Episode 3, Part 2: The Portent

“Are we live now?”

“Yes!” the computer said excitedly, “Good job guessing the password.”

“Well gee, thanks you good-for-nothing computer!”

“Um, Stardust?” Blackstar called.

“WHAT!?”

“Let’s just get on with the show as best we can. Okay?” He smiled at the camera. “Our technical difficulties are still rampant. We apologize for the inconvenience. Here’s your dose of humor for the day!”

“Roll the clip!” Stardust ordered.

#51: Anyone discussing politics will be beaten over the head with the nearest streetlamp.

A single zoroark stood in a spotlight with a big, toothy smile on his face. Dramatic music played in the background. “Arceus lied to you. He’s a kleptomaniac. He probably eats children. He’s a supporter of big business. Um…he likes Nazis? So vote for Darkrai, 2014! A true believer in individual rights and definitely not an eater of souls!”

The Lord of Nightmares stared blankly at his subordinate. “And what was that supposed to be?”

“A new campaign commercial for the upcoming deity elections?”

“The universe is a monarchy, you moron!”

#52: No more Eevee puns.

“So…” Gold said, “What do you get if you teach an Eevee to sing?”

Silver glared at him. “I don’t know and I don’t care.”

“Aw come on…” Gold pled.

“…Fine.”

“A CelineDeon!”

#53: Profiteering off of your position on the Legendary Council is strictly not allowed.

Hello! Do you suffer from low self-esteem? Is the anxiety of evolution becoming a major source of stress? Well worry no longer, for I, the marvelous Mesprit, am here to help you overcome all your emotional turmoil!

Along with my partners, Azelf and Uxie, I stand behind all the bidoofs, the ratattas, the magikarps, and other poor, downtrodden Pokémon of the world! Come, our doors are open!

Uxie: On Monday, nine to five. Also, emotion-counterpart forgot exorbitant fee she charges. Convenient for commercial. Not so for buyer.

Mesprit: (gasp) Uxie! I gave you the script for a reason! And don’t say you forgot it already!

Uxie: Apologies.

Azelf: Huh. What does an ‘adjustable rate loan’ mean anyway?

Uxie: Means more money can be extracted than what might at first seem.

Mesprit: Uh, that’s all for today! You can stop filming now, Shaymin!

Azelf: And while we’re at it, I don’t think ‘your eternal servitude’ is really a reasonable price to…

(Static)

The computer giggled. “I liked that one!”

“You did?” Stardust said.

“Yep! I’ll have to take some notes for my own endeavors.”

Blackstar’s eyes narrowed. “Wait a second…I know that voice. Rotom! Are you inside the computer system?!”

“Uh…no…definitely not. You’re imagining things…”

“Riiiiiiight,” Blackstar said, “You know, I believe it’s time for a good old fashioned exorcism. Will someone grab me some water and a priest?”

“You’re going to put water on the computer?!” Stardust shouted.

“Well…” the computer said, “it would get rid of me…er, Rotom, if he happened to be in your computer. But it would also fry the entire thing.” The computer paused. “And it would really hurt…”

“Good. We understand each other.” Blackstar smiled in the way that only Dark-types can. “Now be a good processor and play the next few clips.”

The computer made a sound like clearing its throat. “Yes boss!”

#54: When parodying other fandoms using Pokémon…do so at your own risk.

“Ganondork!” a green-hatted lucario snapped. A blue blade of aura shone in his paw.

“Ah, the hero of time,” an armored emboar replied, “how good of you to drop in.” He glanced up at a hole in the ceiling. “Literally.”

“Set Princess Zelda free!”

“Ah, the princess. Yes. She was so brave, wasn’t she? Even in her…” The giant pig grinned. “Final moments.”

‘Link’ noticed a mysterious chest sitting behind ‘Ganondorf’. “What’s in the chest?” he demanded. The emboar’s grin widened. “What’s in the…”

Suddenly, the wall blew apart and a dewott stepped in wielding a small stick. “Valdemort!” he called, “Where are you?”

