"WHAT do you mean?" Kylo asked. He's confused as fuck. Gusto niyang malaman kung ano ang ibig sabihin nito.

'I am not Cailean without Kylo,' ulit niya sa sinabi ni Cailean sa kaniyang isip.

Those words confused him because he knew how comfortable Cailean was. Itong ilang oras na magkasama sila, alam niyang si Cailean ay si Cailean. Bukod pa roon, sinabi ng mga kaibigan nila kung ano ang buhay ni Cailean kaya imposibleng tama ang nasa isip niya.

Pero itong kaharap niya ngayon ay iba.

"I never got to live the way I always wanted." Cai smiled bitterly while looking at him. "Kung ano 'yong mga plano ko no'n, kahit isa roon, wala akong natupad kasi tinamad na akong mangarap ulit. I just went with the flow. I tried so hard to finally fulfill what I wanted but failed miserably."

Hindi nagsalita si Kylo. This time, he would hear her out.

"I don't wanna talk about my life, Kylo." She smiled. "Why don't we talk about yours?" anito bago kumain ng ice cream.

Kylo shook his head. "No, I want to hear what happened to you, Cai," he said. "Gusto kong mal–"

"Gusto mong malaman kung gaano ako ka-failure?"

"You are not a fai–"

"Yes, I am," sagot nito at saka yumuko. "Remember I was planning to be a good graphic artist, possibly be someone higher, an animator per se . . . pero hindi ko natupad 'yon. Why? Because I settled with a simple job na bibigyan lang ako ng simpleng trabaho na kaya kong gawin within two hours kahit na isang linggo ang deadline ko."

Kylo was just looking at Cailean. He could see how frustrated Cailean was.

"Hindi na ako nag-excel, I don't have plans to excel. Hindi na ako nag-aral kung paano gawin ang ganito, ganiyan. I settled with what I know. Nagwo-work na lang ako para sa luho ko, para masapatan ang mga pangangailangan ko." She smiled. "I work to die someday. I can't even see myself having a family because I . . . decided to be just like this."

"Just like what? Hindi ko maintindihan ang sinasabi mo. You said you can finish a one week project in just two hours. Tapos 'yang mga ginawa mo, nasa EDSA ngayon, if not, nasa prints ng mga mall," ani Kylo. "So, ano'ng sinasabi mo na you're just like this?"

Natahimik si Cailean.

"It's rare to find someone who can visualize a project in a very short period of time but still . . . what you're considering a sloppy design is a huge billboard along EDSA," dagdag niya. "Anong sinasabi mong 'yan ka lang? You're exactly what you wanted, Cailean."

No words came out from Cailean. Nakatingin lang siya kay Kylo.

"Remember when you're so busy editing those Harry Potter images na kahit sobrang sloppy, you were so happy and proud? I saw how you struggled to learn how to remove those white shit from Hermione's hair, pero you did it." Kylo smiled. "Sobrang tuwang-tuwa ka no'ng unti-unti mo nang nakukuha 'yong designs na gusto mo. You worked hard for it, you were natural."

Ngumiti si Cailean. "That's the reason why I said I am not me without you," anito. "You always say the right words, you always choose the right way to comfort me. No'ng magkasama tayo, whenever I feel down, you always find your way to make sure I am okay."

Kylo pressed his lips together while looking at Cailean who was now crying.

"I missed you so much." Tumulo ang luha nito sa pisngi. "Pero wala akong mukhang maiharap sa 'yo, Kylo. Sobrang hiyang-hiya ako sa sarili ko na ganito lang ako, ganito na lang ako, na hindi na ako umusad dahil sa pride ko. Pero kung alam mo lang? Gusto na kitang habulin."

"Sana ginawa mo, Cai," sabi ni Kylo habang malungkot na nakatingin kay Cailean. "Sana ginawa mo kasi nandoon lang naman ako, e. I tried to move forward . . . but I kept on coming back to the past."

Cai smiled. "Kasi nga, wala ka pang closure. Kasi iniisip mo pa rin kung saan ka nagkulang at nagkamali, when it was all me. Ako ang naging dahilan ng lahat. Ako, Kylo, hindi ikaw."

