(Liam's POV - Thur. 8 May 2014)

Isolation. Isolation is the key word. Isolating myself is the best way to avoid worries and pain. Since the beginning of this week, I have made sure not to meet more people than it is necessary. Of course I can't avoid the persons I work with on my floor because I am still a professional and don't slack in my tasks, but as much as possible, I stay away from others. That way, I don't have to deal with hearing gossips or facing weird looks. I might be turning paranoid but I have had this sensation that some people have been looking at me weirdly recently - although this is probably because my behavior is weird... Like Ally taught me, I had gotten used to meet people at the coffee machine, either here or with the IT guys; I almost always had lunch with Ally, Elena and whoever would join us; I never minded chatting with people I would meet at the copier. But now I avoid everybody. I just want to be on my own and do my work.

Elena is on vacation this week so this is one problem less and I think that Ally is quite busy too, so she hasn't bugged me too much on why I now go out or stay at my desk during lunch. The problem is that the more I isolate myself into loneliness, the worst my mood is and I have to say that right now, it is quite down. At least while I am at work, my mind remains busy and time flies by rather quickly, but evenings have become unbearable. As soon as I walk into my apartment, I feel the emptiness seizing me and the last bits of energy and motivation escape me, making me drown into near-despair. Last week-end was one of the gloomiest I have ever had. I spent two full days lying on the couch and looking at the ceiling; no cleaning, no shopping, no going out, no nothing. I was like a veggie waiting to rot and on Monday morning, it took all I had in me to ignore the dirty state of my place and shove myself into the shower to get ready and go to work.

The only moments my brain is willing to work properly when I'm at home is when I exchange texts with Shannon and when my parents called on Sunday and I had to work myself up to sound good enough. I didn't want to tell them the truth and when my mother began to worry about my nonchalant tone, I just pretended that I had had a very busy week and that I was just tired. I don't think she bought it, but at least she didn't insist too much with more questions. I'm glad though that Shannon gets a bad phone service and has resolved to send texts rather than call. At least he doesn't get to hear my voice and worry because it is much more difficult to try and sound cheerful on the phone than adding some happy emojis in my texts. His days are long and work is hard, but he says that the ambiance is rather cool, so he still enjoys himself down there. Selfishly enough, I hope he won't enjoy it too much and come back at the end of his assignment, because I would rather he finds something that he likes here in Chicago rather than eight hours away from me.

A vibration suddenly echoes from my phone. Damn! Another text from Ed... It is the third one this week. The first was actually on Sunday and it said that he had heard about a problem between Joshua and me and that he was there to talk if I needed him. I simply answered that I was fine and that I would talk to him later. Then on Monday, he sent another one suggesting that we could have lunch together at some point or drink a beer in the evening at a pub but I didn't reply and now he is proposing to go out together on Saturday evening. He says that he would like to go to The Black Moon and wants me to join in, saying that Mick, Eric and Tony would be there too.

It could be an idea but I'm not too sure if I want to go and risk meeting Joshua there. At the same time, I am not too keen on playing the vegetable again for another week-end and going out on Saturday evening would keep me busy for a while. For now, I just message that I'll let him know later on and get back to my work. It is just past five when a little Lync window pops up on my screen with a message. My heart skips a beat when I see that the author is Joshua...

Hi Liam, I need to talk to you. Can you please come upstairs?

What.The.Hell? Is he crazy? For one, why would he want to talk to me? It is not like we have anything to discuss now that we are over. And then, is he serious? Talking while we are at work? Aren't there enough gossips already? Like hell I would go and talk to him with Ally next to us... although... I quickly check Ally's status and notice that she is offline. Well, that would explain why he asks me to go upstairs if she has left, but it still doesn't change a thing to the fact that I don't want to have a conversation with him anyway, so I close the window and quickly finish what I was doing. About twenty minutes later, just when I am done cleaning my desk like I always do before I leave, another window pops up.

Liam...? I'm waiting...

