NP: Gabay by Callalily

A Superman complex is an unhealthy sense of responsibility, or the belief that everyone else lacks the capacity to successfully perform one or more tasks. Such a person may feel a constant need to "save" others.

Nag-uumagahan na sila nang lumabas ako ng kwarto. Si Mama, si Kurt, si Niklaus. Sa isang tingin parang ang gandang pagmasdan: the perfect happy family. Pero niloloko lang nila ang mga sarili nila. Kasi, lahat na yata ng kamalasan, nakita ko na sa pamilyang 'to.

Saktong lumabas si Manang Bining galing kitchen. She smiles at me.

"Nico, gising ka na pala," sabi niya. "Halika't sabayan mo na ang mga Mama mo."

Hindi man lang lumingon si Mama para tingnan ako. She just stiffens while her husband eyes me quietly. Nakakatawa. Ano pa nga ba ang inaasahan ko? That's just who she is.

"Ah, hindi na po, Manang. I'mma be late for class," sagot ko.

"Pero hijo-" pigil ni Manang.

"Manang. Kung ayaw niya, huwag mong pilitin," sabi ni Mama.

I grit my teeth and sling my bag over my shoulder before storming out of the door. I let the car rev loudly before making the tires screech as I maneuver it out of the garage and to the street.

"So that's how it's gonna be," I mutter to myself, pressing my foot on the gas pedal. "If it's war you want, it's war you'll get."

***

Late na 'kong nakarating sa university. Balak ko pa namang magpatulong kay Raph para sa Psych report ko. Wala na 'kong oras. At hindi ko pa 'rin mahanap si Dead Girl. There's no hope of getting a prospect subject lalo na ngayon at malapit na ang deadline.

At this rate, I'mma flunk a major subject.

Tumunog ang phone ko. For some reason, naging Panalangin ng MYMP ang message alert tone ko. Nakakabanas.

"Ugh, crap. Parang alam ko na kung sino'ng gumawa nito ah. 'Pag may nakarinig pa nito baka isipin nila..."

Pag-on ng screen, pangalan nga ni Abbie ang bumungad sa'kin.

Jadewell. 8 p.m.

Naalala ko na may usapan nga pala kaming magkikita ngayong gabi. Siya naman daw ang may sasabihing importante.

Kahit naiinis, nagreply agad ako ng Ok.

Pagpasok ko sa NatSci building, something feels off. Dati-rati, maingay ang mga hallway. Malakas na nagtatalo o nagtatawanan ang mga estudyante. Pero ngayon, tahimik lang na nag-uusap ang mga tambay.

Kahit pag-akyat ko ng third floor, napansin ko ang grupo ng mga Professors na nasa harap ng dean's office. Parang may hinihintay, habang palihim na tiningtingnan ang isa't-isa. Bago pa man ako makarating ng class room, nakasalubong ko si Audra.

She slowly walks out of the girl's bath room with books in her arms. I almost don't recognize her. Her hair isn't as neat as usual and her face isn't made up. Her puffy eyes are glazed over as she stares on the floor. Sa hitsura niya, mukhang kakatapos lang niyang umiyak.

As she pass by, I stop to ask, "Are you okay?" but she walks right past without even blinking. Para bang hindi niya 'ko nakita.

Shaking my head, I go to my Psych class. Pagbukas ko ng pinto, nasa harap na si Dr. Badua. May nakasulat sa board in large bold print.

SUICIDE

Nando'n din 'yong weird feeling pati sa classroom. Everyone has this sad, scared look on their faces. Even Raph and Jane look at me weird.

"Look who's finally decided to come to class," sabi ni Dr. Badua. "I was thinking you gave up on my subject."

"Well, here I am."

Ngumiti lang si Dr. Badua habang nililinis ang salamin niya. "Of course, Mr. Richter. I would have given you a round of applause, but usually, if a student is absent for three consecutive classes, I can't allow him to my class unless he came in with an excuse slip from the Student Affairs Office. Which, I assume, you don't have. It's in the student handbook."

Great. Just great. It's a mess in my house. It's a mess with Abbie. Pati ba naman dito? Bago pa man ako mag-spontaneously combust sa harap ng buong klase dahil sa kahihiyan, I back away to the door.

Pagpihit ko sa doorknob, tinawag ako ni Dr. Badua. "Where do you think you're going, Mr. Richter?"

"Uh... leaving?"

"I said, usually. But there's nothing usual about this day, so take your seat."

Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako pag-upo ko. Si Raph tahimik. Normally, kinukulit na niya 'ko by this time. Pero naghimala yata kasi, he's actually opened his textbook and is reading it. Or at least, staring blankly at it.

Huminga muna ng malalim si Dr. Badua. Pinipilit na kumalma. Malamang nagsho-short circuit na ang utak no'n sa galit sa'kin. She gave me a second chance and I blew it.

"As you all know, we have lost a member of our faculty," umpisa niya, medyo garalgal ang boses. "One of our Chemistry teachers; Mr. Briones."

Bigla na lang nabasag ang katahimikan sa loob ng classroom. What she said triggers everyone to whisper among each other.

"He was found dead in his apartment last night," the doctor continues, blinking fast. "I know, a lot of you know him and have grown to like him. I mean, who wouldn't? Kilala natin si Jed Briones hindi lang bilang isang Professor o colleague, kung hindi isa ring kaibigan. Siya nga ang "Kuya ng Bayan" 'di ba?"

"Crush ng Bayan, Ma'am," sagot ng isang kaklase namin.

Before we know it, we're all laughing and smiling at each other. Pati si Dr. Badua.

"Now, class, let's offer a minute to pray for Mr. Jed Briones."

And we did.

"Totoo ba?" bulong ng nasa likod ko sa katabi niya. "Nagpakamatay daw si Sir?"

"Probably," sagot ng isa. "Nakabigti daw siya sa apartment niya no'ng matagpuan eh. Pero siyempre, hindi naman iko-confirm sa'tin ni Dr. Badua 'yon."

"Why would he do that? Sayang. Ang gwapo pa naman niya."

"Yon nga eh. I heard, may nabuntis daw na Med student. You know naman, 'pag nalaman ng dean 'yon, tanggal siya sa trabaho. Tapos sira pa ang credibility niya as a professor."

"Tumahimik nga kayo d'yan!" mahinang asik ni Jane. "I-respect niyo naman 'yong namatay."

Kaya pala tahimik si Raph. During pre-med, naging close kasi kami kay Sir Jed.

I never liked Chemistry. In fact, I hated it with a passion. But the guy made me love it. Cool kasi siyang magturo. He simplified what other professors wouldn't bother giving a crap about. He didn't just teach us; he made us learn.

Naaalala ko pa, minsan during his classes, he'd stop when no one seems to be listening anymore. And then he'd tell us a little bit of his life. Everyone listened. Especially, the girls. A lot of them seemed to be crushing on him the whole sem. Tapos bass guitarist pa siya sa sarili niyang banda.

After class, Raph would drag me with him to talk to the guy about things we didn't understand that normally, we won't give a shit about. Sir Jed was patient. Para siyang kuya. Kaibigan. Kabarkada.

Hindi ko talaga maisip na magsu-suicide ang tulad niya. Bakit walang pumigil sa kaniya? Kung nagkausap kaya kami bago nangyari lahat ng 'to, could I have made any difference?

Halatang walang ganang magturo si Dr. Badua. For some reason, ibinalik na naman niya ang topic sa suicide. As usual, sinubukan ko'ng hindi makinig. Lalo lang gumugulo ang utak ko. Lalo lang bumibigat ang dibdib ko tuwing 'yon ang topic.

"A person with suicidal ideation may not always ask for help, but it doesn't mean that they do not want your help. Sabi ko nga before, most people who commit suicide don't want to die. So why?" Her stern eyes sweep the whole room. "Anyone?"

"They just... want to stop hurting," bulong ko sa sarili.

Dr. Badua looks at me and smiles sadly. "That's... actually right, Mr. Richter."

Hindi ko alam kung pa'no niya narinig 'yon. Siguro dahil sobrang tahimik lang. O baka malakas ang pagkakasabi ko nang hindi ko namamalayan.

I just want to stop hurting.

Parang narinig ko na ang linyang 'yon. Paulit-ulit sa utak ko. Nakakabingi. Sa'n ko nga ba narinig 'yon?

Nagsimulang manginig ang mga kamay ko. Humawak ako ng mahigpit sa gilid ng table pero hindi ko talaga mapigilan. Unti-unting sumisikip ang dibdib ko.

Damn it, Nico. Not again. Breathe. In... Out. In... Out.

But it's not working. My whole body feels cold. The whole room starts to sway and blur. Everyone becomes faceless and I start to choke on my own breaths.

"Nico? Okay ka lang?" Boses ni Jane 'yon, pero ni hindi ko makita ang mukha niya.

