Definitely a trigger warning.
Listen to Afire Love by Ed Sheeran when it's over. Goes with the chapter, sweeties. And this chapter is so long so just repeat then if you haven't finished reading by the time the chapter is over.

  I'm not in love with my roommate. Another cut. I'm not in love with him. And another. I'm not gay. Another. I'm normal and my parents care about me. Another. It just keeps going on until I've beated myself down and sliced up my wrists so much that I just don't care anymore.

~o~

  It all started when I got my own apartment. My siblings had gone off to college and jobs out of state, so it was just me and my parents. I lived at college, a major in criminal science and a minor in photography. It was alright, but I didn't have many friends, and I hated myself. I hated my being, and I just didn't like living. If you saw me down the street you'd see a guy who's wearing long sleeves and jeans in hot weather. That's what I have to do to hide all the scars. They cover my wrists and thighs until it looks like there's nothing but either raised, pink flesh, or white lines from old cuts. No one knew, and I liked it that way. It makes me forget everything that's wrong with me.

  My first cut was in middle school. I just found out I was gay with a crush on Jace, my adopted brother. My parents had raised me to believe that it's not natural to be gay, so when I found I was it was awful. I hated myself. That's when they started. There was no one to tell me that it was wrong, but that's okay because if there was wouldn't have of stopped anyway. I was too far gone. It was like a dark, never ending tunnel that I couldn't escape. On the walls of the tunnel was everything I hated about myself. Worthless. Gay. No one cares for you. You have no friends. And it would keep going on until I felt the bite of a razor on my skin. My life was miserable. I spent each day wondering whether or not to kill myself, but I could bring myself to do it. I've defiantly tried before, but there was always the risk that I would get caught. All I wanted was for it to be over.

  My parents were paying me through college, and my dorm wasn't the best for me. I hated living next to the homophobic religious people. It always made me feel even worse about myself. So decided to move out and get an apartment close to campus, and I refused that my parents pay for it so I got a job. The job wasn't that well paying. It was an okay paying job at a popular book store, but it wasn't enough to pay for my apartment. Then I heard someone mention that getting a roommate would help. It was a good idea. Someone to help out with the rent, and maybe even I'll have a friend for once in my life. I put up some posters around campus hoping I'll get a call, and I got one call. Exactly one. It was from a guy named Magnus Bane. I've never seen him before, so I thought that this would be interesting. We decided to meet up, and talk it over. This man was gorgeous. Tight jeans, a orange button up shirt, makeup, and glitter. Despite the glitter, this man was very attractive. He was nice too and agreed to pay the rent on time. Soon he moved in and it was the worse thing that ever happened to me.

  When he moved in it was alright at first, but it for worse as time went on. There were more scars appearing on my wrists. Even more after I came out to my parents. They reacted horribly. My father disowned me and my mother couldn't look me in the eye. When I got back to the apartment, I was in tears. I shred my wrists to ribbons. No one was around to hear my cries. To tell me that I shouldn't be doing this. Magnus was gone at some night club, probably grinding against some stranger. I was alone again.

~o~

  Just a basic breakfast. Toster waffles and coffee. Magnus was still asleep. Halfway through my breakfast, Magnus came out of his room. This night there was no one night stand. I can't stand hearing the moaning from his room. It makes me angry in a way it shouldn't. In a way that makes me think that I might like Magnus, but I can't. It'll just ruin me. Even if I did, why would he like me? Anyone would be better for him than me. "Morning," he says. Makeup still smudged around his eyes where he didn't bother to take off, white v-neck shirt, and shorts. Why is he beautiful to me? Men shouldn't be attractive to me.

  "Morning," I mutter back. "There's coffee in the kitchen if you want any.

  "Thanks." He left to the kitchen and I started getting ready for school. Soon enough I heard a shatter coming from the kitchen. Wondering what happened, I went to the kitchen. Magnus was standing next to a shattered mug, Chairman Meow, his cat, huddled in a corner. "The cat dropped the mug. I'm just saying." I rolled my eyes and got the broom and started to clean up. What I forgot to do was put my sweater on. Magnus pointed at my arm. "What happened?" Myself.

  "It's alright. Don't worry about it." The mug was cleaned up and thrown away, I left the room and quickly left for school with my sweater on this time.

  When I got home Magnus was sitting on the couch. His classes don't start until later on, so it made sense. Just as I was about to go do my homework in my room, he called me over. "Alec. Come over here."

  "Yeah?" He made space for me on the couch and I sat as far away from him as possible.

  "What were those scars? Don't lie to me."

  "I said they were nothing. Just trust me."

  "No, Alec. I don't trust you because they were obviously something." He leaned in closer to me. "Why do you feel the need to cut yourself? I can help if you just tell me." You can't help because you're the problem.

  "I'm not cutting myself. Just ignore it please."

  "I won't. Stop lying I know what cuts look like."

  "Why don't you mind your own god damn business? My problems are my problems."

  "I won't because I care about you. You shouldn't be doing this." Don't care about me. I'm not worth it.

  "You don't know anything. Just leave me alone."

  "Stop running away from your problems! Just tell me and I'll help!"

