(Joshua's POV - Mon. 21 April 2014)

"Joshua...?"

Argh... Shut up... Please just shut up... I will Liz's distant voice to shut up. Well I think this is Liz... Since she's one of the rare women allowed into this house, I guess that's her, but my brain is so hazy that I can't be sure. It is like someone dug into my skull and blew their cigar smoke inside; or like taking a walk on the Golden Gate Bridge on one of those days when the fog and the low stratus clouds have decided to block the sight of the strait, confusing my brain. I can't even open my eyes. Why have my eyelids become so heavy? Where am I by the way? All I know is that I am uncomfortably lying on a short couch and I think my head is dropping off one of its extremities.

"So, is he here?" Tony's irritated voice asks as the entrance door slams shut. Fuck! Do they need to slam doors? For God's sake, I have a fucking headache and all these loud noises don't help!

"I don't know, darling... If none of the cars are missing, I would assume he is here. He would have told you if he had left on his own. Maybe he just didn't hear his alarm clock..." Liz replies warily.

"I'll go and check upstairs. You search the main floor," Tony orders.

What the hell are they looking for in my house? I just wish Tony would use his usual silent discretion when he climbs up the staircase and not sound like an elephant hammering his feet on every step. Oh God... That damn headache! What is going on? As the smoke dissipates rather slowly, memories of what happened with Liam surge in my head. The excellent week-end... the warm and quiet afternoon outside on the swing... our conversation about Ally and her family... Liam's thoughts about our future together... and then... argh... he said he loved me and that's when things took a bad turn.

"Joshua...?" voices echo from different distances, Tony's being further away than Liz's, and yet much louder; much more pissed off too.

Now I can remember our argument. Liam was so angry... I had never seen him like that. But at the same time, what the heck got into him to say such things? Why did he have to ruin our perfect week-end? Couldn't he keep his mouth shut? And the way he burst out in anger! His fit just paralyzed me for a long while and then... what happened then? Oh yes... when I recovered from my frozen state and after I let out my own anger on the innocent garden furniture, I think I went inside to look for him. I recall shouting his name as I checked all the rooms, wanting to finish this conversation and to explain why I was like this, but I couldn't find him anywhere; until I realized that he had left. Just when I noticed that his duffle bag was missing, his last words had resounded in my head... And have fun finding a new toy... I was finally able to put two and two together.

"Tony!!! He's here, in the bar room!!!" Liz screams at the top of her lungs with obvious concern, increasing the pain in my skull with the help of heavy steps running down the stairs. My head is soon going to explode if they don't stop their fucking noise; right away!

So yeah... Liam left... just like that... without a good-bye; without even letting me explain myself; without even allowing me to try and prove him that he was never a sex toy! For fuck's sake! A sex toy?? Anger shoots back in at the thought of him believing that I considered him as such. How could he believe such a thing when I never did? Well maybe except for a few seconds the first day I saw him in my meeting room... I have to admit that when his blond head popped inside the room and I saw his angel face, the very first image I got was quite hot as I imagined him kneeling in front of me while I would be fucking his mouth, but it only lasted for the quarter of a second... From then on, and as I got to know him more and more, I never treated him as a sex toy. To hell with that! I never even considered any of my previous Submissives as such! For sure, the relationships I had with them in the past were mostly based on sex since I never let them any further in my heart, but I always treated them with respect and certainly not as objects. I'm not a fucking cold monster!

"Is he sleeping?" Tony asks as some fresh fingers brush my forehead, making me grunt. Can't I be left alone?

As far as Liam is concerned, there's not even the slightest comparison that should be made with the other Subs I had in the past. Not only did I treat him with utter respect but I also considered him as someone much more than a Submissive. I involved myself in our relationship like I never did before. He was my boyfriend. I shared so much more with him; I told him things that I never told to others before. I let him inside my life in a way that no other Sub ever experienced. How dare he say that he was nothing else but a sex toy?

"Joshua! Come on, wake up..." Liz says softly, shaking my shoulder as I roll to my side facing away from them and groaning in answer.

"Fuck! He must have the hell of a hangover! This Chivas bottle is almost empty..." Tony comments irritatingly, as someone removes something hard that was stuck between my body and the back of the couch.

"I knew we should have checked up on him yesterday evening..." Liz says remorsefully.

