I think a lot of you have forgotten. Lexis laughs while others cry so smiling, chuckling etc in sad situations might be weird for you but it's his normal. It doesn't mean he doesn't feel bad.

Song: Holding on and letting go - Ross Copperman

"William Blake once wrote; "There are things that are known and thing that are unknown, and in between, there are doors. - Lucas Scott One Tree Hill

***

Lexis loses his balance, his knees going weak as they step into the waiting room. Maeve hurriedly holds onto him.

"Alexander," She calls out holding him up. Eyes filled with pain and worry.

He lets out a heavy breath.

"I'm okay," Lexis says smiling without the smile reaching his eyes.

"You're not," Maeve replies.

He sneers.

"But she's okay," He replies.

Maeve lets out a heavy sigh exchanging looks with Zane as she remembers their conversation the previous night.

The eve of the court case.

"Alexander, are you really going to do this? Are you really bringing up your son?" Maeve asks Lexis who leans forward eyes shut and interlocks his fingers against his knees.

"I've been with you the past few days, apart from the day you learnt the news and cried you have yet to really grieve, you've been pushing away the emotions by not giving yourself space to think.," She says voice and face filled with worry.

Lexis stays quiet.

"Can you really blame her for his death?" Maeve asks.

"Grieving and thinking are two different things," Lexis says releasing his hands and leaning back as he opens his eyes.

"Yes, but it seems to me your lack of grieving is messing up your thought process and thinking," Maeve says. 

"Alexander, if you go ahead with this, you'll never forgive yourself," Maeve pleads.

"What if it pushes her further from you?"She asks frustrated by his silence. It was obvious what he planned to do and was doing was killing him and eating him up slowly so why keep doing it?

"It's a risk I have to take," He finally says.

"Why? I don't get why, if you want to slap her back to reality you can't tell her that in a setting that's private and not in court while trying to take away her daughter," Maeve says.

"Because Hera will never come to the realization that it's not her fault," He says getting up.

"I'm not following," She says following his movements with her eyes.

He lets out a heavy breath. Shutting his eyes as he runs his hands through his hair opening his eyes.

"If I just blamed her for his death without the other extremities of having her at the edge of losing Shakespeare, Hera will accept it,"

"She'll accept that it's her fault?" She asks with furrowed brows.

Lexis nods letting out another heavy breath as he leans against the chair.

"She'll forever be stuck in the grip of self blame. She needs to be at the brink of losing our daughter to realize losing our son was not her fault. She needs to be in that extremely strenuous situation to snap, get mad at me for blaming her and realize that it wasn't her fault, that the circumstances were beyond her control, to declare it and finally pass the stage she is stuck in," He explains as he'd explained to Jess when he asked for her help in winning the case.

"Can't you just get her help psychologically?" Jess had said.

"Who said this isn't psychological?"

"Yes, but it's more brutal, maybe have her talk to a psychologist?" She suggests.

"Sometimes, we need the harsh to get the best and fastest results," Lexis says his hands wiping his lips, sliding to hold his neck.

"Hera is not someone that works well with time, words, talking. You know that well Jess," He says to which Jess sighs.

"I tried that once five years ago and she still left me,"He says.

"But you were not and are not a psychologist," Maeve says echoing Jess' words.

"True, but that doesn't mean I haven't run this by psychologists,"  He says getting up and walking to a desk to get a file that he hands to Maeve.

"I did speak to one in regards to her five years ago and again a few days back when I got my report. Some people work well under normal non stressful treatments. Not Hera, she needs to really lose everything to return from the abyss she's locked herself in,"

"So if you do this she'll stop blaming herself for your accident and get back with you?" Maeve asks.

"No, that's a different matter that requires a different tactic,"

"I don't get it why won't she?"

"Guilt, blame and punishment," Lexis says counting with his fingers.

"I'm not following," Maeve replies.

