I.

It's been almost a year and a half and I still haven't moved on.

My hands trailed to his dusty desk that for sure was left untouched ever since he left. Piles of photography books laying on top and tainted photos scattered. If he's here these photos wouldn't even be seen.

He was a man who's a perfectionist on his craft. He would rather hide these photos and never let them see the light of the day. In which ironically has been exposed to the rays of the setting sun glimpsing on his window.

Isa-isa kong dinampot ang mga litrato. He rejected these photos even after printing them. That's how meticulous he is. He just wanted everything to be perfect.

I wonder how did he even choose me? A wreckless writer whose craft is often rejected. A complete opposite to his who had never failed a photography contest, not even once.

Bahagya kong pinitik ang litrato upang maalis ang mga abo na umibabaw rito. My lips formed a grin when I realized what photo was it. I took that photo. It was him, on his beach floral shorts looking at the ocean. Agad kong tinignan ang kasunod na litrato at sa pagkakataong ito sa camera na siya nakatingin.

I'm no photographer but that photo...that photo brings tons of memories to me.

Hindi ko mapagilan na mapabitaw sa mga litrato at tuluyang humikbi't umiyak sa harapan ng kaniyang mesa. Masakit pa rin. Mahigit isang taon na nandito pa rin ang sakit.

Why is he taken from me just like that?

The door rushed opened and a familiar face greeted me.

"Bora." His face looked so concerned. Agad siyang lumapit sa akin. Humarap ako sa kaniya at mas lumala lang ang pag-iyak ko nang mapatitig ako sa kaniya.

"Leo."

"I'm sorry kung kailangan mo kong makita. I know too well you'd be here but I can't help but check on you."

He welcomed his arms at walang pag-aalangan akong lumapit sa kaniya at umiyak sa dibdib niya. For that moment I was pretending it was him, my beloved. I was craving for his warmth, his touch, and his presence.

"Bora."

Bago pa man siya makasalita pa uli ay tumingkayad na ako at ipinulupot ang mga braso sa leeg niya't inabot ang mga labi niya. My eyes was shut leaving anything to my imagination.

He kissed me back.

Although I was the one who initiated the act I didn't really expect he would kiss me back.

Hinayaan kong gumapang ang mga kamay niya sa likuran ko habang mas lumalalim ang gabi, ganoon din ang halikan naming dalawa. His touches sends comfort. Every time he moves his hands on his will, it gave me shivers.

What's wrong with me?

Sabay kaming napadilat ni Leo na hinihingal. My arms still clung to his neck as I looked down his chest looking embarrassed, despicable, and regretful. What the heck did I just do?

Dahan-dahang bumaba mula sa likuran ko ang mga kamay niya. Agad niya akong niyakap at naramdaman nalang ang mga labi sa noo ko. His sighs was clear enough for me that he regret what we've just done.

"My twin wouldn't like to know this shit, Bora." Tinapik niya ang ulo ko at bumitaw bago may kinuha sa bulsa niya at inilagay ito sa palad ko. "He wanted you to check on it. I saw this on the things he left me."

It was a key. A familiar key from our childhood.

"Maiwan na muna kita. Know that I... I will never be Arthur."

He then left. 

I stared blankly at the door he had left. Leo was Arthur's twin, his identical twin.

Napalingon ako sa picture frame ni Arthur na nasa desk table niya. Agad ko itong tinaob. How the hell did I just make out with his twin? Ganoon na ba ako ka desperada?

No matter what I do, Arthur will never be back. No one could replace him, not even Leo.

We all know Arthur was sick. He is the younger twin and has medical issues. Siya ang mas sakitin, siya ang may leukemia. Siya ang mas napapadalas sa ospital.

But who would have thought he would die because of a reckless and alcoholic driver crashing him to his death. 

Napatitig ako sa susi at agad na umalis sa silid niya. I turned my flashlight on. Wala ng ilaw ang bahay nina Arthur. Their family moved after his death. Bumisita ako ngayon dito dahil ibebenta na ang bahay na ito. I have access to this house because his family left me a duplicate of the entrance key and his bedroom.

We were legal, everything seems so perfect but perfection doesn't really exist. 

I went to the backyard. The yard where we three used to play at. Arthur, Leo, and I were childhood friends. Kung kaya't napakasakit sa akin ang pagkawala niya. The three of us used to bury a time capsule that we are to open when we reached our thirty's. Now, I had to open it alone. 

Napatingin ako sa sulok ng bakod kung saan nakalibing ang box na pinagawa pa namin sa daddy nila. I remember we burried it not too deep.

Inilagay ko sa bulsa ang phone kong naka-on pa rin ang flashlight. Nakita kong may lumang pala na nasa may bakod at agad itong kinuha at hinukay ang time capsule namin.

I sat on the grass. I held my flashlight towards the box. The muddy cold tin box was locked by a small padlock. Kinuha ko ang susi at binuksan ito, bumungad sa akin ang mga sulat na dumidilaw na at ilang laruan na dati naming nilagay rito.

Though my eyes aren't fixed to those yellowing papers or to those old toys. My brows furrowed as I stare at the four fainting white bond papers laying on the very top of the pile of letters. It's odd that it's the only papers that seem out of place.

I opened the first bond paper.

Bora, to the woman who'd love me so much. I'm sorry I didn't love you as much as you love me. - Arthur 

It was a letter from almost 5 years ago. The first months we've been together. What did he mean?

I immediately grabbed the second bond paper.

Bora, I love you. I didn't realize I would love you this much. You mean the world to me. I would love to see my future with you. Thank you. - Arthur

Napangiti ako nang makita ang pangalawang sulat. It was written almost a year after the other. I thought he never loved me. That idea made me anxious.

Hindi ko na pinansin ang malamig na hangin dahil halos mag didisyembre na at nasa labas pa ako. It's my fault if I'd get sick and can't attend the meeting tomorrow. Why did I become a secretary in the first place?

Agad kong kinuha ang huling dalawang sulat. I read the first one and I can almost make my jaw drop. What the hell am I reading?

I cheated. I am cheating on Bora. I used my brother. My brother who once loved her. - Arthur

It was a letter a year before his death. Nanlalamig ang kamay kong binuksan ang huling letter. My eyes stayed strong trying not to shed any tears. This is probably nonsense!

My brother, I almost had a big fight with my brother. He always made me his priority. He supported me on everything. Yet, I stole the woman he loved. I stole everything from him. Now that as he try to help me with my mischiefs it backfired me. Why am I hurt? I used him to act like me! And be Bora's boyfriend occasionally. Something happened to them. Bora, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I stopped being your boyfriend and I'm using Leo to make it all up. - Arthur

Memories rushed before my eyes. 

The time I had myself drunk was when Arthur and I made a huge fight. Ang hinihingi ko sa kaniya ay oras para sa akin. He was busy with his photography and I know he's a perfectionist but I didn't have a hint that he had already cheated on me at that time.

Arthur arrived at the bar where I almost passed out drinking. To which I just know was Leo. Based on the letter that is written a day after that bar incident I have years ago.

I'm so close to passing out when Arthur fetched me and lifts me to his car. I keep on grabbing his shirt asking him for his time but he was just silent. Hinatid pa niya ako sa apartment ko kung saan may nangyari sa amin just because of my stupid accusations.

I told him he was being distant and less clingy. I tried to kiss him while drunk and that's how we end up exchanging body heat in bed. I thought it was Arthur and to find out it was Leo was really disturbing.

Did I fucked two different people?