The lucario and emboar exchanged glances. “Who…are you?” Ganondorf asked.

“And why are you wearing glasses?” Link added.

The dewott blinked. “I’m Harry Otter. This isn’t Valdemort’s lair, is it?”

“No. It’s mine.”

“Oh, sorry,” the dewott said, “Evil lairs all look alike these days…”

“No, no, I understand,” the emboar replied, “But if you don’t mind, we were in the middle of something.”

“Oh that’s fine. I’ll just show myself out. Good day.”

“Bye!” the lucario and emboar chorused. There was a pause.

“Well he seemed nice,” the lucario muttered, “Anyway, DIE!”

“Hmph! You first, hero!”

#55: If you give a Meowth a Pikachu…

…He’ll get a promotion.

If he gets a promotion, he’ll spend the money on food.

When he spends the money on food, he’ll get fat.

When he gets fat, he has a heart attack.

When he has a heart attack, he’s rushed to the hospital.

When he’s rushed to the hospital, Gary Oak can’t get an appointment for his raticate that you fainted.

When he can’t get an appointment, his raticate dies.

When his raticate dies, you feel bad.

Don’t feel bad. Don’t give a Meowth a Pikachu.

#56: Similar to the furries, Were-mon will be hunted down mercilessly.

Red looked deep into Yellow’s eyes. “I’ve got something to tell you.”

She blushed and smiled. “Um, what’s that?”

“I’m not like other boys…”

“Well… you are the champion…”

“Uh, right. That’s not what I meant though.” Red looked up at the night sky. “As soon as the full moon comes out…then you’ll know.”

Yellow smiled nervously. “Um…you know the forecast is for cloudy skies all night and torrential rainstorms tomorrow, right?”

“…dang it. Turning into a pikachu is so cool though…”

#57: Pokémon acting as trainers is cool, but it’ll never happen.

“He’s a Pokémon, I tell you! A wild Pokémon! He’ll kill us all!”

“Alright sir,” the security guard said with a firm smile, “I think you’ve had a little too much tonight, don’t you?”

“I’m not drunk! And I’m not crazy!”

“Ursa Ursaring.”

“See?! SEE?! He just talked in Poke-speak!”

“My dear sir,” a nearby businessman scoffed, “Professor Bearington is a respected member of the faculty down at Goldenrod University and a world-renowned Poke-linguist! Besides, he clearly just asked if you were feeling alright.”

“He’s an URSARING I tell you!”

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to come with me,” the guard said, “We can sit you down, maybe get you a glass of whiskey to calm your nerves, and you can just relax for a bit, hmm?”

The businessman sighed and turned to Prof. Bearington. “My apologies for my guest. Don’t know what got into him. I do hope you are enjoying the party?”

“Ursa.”

“Ah yes! Excellent suggestion! We do indeed need some music. Now, sit down and tell me how you’ve been.”

“You know,” Blackstar said, “I heard a story of a primape who tried that. Ended up in a zoo, but…”

“Mommy, what’s a zoo?” a kid in the audience asked.

“A place you don’t want to go, dear.”

Blackstar cleared his throat and gave the speaker a pointed glare. “Anyway…Oh Rotom~ Play the next clip or I will Dark Pulse your butt into the middle of the next century~”

“I better get paid extra for this…” Rotom grumbled, “Playing.”

#58: Teirno dance moves ain’t got nothing on this guy!

“Wow, Teirno!” Shauna said enthusiastically, “You’re getting pretty good at this dancing thing!”

“You think so?” he said, pleased.

“Yep! You might even be the world’s greatest dancer!”

Suddenly, a lively disco theme began to play. The door burst inwards and three ludicolos danced in, perfectly in time with the music. “The world’s greatest dancer?!” an indignant voice called, “No, no, no! This will never do! They have forgotten me, yes! They have forgotten the great Miror B.!”

“What in the…?” Shauna said. An…eccentrically dressed man with a huge red and white afro moon-walked into the room, whirled around, and grinned down at them. “And you are?” she said.

