Episode 4, Part 2: And a Happy New Year!

“Mmmmph!” Blackstar said.

“Oh, alright.” Stardust rolled her eyes. “Here. Show me how to unmute it and I’ll let you speak again.”

Blackstar frowned, then his eyes went wide. “Mmph! Mmph!”

“You…didn’t put an unmute function on this thing, did you?” Stardust asked. Blackstar looked abashed. “Brilliant, Blackstar, brilliant.” He shrugged. “Well then! It looks like I’m going to be doing this solo…”

Blackstar gave her a glare.

“Mostly solo,” she corrected and he smiled. She sighed and turned back to the audience. “Well, let’s get back into it! This part of the episode is for New Year’s, so enjoy!”

#71: ‘Just because they glow sometimes’ is not a good excuse to use voltorbs as the New Year’s Ball.

Since the regular one had been shattered, the citizens of Castelia City decided that a giant container filled with Voltorbs would make a perfect replacement! How did it break, you ask? Well, it appears that a certain jigglypuff had run through town with Mewtwo hot on her heels…

You can probably guess what happened when they went to drop the ball…

“Three!”

“TWO!”

“ONE!”

“VOLTORB!” the angry Pokémon began glowing brightly.

“OH CRA-”

“BOOOOOOOOOOM!”

In the town hall, the mayor held a quick meeting with his subordinates. “Alright, we pin this on the previous administration,” he said.

“Um, how are we going to pin the destruction of downtown on them?” an aide asked.

“Boy, this is politics. Everything is the previous administration’s fault.”

#72: New Year’s is a time for resolutions to do better next year…so starting your new diet by gorging yourself is not a good idea.

“Murk…smack…urp…belch…”

The Pichu Brothers stared up at the behemoth in awe. Never, never had they seen so much food disappear so quickly. “Um…Mr. Snorlax?”

“Gobble…shovel…What?”

“How do you fit all of that inside you?” they asked.

“Hohoho! It’s simple, boys!” Snorlax said, “I have a hollow leg.”

Their eyes went wide. “Really?”

“Yes. Now pass the custard and stop asking silly questions.”

#73: If you must observe all twelve days of Christmas, do so with discretion.

“You haven’t opened my gift yet!” Crystal exclaimed in surprise.

“Nope!” Gold said, “I’m waiting till Epiphany!”

“What in blue blazes is that?” Crystal asked. To be honest, she was not very happy at the moment and didn’t really care what it was, she just wanted to know what could be so important that Gold would delay opening her gift.

“Well, you know that song ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’? Well, it came from where there were twelve days of celebration, ending in Epiphany!” Gold said with a self-satisfied grin, “And the tradition was to open a gift a day, so I haven’t opened yours yet.”

“Whose have you opened?” she said, a dangerous tone in her voice.

“Oh, Red’s, Prof. Oak’s, Silver’s…”

“YOU OPENED SILVER’S BEFORE MINE?!”

Gold suddenly realized what was going on and grinned nervously. “Um, I have the right to remain silent, right?”

“You also have the right to run away. As fast as you can. And I suggest you use it.”

                                         *        *        *

Stardust smiled. “Not your best decision, kid. Anyway, what’s next on the list, Blackstar?”

“Mmph!”

Her smile faded. “Right. Mute button. See if you can fix that.”

Blackstar nodded in agreement.

“You know,” Stardust said, “This is a lot less fun without your stupid comments…and I can’t believe I just said that.”

He grinned at her.

“Oh stop it! DJ! Marbles! Play the next few skits, please. Before I completely embarrass myself.”

#74: Fireworks are to be used by those with wisdom only.

The alarm blared and red lights flashed. The ship was out of control and was spiraling downwards toward the city below. Hunter J. clung to her command chair, cursing under her breath. Another explosion rocked the deck and threw her crew from their positions. She closed her eyes as the ground rushed up to meet her. At least the explosion would do a lot of damage to the city responsible for her demise.

