Depression, in psychology, a mood or emotional state that is marked by feelings of low self-worth or guilt and a reduced ability to enjoy life.

NP: Kung Wala Ka by Hale

Kanina ko pa pinapanood si Abbie. Kanina pa rin siya hindi makatingin sa'kin. She's busy staring and forking on her food. I think she's just pretending.

"So, have you figured it out?" I ask.

Saglit siyang napatingin sa'kin. "Ang ano?"

"If those three girls are your friends."

She answers with a shrug.

"How about Grey?" I carefully watch her reaction.

Finally, tiningnan niya rin ako. She bites her lip, looking uncertain, almost scared. "S-si Grey? Bakit mo naman naitanong?"

"Uh..." Napaisip ako sandali. "No specific reason. Nabanggit kasi no'ng Lizbeth kanina that he'd get angry if he knew you're with me, 'di ba? So..." I lower my head so I can catch her gaze. "May magagalit ba?"

Medyo namula ang pisngi niya. One of the very few things I like about girls from the highlands: mahipan lang ng hangin, nagba-blush na. It's... cute.

"W-wala..." sagot niyang natitigilan. "Yata?"

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Ba't parang 'di ka sure?"

"Dapat wala eh..."

I sigh. "Lemme guess... It's complicated."

Tumango lang siya, mukhang sinusukat din ang reaksyon ko.

Hindi ko napigilang mapailing. Sinisikmura na naman ako. Nag-concentrate na lang ako sa pagkain ng pasta na in-order ko lang dahil sa weird na pangalan. For some reason, we ended up having a late lunch in a vegetarian artist café. And I'm loving it. Note the sarcasm.

Hindi ko lang masabi kay Abbie na may all-out war kami ng mga gulay. Carnivorous na kung carnivorous. Marami kasi akong bad experience with vegetables. I remember a lot of times no'ng bata pa'ko at ayaw ko'ng kumain ng gulay, hindi ako pinaaalis ni Mama sa harap ng dining table hangga't hindi ko nauubos. Dahil matigas ang ulo ko, inaabot ako hanggang hapunan do'n. Vegetables equal punishment.

Weird 'yong menu. Where else would you see a dish called Anak ng Putanesca? Or Cesar Asar?

Not only that. The place also looks strange. It looks like something pulled out of The Hobbit, but with more twisted wooden furniture and ornaments. It's more of a gallery of artworks than a restaurant, really. It's a paradise for the selfie-obssessed.

May mga halaman, wooden bridges, bungalow facades, Koi pond etc., kaya malapit nang mag-overload ang utak ko. And Abbie made me climb five floors for it.

Consolation ko na lang na maganda yo'ng view from our corner spot. Mas maganda pa siguro 'pag gabi.

To my surprise, the food isn't half-bad. Pero yo'ng squash blossom tempura na in-order ni Abbie, I can't be sure.

"Marunong ka palang mag-Chinese?" sabi ko no'ng mapansin ko'ng nagiging awkward na ang katahimikan namin.

Tumango siya. "Chinese kasi si Auntie eh. 'Yung nagpalaki sa'kin? Pinsan ni Papa. Hindi kasi nagkaanak kaya siya na lang ang kumuha sa'kin."

"Ahh..."

"Ano'ng ahh?"

"You don't exactly strike me as... Chinese."

For the first time since we arrived here, she smiles. "Si Papa kasi half-Chinese lang. T'saka mas nagmana siguro ako kay Mama. Mas nananaig ang dugong Ibaloy. Na may konting British."

"Ahh... Mixed-breed ka pala."

"Ahh... Ano, aso lang? Parang ikaw hindi?" sarcastic niyang sagot. "Eh nu'n ngang una tayong nagkita sa hospital nagulat ako kasi nagta-Tagalog ka. Kumain ka na nga lang ng salad, para lumaki ka."

"Ayoko nang lumaki," sagot kong nakatingin sa labas, sabay pasimpleng inat. "Ayoko nang tumanda."

"Bakit naman? Akala ko ba kaya ka malakas kumain kasi para lumaki ka agad?"

I feast my eyes on the beautiful view, filling my lungs with cold air. "Because, Abbie, when you grow up, all the fun disappears. Like kids? They believe in magic and Santa Claus... and happy endings." I look at her and hold her gaze for a moment. "But once they grow up, they'll realize everything they believed in; it's all a big lie."

