Chapter dedicated to attackthemotionless

Ricky

Damn it! I wanted to wait a while long before the guys figured this all out. At first, I was so eager to see anyone, to let them know I'm still here. That all changed when I spent time with Devin. I just wanted to savor every moment I could with him. Though now we stand still in solid state, I have no idea when I could be ripped away from him. For all I know, any second my spirit could be forced somewhere else. I don't want to leave him, not again.

Eventually everyone else had to find out. Did it have to be this quick? I suppose there's no time like the present, but time is all I have. There's not a lot to do when you're a ghost. I just exist, without any clear purpose. If I have unfinished business, I'd like to know what it is. I have yet to see why I'm still on earth. If there is no other place for spirits, where are all the others? Surely there would be more spirits than this. I saw a few at the hospital, so I know I can see them. Maybe not all of them? I don't know! This is all too fucking complicated!

I didn't show myself at all once everyone else had gotten to Devin's apartment. At first, I risked it to let Devin know I was still here, but too many people came for me to have the confidence to continue doing it. How did I end up in that photo if I didn't show myself? I saw the picture when Chris was looking at it. Only a blurred glimpse of me ended up on it, but they all could tell it was me.

No one knew what to say. They shared looks of concern and fear with each other. My own band mates were afraid of me? Sure, I was undead, but they're supposed to be my family! Why would they be scared on my ghost? It honestly... hurt me. They were shaken by something they didn't understand. Doesn't that go against everything we preach to these kids that listen to our music? We teach them to accept what they do not know, yet here they are, scared of my presence.

Devin walked away from the group. He began to pace and panic. He's having a panic attack and I can't even comfort him with my eyes, let alone my touch. I could sense his heart rate speeding and see how white his already pale skin had become. What was going through his head? I know Devin was convinced I was a figment of his imagination. Now he has evidence that I'm not, and he's not handling it well.

"I need some air." Chris abruptly spoke. He shot up and ran from the apartment, not even fully closing the door behind him.

Ryan watched the door creak closed as Chris bolted down the hall. He lowered his hand from his mouth, muttering, "Someone should go talk to him."

Please Devin, be the one to. That way I can follow you, I can talk to Chris myself. One on one is so much easier than presenting myself to an entire crowd. Besides, Devin could use the fresh air just as much as Chris, if not more. He looked like he was losing his mind. His will was collapsing under stress.

"I will." He spoke through a coarse voice.

Thank you! The others didn't say a word. A few nodded just to acknowledge him, but most were too shellshocked to come up with a response. Devin ran into his bedroom for a moment. He popped back out with shoes and an a leather jacket pulled on. As he rushed out of the space, my field of view narrowed quickly. I hurried to follow him because I could feel my strength slipping. It isn't until I'm pulled from him that I realize how attached I've become.

He went down the building stairwell, letting the door fall behind him. I phased through it and continued to follow. First I let myself shiver a bit though, because moving through shit still shakes me a bit. Devin pushed open the back exit and I slipped through the space left before it closed. He took a deep breath and looked to the moon. The stars looked so beautiful when they reflected over his eyes.

"Did you follow me out here, Rick?" He softly whispered.

How'd he know? I guess after a few days he's come to know what my spirit feels like. Devin brought his head back down, looking at his hands. I checked around me to make sure we were alone before materializing once again.

"I'm here." I murmured.

He glanced to his side, where I stood. With a sigh, he just looked at me. I couldn't quite read his emotions, though I wish I could tell what was going through that mind of his.

"They're going to figure it out, if they haven't already." Devin said.

"I'm sorry." I replied, disappointed in myself. "I don't know how I ended up on that picture. I wasn't making myself visible, I-"

"Ricky, Sweetie, it's alright." He reassured me. "They had to know eventually. Do you want to show yourself to them?"

I wrapped my arms around my chest as I longed for his touch. My mind was telling me I had to, but my heart wanted to stay exclusively to Devin. After seeing the shock on their faces from just a blur in a picture, I was weary of how they may act.

"Can we try just Chris first?" I asked.

Devin ran a hand through his hair. He stared at me a moment with tired, dragging eyes. "Yeah, yeah. That's a good idea. Let's find him first."

"I'll follow you." I said, letting myself fall back into air.

He moved his eyes away from where I was just standing. I figured it would be best if I let Devin go alone at first. Having my ghost just walk up might give Chris a heart attack. That is, if the whole situation doesn't. Devin hadn't taken it too well at first and I expect the same from the others. They were obviously scared by just seeing my presence in a photo. How are they going to deal with actually seeing me and talking to me? I never thought coming back from the dead would be this hard.

Devin walked around the side of the building quietly. I followed him nervously. Who knows how Chris will react? I think his mind is the most complicated of any of the guys. Complication cause knots, twists, shatters. His head has to be foggy right now. Aside from my death shaking his confidence from him, keeping his relationship with Angelo secret is slowly killing him. Tonight was the first time I had seen Chris since the day they were cleaning out my house. Before that was the funeral, and each time I saw more life drained from him. I wish he could see the one thing he loves most could be the death of him.

In all the years I had known Chris, I never thought I'd see his drive lowered to almost nothing. Such a passionate man, now seeming lost and confused with himself. This goes well beyond just my death, and extends past Chris as well. All the guys are losing themselves. Though I know my passing pushed it more, it had already begun when I was alive. Ten years have pressed upon everyone a little too much. The pressure has come to a head, and it's ready to burst. Maybe fate is a thing, and maybe, just maybe, I was meant to die to help them live. If I can't fix their lives from beyond the grave, I don't know what will.

