“Break na tayo Jaycee okay?” sinabi ko sa kanya ng harap-harapan, “Sawa na ako sa iyo. Can you please stop texting and calling me na because no matter how many times you beg, hindi na tayo magbabalikan.  Tsupi na okay? You’re ruining my day!”

Umalis naman si Jaycee sa harapan ko ng nakayuko. Kulang na lang siguro eh umiyak yung lalaki na iyon eh. So annoying kaya! I mean, record-breaking na nga na I dated him for a week. Geez! Ano pa bang gusto niya?

Naupo ako doon sa table sa cafeteria ng school namin kung nasaan yung dalawang kaibigan ko na si Angel at si Irene. Umiiling-iling lang si Irene sa akin at si Angel naman eh nakanganga lang.

Okay, so yeah… I am what I am. People call me the b-word, mayabang, sobrang arte… but who cares? I’m pretty, I’m rich, and I’m popular. I have my girls with me and that’s all that matters. Besides, all these guys like me. Lahat sila, gustong maging boyfriend ko. I can get all of them if I want to.

I just dispatched one. Walang kahirap-hirap.

“Wow, Kaitlyn. Grabe naman yung ginawa mo kay Jaycee!” narinig ko na sinabi ni Angel sa akin nung nakarating na ako, “Talagang pinahiya mo ng ganun?”

Sinimulan ko ng buksan yung salad na binili ko doon sa lunch special. Nilagay ko pa yung panyo ko sa kandungan ko in case na matapunan yung uniform ko.

“Uhh yeah. Nakakainis kaya siya.” Sagot ko naman kay Angel, “Sawa na rin ako. Time for a change.”

“Ohh so the princess is back in the market!” sinabi ni Irene sabay subo niya doon nung sandwich niya, “Girl, para ka ng ‘Dating Princess!’ Lahat ng guys nakukuha mo.”

“I know!” nilagay ko pa yung kamay ko sa dibdib ko, “I am so galing kaya!”

Kumain pa rin ako ng kumain doon dahil lunch namin. Nung inangat ko yung ulo ko, saka ko nakita na nagtinginan bigla si Angel at si Irene as if may magandang idea na pumasok sa kanila. Ewan ko ba dito sa dalawang ‘to.

“Well, princess,” sabi ni Angel ng mahina at lumapit sa akin para walang makarinig, “gusto mo ba ng challenge?”

Napataas yung kilay ko. It’s not like me to go do something I am told to do. But I like challenges.

“At anong challenge naman yan ha? It better be a good one na hindi masasayang ang oras ko.”

Natawa naman si Angel nun.

“Lahat naman ng guys nakukuha mo with..” tinignan niya ako mula ulo hanggang paa, “all of that. Pero kung gusto mo ng challenge… bakit hindi yun ang sunod mong target?” ngumuso naman bigla si Angel sa likuran ko.

Napalingon naman akong bigla. Nung nakita ko kung sino yung pumasok, there is no way I am taking on that challenge.

“Si Louie???” pataas pa yung boses ko sa kanya, “No.. can’t.. do.”

I waved it off. There is no way I am about to make the #1 school nerd to like me. That’s just a little extreme.

“Balita ko… he doesn’t date for a reason. Focus daw siya sa studies niya.” dagdag ni Irene, “Hindi naman siya super-duper stereotypical nerd.” Tumingin siya ng pasimple doon kay Louie.

“Ayoko nga!” sabi ko ulit sa kanila, “He’s not my type.”

“Ano ka ba?” contradict kaagad ni Angel, “Kahit naman nerd yun ang cute kaya niya. Kung hindi mo lang alam na Science wiz yun eh hindi mo naman malalaman na nerd sa sobrang ka-cutan…” huminto naman siya, “You don’t have to like him. It’s just a challenge to prove you can get anyone. Kung ma-break mo yung no-girlfriend policy niya, eh ‘di ikaw na!”

Si Louie. Siya lang naman yung guy na Biology major sa school. He irritates me. This guy has a lot of girls following him dahil nga “cute” daw. But you know, not me. Hindi ako sa sasali sa listahan ng mga nagkakagusto dun.

I hate nerds. I will never date nerds. Kahit gaano pa kapogi.

Of course, it bothered me na siya pa ang nai-suggest sa akin ni Irene at ni Angela. Give me another challenge, huwag lang yung Louie.

