The year was 2011, when for the first time, I earned money from someone for a job that I did.

His name was Reggie, and it was a logo design and a café exterior layout. He paid me 300k rupiah, which was pretty decent at that time. And ever since, I continue to work for the next 9 years.

I even work when I studied for my Master. It was a cross-country job; the employer that hired me resided in Indonesia, while I was in Australia. I was paid in Rupiah, but the fee was okay and the employer didn't mind me working remotely. Yes, I was already working from home before this whole WFH thing became a trend.

I'm grateful that as a designer, I'm not always required to work in an office. From 2011 until now, I only spent 2 years working fully in the office—the rest were anywhere else where I could use my laptop and the WIFI is suitable. Some people might consider such "flexibility" as a privilege, but like all other jobs, what seem good on the outside, isn't always that good on the inside.

Such flexibility enabled me to work anytime. I didn't have 9-to-5 working hours. There were days when I worked almost 12 hours a day. The rule was simple: the more jobs I could finish, the more money I got. And speaking of money, one would never have enough.

So that was what I did, trying to squeeze in as many works as possible in 24 hours. I became more "motivated" when my friends from college, who did the corporate jobs, already unlock the "achievement" level: managerial position. There's no such thing as a "manager", "supervisor" or "coordinator" in a designer career. There's only 3 commonly used title: junior designer, senior designer and the crème de la crop: art director. Even the title art "director" isn't similar to any other directors in office—obviously, it isn't CEO, CFO or CMO, it's just a fancy way of saying "chief of all designers."

Have you ever considered how these corporate titles can make you feel so insecure?

The reason was obvious. Put a managerial role in your CV, you'll surely impress the talent hunter compared to other candidates who don't have one. Introduce yourself to strangers by mentioning your managerial title, they will automatically show more respect to you. Tell your parents that you've been promoted as a manager, and they will "share" this news with everyone in the neighbourhood.

In my mid-20s, I felt this massive pressure to prove that I can win the race. That I was also a champion, like my fellow manager colleagues. What I completely overlooked was, we didn't start from the same starting point. We didn't even run in the same race.

Or was it really a race? Was it an actual race that I had to win, or did I put myself in this so-called race because society pressured me to be a champion in this life?

I didn't realise this until 2020. I was working for 2 employers in UK and Singapore—the craziest work setup that I have ever done. The salaries were more than enough. I should have felt like I was on top of the world. That I had won the race. But instead, I felt... empty.

And then COVID happened, and I was fired from both companies. In less than 24 hours, I lost both my source of income.

In such circumstances, most people would feel frustrated. I was also spiralling down into the pit of depression and self-blaming. What I overlooked once again was that the Almighty gave me the chance to rest—because I had been running in this imaginary race for so long that if I continued to do so, I would end up destroying myself.

I took a break. A full year of break.

I was lucky because I had enough savings to support myself and my family—I realized that those dollar-paying jobs that I did before were actually a preparation so I can fully rest without worrying about finances. From May 2020 to June 2021, I searched myself, trying to find things that I really want to do, instead of what society expected me to do. Additionally, I shut down all my social media accounts. I took the time to know myself better.

And it worked!

Without bugging interference from the outside, I finally found what I truly want from and for myself. I could hear the little whisper within, that had been silenced for so long because I was listening to the others. Which is to write. To voice my ideas and thoughts through words. Only during this rest, I fully understood that I had been blessed in communication, and that's the correct thing that I should pursue, instead of the nonsense that society expect me to accomplish. I believed that such talent should be the driving motivation for me to keep pushing on.

And the race that so many of us are still hustling to win?

Well, I don't mind about it any longer. I'm no longer obsessed to win just to prove myself to others. I know what I can do. I know what I want to do. And so shall I do it, because each of us has our own finish line, and shouldn't compete to win anything. As long as you always moving forward, get back up again when you fall, and try to be a better version of yourself, you already are a champion.

Take a rest if you're tired. Even when you think you don't need it.

You'll be surprised to see what you can find during the time off.