We found Chris on the left side of the apartment building. As we walked down the alleyway, I could see Devin's breath in front of him. I couldn't feel the temperature but it was obviously pretty cold out. Chris was too consumed by his own demise to realize Devin was walking towards him. He sat near the building, his chest lurched forward over one leg that was pulled up. The other was laid out on the ground, while his hands trembled and fussed with loose strings on his torn black jeans. It was slowly hurting me to see the way he stuttered from the cold. If only I could wrap my arms around my old friend and make him feel some sense of wholeness...

Devin pulled his jacket off. He hovered it near Chris, saying, "Here. Take it."

He spooked him only a bit. Chris looked up at Devin with weak eyes. "No, you need it."

"Chris," Devin sighed as he lowered himself to the ground. He draped his jacket over Chris shoulders as he continued, "I'll be fine. I don't want you getting sick right before tour. Bassists are replaceable. Lead singers; not so much."

"No one can replace you, but thank you." He responded as he settled into the leather's comfort.

"Ricky's the one that can't be replaced." Devin murmured.

Chris looked at him as if he was shocked to even hear my name. "Yeah." He spoke almost at a whisper. "Yeah... Dev, that picture... That... I-I... I don't even know... w-what to think anymore. How am I supposed to... accept that he's gone? I just..."

"You're lost." He interjected.

A sight came to my phantom eyes that I never thought I'd see, alive or dead. Tears soundlessly fell from Chris dark eyes, streaming down his ashen face. I've never seen him cry and I honestly never thought I would.

With barely any voice, he said, "I'm lost... How... How are you doing this?"

"That's kind of what I came out to talk to you about." He stated, receiving a questioning look from the former. "I actually wasn't handling it, at all. The night I came home from cleaning his house, I reached a point I thought I was going to lose it. I was convinced I'd either end up dead myself or in a mental hospital. Then something... happened. Chris, I honestly don't know the best way to say this without sounding insane, but, that I've seen more than just that picture."

"I... I don't understand. W-What are you saying?" He stammered.

C'mon, Chris. You knew exactly what Devin meant! You're just in denial. I probably would be too. If someone I knew died and their ghost was about, I'd deny it out of fear of jumping to conclusions.

"Maybe I should just show you." Devin said. "Word of advice though, if you think you're cold now, don't touch him."

"What?" He gawked, at this point thinking Dev had lost his damn mind.

With a huff, he requested, "Ricky, could you please show yourself?"

Chris stared at him and started to actually get angry at the words he spoke. While his head was turned, I materialized a few feet in front of him.

"What are you fucking talking about?" Chris spat at Devin.

His frustration got the best of him. Devin grabbed Chris' face and turned him to face forward. He firmly stated, "Look!"

I stood there a little awkwardly while Chris became paralyzed. His eyes grew widely while his lips remained open without words. I gently smiled at him, cautiously moving closer. Chris' weary eyes followed me as I kneeled down in front of him.

A mix of a squeak and choking sound came from him. He threw his hand over his mouth in shock, barely managing to speak my name. "Ricky..." Chris couldn't function much. He looked just as crazed as Devin did. The tears hadn't stopped, but I'd like to hope their reason had changed.

"Hey Asshole." I smirked at him.

Devin chuckled as he observed. Chris finally broke a smile, though his thoughts must've been going insane. He was tempted to touch me, but remembered what Devin had said. I wanted to touch him too and embrace him. I couldn't for the same reason; I was a walking icebox.

"How?" He gasped. "Never mind how. I'm just so fucking happy to see you. You have no idea... It's been Hell without you here."

"I missed you. I'm sorry I left you." I replied.

"You're here now." Devin said.

"And that's all that matters." Chris grinned. He glanced over at Devin and playfully hit him in the arm. "Why didn't you tell us?!"

"I was worried you'd freak out! Which you kind of did!" He responded.

I shook my head. "You both freaked out."

"Well, yeah. You kind of freak out when your dead best friend is in front of you." Chris stressed. "Are you ready to tell the others?"

I lost some confidence in thinking about it. My voice shrank as I replied, "I, um, I'm not sure."

He said something in response, but I didn't catch it. My ears were too busy focusing on other voices around the corner. I panicked and disappeared just as shadows fell down the alleyway. Devin sighed when I left. I'm starting to notice he gets upset when I disappear. I wonder why that is? Oh well, I'm sure he gets annoyed with my constant back and forth.

Ryan and Vinny walked down the alley. They must've been looking for Chris and Devin, considering they'd been gone a while now. I can't blame them for coming together. This area is creepy as fuck during the night, and that's coming from someone with night vision!

"There you are! We were worried you got yourself murdered or some shit!" Vinny exclaimed.

Devin rolled his eyes, then grinned. "We're fine."

"Is everyone calming down?" Chris asked while he rose to his feet.

"If you consider Ryan-Ashley and Balz making out as calming down, then yeah." Ryan snickered. "I think I'm going to head home."

"To Amy." Vinny teased.

Ryan shoved him and he almost fell into a pile of garbage. Vinny stuck his tongue out at him as he held onto the wall. I rolled my eyes, even if they couldn't see me. I missed these weirdos. Why did I have to go die? Why'd I have to be the dumbass that went for a drive during a storm? I want to rewind time and stop myself. I'll never be able to hang with the guys again, I'll never get to play for the fans or write songs, and I'll never get to tell Devin the truth because now, it'd never matter.

He could never love someone he can't touch.