“Told you it would work!” Victini said. He grinned as the ship lost cloak entirely and crashed right into the middle channel of Full Moon Island.

“Well, on to the next group of villains then!” Azelf declared, “Hmm, what’s our plan for Team Plasma?”

“Well Mew suggested we bring the carnival to life.”

“Sounds fun! Let’s go!”

And that is how Ghetsis met his end at the sugary hands of the dreaded Cotton Candy Glob…that ate Castelia City.

#75: Avoid going to the store at all costs!

“Okay,” Brendan said, “I just need some Lemonade from the vending machine. Shouldn’t be too difficult, right?”

He pushed open the door and found himself in one of the circles of Hell. Kids were fighting over the last Poke-Dolls, trainer battles had broken out all over, and the store clerks were swamped in a crowd of shouting shoppers, much like a man caught in a crowd of hungry zombies. Brendan ducked as someone fired a spear-gun and briefly debated turning back.

“Eh, it’s not as bad as Black Friday!” He shrugged and dove into the mayhem.

#76: Even though New Years is the time for parties and fun, don’t challenge Meloetta to a pun war.

It lasted a whole month. Neither Victini or Meloetta were willing to admit defeat. Pun after pun they threw at each other, making breakfast, flying around Unova, in the Legendary Council meetings, and even in their sleep! After a while, even Mew was annoyed.

“Give it up!” Victini said while dancing in time with the music, “You’re beat.”

“On the contrary.” Meloetta pirouetted. “I just have to stay on my toes.”

“That’s enough!” Dialga roared, “You’ve been at this pointless game for a month, four hours, nine minutes, and ten seconds now! Give it up already!”

“We’re just killing time.”

Dialga glared. “Fine. You asked for it.” He cleared his throat. “Cease saying silly sentences so a slaying shall stop sidling up to your side. Sneakily.”

“Ooh! Alliterations!” Meloetta said in delight.

“HA!” Victini danced around in triumph. “That wasn’t a pun! I won! I won!”

“No you did not, you bologna-nosed, booger brained, beedrill butt!”

“What was that, you miserable, misanthropic…”

Dialga roared in rage and the pair gulped.

“Truce?” Victini offered.

“Truce,” Meloetta agreed, “Now run!”

                                         *        *        *

“So Blackstar.”

“Mmph?”

“Any idea how to unmute yourself yet?”

Blackstar nodded.

“Oh?” Stardust raised an eyebrow. “How?”

Blackstar blushed and shook his head.

“No, seriously. Tell me.”

Blackstar turned and typed something into a nearby computer. He slid it over to her. She read it and her eyes went wide. “You’re serious?”

He nodded.

“Well, let’s get this over with then…” She approached him slowly, closed her eyes, and kissed him. Then right afterwards she slapped him with her tail.

“Ow!” he said, rubbing his cheek, “What was that for?”

“Just so you don’t get any ideas,” she said, “Right, well what’s next?”

“Well,” Blackstar said, still nursing his cheek, “Let me just say that New Years is a time for fun and all, but even being high (on sugar) is no excuse for doing any of these!”

#77: Don’t challenge Rocket Admins ‘To the Pain’.

“So, kid,” Proton spat, “To the death?”

“No, to the pain,” Gold replied.

Proton paused. “I’m not familiar with that. What is it?”

Unfortunately for Gold, Proton really didn’t find his whole speech intimidating. And so began a frantic battle of attrition as Gold tried to hold off the Admin’s Pokémon. Turns out, Antidotes and Pecha berries are necessary supplies when fighting an evil team that likes to poison you a lot.

#78: Don’t bring ordinary Poke-Balls to a Legendary Pokémon fight.

“Finally,” Giratina hissed. He leered down at Red. “I’ve found you. And I know for a fact that you have no more Master Balls. So, it’s time for you to-”

“Red used a Poke-Ball! Oh no! The Pokémon escaped!”