Well guess what? You can wait all you want Mr. Big Boss. I sign off from my Windows session and hurry to the elevators, waving goodbye to Allan who nods back with a smile while he is in a phone call. Just in case Joshua noticed that I have gone offline and would be waiting for me in the hall downstairs, I press the underground button. Yeah, I am definitely becoming paranoid, but I don't give a fuck about it. Once there, I cross the whole parking lot, use the car access ramp to get out and run to the train station. My phone keeps vibrating in my pocket but I don't need to look at it to know who is calling. Maybe I am not so paranoid in the end... I don't want to hear his voice, it hurts too much. For God's sake, only seeing his name makes my heart ache! So as the train takes me to Little Village, I keep on ignoring the regular vibrations. As soon as I reach my apartment, I lock the door and shut all the curtains before I finally decide to listen to the voice mails on my phone.

5.31pm: "Liam... Did you really go offline without replying to my message?" Joshua's voice is full of bewilderment in this short message, and I can't help feeling a little pride at destabilizing him. I know how unethical to ignore a command from the CEO, but I truly doubt that there was anything professional in his request.

5.35pm: "Liam... come on, pick up the phone. I really need to talk to you!" Annoyance... yes that seems to have annoyed him; I am pretty sure there was a sigh before he cut the call.

5.39pm: "Liam, pick up the phone!!!!" Here is the commanding man I know better!

5.46pm: "Liam, I'm just asking for a chance to talk to you! I know that you are angry at me, but please just let me try and explain..." That begging man, I don't know... And I'm not angry at him! That emotion has left me long ago, leaving me with only brooding.

5.59pm: "I'm on my way to your place." I will be damned if that wasn't determination!!!

What? No!!!! I run back to the door and make sure that both locks are pulled before I hurry back to the living room and peek through the curtains by the window that looks over the street. Sure enough, a black SUV pulls over across the street about twenty minutes later and I see Joshua slip out of the back seat. Shaking my head, I have a sympathizing thought for Tony who has to deal with all this shit. It doesn't take long before someone is pounding at my door but I remain standing by the window, my eyes locked on Tony's elbow jutting out from the car window. At least this visit is a confirmation that Joshua's command wasn't professionally oriented, exactly like I expected.

"Liam! Please open the door!" Of course, I don't reply and he keeps knocking on my door. "Liam, I know you're here so open the door! I just want to talk to you! There are things that I just can't say through a door!" Yeah and I don't want to talk to him. I just want him to go away and leave me alone. The pounding goes on and on and I just hold my position at the window. "Liam! Open the door! Now!" he growls and this little bit of sudden authority does things to me that I shouldn't feel, but what freezes me in my spot is this other air of dejà vu again. It reminds me of that day I called in sick after I had spent part of the night looking at websites that Joshua had advised me. Like today, he had been pounding on my door for a long moment before I had eventually decided to let him in. The difference is that today I won't let him in.

Joshua's drama scene lasts for another good fifteen minutes, begging me to let him in. Memories of that warm afternoon we spent on the swing in his backyard seep in; I was feeling good; the weather was nice; I was happy and got carried away by my emotions, revealing what I felt for him. Maybe it wasn't the right time; maybe he wasn't ready, but I was. I remember how the realization that he might never be ready hit me hard then and brought up my anger; so much so that I couldn't even stand to listen to him. Once again, I don't yield and he eventually gives up, probably for fear that a neighbor might call the police. I watch him walk back to his car furiously and send a mental apology to Tony because he will certainly have to endure his boss's bad mood by my fault. Once the car has left, I slouch on the couch and let a few tears run out. I can't explain why I didn't let him in to talk. Right now I don't feel like I can face him and hear him say what he has to say. I am too scared that it will arise some feelings that I have been trying to bury deep inside of me, yet not very successfully.

After a short night interspersed with tears of sadness and light slumber, I get ready without much motivation, not bothering with a business suit but choosing a nice pair of fitted black jean with a black hoodie over a white long sleeved tee-shirt, and leave home much later than usual, almost surprised not to find his car in front of my building. When I arrive at Pierce Construction, the hall is empty and I hurry to take the elevator. Leaning my side against the wall of the cage, I close my eyes and wait for the doors to shut but someone blocks them and gets in, making me startle in surprise. That smell... that delicious smell... Oh God no!!! Not again!!! Joshua, as beautiful as ever in a dark-gray suit and freshly shaved, stands at the entrance of the elevator and presses - or rather slams - the fourth button before he folds his arms, scowling at me, as if he was defying me to try and escape... as if I had a chance to win against a man six or seven inches taller than me and twice as big and muscular!