“I’m Miror B.” the man replied, “And I’m Pokémon’s King of Dance!”

“And why are you here?”

“Well,” he said, “With Gen Three being remade and all, I just couldn’t stay away.”

“I’m sorry, what’s Gen Three?” Teirno asked.

“Aw, sixth gen kids are so cute,” Miror B. chuckled, “Don’t realize they’re in a game yet.”

The fourth wall shattered (again) and the infuriated roar of Palkia echoed through the universe. “THAT’S IT! I’M GETTING AN INSURANCE POLICY ON THAT THING! DAKRAI! FIND ME AN INSURANCE SALESMAN!”

#59: Don’t prank Mewtwo.

Mewtwo woke up slowly. His head felt like it had been hit with a sledgehammer. Or Groudon’s tail. It pretty much amounted to the same thing. 

He sat up gingerly and froze. This was Mew’s ‘Playroom’. Toys of all sizes and descriptions lay scattered about haphazardly. There the little pest was too, sleeping curled up with his tail wrapped around his ears. How he ever managed to fall asleep like that was a mystery.

Then he saw his reflection in the mirror. His screech of horror not only woke Mew up but made him fly directly into the roof.

“What?! What?! What?!” Mew called, “Team Rocket?! Where?” He blinked. “Um…what are you doing in my room and why is there stuff drawn all over your face?”

Mewtwo clenched his fist angrily and glared at his reflection. “Original, I shall be gone for today. I have a certain jigglypuff to destroy.”

“I hate that Pokémon…” Mewtwo growled, “After I tracked her down, she just put me to sleep again. Only that time I woke up in the middle of an anime convention.”

Mew’s eyes went wide. “How did you ever escape?”

“I told them Edward Elric and Col. Roy Mustang were down in the East Wing.”

“And for our last one for the night, we have a very special one!” Blackstar said, “Oh yes…very special.” He grinned. “Hit it, Rotom! Or you get blasted!”

Rotom sighed. “My like sucks…”

#60: Not all story ideas are good.

After an epic, final showdown, Cresselia finally sent Darkrai’s forces fleeing. His fortress destroyed, armies scattered, and power fading, the King of Nightmares fled through the nearest portal. Cresselia pursued him. But somehow, through a twist of fate, they ended up in a place they didn’t expect.

Darkrai examined his new human body in bewilderment. “Huh. Italian suit. Nice.”

“Darkrai!” a voice called from behind him. He turned and saw a woman dressed in a…ridiculous frilly dress.  She charged him. “I don’t know where we are or why you brought us to a place where we have no power, but I am here to…”  

She tripped on her dress and fell flat on her face.

“Ow…”

Darkrai grinned. “Well, this will be fun then.” He extended his hand. “Die! HAHAHAAHA…ha?”

Nothing happened.

“Well, time to do this the old fashioned way then…”

Shortly thereafter, the New York police arrested them both for causing a public disturbance. In other words, they were hitting each other a lot. They were eventually released and Cresselia went on to be a respected psychologist. Darkrai, however, still tried to be a villain and ended up in the bottom of the Hudson after he tried to intimidate the wrong mob boss. His dying words were, “I hate spin-offs…”

In the eastern part of Kanto, there is a place. A place where even the bravest souls fear to tread. It is called Pokémon Tower and it is where the spirits of the dead still float/walk/levitate in the form of Ghost Pokémon. The Big Boss of Pokémon Tower is a gengar, a gengar named Wraith, who was currently fuming as he watched the closing ceremonies for the latest episode of 200 Things NOT to do in Pokémon.

“I hate lucarios. I hate overpowered humans. And I HATE this show!” he grumbled.

“I think it’s funny…” a haunter muttered.

“Shut up!” Wraith hit him with a Shadow Ball. “See how they disrespect my boy Rotom? It’s not right, I tell you! Something needs to be done and we’re going to do it! Stardust and Blackstar will rue the day they ever crossed Wraith!”

“So…what are we going to do, Boss?”

Wraith grinned. “Well…I’m glad you asked…”