Blooming

“Doesn't mean you're the Deity's favourite you can do whatever you want.”

“Why? Are you jealous?”

“Remember that I can see the future Taehyun that's why the Deity needs me more than you. Also, you're right saying that kid needs to be careful now that the two of us met. It's also you, Taehyun.”

"That kid will give you something that can ruin you."

"If it's fate then I'm fine being ruined by him."

I briefly open my eyes and breathe out heavily. “What is that again…” I whispered.

“The what?”

I quickly look on the side and I saw Beomgyu hyung preparing his clothes. “Oh!? You’re here?”

“It’s my room as well,” he shoots back.

“I rarely see you in here that’s why,” I replied with chuckles.

“So what did you dreamt of?” he asks me.

I get up and started stretching. “I don’t know? Talking about Deity and such,” I laugh. “Just some random dreams.”

“Deity exists…” he stated and looks at me. “He does…”

“Did you meet him once?”

“I’m not sure…”

“For sure you did,” I said. “You even fell in love with his angel,” I pulled a joke and we both laugh.

“You’re right,” he affirms.

“He was really an angel?” I asked curiously.

He slowly nods, “He’s the brightest angel,” he smiles.

“Then how about me?” I asks while lowkey pouting at him.

“You…” he walks towards me and stops right at my face. “You’re a kid,” he chuckles.

“Hey! I’m 23!” I defended.

“Ah! You are? I didn’t know,” he acted while shaking his head to annoy me more and I rolled my eyes at him then he laughs.

Because of the festival, the children and staffs are on rest. I decided to take a walk outside the building and saw Soobin hyung approaching the place.

“Hyung!” I called him and he waves his hand at me. “I thought you already left,” I said.

“Ah, I had two-day leave so,” he answered. “I slept at Dr. Kai’s place,” he added. “The fireworks last night was incredible!”

I chuckles, “Right? The kids love it so much,” I commented. “Hyung, can I ask you something?”

“Oh,” he looked at me with his teasingly eyes. “It’s about Beomgyu, right?”

“A-ah… can I?”

He suddenly laughs, “What do you want to know, huh?”

We both decided to take a seat on the garden’s cottage and I started talking, “Beomgyu hyung said you two dated, right?” and he nods at me. “Then how did you two split up?”

“Ah that? Wow, you’re right we almost dated,” he corrected. “It was so long already,” he added as if he’s remembering such good old days. “Well, I can’t clearly remember how I suddenly started liking Beomgyu during those days but he was this goofy guy, full of hope, loud, humor, kind— he’s so warm too. Maybe that’s the reason why I like him? And then I don’t know what happened as well and we just separated,” he answered.

“J-just like that? No third parties or something?” I frown.

“He said, he falls out of love. That he don’t really love me from the start,” he replied.

It was Kang Taehyun… and Choi Soobin hyung doesn’t know that he existed.

“Do you like Beomgyu?” he suddenly asks.

“H-huh? No… We’re just friends,” I answered.

He grins, “Oh… really?”

“Yes!” I glared for a second. “I just wanna help him…”

“You know what? Pursue it,” he stated and look far away. “Having Beomgyu is already a total luck and blessing. He’s nice and gentle. He can take care of anyone he loves too,” he added.

But he failed to protect one…

I sigh, “I don’t know… Liking Beomgyu hyung romantically never crossed my mind,” I replied. “But yeah… he’s not bad.”

Then I heard hyung laughs at me, “Hey punk, just try it out. Maybe… you can make him laugh again or love again…”

I smiled and purse my lips. Love again… Impossible. I need to know who I am first before dealing with others. How can I love someone when I barely know myself? It’s funny and stupid at the same time.

Soobin hyung went back to Seoul after staying for the whole day and I can say that everything is going back to their usual routine now. It’s already night, we all finished taking care of the kids and tucking them to bed.

“Hyung!” I called Beomgyu. “You’re going to sleep in here tonight, right?” I asked.

“Hmmm yeah sure,” he replied. “Why? Missed me?”

I grimaced at him in disgust, “In your dreams.”

“Oh so you’re dreaming of me, huh? Naughty,” he even teases me more and I glared at him and he laughs. “Such a kid.”

“I am not!”

“Yes, yes, kiddo,” he annoyed me more so I rolled my eyes at him. “Wanna stroll outside?” he suggested.

I quickly smile, “Yes!”

“And he’ll deny that he’s a kid,” he commented.

“Hey!”

Beomgyu hyung and I started walking outside. The village is peaceful at night. The wind is also colder than day. Hyung and I are beside each other as we walk towards the convenient store. We both some food and decided to have a can of beer for each other.

“Soobin hyung doesn’t really know about Taehyun…” I opened up.

“You really asked him that?” he chuckles. “I told you, I’m the only one who knew he existed. Well, you’re the second now but for sure you won’t believe me.”

How can I even believe it?

“When he died… how?” I asked again.

He breathe out first before answering, “His mom said it was a terminal illness and that’s it…”

Terminal illness? Yun Oh said I had some heart problems…

“At which hospital? HYBE MU?” I asked again.