"Brad!" Si Raph naman. "Ma'am! Si Nico!"

May humawak sa balikat ko. Mahigpit.

"Mr. Richter! Mr. Richter! Look at me!" Sigurado ako'ng si Dr. Badua 'yon, but even she's faceless. "Breathe!"

It hurts so much. I just want it to stop.

Who was it who said that? Was it my mom right before she slit her wrists in the bathroom? But the words just keep ringing in my head. What's weirder, boses ko ang naririnig ko.

The whole room spins around me. Then, I see only black.

When I open my eyes, I see myself standing on the sidewalk. At least, me when I was fourteen. I'm in front of my old all-boys high school wearing my old uniform, carrying my old Hawk bag. I'm just standing there, staring blankly ahead. Pinapanood lang ang mga estudyanteng tumatawid habang ako, nabubunggo lang at nilalagpasan na para bang hindi ako nage-exist.

After a few minutes, I don't move.

Hindi ko alam kung sa'n ako pupunta. Iniwan na kami ni Dad. Nasa hospital si Manang Bining, binabantayan si Mama. Si Mama naman-si Mama... Hindi ko man lang siya napigilan. I couldn't save her. Now, the baby's life is in danger too.

It's my fault.

Or maybe not. Wala na silang inisip kundi sarili nila.

Si Dad, hindi man lang niya naisip na buntis si Mama. And that she needs him more than ever. Si Mama? Gusto rin niya 'kong iwan. She wants an escape from all this. Even if it means taking my innocent baby brother to the grave with her. Pare-pareho lang sila. They're all so selfish.

"Nico! Nico!" Si Jane, nagmamadaling lumapit sa'kin. Hindi gano'n kalapit ang girl's high sa school namin pero for some reason lagi na lang siyang 'napapadaan'.

Nilingon ko siya. Tapos itinuon ko uli ang mga mata ko sa kalsada.

"Sa'n ka ba pupunta? Kanina ka pa nakatayo diyan?" tanong niya.

"Sa'n nga ba?"

"Dadalaw sana ako sa Mama mo sa hospital. Sabay na tayo?"

Hinila niya ang kamay ko pero hindi ako gumalaw. "Wala akong nagawa, Jane. Andon ako, pero wala 'kong nagawa."

She squeezes my arm reassuringly. "It's not always your fault, Nico. Huwag mong sisihin ang sarili mo. Hindi lahat ng problema kaya mong gawan ng paraan. At hindi lahat ng tao kailangan mong sagipin."

"Question. Why does the chicken cross the street?"

She stares at me with wide eyes. "Nico, this isn't the time to joke around. Natatakot na'ko sa inaasta mo."

"Just. Answer it!"

Napaatras si Jane, nabitawan ang kamay ko. Hesitantly, she answers, "T-to get to the other side."

"Right," I laugh quietly and she joins me, still a bit nervous. "They're all so selfish. So... why can't I be just like them?"

Nakita kong may paparaang blue Nissan sports car and I say, "That's so cool," right before I run into the middle of the street right as it come. I can hear Jane calling me as the car begins to swerve towards the sidewalk railing. But it hit me sideways.

Nagpagulong-gulong ako sa kalsada. No'ng iminulat ko ang mga mata ko, umiikot ang buong paligid. I can't move. Everything hurts. But what hurts the most is the fact that I'm still here. And I can still feel the pain.

Am I not allowed to be selfish?

As Jane runs and falls to her knees beside me, people start to swarm around me. Pero 'yong kotse? Halos napitpit na sa pagkakabangga sa pader.

"T-he driver..." bulong ko. "H-help him."

Pero walang nakinig. Hindi ko kailangan ang tulong nila. Mas kailangan 'yon no'ng taong nakasakay sa kotse. It dawns on me, if something happened to that guy, it's on me. Kasalanan ko 'yon.

I want them to leave me there in the middle of the street to bleed. But we don't always get what we want.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hiyee!!! Eto nako at nagbabalik! btw, salamat sa lahat ng nagvote at nagcomment sa last 2 parts. Ituloy nyo lang yan haha! Uulitin ko lang kasi unli ako, SALAMAT sa lahat ng nakabili na at bibili pa lang ng Reapers 2! Kung wala pa diyan sa inyo, search the Buqo app for the free ebook and don't forget to RATE ha!

May song ba kayong alam na pwede sa story na to? Pasuggest naman po ng playlist! Comment lang below. Salamat!!!!

As usual, TO BE CONTINUED...