[note: this will also include stuff from denny's reasons]

dedicated to: @martlet cause she's leaving wattpad and I'm going to miss you cari ;-;

thanks for #10 again in SS, let's get to #1 again :))))))))))))))

P.S. ASK ME QUESTIONS ON ASK.FM (Link in bio <3)

P.S.S. YOU CAN LEAVE ME A MESSAGE (link in bio <33)

P.S.S.S. I might be live streaming me writing Reaction 13 sometime? Comment if you would want to see that!

P.S.S.S.S. I will be editing this book over the summer and who know maybe someone will pick it up!

AND WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE REASON AND REACTION? ->

also, sorry. this chapter is absolutely positively horrible. i'm sorry, there are a ton of questions here cause toni honestly doesn't believe that this happened. so yeah :)

Song for the Reaction: Who I Am Hates Who I've Been by Relient K

Reaction 12 || Toni ||

Oh no. What have I done. Oh no.

Someone help me. It always feels like the walls are closing in on me.

I constantly feel like I'm sighing and I don't know what to do.

Someone help me.

I feel like my feet are stuck to the ground and they are never going to move. My eyes are constantly closed and they keep pushing out tears.

My hands are always shaking and in my back pocket is a letter.

Two actually. Why do I always feel like crap?

What have I done. Please take this feeling away.

Someone please. No not someone, I need Cath specifically. Where the hell is she?

Oh wait, she's in heaven. But why do I constantly feel like I'm in hell. Why did I do that?

Someone save me. The walls keep closing in on me. Why are they closing in?

Because I'm fucking guilty.

How is it possible that I am two fucking reasons for her to die. No one else in those 30 letters are. Not Jax, not Cody, not Austin, not anyone.

I killed her. Why did I say those things?

Denny was a useless piece of shit, who I didn't need. She was my real friend, who tried to explain the situation to me.

God, why am I so fucking ignorant. I knew she was depressed and bulimic. Why did I just let her go. Why did I do those things.

I can't find any pills. I have nothing strong enough to hold my body up. I can't even find a goddamn knife.

Why am I still here? I need Cath. I need to see here.

I keep screaming out, but why isn't anyone coming to help me?

Is this how Cath feel?

Oh gosh, if this is how she felt she must have wanted to die everyday. I want to die everyday, knowing what I did to her.

Cath, I don't want you to know where I am.

Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest states it's ever been.

There is no place to try to live my life.

And there's a voice in my head and it keeps telling me to hold on. It's telling me that I'm worth it. I can't die yet. I have a stronger purpose in life.

The voice is right, I need to be able to make sure that Cath's death does not go unforgotten. I will look out for other kids who have slipped into depression, anorexic nervosa, bulimia and anything else.

I look down and started to thank the voice, "Thank you, Denny. Thank you."