Devin

Once again, my heart ached the second Ricky's face disappeared. I wasn't left completely broken because I could still feel his presence, but it wasn't the same as actually seeing him. The pure agony I went through when he died makes me constantly fear losing him once again. I was given a second chance that nobody normally gets, and I will not take it for granted.

Everyone else headed home as the night closed out. Chris stayed after so we could further discuss the situation I had just heavily laid on him. I locked my apartment door once Ryan-Ashley and Balz had left. Turning around, I sighed to see what a mess my place was from hosting so many people. Chris began to help me pick up the dishes and trash around my living room.

Ricky hadn't come back around yet. It was starting to worry be a lot. Like I said, I'm in a continuos state of worry that one time he'll disappear and never come back. On top of it, there was an awkward silence between Chris and I. What do you say after you just found out your dead best friend is an earth bound spirit?

He set the dirty dishes in my kitchen sink while I tossed empty cans and chip bags in the trash. There was still a little clutter but nothing that would bother me to live in. We walked back into the living room, still wordless. I forced myself to break the silence.

"Um, you can leave all this. I'll get it in the morning. Thank you for the help." I told him.

"No problem." Chris muttered.

He seemed shell shocked. Who wouldn't be? There was a change in Chris, that I hadn't seen in anyone like him. It was as if he just matured ten years in ten seconds. The look of revelation and contemplation displayed across his jaded face. I saw the wheels turning in his head, but what they were working towards is the mystery.

"Take a seat." I offered as I gestured towards the couch.

I sat next to him as the quiet fell over us once again. Chris leaned forward and rested his forearms on his knees. He folded his hands, playing with his rings. I understood this was a lot to rush him with and he needed time to process everything. I'm not going to push him or force him to understand. I just hope it'll come into acceptance for him.

"Is he uh, is he here?" Chris lowly spoke.

"I don't know. Probably." I responded at the same somber tone. "Little raccoon, why don't you come out?"

My eyes absentmindedly fell on the candle burning at the coffee table. In the background of the flame, I saw the mist gently settle into phantom. Chris and I looked up at him. He crossed his arms, seeming bothered by even his own cold nature. Ricky forced a gentle smile.

"There's something going through your head, isn't there, Chris?" He questioned.

Ricky walked around the side of the table and sat down on the edge closet to us. The candle was behind him, yet I could still see the flame straight through him. It only made this more real for me. Believe it or not, I was still having an issue processing the fact that my best friend was dead and haunting me.

Chris huffed as he held his hand to his mouth. His eyes were still rimmed with tears. I wasn't sure if they were from before, or this was new emotions forming. He let his arm fall, replying, "This whole thing has just got me thinking about... secrets, and loss, and just... regret. Not past regret, future regret."

"What'd you mean?" I asked.

Future regret was kind of a weird thing to say. How can you regret something that hasn't happened? Does he mean he did something he knows he'll regret eventually? No matter what it be, I'm realizing Ricky's death has set some form of regret in all of us.

"I mean there's something I'm keeping locked up inside of me and I took it's secrecy for granted, I guess. What happened with you, Rick, made me realize how fucking sudden something terrible can happen. I keep saying I'll eventually tell everyone the truth but now, I'm scared something bad could happen before I get to that." Chris explained.

The light of the candle made his already watery eyes look even glassier. As he spoke, there was this constant feeling in the back of my mind telling me he was talking about his relationship with Angelo. I was tempted to straight out say, I fucking know. If he wasn't referring to that though, it would get weird and awkward. What else could he possibly be talking about? It's a little hard to keep secrets when we all live as close as we do.

"Chris, I-" Ricky sighed as he reached towards him, but remembered his lack of body heat and pulled band. He rubbed one hand over the other as he thought. "Chris, I know we were all pretty fucked up leading up to my accident, and my death was the finally straw that broke the camel's back. Well, it broke you. I don't want you guys to keep living like this. Please, stop ignoring your demons and do something about them. The way I see the world now, there's no color. I'd do anything to change it, but I can't. You guys are choosing to see the everything in black and white and it's killing me that you're taking color for granted."

This conversation was about Chris. I had to keep my own emotions and pain out of it the best I could and just be a good friend to him. However I can't ignore this pricking feeling in my heart. What Ricky said hurt me. All that regret I've been talking about, he just reiterated. It's like I'm drowning and he was describing the water to me. He was always the beautiful poet.

Chris had spent years trying to be the tough guy that it's programmed into him. He still tried to push aside the tears when he should let them spill. Some did slip through, showing his true colors that I've rarely ever seen. He took a hard swallow to sink his sadness into the pit of his soul. Despite what Ricky just said, he's still burying it all.

"I can't even see... What's right for me anymore." Chris weakly admitted. He covered his face with his hands to hide his breakdown. "I know, but... I guess... I don't know."

I gently ran my palm up and down his back to sooth him. I'm not sure how much it was helping. Fuck only knows how long he's been holding all this in. Softly, I said, "We can't help you unless you tell us the truth."

"It'll just stay between us three." Ricky added. Then he snit a laugh, "I mean, really? Who are we going to tell? I'm dead and Ghost doesn't leave his apartment anymore."

