Episode 4, Part 1: The Christmas Special already?

“So wait, Mewtwo stuck Rotom in the computer?!” Blackstar shook his head. “Well, good thing we figured it out before the episode ended.”

“You’re telling me…” Stardust muttered, “I was getting rather annoyed there.” She smiled at him. “Ready for the Christmas special?”

“Yeah…” Blackstar said, “But I do have one question…”

“Yes?”

“Now what I don’t get,” Blackstar said, “Is how we got from Halloween to Christmas in two episodes.”

Stardust glared at him. “Great. Thanks a lot, Blackstar. Bet no one thought about that until you mentioned it.”

The umbreon blinked. “Oh, is this another ‘breaking the fourth wall’ thing?”

“Yes. And even though Palkia can’t technically attack us for it, it’s still not a good idea to press our luck. Unless it’s for the show.”

“Right.” He turned to face the readers and smiled sheepishly. “Sorry everyone. Forget I said anything!”

Stardust sighed. “Sometimes I wish I could…” She adjusted the red bow tied around her left ear. “Nice collar by the way.”

Blackstar grinned and displayed the red and gold accessory proudly. “Yep! Found it special at the Leavanny Emporium!”

“Wait, you actually shop?”

“Yes, Stardust. I’m not a complete dolt. I can shop for myself.”

“Well, okay…” she muttered, “That’s not what I meant, but sure…”

Blackstar grinned and extended his paw. “Well, shall we?”

To his surprise, she took it. “Yes, let’s.”

Soon, they stood upon the stage once more. “Hello!” Stardust said.

“Hi!”

“And welcome back.”

Blackstar grinned. “It’s Christmastime! So this is our Christmas and New Year’s Special!”

“And that means even more fun!” Stardust said, “Do you like how everything is nice and decorated? Cicci and her crew did a fantastic job, I think.”

“After she re-did everything ten times…” Blackstar muttered.

“It wasn’t perfect!” the minccino shouted from backstage, “Everything must be in its exact proper place for Christmas, after all.”

“Right,” Stardust said, “Anyway, she did a great job. Now for your doctor’s recommended dose of humor. What’s on the docket for today, Blackstar?”

“Well…” he said with a grin, “I’m sure you all know how many of the evil teams would just love to capture a legendary Pokémon, right? Well, we touched on this before, but this first one might warn them about a certain legendary we all know and love.”

#61: Don’t let Victini tell you a story that begins in the twelfth century.

“Wow! That’s fascinating, Victini!” N smiled at the diminutive Legend. “More scones?”

“Fool!” Victini swung his long cane right under N’s nose. “Provision 337 of my 1000 Provisions for Partnership: Scones are no good. Pasties are much more acceptable.”

“Ah, so you want some pasties then?”

“Fool! Only a peasant eats pasties.”

“But you just said…”

“Fool!”

Ghetsis sat in stoic silence and ground his teeth. All the money and resources spent capturing that miserable little fur-ball had been a complete waste of time. Oh sure, it was entirely possible to harness its limitless energy, but the thing was just so…so…

Annoying!

N smiled at Victini. “It’s going to take me a while to master these provisions of yours, Victini…”

“Then perhaps I could enlighten you with a tale of daring and chivalry?”

“If you wish…”

Victini hopped up onto the nearest table and cleared his throat. Waving his cane in the air and pacing back and forth, he began his tale. “My story begins in the twelfth century. My teenage years were very formative to my eventual character. As my uncle Darkrai always says…”

“Shut up!” Ghetsis snapped, “Shut up you miserable little…did you say ‘uncle’ Darkrai?”

“Fool! Never ask a lawyer to wear a bowling hat!”

“Gah!”

#62: Despite the confusion they cause, pointing out temporal anomalies to Dialga will not win you any favors.

Giratina tried to tune them out, he really did, but Dialga and Palkia just could not be in each other’s presence for more than five minutes without going for each other’s throats. And after the ‘Incident with the Chess game’, they were both even more on edge.

“SHUT UP!” he screeched, “You are both equally insufferable and I despise you! Just shut up!”