"Tayong dalawa," seryosong sabi ni Kylo. "Kung hindi ko hinayaang mag-isip ka nang gano'n, hindi tayo hahantong sa ganito. Kung binabaan mo ang standards mo no'n, hindi tayo magkakaganito. Kung nagkaroon tayo ng communication noon, hindi tayo ganito."

Yumuko si Cailean.

"Communication ang kulang sa atin, Cai. Siguro kung hindi tayo nasira, may pamilya na tayo." Kylo smiled. "Siguro, kasal na tayo. Siguro, araw-araw na kitang binubuwisit, araw-araw ka nang umiiyak kasi pikon ka sa akin. Siguro, araw-araw tayong sabay kumakain, araw-araw akong gigising para asarin ka."

Natawa si Cailean. "Bakit, isa ba 'yan sa goals mo sa buhay?"

"Yup, araw-araw. Isa sa plano ko na matulog gabi-gabi na katabi ka. Isa sa plano ko na gumising nang katabi ka. Isa sa plano ko na ikaw ang unang makaaalam ng lahat ng gusto ko. Isa sa plano ko na ikaw ang unang titikim ng luto ko. Isa sa plano ko na maging nanay ka ng mga magiging anak ko."

Kumunot ang noo ni Cai. "Paano kung ayaw ko magkaanak?"

"E di, hindi. Ako na lang." Tipid na sagot ni Kylo. "Gusto kong magalit sa 'yo dahil sobrang babaw ng rason mo para iwanan ako. Kahit sinong makaririnig, matatawa, Cai."

"Alam ko. Galit na galit nga si Marga sa akin noong nalaman niya 'yong rason." Cailean smiled. "Kaya ayaw ko i-open 'yong topic sa tuwing may magtatanong kasi nga . . . nakakahiya. Saka hello, galit na nga ako sa sarili ko, may ibang tao pang magagalit. Ayaw ko na!"

Kylo was just staring at Cailean. Natatawa siya the way na magsalita ito dahil no'ng panahong magkasama sila, ganito sila palagi. Hindi sila clingy sa isa't isa, they were just comfortable with each other. Hindi naman sa point na palaging magkasama sila, they also lived on their own, pero mas masaya lang talaga kapag kasama siya.

"Wait, may ipapakita ako sa 'yo," nakangiting sabi ni Cailean bago ito tumayo at dumiretso sa cabinet na parang may kinukuha. "I was keeping these, wala akong tinapon kahit isa."

Lumapit ito na may dalang itim na box. Malinis 'yon at halatang alaga.

"Hindi ako ma-sentimental na tao, I think you know that . . . ." Cai smiled. "Pero no'ng nag-break tayo, nakita ko sa maleta itong mga ito and I didn't have the guts to throw it all away."

Pagbukas, naamoy kaagad niya 'yong pamilyar na pabango ni Cailean no'ng college. Regalo niya iyon, pinag-ipunan dahil may kamahalan para sa isang college student. It was the Victoria's Secret Love Spell.

"Shit," napamura si Kylo. "Bakit no'ng naamoy ko 'yong pabango, parang . . . memories overflowed lalo no'ng–"

"Shut up ka, Kylo!" singhal ni Cailean dahil alam niya ang ibig nitong sabihin. That night, the first night . . . ayaw na niyang alalahanin. "Mag-focus ka sa ibang bagay, huwag doon!"

Nilabas ni Cailean ang isang envelope. "Check this out. Naalala mo 'yong unang movie na pinanood natin as a couple? Na naghati tayo sa bills kasi that's how it was supposed to be?"

"Oo, naaalala kong nag-save ako para sa date natin, pero ikaw rin pala and ayaw mo na nililibre ka. Ma-pride ka na kasi noon pa!" natatawang sabi ni Kylo.

"No, hindi 'yon. Unfair naman kasi na ikaw lang ang sasagot ng lahat." Cailean smiled. "Tingnan mo, pinanood natin 'yong Fast and Furious 6. Ito 'yong unang movie natin together tapos ginawa na nating goal na twice a month, manonood tayo ng movie."

