dedicated to So_Happily  because she's the bestest friend ever and an amazing graphic designer and she also made a cover for my new story "inscriptus" which i hope you all read and vote on :)))) (Link in external or on my profile)

Song for the Reaction: Let It Go by James Bay

lol hopefully somebody reads this

Reaction 17 || Aspen ||

Dear Cath,

Cath Lennings. Catherin Lennings. You were something else, something interesting. Now we all knew that you had a problem, specifically a weight disorder. Some people tried to push you down that hole and feed you lies that you weren't good enough and others tried to tell you, you were good, you were great and you were better than those people who were pushing you.

But the thing with negativity is that it forces you to build up a wall, so that maybe they can't get to you and they won't be able to shove you down. This wall that you created shielded yourself from people who were actually trying to help you, like me. I wanted more in the world to help people, I want to become a doctor. Cath, this is our senior year of high school. You almost made it. You were almost able to walk with us, wearing that graduation cap and putting forth your best fake smile. 

Yet, the smile that you tried to wear everyday, always wobbled around your face and sometimes a smile is just an upside down frown. We all frown, it's just a matter of how we hide  out and when we get over it. You continually tried to fake it, you tried to flip your self upside down, you tried to paint your face with a smile that covered your acne and dark circles, you tried to change yourself.

Catherin Lennings, you do not need to change yourself. Yes, I tried to change you. I tried to tell you to eat and even if you did eat that sandwich, it wouldn't have transformed you into this new 16 year old girl who didn't have anymore disorders. You were a girl who carried around her mental disorders and weight disorders like they were the ones who made up your identity. Well, they didn't. 

When you threw that ham sandwich at me, I was the one who was confused. I was trying to change you and be your friend but the only way I thought that someone could be my friend is if they were normal. I'm sure that's how everyone at school feels. We are in high school, trying to make it out alive and when somebody doesn't, we all think it's our fault. Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. I never thought me handing you a sandwich from our cafeteria would kill you. I never thought that that one simple action can cause a deterioration to your own self-esteem. I never thought that I was better than you or anyone. I was just trying to make a friend who could be seen as normal. 

The dignified smirk I held was just something my face was formed into, some people call it resting bitch face, I call it something that I just can't hide with makeup. I didn't care that you threw the sandwich at me or that you didn't even eat it, I care that you died Cath. My intentions to you may have seemed purely evil instead of pure but anything that you did after that time could only be seen as my fault.

I don't like that you died. I don't like that you had such low self esteem. I don't like these letters at all because I'm sitting in my room crying out for help that you are still alive somehow. But we saw the body, we saw you get carried out of the girl's bathroom and we all saw you get lowered down into your grave. I never want to blame you for your own death because we all caused this, you never did a thing to us. You had this violent reaction towards me and towards your interviewer. You don't handle pressure well, you were supposed to turn into a diamond, because that is how pressure works, but you couldn't. You were harder than a diamond, harder to break through and figure out what was happening. You shined brighter than any diamond anyone can see and even though you may have thought I was the diamond and you were just a stone in the pond, I can assure you that everyone else thought you were a diamond struggling to shine. 

Cath, you are skinnier than everyone in our school whether you like it or not, your eating disorders consumed you. You are still beautiful with them but they aren't supposed to define you. You are much more beautiful than Britney or Regina, they don't even hold a light up to how pretty you are. No one, I repeat no one is better than you. You were going through hell when you were supposed to be on earth and now you're in heaven when you are supposed to be on earth. Cath, you are walking in a different light than the rest of us and you have showed everyone that even if you weren't as great as they thought, you still meant something to so many people. 

Everyone could see it, that you were just trying to push this problem up a hill but it was just too heavy to hold. I think that now's the time to let it slide and just let it go. I want to have peace that you did the right thing and that I did the right thing by handing you something so simple as a broken sandwich that maybe if you ate it, I wouldn't have had to write this letter to you. 

Sincerely,

Aspen the Freak