They rounded on him. “What do you know?” Dialga scoffed, “Besides, he can’t even keep that fourth wall from breaking every chapter!”

“Oh here we go again! Fortunately, it’s so broken that you can’t do anything to it anymore!”

“Well maybe you should fix it!”

“I did! And then it gets broken again!”

Dialga looked smug. “See? This is why I am superior.”

“Three words,” Palkia said, “Ash Ketchum’s age.”

Immediately, the Lord of Time broke down sobbing.

“Hmm…” Blackstar narrowed his eyes and stared at the screen.

“What is it?” Stardust asked.

“Well, those were funny, but they weren’t, you know, Christmas-y.”

She blinked. “You know, you’re right. Well, let’s see. I think we have a few winter or Christmas related ones lying around somewhere. Hey DJ! Play one or two that fit that criteria, would you?!”

The screen lit up and a new one began playing.

#63: Despite the cultural differences, there is no excuse for bad dubbing.

“Merry Christmas, everybody!” Ash declared.

“Pika!”

“Squirt, Squirtle!”

“Bulbasaur!”

“Merry Christmas, Ash,” Misty replied, “Have you bought me a new bike yet?”

“Uh…” Ash grinned sheepishly, “Oh look! It’s Brock with the food!”

The Pewter City Gym Leader grinned. “Yes, I made your favorite, Ash. Hamburgers.” He plopped down a plate full of stuff that looked almost, but not quite, entirely unlike hamburgers.

Ash grinned and immediately began eating. Misty wasn’t so sure though.

“Um, Brock?”

“Yes?”

“These look suspiciously like rice balls and sushi.”

Brock leaned in close and gave her a blood-curdling glare. “Eat your hamburger, Misty. Our American Overlords demand it.”

#64: Guards that investigate mysterious sounds never survive long.

“What was that?” one Team Rocket Grunt asked, “I’m going to investigate.”

His partner laid a hand on his shoulder. “Look, newbie. We heard nothing, okay?”

“But…but…it was a mysterious noise…”

“Guards who investigate strange noises never make it past their third year,” the second one said through clenched teeth. “We heard nothing. Now eat your hamburger.”

And that is how Ash sneaked past all of Team Rocket’s security on Christmas Eve to deliver a present to Jessie, James, and Meowth. It was a Pikachu plushie. They absolutely loved it and returned the favor by giving him a coupon for a ‘No-Kidnapping Episode!’

“Still not enough for the Christmas special…” Blackstar said, “We need more!”

“Well, we just might have some more there for you,” Stardust said.

“Really? Yay!”

“Stop hugging me please.”

“Sorry…” He grinned sheepishly. “Play the next one?”

“That sounds like a marvelous idea.”

#65: Everyone will be in the Christmas spirit!

Giovanni lay in bed and sighed. Christmas was such an irksome time of year. His level-headed staff all transformed into gibbering idiots. They decorated the base, they made cookies (burnt most of them too), and the scientists put their heads together to reprogram the mind-controlled Pokémon to sing carols!

“In the words of Ebenezer Scrooge,” he said to the darkness in his palatial bedroom, “Bah, humbug.”

Suddenly, he heard clanking chains in the hall. “Giovanniiiiii. Giovanniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!” a mysterious, ethereal voice called, “It is I, your old partner Lorenzo!”

Giovanni sighed. “Don’t tell me, you’re here to introduce three ghosts that will teach me the ‘true meaning of Christmas’ or some rot like that.”

The translucent figure of his old friend appeared in front of him. “No, idiot! You pushed me off a building! I’m haunting you!”

“Ah,” Giovanni said, “Then I’ll just call up that green-hatted plumber with the vacuum cleaner again.”

#66: Ghosts are perfectly logical creatures! Don’t even think otherwise!

“So…I have another question…” Lugia said.

“So long as it does not question my or Mew’s gender, then go ahead and ask,” Mewtwo replied.

“Well, it’s actually for Giratina.”

“Oh…goody,” the god of death drawled.

“So…Christmas as we know it today started as the celebration of the Incarnation of Jesus Christ, right?”

