I have a memory of being around 21 years old and listening to an album I had just recorded on my 4-track cassette recorder.  I thought it was the best work I had ever done, and to be fair, at that point it probably was.  I was excited at the prospect of getting better and it made me wonder what I was going to do next.  And then what I would do after that.  And after that.  

I started wondering if I would still even be interested in making music 10, 20, 30 years from then and if I was would it be any good?  I mean, it would make sense that from a technical standpoint the more practice and experience I had I would probably improve, but what about stylistically?  I kind of liked some weird, edgy, experimental stuff back then.  Would I still be into that when I got old?  If I was still recording music would it be anything I actually liked or would I have some morphed into making bland, boring crap?  Would I be making... (shudder)... old people music???

That was a thought that has stuck with me over the years.  I was specifically focused on music, but I think there was a general fear of getting older.  Would I be the same person?  Are old people inherently lame?

I don't know the definitive answer to that, but I do know the older I get the more my definition of what "old" is changes.  I mean, when I was a little kid I thought teenagers were unfathomably old.  Let alone somebody in their... gasp... 30's.  A friend's father passed away recently at the age of 69, and that now sounds like a young age to go.  

I'm definitely not precisely the same person I was when I was 21, but that's a good thing.  You're supposed to grow and evolve in life.  I wasn't precisely the same person at 21 that I was at age 10 and that was a good thing, too.  In fact, I would argue there was a much bigger difference in who I was at age 10 and at age 21 than there is between age 21 and now.  At the very least I've changed my views on a few things and I don't feel the urge to go out partying every weekend like I did back then.  That might make me lame by my younger self's definition, but at the same time when I was 21 I always thought it was a little sad to see some 40 year old dude at the club.  It's okay to settle down a little bit in that regard.  I still have lots of fun, I just have it in slightly different ways.  

Overall though, there's a big part of me that's recognizably still the same person I was back then.  And for the things that are different, I can draw a line from there to here and see what's changed and how.  It's not like I magically became someone else out of nowhere.  It was a progression from there to here.  And it's not like I was perfect how I was then either.  Some things needed to change.  In retrospect I was immature in a lot of ways.  But that's the thing.  It's okay to be a little immature at that age.  I was being the age that I was then and I'm being the age I am now and it gives me confidence that I will still mostly be me 10 or 20 years from now.  

To answer my own question about music, I am still recording it and I do think I've gotten a lot better at it since then.  I also think my tastes haven't changed so radically that my younger self would be disappointed in my older self.  Honestly, I'm doing a lot of the same things, I've just gotten a bit better at it.  I can't go back in time and play music I recorded in 2022 to my 21 year old self and gauge his reaction, but I always have kept him in mind and I'm 99% sure he would approve of 99% of the music that I still make.  After all, I still like some weird, edgy, experimental stuff.  Along with a good catchy melody.  But I liked a good catchy melody back then, too.

The real question that never occurred to me back in the day is would a 21 year old now like the same stuff that I liked when I was 21?  Probably not, because styles change.  I'm pretty sure I'm still making music that would appeal to my 21 year old self, but I have no idea if current 21 year olds would like the music I make because I don't really hang out with a lot of 21 year olds.  And that's okay.  I didn't want to hang out with dudes in their 40's when I was in my 20's either.  

But really it wasn't so much falling out of fashion that I worried about as not being myself.  I may have fallen a bit out of fashion and that's okay.  Again, it happens to all of us eventually.  And who has the time or energy to try to stay on top of the latest fashions anyway?  I think I discussed this in an earlier entry this year, but fashion's kind of dumb anyway.  

The important thing is, I don't think that I've lost myself and I don't think that I will, unless of course, I get dementia or something down the road.  There have been some changes but I'm still recognizably me and I'm pretty sure that will remain the case for a good long while still.  So I look forward to the music I still have to make, and also the stories that I still have to write.  I didn't get into that, but I think my writing style has remained consistent but also improved over the years as well.  So what's to be afraid of when getting older?  Besides eventually dying, if anything I seem to be in a lot of ways becoming a better version of myself and that's pretty cool really.