Matagal siyang nag-isip bago nakasagot. Hindi ko inaasahang inilapag niya ang kamay niya sa ibabaw ng kamay ko at saka ngumiti. Yo'ng ngiting may kaunting lungkot.

Nang nakita ko 'yon, hindi ko ma-explain. Parang hindi ako makahinga.

"Psshh..." Napailing na lang ako. "What the heck am I saying?"

"Pwede naman 'di ba?" bulong niyang nakatingin din sa view ng buong siyudad. "Pwede naman tayong magkunwari na masaya pa rin tayo. Na mayro'n pa ring happy ending?"

"Maybe," I say.

She wraps her hands around her cup of hot chocolate and smiles at it. "Kasi, 'pag ikaw ang kasama ko, hindi mahirap maging masaya. Kahit ilang oras lang parang nalilimutan ko lahat." Sandaling umangat ang tingin niya sa'kin. "Salamat ha."

Masaya si Abbie. Sa tingin ko alam ko na ang gusto kong gawin sa buhay. 'Yon ay ang pasayahin siya. For once, I feel needed. I feel like I have a purpose. And this time, ako ang may gusto nito. Hindi si Mama, o si Niklaus. O ang universe.

Ako lang.

We sit there for hours. Kahit hindi komportable ang upuan. Kahit papahapon na. And if it's not already that obvious, I realize I like this girl a little too much for my own good. If that's a good thing, I can't decide yet.

Before we leave, she draws on a piece of table napkin. A bear with glasses. Kinuha ko 'yon at palihim na ibinulsa.

"Kailangan ko nang umuwi," sabi niya habang naglalakad kami sa madilim na eskinita papunta sa pinag-parkingan ko ng auto.

"Hatid na kita," sagot ko.

Marahan siyang umiling, bahagyang nakangiti. "'Wag na. Magasgas pa 'yung kotse mo. Hindi, joke lang. Magji-jeep na lang ako. Para hindi halatang naglakwatsa lang ako ngayong araw, 'di ba?"

"Can I at least get your number?"

Hindi siya sumagot. Blangko lang ang tingin.

"Be-because I was wondering if you're free... on Friday night." For some reason, I can't seem to get the words out smoothly. I clear my throat. "M-may sasabihin kasi ako sa'yo. Importante."

"Ha? Eh ba't hindi mo pa sabihin ngayon?"

"Ah..." Napakamot ako ng ulo. "Kasi ano..."

I'm so lame. I'm the King of LameVille.

Bago ko naituloy ang sinasabi ko, Abbie's eyes widen. Napaatras siya. May bakas ng takot sa mga mata niya habang nakatingin siya sa likod ko. "Uh... Kailangan ko na talagang umalis."

I look behind me. And there they were. Grey. And friends.

Tatlo sila. Si Grey, feeling maangas pa rin sa porcupine-look niya. 'Yong isa naka-dread locks at disc earrings. Astig sana 'yon. Kung hindi lang creepy tingnan. The last one's a skinhead, wearing a red and gray varsity jacket.

Out of instinct, hinila ko si Abbie sa likod ko at iniharang ang sarili ko bago nila siya malapitan. She silently curls her fingers over my arm.

May sinabi si Grey sa Ilocano, nakatingin sa'kin.

Si Abbie ang sumagot. In Tagalog, for my benefit. Alam niya kasing hindi ko maiintindihan. "Grey. May pinag-usapan lang kami... about sa patient ko nu'ng isang linggo. Kailangan kasi ng group ko ng comprehensive assessment para sa case study namin. Consultant kasi ni Sir Nico 'yung attending physician kaya siya ang may alam ng details. P-pauwi na rin kami."

"Pauwi na pala eh," sabi ni Grey, masama ang tingin sa'kin.

He's about to reach for Abbie's arm when my hand suddenly moves on its own to stop him. He tries to push through but I don't let him.

"I'll drive her home," I say firmly.

Grey snickers, running a hand over his brow ring. Binunggo niya 'ko sa balikat at sinubukan uling abutin ang kamay ni Abbie. Hindi ko binitawan ang braso niya. Instead, I shove him backwards.

"Ano ba'ng problema nitong mestisong hilaw na 'to?" pagalit na sabi niya kay Abbie.

"Wala naman," sagot ko. "Baka ikaw pare, meron."

Nagtawanan si Grey at 'yong dalawa niyang kasama sabay high-five.

"Mga pards, nagta-Tagalog naman pala eh," sabi ni Grey. "Kala ko alien."

