(Liam's POV - Thur. 27 March 2014)

"Yes Mom... I'll discuss with Joshua and I will let you know..." I sigh.

"That would be really great... I really want to meet your boyfriend, sweetie!" she squeals again.

Ever since that day at Christmas when I came out to my parents and told them I had a boyfriend, it has been the same speech and begging each time I talk to them on the phone, especially from my mother. Why don't you send us more pictures? When are we going to meet Joshua? Why don't the two of you come to LA for a week-end? Each time I remember how worried I was to announce to my parents that I was gay, I can't help chuckling at the reaction they had. After a few awkward seconds, my mother started shedding tears of joy, clinging to my father's arm, while he produced the warmest smile ever and said he always knew with that soothing voice I always loved.

Then there was this uneasy moment when I revealed my lover's identity. Mom scolded me for not telling her any sooner as she remembered the many times we mentioned my boss over the phone. My ever overprotective and down-to-earth dad worried a little about our age difference - seven years are not that huge, right? - but most of all about the different worlds we live in. I reassured him explaining that despite the potential billions in his bank account - I realized then that I am clueless on how wealthy Joshua is, but I actually don't give a fuck about it - Joshua doesn't exactly live like a billionaire.

I don't even know if he is a billionaire. True, he does have a huge mansion, a driver, a permanent housekeeper, three cars and a small jet, but honestly, he's no Jay Gatsby either in the way he lives. He dresses in nice expensive suits but he doesn't boast off his wealth; you don't see him at wild parties for the rich; no, you see him half naked at a BDSM club - but that, I couldn't tell my parents; around his friends, he is just a normal guy; well almost normal. What I mean is, despite his obvious well-off state, he doesn't make me feel any less because I wasn't born rich. I do enjoy all the comfort, but this was never what I was seeking for in the beginning.

So it was a long conversation with my parents about my CEO of a boyfriend, but in the end, they understood that he is no obnoxious bastard and they finally, and to my relief, approved of my choices, saying that as long as I was happy, they would be happy. Now, it doesn't mean that I am ready to introduce Joshua to them, much less ask Joshua if he would accept to meet them. We might get there at some point, but not just yet.

"Mom, I've already told you how busy Joshua is... but I'll try... maybe in June?" I propose. That would give me another two or three months to see how things are going between us.

"June seems so far from now..." she sighs.

I try to convince her again that there are no other options and finally hang up after having spoken with her for nearly an hour. I love my mother, but you never know whether the conversation will last for a few minutes or for an hour, and this time, it was a full hour. Before I set to prepare dinner, I try again Jeremy's mobile phone but once again I get to his voice mail. We were supposed to reach out to each other today to confirm our plans for tomorrow evening at the club. Tomorrow is Ed's birthday and we wanted to make some arrangements to bring pizzas and have dinner all together with our favorite friends in the Subs' Room. I don't leave any message this time and decide to wait for him to call me back. He must have run out of battery and I guess he'll get back to me when he has the opportunity to recharge. I just hope for him that he has a good excuse ready for Gary if he tries to reach him, otherwise, he might get in trouble. Anyway, I quickly get sidetracked by the entrance door being slammed open and a hyper Shannon barging in to embrace me in a tight hug.

"Shan!!! I saw you only two days ago!!!" I cry out, trying to push him away.

"I know but I'm so glad to see you!! I've got plenty of things to tell you!" he says, hurrying back to the door to shut it while I begin to get everything I need from the fridge and cupboards to prepare our dinner. "I got a two-week job at a bar a few blocks away from here! It's only a replacement but that's still better than nothing."

"Sure... and at least it's not too far. I can clearly imagine you working in a bar... I'm sure the customers won't get bored with you," I chuckle. "I guess that's more interesting to you than carrying cases in a warehouse or restocking shelves in a store..."

"Or sitting at a desk all day long..." he teases me.

"Go to hell!! I'm not only sitting at a desk all day long! Racking my brain for eight to ten hours a day is exhausting too, you know..." I defend myself with mock offense. Shan knows how hard I work and how tired I get sometimes. My job just wouldn't suit him at all. Organization and discretion have never been his forte.