“So you’re basically turning down a challenge!” sabi ni Irene sa pang-aasar sa akin nung isang araw, “The Dating Princess can’t be the queen then?”

“Shut up.” Sabi ko naman kaagad sa kanya.

“Meron din palang hindi kaya na challenge si Kaitlyn.”

I was not about to have my status tampered ng dahil lang sa hindi ko pa sinusubukan ang campus nerd na ayaw daw mag-girlfriend. As much as I hate na isama siya sa koleksiyon ko, I have to prove that I can get the guy.

Get him and then drop him.

Fortunately, we were taking the same Mental Health laboratory class nun. I found out na iisa lang yung professor naming dalawa kaya lalo namang mapapadali yung balak ko. I mean really, what a lovely day to be in lab.

Kahit na hindi siya yung nabunot ko doon sa lab para maging partner ko, I did not want to give up. Ako, si Kaitlyn, I always get what I want.

Nilapitan ko nun yung isang babae na nakabunot ng pangalan ni Louie. Kaya ako, ayun, nilapitan ko naman siya kaagad.

“Akin na yang pangalan na nabunot mo at magpapalit tayo.” Sabi ko ng madiin doon sa babae.

Napatingin lang siya sa akin na para bang nagulat sa sinabi ko.

“P-pero s-si Louie na yung nabunot ko…” sagot niya sa akin.

“Sabi ko,” tinaasan ko siya ng kilay ko, “Magpapalit tayo ng partners okay? Akin na yang hawak mo.”

Siguro nga natakot yung babae sa akin at bigla na lang niyang inabot yung papel na may pangalan ni Louie. Pinaalis ko siya doon sa kinauupuan niya at ako naman yung pumalit doon.

Of course, isa-isang tinawag namin yung mga partners namin. I started smiling really wide nung nakita ko na dumating na si Louie. Kadarating lang niya nun. He just nodded at me from afar at nagsimula na ring lumapit sa akin.

“Kaitlyn, ‘di ba Miss?” magalang na pagtatanong niya sa akin. For a guy, he had long lashes. Nakabody bag lang siya na binaba niya sa ilalim ng upuan at naupo siya doon sa stool harapan ko, right across the long table.“Partner pala kita this semester?” nakangiti niyang pagtatanong.

“Uhmm, yeah. I believe so.” Nakangiti ko naman din na sagot sa kanya.

I tried my best to befriend the guy. He’s so nice, he’s almost impossible to imagine. For one, I have to admit he is pretty good looking.

The only turn off to me is, he is a nerd. They’re almost untouchables in my opinion.

From working sa laboratory, that friendship sort of branched out into work outside of Mental Health class. Of course  I needed a reason para madalas ko siyang makasama. The princess cannot do the job kung hindi ko makakasama yung nerd. Konting papansin, konting paganda—there is no way this guy is not going to like the brat.

There was one day na he invited me over sa bahay nila dahil doon daw kami gagawa ng schoolwork for the day. Babysitter din kasi siya nung maliit niya na kapatid at the time so wala daw syiang choice kung hindi mag-stay ng bahay that day. Ako naman, as nice as I could ever be, umoo naman ako. Besides, I have never met his little brother.

Their house wasn’t that big. It was just a small house. Yung kapatid pa niya ang nagbukas ng pintuan nung nakarating na ako sa kanila.

“Kuya!!! May magandang babae dito sa labas!”

Natawa naman ako doon sa kapatid niya. Tumakbo naman siya ng mabilis sa loob para kunin si Louie.

Saglit lang din naman, nakarating na siya at pinapasok ako doon sa loob.

“Pasensiya ka na at maliit lang yung bahay namin.” Sinabi niya kaagad sa akin na parang nahihiya, “Hindi kasing laki ng bahay niyo.”

Napakunut-noo naman ako sa kanya. At paano naman niya malalaman na malaki ang bahay namin eh hindi ko pa naman siya dinadala doon?

I guess napansin niya yung pagkagulat ko kaya sinagot niya naman kaagad kahit na hindi pa ako nagtatanong.

“Everyone knows,” sabi niya ng mahina, “You’re Kaitlyn. It’s kind of a given.”

Hindi ko alam kung compliment ba yun o hindi. Sinubukan ko na lang na huwag isipin yung comment niya. Somehow, being popular at that time nung pagkakasabi niya did not feel right. “Everyone knows” sounded like, my business, is everybody’s business.

