To Bid a Goodbye

"Hi mom..."

"Oh, Taehyun? You just came home?" my mom greeted me with a kiss on the cheek while she's drinking her tea in the early morning in our garden. "Did you cry? Come here baby, what happened?"

I hugged her, for the first time, genuinely coming from me. "I think... I made a mistake again," I confessed and cry. "M-mom... I feel like I'm such a bad person."

"You're not Taehyun... You are not, okay? Baby, tell mom what happened," she consoles me while rubbing my back. "It'll be fine, Taehyun. You're such a nice person..."

"I'm not... I'm not even the Taehyun that you raised," I countered that made her stop from doing her motion. "You know it, right? You know who I am."

"You're Kang Taehyun, my son," she stated and hugs me tightly. "I don't care what happened in the past. I already choose to forget what happened before. T-Taehyun... Just be with mom."

I made a space between us, she's smiling at me. Why? Why is she still smiling at me after confirming everything just now? She brushes my tears and chuckles.

"Everything happened in the past. Whatever you behave right now, I'll accept you. I don't know what really happened, who really you are or where the Kang Taehyun that I knew before—just stay with me," she stated while bitterly smiling, tears on the corner of her eyes.

"H-how? How can I stay with you? I need to find my own mom..."

"I'll help you," she offered that made me surprise. "But... go home with us. Your home is with us, Taehyun. Please? Can you do me a favor?"

I look down and think things carefully this time before meeting her eyes again. "I'll try... I'll try," I repeated and she hugs me again.

"I don't want to lose another son, Taehyun... I don't want to live in agony once more."

When I reached my room, I've been staring at my phone for the past hour now and I don't even know what I should do. I wanted to stay earlier, I really do but he keep on pushing me away until Soobin hyung came and told me to just rest and he'll handle hyung.

I know it hurts him how halmeoni died right after his birthday or maybe because he doesn't have any single idea but was it okay that he lashed his anger on me?

Did I just mess up once again?

I just let things happened. I know I can do something to help him but I didn't because I don't want to interfere once more with Deity's plan. So why do I feel anxious?

I keep on messaging Soobin hyung for updates and gladly he's telling me what's happening in there. After a day, they are already having her funeral.

With my formal suit, I went inside the room. There were quite a lot of people. I took a seat at the far back. Beomgyu hyung was in front, kneeling and crying, while Soobin hyung was the one who accompany the relatives.

If this happened five years ago, will Beomgyu hyung supposed to be fine right now? If Deity didn't let Beomgyu wished that way, what was us supposed to be right now? Friends? Strangers? Couple? I'm not sure.

Maybe things really worked for our own accord. Maybe things should really happen at their right time.

"Taehyun?"

"Soobin hyung," I replied and he sighs before sitting in front of me.

"Why are you here? Beomgyu will throw a fit if he sees you," he said.

"I made a promise to halmeoni," I just replied. "Don't tell him yet that I'm here," I asked a favor.

"Alright... Just don't cause a scene, okay? I'll just distribute some porridge," he said before taking a stand and did his things.

Couple of hours had passed and Beomgyu hyung is still staring at halmeoni's portrait with dozens of flowers surrounding it. Time by time, people started to flee because it's already night. Soobin hyung also went out for a second because of a call. Now there's only me and hyung in a short distance.

I saw him stand after a long time and we turn around, our eyes meet. He looks so devastated. His eyes are swollen, there are dark circles underneath, and his lips are chopped and dry.

"Why are you here?" he speaks with his dry voice.

"Because of halmeoni," I answered.

He scoffs, "For what? To mock me? Is this funny to you? Huh Kang Taehyun!?" his voice raised that echoed in the empty room. "You probably know what's happening, right? And what was about to happened?"

"It's not like—"

"Then why!? Why didn't you tell me right away that- t-that she's going to die? Why!?" he shouted, his jaw clenched and cries.

I keep my silence while still sitting on the table. He walk towards me like a lifeless creature and I take a stand to meet him face on. "Hyung—"

"Stop calling me!" he shouted. "You... You probably already know me from the start, right? How was it? Seeing me dumbfounded and struggling by what you did five years ago? Was it fun? Did you have fun!?"

"Beomgyu hyung, please..."

"Shut your mouth!" he sobs and pushed my left shoulder. "How can you ruin me like this again, Taehyun?"

Again...

"H-how can you appear in my life again a-and act as if some kind of a hope then leave me devastated? Huh? H-how can you walk in my life as if you didn't leave me alone?" he ranted.

