Doubts

“Your ex… how did he died?”

Beomgyu hyung stops from fixing the futon on the mat that’s on wooden floor of the tree house and he looks at me. “I didn’t know…”

“Wait,” I frown. “You didn’t know he was dying and you didn’t know how he died? Are you really a couple?”

He sighs, “It’s really complicated, Taehyun,” he stated. “And before we could learn about each other more… time’s suddenly up,” he added.

“When did you two meet?” I asked again, now I’m getting more curious.

“I was a senior high,” he answered and continues doing his thing.

“And him?”

“He was… I don’t know,” he answered hesitantly.

My curious and frowning face went totally bland after hearing it. “Are you sure he isn’t an imaginary human? How is that even possible!?” I reacted and move closer to him. “Aside from his name, you don’t know anything about him?”

“Yeah…”

“Whoa,” I exclaimed. “I don’t even know if I should believe you. Anyway, stop shouldering all your baggage and…” I smile first, “Thank you for opening up to me.”

“Thank you too…” he whispered. “For the comfort… and such…”

My smiles went wide after hearing that. There’s a progress! Something’s happening. Beomgyu hyung slowly accepting my friendship and opening up things to me.

Everything will be alright… indeed.

I sleep on the futon while he’s on the hammock that’s near the window of the tree house. It’s cold in here but bearable. The only light that’s giving the whole small room is from the oil lamp that’s on the mini folding table.

“You said earlier that you regret having a wish, why is that?” I ask to break the silence because I know he’s still awake. But he didn’t answer me, maybe he doesn’t want to talk about it for now. “Then may I know what that Taehyun’s personality?”

“Strong, smart, has one word, rational and logical, matured, he knows what he’s doing and he does what is best,” he answered.

“I’m all ears…”

“He always consider what’s best for me, he did everything to keep things on track, and we both know everything was my fault why we messed up but he still promised that everything will be fine,” he continued in his melancholy voice.

“That Taehyun… he loves you a lot,” I commented though feeling a fang on my chest.

“Did he?” he asks rhetorically that made me frown. “After couple of years since he died, I suddenly doubt that maybe he didn’t loved me at all… He did all of it because it was his responsibility…”

My brows are still knitted as he continues speaking, “Since the day he died, I always visit the crematorium— like everyday but when I started on my senior year, I got busied with CSAT preparations that I only visit him during weekends. But when I started college, it became twice a month or even never since my university is far from where I used to live. Then after three years when I visited him, his mom already transferred him somewhere… And I don’t have any idea where he is now…”

I know now… I finally understand why he’s still mourning and full of grief.

Beomgyu hyung and his past lover who ran out of time, Beomgyu hyung who didn’t had the chance to spend more time for him, nor maybe didn’t had the chance to say a formal farewell…

Beomgyu left alone without any clues, without any explanation, and that causes his anger… because he doesn’t have the proper reason about everything.

As if that Taehyun just appeared to make him feel whole and left him alone.

I breathe out a deep one and close my eyes. Now, I don’t know what to speak. I don’t know how to console him. I totally understand why he’s mad. And if I was that Taehyun I will really feel guilty of leaving him without any trace and knowing the fact that Beomgyu hyung is blaming himself for everything when he wasn’t the only one who was at fault.

“What’s with sudden silence?” he asks.

“Just…” I purse my lips. “If that Taehyun is smart and logical… for sure he has his own reasons, right? If what he does is for your own good then maybe he kept those things to protect you…” I replied.

“And that’s how I failed to protect him because he was the only one fighting for us…” he pauses. “How can we even win against the Deity?”

“Then it was fated to happen,” I stated. “If you can’t defeat what Deity has been set… then it was fate.”

“Fate, my ass,” he scoff. “I’m going to sleep now. Thank you again, Taehyun. Good night…”

“But Deity’s plans… were always for good.”

“Let’s sold him, we can make money if we will!”

“Are you out of your mind!? What kind of father will sell his son!? Don’t you dare touch Taehyun again or I’m really going to end everything in here!”

“Hey son of a bitch! Can you see our situation right now!? The loan sharks are going to eat us alive! It’s already our due!”

Abeoji and Eomeoni are fighting again because of me. Why? Was it my fault? Was it my will to come and live in here? No. It was them who made me.

Where am I? Whose house is this? Whose voices I’m hearing right now?

“Taehyun is helping me sell at the restaurant, so please, just stop.”

Eomeoni…

Eomeoni?

I look at the kid who’s beside me, he’s just looking blankly while his parents are fighting. Wait, is this kid… me? Then they are my parents? Wait… What’s happening!? Who are these people!?

“Hey! You rascal! Come here! This is all because of you—”

“Honey! Please! Stop hitting him—”

“Let me go! I’m going to kill this kid!”

I’ll receive continues slaps again, my face and lips will bleed again, Eomeoni will try to stop Abeoji and then he will hit her, then they will fight… because of me.

I frown while hearing these thought and while looking at how these family is messed up. I’m trembling, my hands are shaking and I can feel tears falling from my eyes.

Why? T-this is not me. This is not—

I started turning my back and look for the door, the moment I open it, brightness almost blinded me and when I opened my eyes, I’m already at the shore. The small waves reach my toes and there’s the salty wind.

Where am I?

“How was it? Living again?”

Familiar voice… I turn around and saw someone from afar, it looks like he’s glowing because of all the white he’s wearing and getting hit by the sun. He’s far but I can hear his voice right at my ears.

“Who are you?” I politely ask.

“Shouldn’t you learn from the last time?” he asks once again.

“Yes?”

“Do not rush,” he stated. “Just let things flow, just let things is.”

“Who really are you? I-I’m getting scared right now!” I shouted because of our distance.

“10 years ago, 7 years ago, 5 years ago,” he mentioned and I frown. “What did you wish from the Deity?”

Deity? I wished? What wish? Argh! What the heck!

I pulled my hair in confusion and frustrations. “Are you a part of my past? Who are you? And that kid, was it me? That shouldn’t be me— I am Kang Taehyun, the Kang Taehyun of my family right now. That is not my memory!”

“Then who owns it? Whose memories are those?”

“Taehyun… Taehyun…”

“Are you really Kang Taehyun? How can you be sure?”

“Taehyun, wake up!”

I open my eyes and I found myself panting and gripping Beomgyu hyung’s hand. “Hey, are you okay?”

I’m crying, my cheeks are wet. What was that? Who was that? W-what is happening? I’m Kang Taehyun, why? Why is everything feeling unsure right now?

I look at Beomgyu hyung that’s beside me while I’m still lying. He’s looking at me with such concern and worried. “H-hyung…” I called.

“Why? What is it? Hmm?”

“That Kang Taehyun… he really died, right? You saw him dead, right?” I ask while trying my best not to crack my voice in fear.

He slowly nods, “Yeah… I saw it. Why?”

It’s not like we became one, right? There’s no such thing as reborn in another body, right? I’m Kang Taehyun, the only Taehyun in me is me and no one else.