So we went on about that day.I tried to ask him about College Algebra dahil yun kunwari yung problema ko na klase sa school. May take-home practice kami nun na hindi ko pa ginagawa. If this guy is as smart as everyone says he is, then kayang-kaya niya ang Algebra.

“…what is the value of x in this particular graph?” tanong ko naman sa kanya habang nakaupo siya matapos kong basahin yung tanong galing sa libro.

Nakatitig siya doon sa libro ko. He tried to scribble here and there sa papel niya at panay ang tingin niya doon sa graph. It took him a while, which did not make sense kasi kitang-kita naman sa graph kung ano ’yung value ng ‘x’ without even the need to solve it. I mean, it took me 2 seconds to solve it.

Pero siyempre, I am not about to put up that front.

“3” sagot niya sa akin after a minute or two of contemplation.

Wrong. Ewan ko kung nagkamali lang ba siya nung pagkakataon na yun o talagang hindi niya alam?

I tried to ask him for another problem. Siyempre kunwari I went by his first answer kahit na alam ko namang mali. What can I do? I have to please the guy. I can’t shoot down his ego.

So nung sumunod na problem at iso-solve naman yung equation, it took him awhile again.

“Sa problem na ito yung missing value eh…” huminto siya ng kaunti, “15.”

Wrong. He got it wrong again. What the hell?

Hindi ko alam kung hindi lang ba niya naiintindihan yung algebra equation. This guy is known to be a nerd and he’s not that smart? What’s up with that?

Even though hindi siya kasama sa original na plano ko, I had to do it.

“Hindi ba kapag napag-add itong dalawang numbers na ito,” tinuro ko yung dalawang numbers na nakasulat doon sa libro, “At nai-substitute mo ito sa variable then it comes out as… 6?”

He stared at me as if for the first time a math problem just made sense. He seemed to be very pleased doon sa ginawa ko dahil ang saya-saya niya. My original plan was to go lovey-dovey at pa-cute with this guy while he’s teaching me Math. But in the end, I was the one teaching him how to solve the problems. Ang ironic lang ng araw na ito. I was the one teaching the nerd.

That day was not an isolated event. Tuwing magkikita kami para sa study sessions namin, I always end up teaching him sa subjects. According sa kanya, he’s a science person. Everything else he sucks.

They call this guy a nerd. Aren’t nerds supposed to be smart?

Somehow, kahit na hindi naman pala siya ganun katalinuhan eh na-enjoy ko naman na turuan siya. Kapag tinuro ko na, he gets it the first time. Minsan, he’ll get the answer at the top of his head kahit hindi pa siya nagso-solve, which he claims to be na lucky lang daw siya. I think he’s pretty smart but he just does not apply himself.

Nung one day na may session kami sa bahay nila, he was so serious na ginagawa yung project namin sa Mental Health lab. Alam ko na since malapit na mag-end yung first half ng semester, baka mag rotate na naman at mag-iba yung partners namin. We both have to acknowledge na hindi na naming kailangan magkita uli.

I guess I am losing this challenge after all. I could not crack this guy. This guy who did not make one move on me.

I remember even subtly dropping that hint a couple of weeks back.

“Louie, maganda ba ako?” I remember asking him.

He stared at me straight into my eyes, and then he replied, “You’re very beautiful.”

I can’t believe it’s bothering me. The fact that he did not make a move on me ang hindi ko matanggap. I know it’s not about the challenge anymore. Gusto ko lang malaman yung reason niya kung bakit hindi niya ako gusto. You can’t call someone beautiful and not be attracted? Posible ba yun?

“Louie,” sabi ko ng mahina sa kanya kaya inangat niya yung ulo niya para tignan ako, “You do know every girl in school has a crush on you, ‘di ba?”

He looked pretty serious. Ibinaba niya uli yung ulo niya at binalik niya doon sa sinusulat niya sa poster as if hindi siya interesado sa sinabi ko.

“Not every girl.” Sagot niya ng mabilis sa akin.

“P-pero…” I said almost stuttering, “Totoo naman kaya.”

He stopped writing. There was no smile on his face. Ewan ko ba. Bigla na lang siyang nagseryoso at inilapit niya yung mukha niya sa mukha ko.