He continued, "You died... You already died so why are you here? I-I'm more grateful if you didn't told me that you're than Taehyun. You should have just stayed as the new Taehyun and deceived me. You should have just..." he sobs harder. "You should have just played along, Taehyun."

"I never intended to deceive you, hyung. I never wanted to—"

"Then why!?" he yelled. "Even before, Taehyun. You knew a lot about me but you never tell me anything about you. Just how many lies you have come up with when we're together?"

"I was real at those moments, hyung. And even I was trying to fight for us," I defended.

"Fight for us?" he scoffs in disbelief. "You left me, Taehyun. I fought alone. I fought alone when you awlays said everything will be fine but you just left me! And then what? After those heartbreaks? After those mourning and self-resentments turnd out you're alive?" he laughs like a madman. "Am I the only one who's getting crazy in here!?"

"I did it for a reason, hyung. Deity—"

"That! That again! You think it's fine that Deity is behind your back all the time!? Bullshit! Total crap, load of bullshit Kang Taehyun!" he started cursing in bloodshot. "I only want to have an easy-life, I just want my grandma to live for me, with me but! But when you appeared... w-when you appeared, everything changes."

"If I didn't appear... will grandma live up until now?"

He pauses for a second and look at me in surprise. I continue speaking, "If you didn't wished back then... what was supposed to happen right now? Your grandma, your mom, your family, as well as Soobin hyung. What do you think they were to you?"

"You're... such an evil, Kang Taehyun. You just keep on punishing me," he stated instead with death glares. "Is that why you chose Busan to celebrate? Because you're going to leave me again with the same way?"

I didn't reply.

"Yeah sure..." he chuckles in sarcasm. "That's your forte. Loving someone, making them hope, and then fucking dumped them. Right? Now after my grandma died, you're going to leave and then what? Come back when I'm fully healed? And then make one of my family members die!? What the fuck do you want more from me, Kang Taehyun!?"

I look away and heard a thug sound coming from his knees after he collapsed. "What more do you want from me? Stop making me suffer anymore. Just leave. Stop giving me false hope and then just leave me. Please... just go..." he begged.

You weren't the one who's hurting, Beomgyu hyung. You weren't the only one who needed to sacrifice things. You weren't the only one who suffered.

I didn't fight for you? I disobeyed Deity for you. I only punish you? You, yourself is my consequences. Maybe, I'm really getting punished for making you a sacrifice so I can make my own plans and maybe, you, throwing hate on me is what I deserve.

I bent my knees, "I'm sorry, hyung... I'm sorry if I'll leave you again. Let's meet—"

"I don't want to ever see your face, ever again."

But I continued, "Where we meet for the first time... Promise, I'll make things right this time."

"Leave. I'm not going to believe in any of your crap," he speaks and looks at my eyes in despair. "Go... Leave me alone."

My tears that I've been holding back, finally fall off. I slowly stand up, turn my back, and walk away from him. I can hear his loud bawling while I'm stopping myself to come back to him and explain things.

I'm sorry, hyung. I'm sorry for being such a coward.

Once I passed through different room, I fall off the corner and started crying aloud. I hug my knees as I cry and keep on muttering how sorry I was. How I wanted to run and hug him.

Is this even right that I left him like that... again? Is this even right that I'll just leave like that without any explanation? Is what I am about to do will really be the right thing?

Someone walks towards me and takes a seat beside me, folded his knees as well and he exhales. "Sometimes... things won't really work for us," Soobin hyung stated. "Can you wait for Beomgyu to have a rest first?"

"I don't think... I can be with him until then," I answered.

"Are you giving up?"

"Were there even chances in the first place?" I asked and frown a bit. "There's none... We both choose our own paths and consequences of our action leads to this. Just like how small secret turns into bigger lies," I stated. "I messed up."

"You didn't... You two were just shocked by what happened to halmeoni," he consoles.

"No... I don't think so," I shake my head and I look at Soobin hyung. "Take care of him hyung..." I smile a bit.

"You're really going to leave?"

I nod, "Yes, hyung... I'm sorry."

He sighs and taps my shoulder. "Take care, Taehyun... You know you can count on me anytime, okay? Just hit me up," he reminds and smiles.

"Thank you, Soobin hyung... See you around."

I take a stand and finally walk from the building. The fresh air outside hit my skin and this time there's Jaechan in a form of Woo Hyun, waiting for me.

"Where are we going?" I asked him.

"Borderline, Deity has summoned you."