Episode 3, Part 1: Mewtwo’s Dastardly Scheme!

“Where’s my brush! I can’t find it anywhere! BLACKSTAR! DID YOU TAKE MY BRUSH?!”

From down the hall, the Umbreon shouted back. “No, Stardust, I didn’t! Did you check under your pillows?!”

“Yes!”

“Well…how about the closet?!”

“Yes, Blackstar! I’m not an idiot!”

“Debatable!”

One of the bottles in Blackstar’s room suddenly levitated and smacked him in the head. “Ow!” he protested.

“Serves you right! Now, can I borrow your brush?”

Blackstar sighed. “Fine…” He grabbed it in his jaws and took it over to her. She immediately plucked it out of his grip with her mind and began running it through her fur. Blackstar stood in the doorway, fidgeting awkwardly. Suddenly, she looked his way.

“Were you just going to stand there and watch me brush my fur?” she asked with deceptive sweetness.

Blackstar grinned sheepishly. “Well…if you wanted me to…”

“Get out!”

“Yes ma’am!”

Mew and Mewtwo once more sat in their booth. “So…what’d you do this last weekend, Twosie?”

The larger psychic glared venomously. “I cannot begin to describe how I loathe that nickname…” He cleared his throat. “And to answer your question, you’ll find out.”

Mew blinked. “What’s that supposed to mean?” His cloned brother did not reply, but a very satisfied smirk crossed his face.

The show music shortly began. Blackstar and Stardust ascended out of the stage dramatically as the audience cheered. Mew noted with a happy grin that the room was much fuller than it had been on the first episode.

“Hmm…” Blackstar frowned and looked down at the stage. “That entrance is getting kind of old. Let’s do something more exciting next time.”

“Like what?” Stardust asked.

Blackstar shrugged. “Oh, I don’t know. Cannons, fireworks, explosives of all kinds. I’m really not picky.”

“We can…talk about it later,” Stardust said.

“But whenever you say that, we never do…”

“We’ll talk about it later!” she repeated, “Now let’s start the show!”

“But…”

“Anyway.” Stardust cut him off. “We apologize for not broadcasting last week. Mew saved us from being squashed beneath Lord Dialga’s feet, but in exchange we were frozen in time for the week.”

“Can we talk about the entrance now?”

“No.”

“But it’s later and…”

“ROLL THE FIRST CLIP!” Stardust ordered. They waited expectantly. Nothing happened. They waited some more. Nothing continued happening. “I said, roll the first clip!” Stardust repeated. Nothing decided that it had found a nice place to stay and rented a condo with options to purchase at a future date. Stardust turned to Blackstar. “Why isn’t anything happening?”

The umbreon shrugged nervously. “I don’t know?”

Stardust turned to the audience, a strained smile plastered on her face. “One second, we appear to be experiencing technical difficulties…stay here, Blackstar, and keep them entertained while I go see what’s wrong.” She dashed off the stage with speed that a sneasel would be proud of.

Blackstar stared at the audience with wide eyes. They looked back expectantly. “Speeeeeech!” a particularly loud Pokémon called.

He gulped. “Thank you, weird purple-black mutated Snivy-thing! Um, well, I just discovered what stage-fright is and I don’t like it!” he declared, “So…anyone heard the one about the oddish and the lopunny?”

Stardust burst into the control booth, eyes flaming. “DJ! Marbles!” she shouted at the charmeleon and togetic who were frantically pressing buttons and flipping switches, “What are you two doing back here?! We need that video pronto!”

The pair turned around with frightened expressions. “Um…well see the thing is…” the togetic began, “There’s this sort of virus thingy and it’s blocking our controls…”

“It keeps saying we have to solve its puzzles before it will let us play anything…” the charmeleon muttered.

“Puzzles, eh?” Stardust said grimly, “Stand aside! This calls for my amazing intellect.”

“What about Blackstar?” the togetic asked.

Stardust fixed her in place with a glare. “Marbles, Blackstar is a big kit now. I’m sure he can take care of himself.”

“…and that’s how I ended up becoming the rain god of a small, tropical island!” Blackstar finished. Stardust’s face appeared on the screen behind him. “Oh hey! Stardust! What’s up?”

“Blackstar, some moron hacked the system.”

“Uh-huh.”

“It won’t let us play the clips unless I answer its riddles.”

“Hmm…interesting.”

“So you’re hosting the show alone this time.”

“Ah, I see…wait, what?!”