"I never said it wasn't... I'm just saying it's less interesting... And anyway, I can't remain seated for long... I need to move..."

"Do you?" I smirk at him, watching how even now he keeps waddling on his feet.

"Ha... ha... What are you cooking?"

"Steaks, carrots and noodles... How does that sound?"

"It sounds... healthy. Unless you keep the carrots raw and whole... these could be useful..." he replies with a smug look, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Just shut up..." I say, rolling my eyes at his ever perverted mind, suddenly remembering Joshua and his suggestion on how he could use a banana. Maybe these two could get along in the end...

While we both prepare our dinner - well he just peels and slices the carrots since that's all I trust him with - we mostly talk about my job and the fact that Joshua's assistant is returning from her maternity leave next week. This of course implies that I need to move to another department and on Monday I was happy to be confirmed that I would move to work with Allan and his own assistant, Edna, who is a very discreet person. She is the kind of employee that you never see at the coffee machine or speaking with other people and she even always has lunch on her own which is why I never got to really know her yet. However, the interview I had with her and Allan this morning to see how we would organize our work went well and I have no doubt that we will get along.

"You'll never guess what happened to me yesterday," Shan suddenly gasps after a few minutes of silent eating in the living-room and watching an episode of NCIS Los Angeles just as Kensi turns down Deeks for the umpteenth time.

"What...?" I reply absent-mindedly, chuckling at Marty Deeks' face. I may be gay, but I still love the relationship between these two. I love the way they always tease each other, never willing to admit their respective feelings.

"I fucked and got fucked at the same time yesterday evening," Shan blurts out, making me choke and spit my carrots back into my plate.

"Damn... Shan!! There are other ways to catch my attention!!" I exclaim, cursing him for always trying to find some stupid ideas to grab my attention when I focus on something else. "So, what really happened to you?" I growl at him.

"I wasn't trying to catch your attention... This is what happened to me yesterday!" he exclaims, bursting out laughing.

"Seriously...?" I ask, making a fake disgusted face at him. How hypocrite of me, though! I wasn't exactly disgusted two weeks ago when I saw Joshua's friend, Mark, sharing a Sub with another Dom. That must have been pretty similar.

"Yeah, seriously... I met this super cute girl in a pub I went to after work, and she took me to some kind of party that her cousin was having at his place. Damn, the guy was as hot as his cousin... Somehow, after a few beers, the three of us ended up in the guy's room. I didn't know exactly what to expect, but a few minutes later, I was pounding on top of the girl and the guy was in my back pounding into me," he chuckles. "Li, I swear... That was so weird... but great..." Now my disgust is no longer fake. I know that my sexual life is still young and my experience limited to only one man, but honestly, now that I know who I am, I just wouldn't imagine myself with a woman... "What...? That's not the first time I do that with two people you know?"

"Yeah I know, but... a girl... Well that's up to you after all..." I chuckle.

"So you're shocked by the fact that it was a girl but not that there were two persons?" he almost yells. "Wow... I'm impressed..." I blush at Shan's teasing expression. I should have looked and sounded shocked by his threesome indeed, at least to him. In reality, I am not that shocked. I have seen such things at the club already! But I can't let him believe that my custom beliefs have changed.

"Nothing's shocking me anymore with you, Shan... that's just it..." I reply with a sorry expression.

"That's not what you would have said a few months ago..." he replies dubiously before his expression turns into a more mischievous one. "Does your Joshua make you do things like this?" he then asks with a smirk and a wink, making me blush although he is not anywhere close to the truth. I know that Joshua wouldn't share me with someone else. He is far too possessive for that! Thank God!

"Oh God... I've heard enough... thanks!" I say, standing up and taking my empty plate to the kitchen, ignoring his giggles and pleas to tell him more about our sex life. As if... The rest of the evening is pretty quiet and I am so tired anyway that I soon go to sleep. After a few texts with Joshua while I am in my bed, I call it a night and have a peaceful and dreamless night.

