1) Meet someone new (don't be an introvert)

2) Go on a road trip

3) Visit Seattle

4) Go on the space needle

5) Fall in love

6) Go to a Blink-182 concert

7) Send a message in a bottle out to the ocean

8) Attend a bonfire

9) Learn guitar

10) Watch the stars

11) Get kicked out of a Walmart

12) Get a tattoo

13) Write in wet cement

14) Fold 1,000 origami cranes and wish

15) Get cured

•••

I was diagnosed with depression three weeks after they'd found the lump in my side.

My mind has always been a maze, a constant swarm of positive, "What if's?" and, "I want to's." The kinds of things that make people smile and the kinds of things that my friends would join in on, consensual or not.

But then they found the lump.

Mama said it was nothing. It was just a mosquito bite even though it wasn't. We both knew that.

Three days passed and it didn't leave, so she and I decided to go to the doctor's. Tests. Tests. More tests. Then tears. Hearts caught in throats. Stress. Anxiety. Depression hit.

That's when my "what if's?" turned darker. That's when my, "I want to's," turned into, "If only I'd's." That's when I limited myself to my room, shut my eyes, and blocked out the world. That's when everything fell around me and no matter what, I couldn't come back up. Anti-depressants.

"I couldn't. I can't. Mama, what if? Will I live? I'm so afraid, Mama."

We tried to cope as well as we could but it didn't work out as well as we may have hoped.

So, I was alone. Patrick and I talked here and there, but we were losing contact. Frank would come over and he'll hear me out. He hugged me close and tells me it'll be alright even when it won't be. Gerard and I would have deep talks, but he usually avoided the house and stayed with Patrick if he could in his own place.

At school, the teachers give me sad smiles. Travie gives me high fives, tells me to, "Stay strong, Man." I hate all the sympathy, but sometimes it feels like all the love I can get.

As for the bucket list.

I got around to starting it a few months ago. Before the... cancer...

Patrick and I were talking about it, we always used to hang out and he talked about how he'd always wanted to make one and then suggested I make one. So we made it. 14 things and the thing is, we couldn't think of the 15th. That's okay, though, we made do with what we had.

We finished it three weeks ago. A day before I went to the doctor. Four days before I was diagnosed.

So here I am. Laying in bed with my eyes dropped and my bulleted list in hand. Bullet number 25 on the list is the only one I'm afraid I can't get.

I'm afraid I'm losing hope.