“You heard me,” Stardust said with a smirk, “Have fun~” The screen switched off.

“Wonderful…” he said, “Well, let’s hope she can figure out the riddles…” The screen switched on again and began playing. “Oh hey! She did it. Maybe she’ll come back now…”

#41: Even if it is to keep them from tearing each other’s throats out, inviting all the Legends to a barbeque is strictly forbidden.

“So…what’s in the burgers?” Mew asked, taking a very large bite.

Yveltal grinned. “Deadly poison! It will eat your insides and kill you slowly over the course of several days! The agony will consume you until there is nothing left!”

Mew chewed this over, and then took another bite. “Cool. I’ll take two.” He turned to the crowd. “Someone pass me a Pecha Berry!”

“Hey Mew-kun!” Celebi called, “Care to try my secret recipe?”

“Better hope it isn’t spiked this time…” Latios muttered.

Latias spat out her drink. “WHAT?! SPIKED?! She would DO that?”

“Well sure,” Latios answered, “How do you think Mew got ahold of fermented Iappapa Juice a few months ago?”

#42: Don’t let a jolteon hug you.

Sometime in the distant future, a lucario and a jolteon sat in a room together. “My life is over, Bolt…” the lucario muttered.

“Aw, don’t say that Keski!”

“But it is! Everything I ever did is-” The jolteon’s eyes glazed over. “-angst, and I angst, angst, angst, angst, ang- are you even listening to me?!”

Bolt suddenly leapt onto Keski’s back, wrapping his arms around the lucario’s neck. “Someone needs a hug!”

ZZZZZAP!

“Ow….”

“Oops…sorry!”

#43: Don’t tick off Charizard…

“RRRROOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!!!!”

“Boy,” Squirtle said, running alongside the rest of Ash’s old team, “For a guy who just lazes about all day, Charizard sure is scary!”

“This is all your fault,” Bulbasaur said with a glare.

“My fault?! I just wanted him to actually fight for once!”

“Well congratulations!” Pikachu said, “He’s now pretty intent on murdering us!”

“What did you even say to him?” Bulbasaur asked.

“Um…” Squirtle grinned nervously. A flamethrower attack whizzed over their heads. “You don’t want to know…”

                                                 *        *        *

The screen turned off. Stardust sighed and went over to the controls. “Okay, what now?” she asked.

“A new riddle is required to continue. Would you like to guess?”

“Yes,” she said in annoyance, “What is it?”

“You have three paths through the forest, each guarded by a man with a spear. One always lies, one always tells the truth, and one stabs people who ask tricky questions. How do you figure out which way is correct?”

“Simple,” Stardust said, “Ask multiple, simple questions.”

“That is incorre-”

“You didn’t say I could only ask on question!” she countered.

“…fine…that is correct. Now playing the next three.”

#44: Don’t let Cave Johnson buy Silph Co.

“HA! You think Mewtwo is ‘da bomb’?! Well, I’ll tell you what you lab-boys are going to do. You’re going to make me Mews three, five, and seven! …I see a hand raised. This isn’t a press conference, put it down! Oh, alright. What’s your question.”

A scientist rose nervously. “Er, Mr. Johnson, what about four and six?”

The eccentric businessman stared at him. He turned around slowly. “Karen! They found out about the classified project already! Let’s cancel it and go with that Genetic-Disk operating thingie instead!”

#45: Neither is Professor Oak’s lab a secret entrance to Aperture Science.

A nameless lucario slammed his fist down on the red button. A door slid open and he ducked through, avoiding machine-gun bullets spraying behind him. “You know, I can just jump the gaps!” he shouted at the ceiling, “This Portal Gun thing is completely unnecessary! And why are things shooting at me? I thought this was supposed to be a scientific test!”

“Yes. You are correct,” the computerized, female voice of GLADos answered, “But death is a very scientific thing. Not that you’re supposed to die, although at the current rate at which your trainer is catching Pokémon we don’t really need you either.”

“Can I take a break?”

“No. Exercise is good for you. Please, show some gratitude for what we’re trying to do here.”

“Kill me?”

“You seem to have a particularly negative outlook. I like that. Well…I didn’t want to tell you this right away, but if you finish these tests…there might be some cake for you. And a party. With all your friends. Let’s see, that would be…well, it’s a very short list, isn’t it?”

“Hey!” The lucario threw down the portal gun. “That’s it! I’ve had enough of this! I’m coming to get you!”