"Good morning, Liam," he says in a deep voice.

"Morning..." I whisper, casting my eyes down.

The doors soon reopen on the fourth floor (one that I have never been to for the good reason that it is unoccupied), and Joshua takes a step to the side before he motions for me to walk out. I could plainly refuse but I know that he won't have it, so I walk past him and get out. This floor is a full open space, like the first floor with the dining room, waiting to be settled and used when the company will expand furthermore, and I immediately understand that I won't have another choice than to listen to him this time. I walk to the back of the huge floor, but of course he follows me. Peeking at him for a brief second, I see that he is swinging between various emotions such as anger, sadness, pain and determination.

"I know that this is anything but ethical, but considering that you don't answer my calls and refuse to let me inside your place, I just couldn't think of anything else. We need to talk, Liam and this is all I am asking for; at least for now." He pauses but I remain silent and keep my eyes locked to the floor. From my peripheral vision, I can see his legs fidget a bit nervously and the same anxiousness reflects in his voice. "Listen, I'm not good at that kind of things and you know that I am a rather straightforward person, so I'm not gonna beat about the bush. I love you and I want you back in my life. I really love you and I was stupid for not realizing it before. I want you to think this over and get back to me," he rattles off very quickly. It sounds like a speech rehearsed far too many times, like a kid reciting a poem with a flat tone in front of the whole classroom because he can't wait to get rid of his assignment. And did he really say he loves me? Is that a joke? Even if he does, that has to be the coldest declaration of love ever! And that throws me into a deep state of anger because that man just doesn't seem to be capable of emotions.

"Are you kidding me?" I shout at him, my eyes certainly shooting daggers at him. "Is that what you wanted to tell me?"

"Liam, please... listen to me..." he pleads more softly.

"I don't want to listen to you!" I reply irritatingly.

"Liam, I really do love you and..."

"You should have thought about it earlier... when I had the guts to say it! Now it's too late and you don't even sound sincere! In the end, it just reveals your true personality! You're just a calculating man! A calculating business man! But you should learn that love is not a matter of calculations and figures and profits and whatever else you do in business. Love is about feelings, Joshua! And you're just not capable of that!" I yell, heading back to the elevator. I have had more than enough of his poor excuses. I am tired and I don't want to deal with this anymore. I need to get out of here.

"Liam, wait! Let me explain..." he says, grabbing my arm, but I yank it back and walk ahead.

"Leave me alone!"

"Liam, please! Just give me a chance to explain better," he begs again, looming on me.

"Stop! Don't touch me!" I seethe through my teeth, raising a hand in warning.

"Why can't you just stay and listen to what I have to say?" he asks but I turn back and walk to the elevator. "Liam, where are you going? Please stay and listen to me!"

"I'm going to HR to resign!" I shout, pressing the call button.

"No!! No!!! Please!! Don't do that... Okay... I'll leave you alone... I promise..." he says, resting his hands on my shoulders. My eyes lock into his electric blue eyes and what I see scares me. Fear, sadness, doubt, despair... It is so unexpected that I almost flinch. Fortunately enough, he quickly retrieves his hands and takes a step back. "I understand your point and I'll leave you alone... Please just do me this one favor... Do not resign and please, try to think about what I just said... I really mean it. And once you're ready to listen, give me a chance to explain..." he says in a soft voice just when the doors open on a - thank God - empty lift.

Without another word, I get into the elevator, my back to him. For a brief second, my finger hovers over the number 17 but it finally hits the 15. Before the doors close, I hear a softly whispered thank you. With a pounding heart in my chest, I make my way to my office, quickly greeting everyone and as soon as my bottom hits my armchair, I force all my thoughts aside with all my might for the rest of the day and only focus on my work.