“Correct…”

“And Santa Claus, originally known as Saint Nick, exists in our world too, which implies that there is a connection between the two worlds.”

“Yes. Your point?”

“So why are there ghosts? Wouldn’t the existence of Heaven and Hell rule out the possibility of any wandering spirits?”

“Um…” Giratina racked his brain for an answer. “Oh look, a shiny object.”

Lugia looked around. “Where? I don’t see it.” But Giratina fled to the Reverse World so he wouldn’t have to solve another of the very annoying logical inconsistencies in the world of Pokémon.

“Correction,” Uxie said, “Though it is thought that souls go to Heaven or Hell upon death, it is never confirmed. Therefore, the possibility exists that souls wander for a bit before…”

Very annoying logical inconsistencies.

“That is a false assertion, Rolf.”

STOP RUINING MY JOKE!

In the corner, Palkia was in tears. “Why do I even pretend the fourth wall exists anymore?” he sobbed.

“We really need to stop it with the whole ‘oh look, we broke the fourth wall! Isn’t that hilarious?’ thing,” Stardust said with a sigh, “It’s kind of getting old.”

“But it’s a recurring joke!” Blackstar countered, “When the audience sees it, they remember all the other instances of it and find it all the funnier!”

“Or they get bored and switch to a different channel.”

“There are no other channels! We’re the only show designed solely for Pokémon!”

Stardust glared at him. “Point is, we should lay off it for a bit.”

“But if it’s funny the first time, why not every time?”

“The Rule of Three, Blackstar. Something’s only funny the first three times it happens. It’s a long standing principle of comedy.”

“But…”

“And we’re done here,” Stardust said. She turned and smiled at the audience. “Now, this one is a gift for Mewtwo. Since we don’t want him to murder us at Christmas.”

“And say,” Blackstar said, “if you find all the experiments in your lab destroyed, we had nothing to do with that. Even though we may have not appreciated you sticking Rotom in…” Stardust nudged him. “Ah, right! So, in the spirit of giving, we offer this present to Mewtwo.”

#67: Don’t kick Mewtwo out of Super Smash Brothers

“Hey did you hear?” Pikachu said. He and the other Smasher Pokémon were eating lunch in the cafeteria before the afternoon matches. “They’re letting Mewtwo join the roster again!”

“Heh, well I’ll enjoy the opportunity to bash that smug grin off his face,” Charizard said, “I’ll punch him so hard, he’ll beat the Sandbag in the Home Run Contest!”

“Yeah…” Pikachu said, “I’m just concerned he might go after Lucario. You know, being his replacement and all when the Brawl Tournament started.”

Lucario shrugged. “I’m sure he’s not one to hold a grudge. Besides, technically it was Red who replaced him. I actually replaced Pichu. So I don’t think I have to…” Suddenly, he was enveloped in purple energy, lifted high into the air, and thrown out the nearest window. Mewtwo strode over and sat down.

Pikachu waved. “Sup?”

Mewtwo glanced around the room and frowned. “Hmm. They removed Roy because he was a clone of Marth and then added in a character that is literally just a shiny form of Pit?”

“Yep!” Pikachu said, “But hey, you’re back now, right! I better check on Lucario though…”

“He will survive,” Mewtwo said, “But he will be very wounded.”

Charizard and Pikachu exchanged worried glances. “Um…” Pikachu said, “That’s not good. I think we’ll go sit somewhere else.”

Mewtwo looked puzzled. “And why would you do that?”

A giant blue aura sphere tore the wall apart. Lucario strode in, a column of flaming aura surrounding him. He pointed at Mewtwo and growled in a deep, threatening voice. “You threw me through the window…”

The psychic Legend turned back to face Pikachu. “Never fear, I have a plan.”

“HE’S GOT 999% DAMAGE!” Pikachu screamed, “EVERYBODY RUN!”

“Ah,” Mewtwo said, “I see you’ve already grasped the concept of my plan. Yes, let’s run.”

“Yes indeed! In case you didn’t know, Mewtwo is back in Smash!” Blackstar declared.

“And we heard a certain Jigglypuff left because she didn’t want him finding her. After she drew on his face and all,” Stardust added.