“Sigurado ka? Lahat?” nakatitig lang siya sa akin, “Last time I checked, you’re not interested in me.”

Napanganga ako sa kanya. I don’t know if he’s onto me. Bakit naman niya sasabihin sa akin yun sa mukha ko pa?

“Kaitlyn,” mabagal na pagkakasabi niya, “I don’t want to be a part of your little game.” Sumandal siya sa upuan niya, “Besides, ayaw kong mag-girlfriend dahil may hinihintay akong babae na bumalik.”

Sa totoo lang, wala naman talaga akong karapatan na magalit dahil kasalanan ko naman talaga. Totoo naman na laro lang ito. Totoo naman na plano ko talaga siyang isali sa koleksiyon ko. At totoo rin na challenge lang ito.

Pero bakit parang pinatatamaan niya ako? Sure, I had a reputation. But I did not use it on him. Not one day. For the first time in so long, I can actually say, I was myself.

I ended up leaving their house early that day sa sobrang sakit na naramdaman ko. I can’t believe him. Ni-reject niya ako right then and there? Louie, the not-so-smart-nerd just said ‘no’ to me? He pretty much said kahit na indirect eh, “Kaitlyn, I don’t like you at all.”

Hindi masink-in sa isip ko yung sinabi niya. He’s waiting for a girl? Yun ba yung dahilan kaya hindi niya ako pinapansin? Dahil may gusto na siyang iba na hinihintay niya?

The whole idea bothered me so much kaya hindi ako nakatulog nung gabi na iyon. I wished I got some sleep dahil presentation namin sa Mental Health class the next day. Pero ewan ko ba. I think the thought that another girl owns that guy’s heart is too much. Parang hindi ko matanggap.

I tried my best to wake up the next day at ayusan ko yung sarili ko. People cannot see me in my worst state. I can’t believe na pinaiyak ako ni Louie. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko pa siya haharapin today.

I showed up to class at nakita ko na bihis na bihis siya. Sinabi niya sa akin na siya daw yung magcocompile nung PowerPoint presentation naming na ipro-project sa klase kaya hinayaan ko na lang siya. Tutal matapos ko siyang makita kahapon eh nawalan naman na ako ng gana after nung sinabi niya. Hindi ko alam kung makakapag-isip ba ako sa presentation namin.

Kami yung huling-huli na mag-partner na magpre-present sa klase. Dahil nga topic namin sa Mental Health class eh yung Psychosocial Stages of Development ni Erikson, hinati naming dalawa yung responsibility. Yung breakdown ng first half ng presentation eh ako ang nag-present.

Na-bored yata yung mga tao sa akin. No one really reacted pagkatapos kong magsalita. Even Louie looked surprised and bothered na parang concerned na concerned siya sa akin. I wanted to tell him in front of his face na, “Concerned ka ba talaga? Ikaw naman ang may kasalananan kaya ako ganito ‘di ba? Alam mo na dapat yun at hindi ka na dapat magulat pa.”

Of course I did not say that.

Kahit na napaka-unprofessional nung ginawa ko, umupo ako kaagad doon sa upuan ko at iniwan ko siyang nakatayo sa harap ng room para mag-present. Hindi kaya ng tuhod ko na tumayo doon sa haparan katabi niya dahil pakiramdam ko eh maiiyak ako ng kahit ano mang oras.

Kaka-click pa lang niya uli doon sa susunod na slide ng presentation, isang malaking picture ko ang lumabas sa screen. Nagulat na lang ako kung bakit mukha ko yung nakalagay doon.

Then Louie started presenting.

“Kapag adolescent na tayo, ages 12-18 years old, ang psychosocial development eh categorized as ‘Identity vs. Role confusion,” maliwanag na pagkakasabi niya sa harapan. “Hinahanap natin kung ano ba ang identity natin. Sino ba tayo? Minsan naliligaw tayo sa kung sino ba tayo dapat.”

He clicked it again. The next photo earned a good laugh sa buong klase at nagtinginan lahat sa akin.

It was a picture of me when I was in high school wearing big ole’ glasses, no make-up, with braces, and my hair was on a bun.

“Another thing about Identity vs. Role confusion na sample is this picture. The real Kaitlyn nung high school.” Tinignan niya ako.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit niya ginagawa sa akin na ipahiya ako. Dahil ba sa ginusto ko na maging challenge siya kaya ganito na lang niya ako paghigantihan?

