dedicated to criminul- because she's my 696996 hoe-y buddy <33 love you delilah 

i'm in a really dark place right now guys so my writing inspiration is like .01% currently so i hope you enjoy whatever the end product of this is.

GOAL: 2.5K reads, 320 votes, 100 comments

Song for the Reaction: Stitches by Shawn Mendes

oh by the way, i was xxstoptryingxx but i switched my username to slowly-dyxng

Reaction 14 || Carter ||

I got your letter Cath. I'm sorry for breaking the rules.

I'm sorry for breaking your heart. 

I know what you must be thinking, that love never conquers anything. Maybe you were right. 

But Cath, I know your dead and I know your gone. But you were actually my first love, my first kiss and my first everything.

Cath, I don't want you to think that I never loved you, because I actually did.

And when I asked you to sit with me on the patio alone, I was going to tell you the truth, the full story.

But I just couldn't, I knew about your scars and your triggers. I didn't want to cause you to do anything you were going to regret. That I would regret. 

But when I looked up at you, you looked at me so hopeful like I was the only thing you were holding on to. 

So when you were waiting for me to talk, I just blurt out that we should run away together and maybe I wanted to.

Maybe I could have saved both of us, but I would have never went through with it. I couldn't have went through with it.

But I guess you said no and deep down inside of me, no matter how much I just didn't want to go, I was hurt. You didn't even want to run away with me. Cath, I fucking loved you and I don't care how many guys told you, I was the one who loved you and I know you loved me too. 

So for you to say no, holy hell I was pissed and sadly I feel like this was my trigger and I guess I was one of your triggers.

Cath, I kept everything bottled down and hidden inside me. That's right, even a guy could be upset. Even a guy could just say the "i'm fines" and flash those fake smiles. 

Catherin Lennings, I attempted suicide that night. I was about to drop my hands from the rope but my mom came in telling me it was time for dinner.  But she saw me, she saw me and I just stopped myself.

I saw the tears in her eyes and I could feel the shame she had. Not for me but for herself. I was confused at first but then I realized she felt shame for herself because she felt like she failed in bringing me up.

I removed the rope from my neck and got down from the chair. We ended up talking for the next two hours and then another two hours when my dad came home.

Cath, the reason that I didn't come to school anymore and the reason why I just stopped talking to you was because I got sent to a clinic. No phones, no internet, no anything.

It was supposed to help me and I assume it did, cause I don't have these suicidal thoughts anymore.

But I think your death is triggering me and now that I'm without your kisses, I'll be needing stitches.