"If I had checked on him yesterday evening when I came back, I would have kicked his ass!" Tony argues angrily. "Joshua! Wake up!" he orders and firmer hands try to roll me back.

"Argh... Leave me the fuck alone..." I growl, keeping my eyes shut.

"You've got to wake up, boy. I've been waiting for you for nearly two hours and we're very late now!" Tony insists, shaking me some more. He had better stop that or I might as well not be able to keep what's in my stomach for much longer.

"Darling, I don't think he's up to work today... Just drop it," Liz wistfully comments. At least someone has some common sense in their couple!

"Fine!" Tony grunts. "Well I have a meeting at ten, so I'm leaving. I'll call Ally and make up some excuse..." he then adds angrily before I hear him kiss Liz - well I guess it was Liz... because it wasn't me... - and walk away. The entrance door is slammed shut once again and I also hear Liz sigh and walk away. Finally I get a bit a peace and quietness!!! Not for long enough though...

"Joshua..." Liz calls softly a moment later but I don't reply, wishing her away. I hear her steps on the wooden floor fade away, making me sigh with relief, but this is short-course since she quickly comes back. "Joshua, sweetheart, take this..." she says, pressing something to my lips and trying to force me to sit up. I think she just won't quit, so I finally help myself up a little. I tentatively open an eye and swallow the pill as she holds a glass of orange juice and makes me drink from it.

"Thanks," I mumble and plop back down on the couch, rolling away from her again.

"Joshua... You can't stay here all day... Come on boy, this is not like you to behave like this!" she says a bit more firmly.

"Argh, just leave me alone!" I groan.

"Fine..." she sighs before she walks, finally leaving me on my own. I hear her attend to her business for a moment before I doze off again, hoping that this fucking headache will go away. I don't know exactly how much time I spend there on the couch, maybe a couple of hours. I am vaguely conscious of the vacuum being done upstairs, of windows being opened and of cooking noises coming from the kitchen, but what startles me is the loud slamming of the entrance door. Again... Is it that complicated to shut the door softly?

"Hi Liz! Where is he?" someone asks quite harshly.

"Good afternoon, Aaron! Thank you so much for coming here... He's still in the bar room..." Liz replies hesitantly. "He's been sleeping for six hours now and won't wake up when I shake him. Hopefully you can talk some sense into him... I need to go run some errands very quickly, I'll be back later on."

Six hours...? I thought I dozed off for only a few minutes. And when did she try to wake me up? But more importantly, what the fuck is Aaron doing here? As the entrance door shuts close - more lightly this time - I open my eyes, happy to see that my headache has left even if I still feel somewhat lightheaded, and try to sit up as best as I can just when Aaron barges into the room.

"What happened?" he growls at me as I rub my face with my hands in an attempt to wash away the remnants of tiredness and pain in my head.

"Can you shut up...?" I ask in a hoarse voice, feeling how furred my tongue is. Argh, I need a toothbrush and some paste.

"You know what? I'll shut up when you tell me what happened! Liz called me saying you were in a bad state and that something might have happened with Liam but she wouldn't tell me more," Aaron explains standing in front of me.

"Liz might get fired for that..." I grumble, sitting up finally.

"Don't you dare, you dumbass! She's worrying! So what happened? How many bottles did you empty?"

"I don't know... just one I think... that's none of your business anyway!" I accuse.

"Of course that's my business! You're my friend! And I haven't seen you like that in a long time, so what happened?" Aaron insists, folding his arms across his chest. For sure, drowning my sorrow in alcohol is not really in my habits. Neither is letting myself go and surrender to laziness. I am a fighter. Even in the hardest moments, I always fight and never abandon. Well, not today.

"He said he loved me..." I chuckle bitterly after a long moment.

"And...?"

"And...?" I mimic him sarcastically.

"You're not even funny, Josh! What did you tell him? What the fuck happened?" he asks warily.

"What did I tell him?" I chuckle again. "I told him to shut up of course!" I reply irritatingly.

"You what...? Are you kidding me, Josh?" Aaron screams.

"Do I look like I'm kidding? What were you expecting? That I was going to tell him I love him too?"

"Well that would have been the minimum! Why didn't you tell him?"

"Because I don't love him!! I fucking can't love him! You know that!"

"You're such a jerk!!! I can't believe you're so blind to your own feelings!" Aaron says dejectedly. "How did he react anyway?"