“Nope,” he shakes his head. “It was just this rural hospital in Shindong District where we used to live,” he answered. “I can still remember how we lived at the basement,” he chuckles after and gulps his beer.

“Not on the rooftop?”

“We were able to live on the rooftop after,” he answered. “Why are you suddenly interrogating me?” he frown.

“I’m just curious,” I smile.

“Unfair, I can’t ask anything about you because you can’t remember anything,” he sighs. “I envy you sometimes… How I wish I’ll lost all my memories and starts better…”

“Don’t,” I stop him and I look at the view below. I pause and breathe out first. “It’s exhausting. I don’t know who’s lying or telling the truth. I don’t know where I should start finding myself. I wanna be whole but all the pieces are scattered and some are hidden. My mom is hiding something from me— my whole family. There are memories coming inside my mind that does not match from what they told me. I don’t even know what real and delusion. There are still so much to look for.”

Then there’s silent between us. The sound of hyung’s finger that tapping the wooden table is the only sound that’s clear enough. It took more seconds before I speak again.

“I really want to find myself… But I don’t know how,” I stated and look at him. I was a bit startled when I saw him staring at me… fondly. “W-why?”

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes. “You just sounded like him,” he said. “That Taehyun I once knew…”

I chuckles. “Let’s say I am that Taehyun, what are you going to tell me?”

He moves closer and he suddenly holds my hand that made my heart started beating fast. I can feel how his thumb caresses the back of my hand as well as how he adorably stares at it and it’s sending me shivers down my spine.

What’s this feeling…?

“Taehyun…” he mentioned my name and stares at me. He’s smiling but his eyes looks drowning in sadness. “Hyung is sorry about everything. I’m sorry if I had known you later. I’m sorry if I was too late. Sorry if I didn’t fought for us. I’m sorry…” he pauses and bit his lowerlip to stops it from shaking. “I’m sorry for being such a coward. If only… If only I could change our fate that time, I already. But you said… You said not to go to Deity’s plan and all he does is for good but Taehyun,” he suddenly sobs. “How I wish I didn’t interfere.”

He continued as he cries, “I wish I didn’t have done the contract with you. I wish I could change everything or maybe… Maybe I should have stayed with Soobin hyung. But… I just love grandma so much. I’m so foolish that I put her life at stake just because of what I feel,” he sobs loudly.

He isn’t drunk or high. This is Beomgyu’s feeling that suppressed the whole time with him. I don’t get some of what he’s saying but random memories started flashing again in me. I can’t tell who is who. I don’t know who the people are. One’s wearing white, at the hospital, a brown envelope? A grandma’s voice and a convenient store.

Who are these people?

I hold hyung’s hand back. “If you really wish to let things be that time… do you think it’ll be fine with me?”

“H-huh…”

“What if… I really wanted you to do that? What if… if you didn’t wished, we will never really meet? Will you be okay with that?” I started asking him as if I’m really Taehyun that he loved and he’s hopefully staring at me. “Don’t you trust me? When I said Deity does things for good, I mean it. So what if I’m already dead? Are you just going to bury all the short moments that we had? They were just short but… throwing it away, does it mean nothing to you—”

“No!” he held me tighter and I just waited for his respond. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I know you died. I know y-you’re not with me anymore but… you don’t know how much I prayed for you to comeback as a human, Taehyun. And now… I’m seeing you again but as a complete different person… Does it make sense? What if… W-what if the Deity really heard me?”

He wished for that Taehyun to comeback as a human?

“Choose… Ascend or live once more?”

Who’s that?

“Just ascend me already.”

Was that my voice?

“Will you not regret it?”

“Taehyun…” I snapped back when Beomgyu hyung calls me. He moves out from his chair and closes the gap that’s between us. He’s slightly bent down while I’m looking up at him on my seat. I felt his hand holding my cheek and gently caressing it.

“Hyung…”

As if a bomb exploded inside in me. As if the time froze. As if I’m out of breath and dying… Beomgyu hyung is kissing me. Our lips are pinned against each other. With the cold air surrounding us, there are lips being warm.

“I don’t want to accept any of this…”

“Hyung…”

“Taehyun, don't go please… Don't leave me.”

“I have to. You need to move forward without me hyung.”

“DEITY!”

“Hyyung… Please stop it…”

“No way! Deity! I know you can hear me!”

“Hyung… He already made me live for a year. Please.”

“Y-you know I love this man, right? Deity… You know it right? I did everything for him. I broke someone’s heart for him. I risked my grandma‟s life for him. Wasn’t that enough?”

“H-hyung… It’s my fate.”

I slowly open my eyes and meet the familiar white ceiling of Dr. Kai’s clinic. I heard some rustles of things but I didn’t bother looking at it. It feels like I’m still frozen.

Deity… I clearly mentioned it.

“Oh, you’re finally awake. Beomgyu rushed you in here last night, he said you just suddenly fell and both of you are drunk. What happened? What triggered you?” he continuously asks. “Anyway, I should get a hold of your physician in HYBE MU so I can take care of you will you’re here. Is it okay, Taehyun?” he added and then I heard his footsteps towards me and then we meet each other’s faces while I’m lying down. “How are you feeling?”

“Hueningkai…”