His friends make weird beeping sounds that seems funny to them.

Tumahimik na lang ako. I clench my teeth and pocket my hands.

"Let's go, Abbie." Kinuha ko ang kamay niya at tinalikuran sila Grey.

"Abbie?" Nang-iinsulto ang tono niya. Naabot niya ang hood ng jacket ni Abbie at hinila 'yon. He slides an arm over her throat and pulls her away. "Abbie ka na pala ngayon, ha Gail? Ba't syota mo na ba 'yan?"

Hindi makagalaw si Abbie. Nangingilid ang luha.

"Sagot!"

"H-hindi..." Nanginginig ang boses niya.

"Let go of her." My voice comes out calmer than usual. Inside, I was going ballistic. Sa isip ko, dumudugo na ang kamao ko katatama sa mukha niya. Just the sight of his hand resting on Abbie's skin makes my blood boil. Still, I manage to hide it.

Tumawa na naman siya. 'Yong tawang nakakapandilim ng paningin. "Eh kung ayaw ko?"

"I said, let go of her."

Just as he's about to sneer again, I hit him. He lurches back but doesn't fall down. Ngumisi lang siya bago dumura ng dugo.

Tumakbo si Abbie papunta sa likuran ko. "Tama na," bulong niya.

Pero papalapit na sa'kin 'yong dalawang kasama ni Grey. I push Abbie away and dodge a punch. 'Yong isa, hindi ko nailagan. Tinamaan ako sa sentido. Dumilim ang tingin ko. Mga three seconds. Naitukod ko ang isang kamay ko sa simento bago pa man ako madapa.

Saktong sisipain ako ni Dread Locks, hinila ko ang paa niya. He hits the concrete sideways. Pinilit kong tumayo. Biglang may tumama sa likod ko. Bumagsak ako ulit, umiikot ang paningin.

Si Skinhead ang nabungaran ko. May dalang arnis si boy. Mukhang 'yon ang tumama sa'kin. Something sticky drips down the back of my nape. Blood.

Ugh. I'm dead. I'm going to hear from Manang about this while she's trying to get the stains out of my shirt.

My head's pounding. My eyes roll up in pain. I shake my head, groaning.

Nakatayo lang ako nang makita kong hawak na ni Grey si Abbie. Something about that totally pisses me off. Nanginginig ang mga tuhod ko at umiikot ang paligid pero nakatakbo ako papunta sa kanila. I pull Grey's arm off Abbie and ram my shoulder into his stomach. We stumble together and dive to the ground.

Sinuntok niya 'ko sa bandang panga. Gumanti naman ako. Kaliwa. Kanan. Ganito pala ang maging basagulero. Masakit din sa kamay. Pero no'ng nasimulan ko na, hindi ko na mapigilan. Kahit masakit, gigil nang tumama ang kamao ko sa pagmumukha niya.

Namalayan ko na lang na hinihila na'ko ni Abbie palayo kay Grey.

"Sabi ng tama na eh!" Nanginginig ang boses niya. Pinipilit na hindi maiyak. "Tama na."

She takes me by the shoulder and pushes me away with all her might.

Parang ipinako ang mga paa ko sa simento. Pareho kaming sumusuray ni Grey. Kung titingnan, mas marami siyang tama sa'kin. Pero parang mas ako yata 'yong nasaktan. Kasi saming dalawa, siya 'yong ipinagtanggol ni Abbie.

I just stare at her questioningly as the other two help Grey up.

"Umuwi ka na, Nico." 'Yon lang ang nasabi niya bago inakay palayo si Grey. And she disappears into the dark alley just like that.

"Friday night!" I shout at nothing. "I'll wait for you."

Kung narinig man niya 'yon, hindi ko masabi.

***

I park the car into the garage as quietly as I can. Alam kong malilintikan ako kay Mama 'pag nakita niya ang hitsura ko. There's a lot going on inside my head and that's the last thing I need now.

Pagbukas ko ng pinto, naghihintay si Niklaus sa sofa. Humigop muna siya ng kape. And then he looks up at me through his glasses. Parang normal lang. Although, it's obvious he doesn't like what he sees.

I raise a finger before he can speak. "Don't start with me. I had a rough one."

He nods. "I can see that." He pats the empty seat beside me and says, "You're mother just went upstairs."