"Hey!" I playfully snapped. "I went to- Well, okay, fine. I haven't left in a while but I haven't had a reason to leave."

"There's no food besides a few things in the pantry. You should have gone to the store a week ago and you haven't." He replied. "But, that's besides the point. Chris, he's right. You're going to have to tell us if you want us to help."

Chris lifted his head the best he could. He sniffled, responding, "I know. It's, um, it's hard because I've never even said it out loud."

"It's alright. Take your time. We're not going anywhere." I reassured him with a soft smile.

"Yeah, I kind of can't." Ricky shrugged.

Chris laughed at his comment. It was a bittersweet kind of laugh because these emotions were still eating him from the inside out. He sat silently for a moment that felt like an eternity. I exchanged looks with Ricky, just playing around to pass the time. Finally Chris opened his mouth to talk, but something else caught his attention. My apartment door opened without a knock or warning.

Ryan stepped in, not giving much mind to his surroundings at first. "Hey, sorry, I forgot my-"

His eyes were huge as he started at the sight in front of him. Ricky hadn't had time to disappear and he knew there was no hope in trying once Ryan had already spotted him. Chris and I turned white as we guilt overtook us. My fault for letting Ryan have an extra key to my apartment after Ricky had passed. We were so fucking busted.

"You okay, Ryan?" I cautiously asked.

He was almost paralyzed by the sight in front of him. I was worried he was going to have a heart attack or faint. His mouth still hung open as he attempted to nod. However it turned into him shaking his head in denial. He dropped his car keys out of his hand, stuttering nonsense. And I though Chris and I took it bad. Ryan started to sway, so I quickly grabbed him and lead him to one of the arm chairs in my living room.

I felt his forehead to see if he was either feverish or clammy. He was a little on the chilly side and his skin was ashier than Ricky's. Finally the shock subsided and anger arose.

"What the fuck is going on?!" He semi-yelled in a mix of terror and confusion.

"Shhh, it's late." I sneered. "Calm down, calm down."

"Calm down?!" Ryan snapped. "How the fuck do you want me to calm down?!"

"Shush! The last thing I need is one of my neighbors having a reason to complain. They hate me enough already. I know this is a little hard to process, but freaking out isn't going to do anyone any good."

He tried to control his breathing as he took glances at Ricky, then looked away out of nervousness. I knew of anyone in the band, this would freak him out the most. Ryan gets a little antsy around paranormal type of things. He crossed his arms over his chest as he tried to find comfort somehow.

"Ricky, maybe you should try talking to him." Chris suggested through his coarse voice.

Ryan didn't say anything in response. Ricky sighed and started to walk closer, getting fearful eyes staring at him. He knelt down in front of the arm chair and Ryan quickly pulled his legs up. Even with this being one of his best friends, it still terrified him.

"Hey." Ricky softly started out.

"H-hi." Ryan whispered back. "Rick, you uh... Did you really die, or-"

"Yeah, I really died, but I'm a restless spirit now." He replied. "I mean, I was a restless spirit when I was alive, but now I'm a restless spirit you can stick your hand through. Though, I don't recommend it."

I looked down at him and shook my head. "Seriously, don't do it."

"You know that's just going to make him want to do it." Ricky replied.

Of course, it was Ryan after all. He had a natural curiosity about everything. It was almost to a dangerous point. He's really got himself into some dangerous situations because he wonders so much. Shiny or odd things distract him easily.

He reached forward with a shaky hand and touched Ricky's chest. Immediately his hand fell straight through Ricky's figure and he jerked it back. For that split second that Ryan had touched him, I saw Ricky have a genuine feeling of happiness. It wasn't the first time that had happened. Being touched by life makes him really happy for some reason. It rarely happens because there's barely any life around him and he's ice cold to touch.

"Holy fuck." Ryan muttered as his fear slowly turned into amazement. "How long have you guys known about this?"

"I knew since the day we cleaned out his house. Chris just found out tonight. We were planning on telling you and Balz, but as you can see, it's a bit of an undertaking to do so." I stated.

Ricky frowned. "You going to be okay?"

Ryan nodded, tears tempting his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. I mean it scared the shit out of me but Ricky oh my God... I've missed you so much. I'm so sorry we let everything happen that did. It's our fault for not watching out for you better."

"Hey, hey, no. Don't say things like that. It was no one's fault but mine. I was stupid and..." Ricky sighed as he got lost in his train of thought.

"Ryan's right. We should have watched out for you better, because the only person to blame is Zane, and we all knew how rotten he was. We saw you standing in the flames but we let you get burned." I said.

"I was the one that assumed I was fireproof." He muttered.

Chris had got caught up in his own thoughts for the time, but didn't miss what I said. Once it processed, he looked straight at me. "What do you mean it was Zane's fault?" He asked.

"We have a lot to talk about." I replied, hinting to him that we hadn't forgotten about his secret.

Though I was almost positive I knew what exactly was going on with Chris, I wanted him to admit it. We promised it'd stay between us three, meaning we aren't going to discuss it in front of Ryan. We are still going to discuss it, amongst other things. Once the guys know the truth about Zane, they're going to want to kill him just as much as I do.