Hindi ko na maiwasan yung samang loob ko. I stood up from where I was sitting at tumakbo ako papalabas ng room.

I started running and running. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. Basta ang alam ko lang nung mga oras na iyon eh mapalayo ako doon sa mga nagtawanan sa akin. Louie just humiliated me in front of everyone.

I guess ganito pala yung feeling ng mga nilalaglag. I guess I know what it feels like to be like Jaycee. This is how it feels like to be dropped by someone that you actually cared for.

Pumunta ako nun sa likod ng building para magtago. I have no face to show everyone now. After ng pamamahiya niya sa akin, hindi ko alam kung mapapatawad ko pa siya. This is another repeat of high school. Ako, si Kaitlyn, yung laughing stock ng high school. History repeats itself nga dahil nangyayari na naman sa akin ngayong college.

I wanted to forget that low point of my life. Tapos inungkat pa uli ni Louie.

I cried and cried hanggang sa sobrang mugto na siguro ng mukha ko. Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal na nandun sa likod ng building. Sa sobrang sama siguro ng loob ko at sa sobrang lalim ng iniisip ko, hindi ko napansin na nahanap na pala niya ako.

“Bakit nagtatago ka dito?” yun ang unang tanong niya sa akin.

I stood up and stared at him. How dare he ask me that question as if he doesn’t know.

“Anong sabi mo? Nagtatanga-tangahan ka ba Louie?” sinagot ko naman sa kanya sa sobrang galit ko, “You just humiliated me in front of our class.”

Hindi ko mapigilan na namang umiyak nun. Nakatayo lang si Louie doon at pinagmamasdan niya ako. He looked so sorry na umiiyak ako, pero somehow, hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko.

“Bakit, nakakatawa ba na balikan mo pa yung high school days? Gustung-gusto ko na yun kalimutan!” sigaw ko naman sa kanya.

Lumapit siya sa akin nun at hinawakan niya ako sa kamay ko. Hinila ko pa yung kamay ko kaya lang hinigpitan niya yung pagkakahawak sa akin.

“Why do you have to forget about it? That’s the part I want to remember!”

Huminto ako nun. I hate him. I hate him very much.

“So, nagpre-pretend ka lang na this whole time hindi mo ako kilala?” sabi ko sa kanya, “Louie, high school pa lang tayo pinahiya mo na ako. You vowed to hate the nerdy girl Kaitlyn. Na nakakadiri ako, na hindi ko maganda… when the whole time in high school I just liked you. Alam mo yun!” Inalis ko yung kamay ko sa pagkakahawak niya, “Guess what? After nun, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na hindi na ako magiging katatawanan. Hindi na ako aapihin. Hindi na ako aarteng matalino na kinadidirian ng mga lalaking katulad mo…”

Nanlaki yung mata niya sa akin nun. Hindi ko alam kung may  nasabi ba ako na nakakagulat sa kanya.

“SAYS WHO?!? SAYS THE GIRLS FROM HIGH SCHOOL?” sagot niya sa akin ng malakas, “Wala akong sinasabi na ganyan! The problem is, you heard someone say it but you never heard it from me. You listen to the the wrong stuff, but you never let yourself listen to right thing.” Tinignan niya ako uli, “Just as you never finished hearing what I had to say up there sa presentation.”

Tinaas niya yung kamay niya as if pointing at me from my head to my feet.

“Look at you,” sabi niya sa akin na parang disappointed na siya, “I don’t know why you turned out to be this brat girl who thinks she’s the center of everything.” Lumapit siya uli sa akin at hinawakan niya ako sa magkabilang pisngi ko, “But you know what? Underneath all of that, is that someone I knew. Kagaya nung sinasabi ko sa presentation ko kanina. I’d pick that nerdy girl in high school over this… whoever this is!”

He stepped back nun sa pagkakasabi niya sa akin.

“I’ve been waiting for you to come back, and I got some of you back when I was pretending during those study sessions. There’s still that girl nung high school underneath all these masks…” paliwanag niya sa akin, “If you turned out like this brat just to forget about a misunderstanding nung high school, ako naman, I strived to be this smart just so I’d be worthy of you. So I can match you.”

He started pulling me para mapalapit ako sa kanya. He hugged me really tight kaya hindi ako makagalaw.

“Please come back to me. I love you. The real you.”