  "I don't need your help! Just stop." I stormed out of the room and locked myself in my room. He shouldn't care about me. I'm a lost case. I'm not special. Nothing about me is good. I'm not funny, not smart, not handsome, not cool, not really good at things, and I'm not good at being nice, so why is bothering with me. More things get added onto the wall. Not good enough, Is the last one. Why should I even live? My life is just another on in a sea of people. The only difference is that my life doesn't matter.

~o~

  Magnus is gone again. I got a call from my mom saying my youngest brother died and I'm not allowed at the funeral. My brother. Max. Max is dead. He died from cancer and he's gone. Hot tears fell down my face. My siblings will come into town, but aren't allowed to see me. Why? Why me? Why must I be the one to be outcasted from my family. My parents make me feel worse about myself, and its just awful. I remember my births  Max. The small boy with glasses too big for his face dead. He had a life to live. If I could be traded placed with him, I would've. I was too busy crying to notice Magnus come home. If I didn't notice that, I definitely didn't notice him slip into my room. "Alec? What's wrong?"

  "M- My brother is dead. Little Max is dead." He brought me close to him. I clung onto his shirt like a lifeline. It probably was for me. My heart still fluttered in my chest though. No, I don't like him. I'm just sad. That's all. "It's okay, Alec. Cry. Cry all you need." That's how it was for quite some time. He rubbed soothing circles on my back until I calmed down, or cried myself out as I'd rather say.

  "Thank you. It's just so horrible. He was so full of potential. Unlike me," I muttered the last part. He must've heard it because he put my face in his hands and forced me to look at him.

  "You are full of potential. You're great, smart, beautiful. He'd be proud of you." He looked at me so intensely, and I was so close to him that our breaths mingled. Whoever started the kiss, I don't know. Just one thing lead to another and we were kissing. I was inexperienced and sloppy, but he still didn't pull away. His lips tasted faintly of alcohol. Does this mean that everything he sad was all a drunken ramble? I was too far gone to care. What I needed was to lose myself for once. Once. Once in my life it wasn't about my depression, my scars, my family, or anything. It was all Magnus. He parted my lips expertly. Tongue exploring. Everything that happened after that was a blur, but it happened.

  The next morning I woke in Magnus' bed. Sunlight painting his face golden. When the memories came flooding back, I blushed. Before I woke Magnus up, I got out of bed and picked up my clothes.

  As usual, I went to make coffee, maybe some breakfast for once too. Just as I made the pancake mix, Magnus walked in. Hair messy, minimal clothing on, and he was beautiful, still. "Good morning, Magnus," I said with a smile.

  "What's got you in a good mood today? You even made breakfast. Is it someone's birthday?" He was truly confused. He didn't remember. All color drained form my face and my Good mood was gone.

  "Nothing. I just got up early and decided to do something," I said quickly." He noticed the good mood disappearing.

  "What happened? I don't remember anything." Exactly. That's the problem. What as I thinking? He doesn't like me. It was stupid.

  "I'm okay. Ignore it."

  That's how it went from that moment on. Whenever Magnus was too drunk to remember what happened by morning and he didn't bring home a stranger, I let him use me. My life felt so worthless already, so I went along with it. It broke me. Knowing the man-dare I say it-love doesn't remember we had sex. It was all too consuming. A darkness slowly swallowing me up. Making my heart heavy and bones feel like lead. The darkness got bigger with each demon I had. I'm gay. My parents disowned me. I have no friends. My siblings aren't around. I'm in love with my roommate who will never love me back. Hated by society. Blood was dripping down my arm before I even realized I reached for my razor. I kept going. Making each cut deeper than the last. There was no forearm left, just blood. My head felt light and I couldn't sit up. I barely had enough time to scrawl out a note before the my demons finally ended me. The was a light, then nothing. Ever again.

  I walked back from class to Alec's and I's apartment. Today was the first day I actually remembered the night before, and I realized that I did have feelings for Alec As soon as I opened the door I knew something was wrong. It was quiet. It's never quiet. There always coffee being made, music being played, tv being watched, or anything. This time there was nothing. "Alec?" I called out. Nothing. I walked into his room and I dropped my books when I saw what happened. He was laying on his bed, blood seeping through his sheets. He cut his arm raw. There was so much blood, and I didn't hesitate to think he was dead. No one could lose that much blood and be alive. No. Alec. Alec, why are you dead. While I got near him, I noticed a note. It was messy with blood on the corners. It read something so simple, but I broke my heart.

I'm not okay. Ignore this.

  It broke me. I'm the reason he's dead. If I wasn't such an idiot and just paid attention to him! He wouldn't be dead if I tried to help him. If I at least talked to him. If I did anything! Anything at all. I sank to my knees and took a bloody hand in mine. "Alec," I muttered through sobs. "Why did you have to do this?" He did it because of you. It's all your fault.

Orginal Title: ROOOOMMMMAAAATTTTEEEEEE AAAANNNNGGGGESSSTT

I love you guys for reading my sad angst and not killing me. And I would like to thank you all for reading! This story already has so many reads and I love you guys for it. Vote, comment, and stay awesome.