"The little minx turned very angry... and left!" I chant shaking my head and laughing. Aaron's already dark eyes turn black and his expression changes to one of extreme anger. I manage to stand up and face him. Aaron is barely an inch shorter than I am but right now he looks taller than me, standing straight as a pole. How funny for a gay guy!

"Josh, you do love him! Is it that difficult to admit it?" he shouts at me.

"I don't love him!" I argue. "He was just another Sub!" I seethe through my teeth; not very convincingly, I admit.

I didn't see it coming... just the blur of a shadow... the thud of bones hitting bones... but the next second, I am back on the couch, feeling a harsh pain in my left jaw.

"You're really an asshole, Josh! You're ready to ruin what might be the love of your life just because you can't accept that Liam loves you and that you love him too! Liam is not Julian, Josh! He's not going to cheat on you! Fuck! I can't believe that you're fucking this up! And I thought you were clever..." Aaron rants while I massage my cheek, bewildered that my friend just punched me.

"Get out..." I groan, feeling the anger rise in my chest.

"You'd better get on your feet Josh and call him to apologize. It might not be too late to make up for your stupidity and if you're lucky enough, he might accept your apologies," Aaron insists.

"I said get out!" I groan a little louder.

"Seriously? You're really ready to lose him?" he tries again.

"GET THE FUCK OUT!" I shout this time, freezing him in front of me for a second.

"Okay, fine! If that's what you really want. I'll let you deal with your own shit then..." he sighs in frustration. His expression turns to one of utter dismay as he slowly backs off. "I really thought you were smarter than that... but you're definitely the biggest selfish asshole I've ever met..." Aaron spits before he turns around and leaves. Once the door has been slammed shut once again, I hear some tires screech away and the house falls silent again. Finally...

I can't believe Aaron just punched me... I can't believe I let him punch me and didn't fight back! What the hell? Since when do I let my friends beat me up? Like all friends, we have had some arguments in the past and when we were younger; we already had fights for stupid things, but I have rarely seen such ardor in Aaron. Man... he was really angry... and that makes me even angrier. My own friend is siding with my Sub... or rather ex-Sub since he left. Shit! That's not his fucking business and I don't need him to judge me for my feelings. I can't love Liam! I can't let myself fall in love with him. I can't take the risk to suffer like I did with Julian. I always learn from my mistakes and I am certainly not going to repeat that one.

If Liam can't understand this, if what I give into our relationship is not enough for him, then what the hell can I do? I have already given him so much more than what I ever gave to anyone else before since Julian. None of the fuck buddies I had between my break-up with Julian and the moment I joined Aaron in Chicago ever received a thousandth of what Liam got; at best, they only got my dick and not even bareback at that! My Subs may have had a little more than those guys but it was still not even close to what I gave to Liam. So why would he need more? And damn it! He didn't even let me explain!

After a long moment brooding over my thoughts, I eventually get up from the couch. On shaking legs, I go to lock all the doors of the house and press the button that automatically closes all the shutters even if it is barely six in the evening, before I head back to the bar room and contemplate the choice of bottles on the shelves. The Chivas was pretty good last night... I might go for the same one tonight... Or... there's this old bottle of Armagnac that Mark brought from France years ago... Yeah... sounds like a plan. I'm not quite sure about how my empty stomach will deal with the strong liquor but right now, I am craving to feel its burning sensation on my tongue and in my throat and to sense its sting as it will run along my gutter and heat up my stomach.

I turn off the lights and make my way back to the couch, not even bothering to take a glass. I uncork the bottle with a nice pop sound and take a first sip from the bottle, wincing at the burning sensation. Holy shit! This Armagnac is definitely not bad! Well... thirty years of age should help I guess. I have never been a huge fan of these strong liquors contrary to Mark - the guy really has a delicate palate and extremely sensitive buds, so he can really appreciate good things better than I do... - but tonight, this is exactly what I need.

Something that will help me to forget about my worries. Because yes, Liam's departure is a worry... As my shaking hand brings the bottle to my lips for another swig, I think about all these good moments we have had together. Even if I don't love him, I must admit that I liked him very much... probably too much, which comforts me in thinking that I was right not to let myself fall in love with him. The pain I am feeling right now is already twice stronger than what I felt when I broke up with Julian, if not worse. What would it have been if I had let myself fall for the little minx? It would have been much worse... I just can't repeat that.
Falling in love is just not me!

Published on 6 Nov 2016