“As I was-”

“Red used a Poke-ball! Oh no! The Pokémon escaped!”

“WOULD YOU ST-!”

“Red used a Poke-Ball! Oh no! The Pokémon…”

“Mew,” Red said, “Please stop narrating for me.”

The pink legend giggled. “Sorry!”

#79: Don’t use Pokémon, even ones that look like food, as spare desserts.

Officer Jenny looked around at the crime scene and sighed. “What do we have on the case so far?”

“Well sir, it appears that the hosts ran out of ice cream and were very drunk, so they tried to serve vanillish instead.”

Jenny nodded. “So it’s suicide then.”

“Yes, that’s the conclusion we came to.”

“Right. Clean this mess up and we can all go home. Oh, and Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year to you too, sir.”

#80: Don’t ask Snivy what she thinks of you.

Snivy sat behind her booth and grinned smugly. This was the easiest money she’d ever made! Soon, she’d be able to buy a body-guard and keep that starry-eyed Oshawott away from her!

Tepig walked up and frowned. “Candid Opinions: Free.”

“Yes,” she said, “Care to try it?”

“I’m going to regret this, but sure.” He braced himself.

“Oh don’t look so alarmed. I actually think you’re quite wonderful.” Snivy smirked at him.

Tepig blinked in surprise. “Huh? You do?”

“Of course. Bacon that cooks itself is A-okay in my book!”

“Well that’s…”

“Though your brain is a little too fried in my opinion. Not a whole lot there, if you know what I mean.”

“Okay, I’ve had enough already,” Tepig snapped.

“It’s five dollars to get me to stop talking,” Snivy informed him.

“Shut up and take my money!” Tepig shouted. Snivy leaned back, satisfied. Easy money.

                                        *        *        *

“And that’s all she wrote!” Blackstar exclaimed, “Happy New Year, everyone and goodnight!”

The two eeveelutions went backstage. Plus and Minus bounded to their feet when they entered.

“Stardust!” they said in unison, “There’s a package waiting for you in your dressing room!”

“Aw.” She smiled. “Must be from one of my adoring fans.”

“I want adoring fans…” Blackstar muttered.

“Well maybe if you were beautiful like me, you’d have some!”

“Hey! I’m scrappy!” Blackstar said with a wounded tone, “Some girls are into that.”

“Oh really? I hadn’t noticed.”

Blackstar huffed. “You know what? Good night. I better leave before my ego becomes microscopic. See you next rehearsal.”

Stardust smiled warmly and nodded. “Yep. See you then.”

They parted and she went immediately to her dressing room. Plus and Minus followed behind her. “I can open it myself,” she said.

“We want to see what it is,” they answered.

“You know, that whole talking in unison thing is kind of creepy.”

“We know.”

Stardust took a deep breath. “O-kay then…” She opened the door to her dressing room and stepped inside. On the floor was a large package wrapped in purple and red paper. Plus and Minus filed in behind her and stood along the wall.

“Open it,” they said.

“I’m getting there, I’m getting there!” she said. Her eyes glowed and the wrapping came undone. Inside was a box. But when she went to open it, the top came flying off and a certain Ghost-type leapt out.

“Boo!” Wraith shouted, a wide grin on his face.

“You!” Stardust shouted. She crouched in a defensive stance. “What are you doing back here?!”

“I’ve come to give you an exclusive, non-refundable, and non-refusable, invitation for an all-expenses paid vacation to Pokémon Tower in Lavender Town,” Wraith said.

“You’re kidnapping me?!” Stardust glared. “Well, then you should realize that you are outnumbered! Plus and Minus! Let’s take him down!” There was no response. The plusle and minum pair stared blankly ahead. “Um…Plus? Minus?”

Wraith cackled. “Isn’t hypnosis wonderful? Now, come along my dear…”

“No! I’ll…” Stardust’s eyes met his and suddenly she felt sleepy. “I…ugh…now Blackstar has to come save me…brilliant…”