“I’m afraid that won’t be possible.” A green cloud seeped in from the vents. “Sorry about this, but after the last two times I really can’t let revenge-crazed life-forms run around my facility.”

The lucario blinked, unimpressed. “I’m a steel type. I’m immune to poison.”

There was a long silence.

“Well,” GLADos said, “as long as I don’t end up in a potato this time…”

                                         *        *        *

Blackstar stared up at the once again blank screen. “Huh, they’re should have been another one there…STARDUST! WHERE’S THE NEXT ONE?!”

Mew looked over at his brother. “Twosie…what are you doing?”

The clone smirked. “Well, I am indulging my own unique sense of humor.”

“This isn’t very funny…”

“Neither was dropping a giant pie on me.”

“Fair point.”

“To play the next video, Blackstar,” the computer said through the speakers, “You will need to perform a song praising the great Mewtwo.”

A look of terror crossed Blackstar’s face. “I can’t sing…” he protested.

“Then you are in quite the dilemma, aren’t you?” the computer responded.

“Alright, fine!” Blackstar cleared his throat and, in a very bad voice, sang, “Oh Mewtwo, Oh Mewtwo, you are the best! I tell you, I tell you, above all the rest! With a mind like a trap, from which none escape, Oh Mewtwo, Oh Mewtwo, you are the best!”

“And,” the same Snivy from before shouted, “Blackstar! To keep evil at bay, take a gray stray of hay and slay your prey this day in a fray, I say!” He threw a piece of straw painted grey at the stage.

“Ooookay…” Blackstar said. He eyed the snivy suspiciously. “Um…security? Crazy snivy on aisle four!”

“We don’t have any,” the computer said, “Playing next clip.”

#46: Don’t make Robo-Pokémon.

Red trudged along wearily. It had been a long day. Reporters everywhere, fans chasing him, and Blue had shown up one to challenge him to yet another rival battle. Seriously, the guy was uncanny! He knew exactly the worst possible time for a battle and chose it anyway! What a jerk.

“Pika?” his faithful Pokémon said. He looked up and saw very impressive looking machoke with dark sunglasses levelling an oversized rifle at him.

“John Conner?” it asked in a very deep, if slightly mechanical, voice.

“Um, no. My name is Red…I don’t know a John Conner…”

“Red,” the machoke repeated. It raised the gun and swiveled around sharply. “I’ll be back…”

Red watched him go. “Wow. Maybe if I talked in a weird accent, I’d be cooler too!”

                                         *        *        *

“Game Over!” the computer declared, “Continue?”

“Huh, I didn’t know this was a video game. Waitasec! I know what’s going on!” Blackstar stared at the blank screen. “Someone’s hacked the computer system!”

“No, really?” Stardust’s voice said.

“Oh, well, in that case, we should find out who hacked it.”

“Well isn’t it obvious?” she replied.

Blackstar’s ears drooped at her tone. “Er…not to me?”

“Mewtwo did it, you idiot!”

“Oh.” Blackstar blinked. To the computer, he said. “Um, Continue?”

“That will be 10,000 points please. Or you can pay in Poke-dollars!”

“We’ll pay later,” Stardust said icily, “Play the next clips!”

“Playing.”

#47: Kill ALL the furries!

“That’s the last of them!” Gold called as his typhlosion fried one of Team Rocket’s very-disposable grunts.

“Ugh, finally,” Silver said gruffly, “Perhaps they will stay gone this time, or is that too much to ask for?”

Crystal shook her head. “Who knows? But for now, let’s just focus on figuring out what was in this lab…”

Gold approached a nearby control panel. “Hmm…when in doubt, press random buttons!” He promptly slammed both hands down right in the center of a keyboard. Alarms went off everywhere.

“Warning: Subject 1-A-Choo-Choo-Train has been released.”

“Gold, you moron!” Silver snapped. In the corner, a glass canister slid open, revealing…

“Hi!” the…creature said, “I’m Vee! I’m a human-eevee morph and I…”

Silver’s eyes narrowed. “Oh wonderful. We’ve wandered into that side of the internet again…”

#48: Don’t be a stupid bad-guy.

“Hold it right there, Red!”

“Pika, Thunderbolt.”

“ARRRRGH!!!!! Ugh….”

“Hey, you! Stop!”

“Charizard, flamethrower.”

“ROOOAAAR!”

“…oh Arceus…NOOO AAAAAAH! IT BURNS!!!!!”