Much later that day, actually quite around ten in the evening while I am curled up on my bed, I allow all these thoughts to flood back in. I just don't know what to think anymore. On one side, I can't deny that I still have feelings for Joshua and if I am being honest to myself, I should even say that they haven't changed at all. Being so close to him this morning was overwhelming and I still wonder how I was able to remain unmoved and nearly stone-faced in his proximity. When he touched my arm and then my shoulders, it was exactly like that moment when our fingers had brushed for the very time in August last year. I felt the electricity run through my veins and it became a fierce struggle to resist the urge to close the distance between our chests and wrap my arms around his waist. I was craving to rest my head against his torso and relish within his strong arms.

All the emotions I saw in his eyes were so unfamiliar to me. Joshua has always represented safety, certainty and determination to me, the extreme opposite to what he was looking like this morning and it hurt me to see what such a normally strong man could be reduced to. His declaration was cold as stone. How can someone be lacking emotions that much? Hasn't he ever had feelings for anyone at all before? It's not as if he never experienced affection! I mean, I know that his relationship with his parents was never tender, but he has his friends. I have often had the occasion to see the four of them together and they sincerely love each other like brothers. Then he has Liz and Tony; these two love him as if he were their own son. And he had me. I was so ready to give him all my love.

On the other side, I am feeling so lost right now. I no longer know what I exactly want or feel. Before Joshua, I didn't know what love was; I mean, love for a person that you can share intimate feelings with. Of course, I have my parents and Shan, but that's different. I didn't know what sex could be like either. I had no libido at all. Joshua is all I know about love and sex; he has taught me everything I know about this, well at least about sex, and in a very intense way at that. His lifestyle has brought me into such powerful sensations that the fall was even harder, even if he never admitted that there was love. Hence the terrible pain.

I really think that I should turn this page once and for all, but then what will I do? I already tried to forget him in the arms of another man two weeks ago, but I can't say that it was a success. Steven was nice and cute, but not undertaking enough for me. Definitely not... It just wouldn't work between us, but I know why...

I suddenly realize that Steven simply wasn't what I needed! Joshua has turned me into a real bottom; I don't think I could ever be a switch, like Shannon likes to call himself. I would have been a bottom anyway considering my character, even without Joshua, but he has shown me a world where I know I belong and this is what I missed with Steven. I need a Dominant! Only another Dominant could make me forget Joshua. But not just any... I want one like Gary; one who will be able to dominate me and guide me; but also one who is capable of feelings; one who can love me for what I am. I need someone who will make feel stronger; someone who will care for me and desire me, but not only for my physical appearance; not as a sex toy. And what better place is there than The Black Diamond to look for a person like this? None!

I am still a member of the club and there is a large choice of very good Dominants there. Being one of the Big Four's Sub, I never got to know many other Doms because they always hang out together, but I should be able to find one that matches my requirements... I reach for my phone and text Ed that I am okay to go out tomorrow night. I suddenly feel much better and as I close my eyes, I am already preparing my schedule for the week-end. Tomorrow morning, I will clean up this apartment; then I will go shopping. The fridge and cupboards definitely need to be filled up, but I will also go downtown and buy a new pair of leather trousers; scratch that, I might even go straight for the shorts! And then, I'll meet Ed at the Black Moon and tell him that I want to go to the Black Diamond.

Oh I don't expect things to be easy. Even if Joshua is not there, I know that at least Aaron and Camden will; and Mark too. But they had better not try to stick their nose in my affairs. Though... What if I tried my luck with one of them? No, not Camden; he is definitely hot, but I wouldn't deal with his Sadistic tendencies. Aaron? Ugh neither; Aaron is more than hot, but he is physically looking too close to Joshua; besides, I know that he doesn't want to tie a permanent relationship with anyone. Mark? He is super sexy too but I don't think I would be able to be with any of Joshua's friends anyway. And I just couldn't do that to him anyway. It would certainly disappoint him and I still have enough respect for the man to submit to one of his friends.

Well that still leaves me a large offer of interesting men there. Come on, Li! Man up and get yourself a good and caring Dominant! Yes, I intend to do that. Tomorrow evening, I will prep myself up nicely and walk into the Black Diamond with the confidence I learned over the past six months; sexy Liam; no red bracelet. And then, come what may!

Published on 20 Nov 2016

So the chapter you've been waiting for is coming next! That won't go without a fight obviously, because a storm never ends without a last thunderclap, but the sun will shine again soon. Well, until the last thorny "situation" of course...