida sa bahay na 'to.

Pagtalikod niya papunta ng kusina, lumabas uli ako. Sumakay ng kotse at pinaharurot 'yon. Anywhere's better as long as I don't have to deal with Nikolaus. Isa kong malaking talunan. Duwag. Ang alam ko lang, tumakbo ng tumakbo. Magkunyari na hindi ako nasasaktan. Na wala akong pakialam.

The one who cares more ends up crying. And I wasn't going to be that one person.

Papalabas na'ko ng subdivision nang makita kong naglalakad si Louis papuntang sakayan. Huminto ako sa tapat niya at ibinaba ang bintana.

"Need a ride?" I ask him.

Yumuko siya para silipin ako. Mukhang nagdadalawang-isip siya no'ng una kaya itinulak ko pabukas ang pintuan ng kotse ko.

As he gets in the car, I stare at him. "It's Louis, right?"

Tumango siya, halos hindi makatingin sa'kin.

"Ilang taon ka na, Louis?" kaswal kong tanong, nakatuon pa rin ang mga mata sa kalsada.

"Eighteen, kuya," sagot niya.

I nod. "Good. I'm going out to drink. You're old enough to be my drinking buddy. Game ka naman, right?"

Hindi siya kaagad nakasagot.

"Look, if you're worried 'cause you're in your cadet uniform, you can borrow that." Tinuro ko 'yong jacket ko'ng naka-hanger sa backseat. "Come on, Louis. You're not going to turn me down, are you? Not after my dad's so-called generosity toward you."

Halatang napipilitan pero mahina siyang tumango. It's obvious. He knows he's in for an interrogation.

~Til Next Time!