In the booth, Mewtwo clenched his fists. “So that’s where the little devil was hiding all this time…”

“This next one is for Mew,” Stardust said, “It’s…particularly suited to his unique personality.”

#98: Impersonating Santa Claus is not a good idea.

Professor Oak woke up with a start. Someone was downstairs in the lab! Normally, he would have assumed that it was one of his assistants or his grandson, but years of experience with Team Rocket had taught him to take no chances. He grabbed the nearest weapon, a very heavy research notebook, and crept downstairs.

There was a man there, dressed in red with a big bag over his shoulder, and he was rifling through the lab looking for something! Oak gulped, took a deep breath, and charged. He struck the man over the head with the notebook as hard as he could. The intruder crumpled and shrank, transforming until…

“Mew?!” Oak said in astonishment.

“Hi Professor…” Mew said, rubbing his head, “Ow…that hurt…”

“Why are you here?”

“I was looking for free cookies…”

“You were taken down by an old man with a book?” Mewtwo said in disbelief.

Mew shrugged. “Well, the pen is mightier than the sword…or so my fortune cookie told me.”

“And now for the last two before commercial break!” Blackstar said with a grin.

“Don’t worry, they are funny,” Stardust said, “And they apply to anyone anywhere too. Not just Pokémon. So enjoy!”

#69: Don’t be alone on Christmas!

Red sighed and sat down. Mt. Silver sure was cold this time of year, but after the whole ‘Giratina in Cerulean City’ fiasco, he really didn’t feel like showing his face down in Kanto. Oh well, at least he had his Pokémon. And a lot of time to think…

“Greetings, mortal!” a childish voice said from beside him.

“Gah!” Red fell over in surprise, “J-Jirachi? What are you doing here?”

She giggled. “I’ve come to grant you Christmas wish of course! Now, what do you wish for on Christmas?”

Red thought about it. “I want to be the very best, like no one ever was!”

“You already are.”

“Oh,” Red said, “In that case, could you make everyone forget about how I accidently caused the destruction of half of Cerulean City so I can go to the Christmas party at Oak’s lab?”

“Sure thing!”

#70: Love those around you!

Red was glad he was able to go to the party. Everyone was there. Professor Oak, Blue, Green, and even Yellow. Many more besides, including the entire population of Pallet Town. He smiled. Tonight was going to be great and he had a surprise for Yellow.

He pulled her aside halfway through the party to tell her something very important…

Red used ‘Ask on a Date’!

It’s super effective!

Yellow fainted…

“And now for something completely different!” Blackstar said cheerfully.

“Commercials!” Stardust said, “But first, I have a present for you, Blackstar.”

The umbreon grinned. “Ooh! Ooh! Did you get it from Mad Scientist weekly?”

“Um…as a matter of fact, yes…” Her eyes glowed for a second and a box floated through the air onto the stage. “Go ahead and open it.”

He tore into the packaging and pulled out a large set of tools, all specially crafted for a quadruped to use. “Awesome! Now I can make all sorts of stuff!” Suddenly, an idea occurred to him, “Hey! We can make that a section of the show! ‘Mad Science’ with Blackstar!”

“Sure…” Stardust said, very unsurely.

“Oh! Speaking of science, I made you something,” Blackstar said, “Let me go get it!” He darted offstage and came back with a present in his jaws.

“Why thank you,” Stardust said with a smile. One use of psychic powers later and a strange metal contraption lay on the ground. “Er, what is it?”

“A Universal Mute Button!” Blackstar said proudly, “Now, whenever something annoys you, you can just mute it!”

“That’s…does it actually work?”

“Yep!” Blackstar’s grin widened, “I tested it! It was a bit difficult with all the extra calculations I had to do in order to localize the mute-field to only what you wanted, but in the end I just used a few differentials and some logarithms in the programming to-mmmph!”

Stardust grinned and took her paw off the button. “What a marvelous gift! I’m sure I’ll use it all the time!”

“Mmph! Mph!”

She turned to the audience. “We’ll be right back after these commercials! Merry Christmas everyone!”