Ibig sabihin, I've no choice kung hindi maghintay dito sa baba hanggang sigurado na'kong tulog na si Mama. I occupy the couch across from him and rest my head on the back of my hand. I close my eyes for a few seconds. I hear Niklaus get up and head to the kitchen. Bumukas 'yong ref.

"Here," he passes me a Budweiser from his stash. "It helps with the swelling."

Sa halip na ilagay ang malamig na lata sa mga sugat ko, binuksan ko 'yon saka tumungga muna bago inilapat sa ibabaw ng kaliwang mata ko. "I know. You're sending me to Med School, remember?" I glare at him.

Binaba ni Niklaus ang hawak niyang tasa sabay buntong-hininga. "It makes your mother very happy. I know it's not what you want, Nico. And thank you for doing this."

"It's not like I'm doing this for you anyway."

"I know."

"You know," I sneer. "You don't know shit! I won't have to do this in the first place if not for you! Hindi magne-nervous breakdown si Mama kung hindi mo siya iniwan. Kung hindi mo kami iniwan! What do you know? You weren't here when she just... shut me out. When she cried day and night. When she wasn't eating. Were you here when she tried to kill herself?"

He shakes his head gently. "I'm sorry, Nico. But these are just things that you just won't understand now."

"I'm not a kid anymore! And I'm not stupid." Napatayo ako sa galit ko. Tinapon ko ang lata ng beer sa paanan niya. Wala man lang siyang reaksyon. Nakatingin lang siya sa'kin. And the pity in his eyes make me want to explode. "Alam ko lang, nasira ang buhay naming lahat dahil sa'yo! Tapos babalik-balik ka rito. Akala mo 'pag binigyan mo si Kurt ng tablet, 'pag binigyan mo 'ko ng kotse, magiging okay na ang lahat? Parang walang nangyari? 'Yang si Kurt? Kaya siguro ganyan 'yang ipinanganak dahil sa sama ng loob ni Mama sa'yo!"

"Nico!" sigaw ni Mama. Hindi ko namalayang nakatayo na pala siya sa ibaba ng hagdan. "Stop it! Hindi mo alam ang sinasabi mo!"

Nakita ko si Kurt sa taas, nakatalungko habang nakasuot ang ulo sa pagitan ng mga baluster. I just wish he doesn't understand anything because it will only mess him up more like it did to me. Mas okay na rin 'yong wala siyang alam. 'Yong inosente lang siya sa mga problema para hindi na siya mahirapan.

All these years, I learned to hide what I really feel. I don't get in trouble. I smile and nod even when I'm angry or upset. I thought I'm good at bottling up my frustrations. But now, the bottle's breaking and everything just starts spilling out.

Dinuro ko ang dibdib ni Nikolaus. "Seriously, Ma? Pinagtatanggol mo pa 'to? After what he did to us? To you?"

"Hindi niya kasalanan, anak," iyak ni Mama. "Ako ang nagkulang. Ako dapat ang humingi ng tawad sa'yo."

"What the hell are you saying, Ma?" I walk up to her and take both her hands. Then I push her sleeves up and stare at the scars on her wrist. "Tingnan mo. Tingnan mo, Ma! And now tell me this wasn't his fault. No'ng umalis siya, you were so willing to take your life. Hindi mo man lang naisip na maiiwan ako. You didn't even care that there were two of you in that body. You nearly killed yourself and Kurt. All because of that bastard!"

Tumama ang palad ni Mama sa pisngi ko.

Parang huminto sandali ang mundo para hintayin akong maunawaan ang mga nangyari.

Ngayon pa lang ako nasampal sa buong buhay ko. Kung tutuusin, wala naman 'yon sa'kin. Mas malakas pa ng one hundred times 'yong suntok ni Grey. Pero bakit ang sakit-sakit? Para 'kong bumangga sa pader.

I've always been a good kid. At least, I try my best not to be a nuisance to everyone. Especially to her. Ginawa ko naman ang lahat ng gusto niya. Sinunod ko lahat ng utos niya. I'm always there for her when everybody else can't.

I was scared that if she gets upset, she'd breakdown again. Natakot akong magtangka ulit siyang magpakamatay. Natakot akong maiwan.

"Nico, I..." Hinawakan ni Mama ang mukha ko.

I remove her hand from my face and head straight to my room. I slouch on the side of the bed and clutch my head tight.

Hindi ko maintindihan. Bakit lahat ng mahal ko kailangang kunin sa'kin ng ibang tao?

Si Mama... And now, si Abbie.

Wait. Mahal. Mahal... ko si Abbie?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~