Nilabas ni Cailean lahat ng movie tickets na naitago niya. Iyong iba, faded na dahil sa print, iyong iba naman, maayos pa.

"Hanggang ngayon, nanonood ako ng movie twice a month, alone." Malungkot na ngumiti si Cailean. "Ginawa ko na siyang reward sa sarili ko. It became a habit na hindi ko na matanggal and I was missing you. Kasi noon, sa tuwing manonood tayo, hindi mo binibitiwan ang kamay ko habang nanonood tayo. Those memories were precious to me. Kasalanan ko ang lahat kung bakit tayo nagkaganito."

Tahimik lang si Kylo na nakatingin sa kaharap. Nakayuko lang ito, nakahawak sa envelope, at mahinang humihikbi.

"Sorry, Kylo, for making you feel that way." Nagsimula itong humagulgol. "Naramdaman ko na kaagad 'yong galit mo sa akin no'ng unang oras pa lang. I was just joking around, acting strong, just to make sure na hindi mo makikita ang totoo. Iyong totoo na gusto kong tumakbo papalayo, kasi hiyang-hiya na ako. Nahihiya ako na sa sobrang babaw ng rason ko, nakasakit ako. I'm sorry."

Walang sinabi si Kylo. Tumayo siya at kinuha ang gitara na nakalagay sa tabi ng TV. Wala siyang masabi kay Cailean . . . she was the one who inflicted the pain, she was the who left, she was the one who ended their relationship . . . pero sa nakikita niya, Cailean also experienced the pain and it was because of her pride.

Her own pride ruined her.

Sumandal si Kylo sa sofa habang nakaupo sa lapag. Nakatitig siya sa frame na nasa bookshelf, ang picture nila ni Cailean. He started strumming the guitar na matagal na niyang hindi ginawa. It feels new to him, pero dahil naggigitara talaga siya, it feels natural.

Mahina siyang kumanta. "Oh, I'm sorry, girl, for causing you much pain. Didn't mean to make you cry, make your efforts all in vain. And I apologize for all the things I've done. You were loving me so much but all I did was let you down."

"Kylo naman, e. Ako dapat kumakanta niyan, e," umiiyak na sabi ni Cailean.

Hindi sumagot si Kylo. Ni hindi niya tiningnan si Cailean dahil umiiyak ito sa harapan niya. No'ng bago pa sila, he vowed not to make her cry, kahit ano'ng mangyari. Malaki ang kasalanan ni Cai kung bakit sila naghiwalay, but he's one of the reasons, too. Kung pinaramdam lang niya kay Cailean na naroon siya, hindi sila magkakaganito.

Kung naging open lang sila, walang six years na nasayang sa kanila.

"Oh, I never thought that I was hurting you," patuloy na pagkanta ni Kylo. "Now I know that I was wrong, now I know just what to do."

Suminghot siya dahil nag-flashback sa kaniya lahat ng nakaraan nila. The way Cailean laugh over simple things, the way she smiled over a candy that he gave, the way she hugged and kissed him, and would say thank you because he cooked for her.

He continued the song, "Gonna try to be the best that I could be. All I need is one more chance to make it up to you, you'll see."

Tumaas ang pangarap ni Cailean, pero kung mas aalalahanin niya 'yong pagiging grateful at pagiging kuntento ni Cailean noong sila pa, napapangiti siya. The person he loved was once a contended, cute girl until the world offered her more.

"This time, I'm not gonna let you slip away. This time, I'm not gonna let another day go by."

"Kylo naman, e. Pinaiiyak ako!"

Ngumiti siya. "Ako rin naman, e." He smiled. "Without holding you so tight . . . without treating you so right."

"Kylo naman." Cailean sniffed. "Tama na, we need to close this chapter."

Kylo nodded. Itinuloy niya pa rin ang kanta. "And there's one more thing that you oughta know, all I know is that I don't want you to go."

—
T H E X W H Y S
www.thexwhys.com