"Hera blames herself for both I and my sons...demise. She feels so much guilt for what she believes her decisions have done to me that she's punishing herself by staying away from me,"

"Self blame...blame, guilt, punishment...Like me," Maeve says with widened eyes.

"You're catching on," Lexis says sneering.

"With my accident, the loss of my memories and all that happened to me, it's easier to snap her out of it. My sons death... is not as easy. Placing the blame on Peter, myself or another, won't make her snap out of it, because regardless of my supposed death, It's harder to convince her of the variables,"

"That self hate is something no one has ever blamed her for. She's blamed herself for five years and had everyone tell her it's not her fault. How did she react?"

"More self hate?" She suggests.

"Exactly!" He says raising his index finger.

"What Hera needs is a switch in tactics,"

"Reverse psychology,"

Lexis nods.

"She needs to be blamed for it to refute the allegations made against her," He says.

"Which will in turn help her heal," She says, adding, "An eye opener," as she breaks into a smile. 

"The stress, the blames, accusations, risk of losing Shakespeare, will be so extreme she'll burst out of the room she trapped herself in her mind to defend her self and her children," Lexis finishes.

"God, you're a genius," Maeve says.

Lexis smiles sadly.

"But why hasn't any other psychologist realized this and helped treat her that way?"

"Because they are not me,"

"Meaning?"

"They are not the childs dad. They are not the ones who were the cause of her first mind entrapment . That was me. My accident first caused her to lock up a part of her, then the loss of my child which she blamed herself for. It's something she can and could never forgive herself for that she took my life and that of my son. But then the man she thought was dead, appears alive in front of her five years later with no memories,"

"It worsened the self blame," She says in understanding.

"Exactly, not only did she not get out of the first cell she imprisoned herself in when I died, she lost our child and went deeper not healing, then I return alive but with no memories, worse than I ever was in terms of character. The self blame and guilt were suffocating, and except I the catalyst, the beginning and crux of it all, gets her out of it, no psychologist will succeed,"

"Because she feels it's a worthy punishment she deserves," Maeve says relating to the feeling.

"Guilt, blame, punishment...Blame, guilt, punishment," Lexis repeats.

"So you're using poison to cure poison,"

"The triad of blame guilt and punishment that got her to where she is today emotionally is what shall be the medicine to heal her,"Lexis says.

"And you can't use sweet words or a simpler less harsh method,"

"I can't,"He replies.

"Sucks to be you," She says.

Lexis lets out a heavy sigh, "Tell me about it,"

"What if after everything she doesn't want to get back with you? Have you thought of that possibility?" Maeve asks a question Jess had also asked.

"I have," He replies.

"And?" Maeve asks leaning forward, waiting for more.

"I won't give up on her, but..." Lexis says and pauses a sneer on his lips.

"...If this can make her get out of the self blame, guilt, punishment phase she's stuck in and truly live again then that...that will be all that matters," He finishes

"You'll help her heal but who'll help you?" Maeve asks sadly.

"You know you'll never forgive yourself right? For what you did today,"Maeve says coming back to the present.

"Like I said, as long as she's okay, it's all worth it,"

"You're crazy you know that right?" Maeve says.

Lexis who'd normally have reacted negatively to the word smiles. It seems his confrontation with his dad really helped him.

"My crazy is her normal," He replies.

***

Since I started writing this and the first book the last chapter Blame was the first that truly had me bawling. I try to make sure each chapter I write that should evoke tears from the reader makes me cry when I write or I don't post it but the last chapter truly had me in a flood of tears like never before since starting this book so I'm glad it touched you like it did me. So many mothers mine included, go through loss of kids, due to miscarriages etc and sometimes the mums blame themselves when in most cases it wasn't their fault(They didn't drink etc they abided by the laws placed on them by their doctors but still lost the kid). I hope I spoke to those people through the last chapter. You are not to blame, you did not kill your child, it is not your fault.

Love

- A