“Blast!” Giovanni cursed. His eyes tracked the Pokémon League Champion’s progress on the security cameras. “Apparently, having our weakest members fight first is not working well. Send the next strongest ones!”

“Um sir?” one of his advisors piped up, “I don’t mean to sound rude, but wouldn’t it make more sense to send our strongest ones to stop him now? Before he devastates ninety percent of our forces?”

Giovanni ground his teeth. “Normally, I would agree, but ever since the grunts formed that union…”

“What about our giant super-weapon then?”

The boss gave the man a very chilling glare. “Are you seriously suggesting I fire my Doomsday Device before the hero can be there to witness it?! Come now, where is your sense of dramatic tension? Don’t you know how these things are done?!”

“But…then he wouldn’t be able to stop you…”

“Eh, rules of the game.” Giovanni leaned back and crossed his legs. “Now someone start playing some dramatic music so I’m more imposing when he arrives.”

#49: Giving Mew coffee is never a good idea…

“Whee!”

“Double whee!”

“Triple WHEEEEEE!”

Latios looked around in bewilderment. Giant cakes were everywhere. Cookies were raining from the sky. Ice cream floated in the canals. The trees were all sugar-coated. Alto-Mare had been transformed into a sweet-lover’s paradise.

He shook his head. Only one person could be the cause of this. “MEW!!!! GET OVER HERE THIS INSTANT!!!!!”

Five creatures zipped over towards him. He stared, a look of horror crossing his face. “Mew…why are there five of you?”

“Latias gave me coffee!” one said.

“And I developed a severe case of split personality!”

“I’m Chaos!”

“I’m Impulse!”

“I’m Charity!”

“I’m Logic!”

“And I’m Kleptomania!”

Latios slapped a paw to his forehead. “That’s it! I don’t care if Mewtwo is dating Deoxys, this is the last time we are babysitting you!”

                                   *        *        *

“Speaking of coffee…” Mew said. He rose to leave.

Mewtwo’s eyes glowed and he forcibly restrained him. “No.”

“But…”

“No!”

Mew pouted and he sat back down. After a moment, he looked back over at Mewtwo. “Twosie…were you dating Deoxys?”

“No. That was just an excuse. I was actually doing something…else.”

Mew leaned forward eagerly. “Is it a secret! I want to know! Tell me!”

“World Domination.”

“Oh, that again?” Mew leaned back and shrugged. “You know, we need to find you a better hobby…”

“Shut up…”

“And for our last one before commercials…” Blackstar said, “I have prepared another special machine…” He gave a signal and Plus and Minus wheeled on a trolley covered by a sheet. “Thanks! Anyway…” Blackstar grinned as the lights dimmed slightly. “Behold my genius creation!” He whipped away the sheet. “The AWESOMINATOR!”

“What?” Stardust said over the speakers.

“Well…I think this last one is lame, so the AWESOMINATOR will spruce it up a bit!”

“Ugh, fine. Can’t make things worse.” Stardust sighed loudly. “Play the next clip!”

“Error 404: Video not found. Try again later.”

Blackstar flicked his machine on and a truly awesome rainbow-colored beam struck the screen. The computer muttered garbled gibberish for a few seconds, and then explosions enveloped the screen as the clip began to play.

#50: Don’t lead kids down the path of evil.

Youngster Joey was writing a thank you letter for a homework assignment.

“Dear Prof. Oak,

            Thank you for coming into class and teaching us today. Your advice was really helpful and…”

A flicker of energy flashed across the scene.

“…and when I become the overlord of the entire world, I promise not to enslave you! Scratch that, I will be supreme overlord of the entire world! My bug-armies will rule everything! But you will live in my 200 story palace on a throne of diamond-encrusted gold, silver, and platinum!

Thanks again for teaching us about the local ecosystem! You’re more awesome than a talking Meowth in a tuxedo made out of bacon riding on a cyborg rapidash with candy instead of fire and a lightsaber for a horn standing on the top of Mt. Coronet! In case you didn’t know, that’s pretty awesome.

My bugs will rule the world! That fool Red will never see it coming! He will see the power of shorts! I love shorts! They are comfy and easy to wear! AHAHAHAHAAHAAHAA!!! Ha!”

                                        *        *        * 

The machine sparked and smoked. “Uh-oh…” Blackstar said, “Take cover!” He leaped away as it exploded, albeit awesomely, filling the room with black smoke. “Noooooo! My prized creation!”

Stardust sighed heavily over the speakers. “We’ll be right back after these commercials…”