* * *

The more I look at Joshua this afternoon, the more I believe that something is going wrong. When I arrived in the office this morning, I found him looking tired. I know that he never sleeps much but however few hours he gets each night, he never looks so exhausted. Or maybe this is just stress. The first quarter of the year has proved rather tense at work with the big projects he currently has and the launching of the new division, and even if he delegates rather easily to the best of his leaders and relies on them a lot, he still gets involved into a lot of work himself. Although he didn't show off anything yesterday in front of me, I saw that his appointment with Derek Jones didn't go very well; he may have tried to pass off as amiable when he asked for a meeting on Monday, I can read him better now and I can feel that the man is pissing him off at the moment.

So, his mood hasn't been great today and I am quite surprised that he hasn't locked himself in his office or frozen the windows like he usually does when he is in such humor. Instead, he has kept his door fully open most of the time and the window wall clear, except for the few calls he got on his cell phone or when Tony came to talk to him. However, Joshua is strong enough to deal with his business issues so I don't really worry. What concerns me more is that I still haven't heard back from Jeremy yet, despite another message I left to him this morning. I was almost tempted to ask Joshua to call Gary but seeing how nervous he has been looking since this morning, I have given up on this idea. I guess we will just postpone our pizza party to tomorrow or another week-end.

"Liam...?" Joshua softly calls from his door just when I finish updating one of Ally's files. "Are you ready to go?" My eyes automatically drop to the bottom right of my screen and I see that it is only 4:00 pm.

"Already...?" I ask, quite surprised.

"I've cancelled my last call and I'd like to go home first before we go out," he says.

"Okay... I'll be ready in five minutes, is that fine?" I ask, unable to read his expression which is a mix of affection, stress, anger, uneasiness and maybe worry.

"Sure! It's raining buckets so Tony will be waiting for you in the underground parking and I'll meet you outside in ten minutes," he informs me.

"Hmm... Joshua?" I ask as he turns back to his office. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," he says, giving me a little smile. "I'll see you in a bit."

With that, he shuts the door of his office and walks back to his desk. I shake my head and pack up my laptop and stuff. There are a few things I have fallen back with that I'd like to work on over the week-end while Joshua works in his study, so I gather the files I need and once ready, I take Joshua's private elevator and hit the underground button. I send him back the lift and hurry to meet Tony who is indeed waiting for me and quickly slip in the car before someone else arrives and sees me. Most of the employees use the public transportations to go to work here but there are still about fifty people who drive and park here too. As planned, Tony drives out of the parking lot and goes to wait for his boss in front of the building; and Joshua meets us there a few minutes later.

The ride home is extremely silent, almost tense, and Joshua only holds my hand in his left hand, his face turned to look through the right window of the car. The closer we get to his house, the more tension is building and I almost begin to feel sick in my stomach. Just when I am about to ask him what is going on once we are in the hall entrance, he drags me upstairs and to his bedroom where he begins to undress us both. I wouldn't be able to explain why I don't ask any question and just let him do as he pleases. There are probably some issues at work that I am unaware of which cause him some stress and if what he needs is sex or whatever else to relax, I am more than willing to comply. In the end, he leads me to the bathroom and to the shower area. Once again, I just let him call the tune as he delicately lather our entire bodies while tenderly kissing me, and washes the soap from our skin before he wipes us dry.

I only begin to react when he dresses us in sweat pants and tee-shirts which is absolutely not the kind of clothes we would wear to go to the club, even if we change to our leathers once there. He hasn't uttered a single word at all since we left the office and this silence is really starting to prove my nerves. When he takes my hand and tries to tug me out of his bedroom, I yank my hand back and stop walking, folding my arms across my chest. Okay... it's much less impressive than when he does it...

"Wait... what's going on?" I ask, finally breaking the heavy silence. He sighs and holds his hand out to me.

"There's something I need to show you," he just says but I still don't move an inch. "It's downstairs, Liam. Come on!" he adds impatiently after a few seconds. With a sigh, I follow him downstairs and to the family room beside the kitchen. I am a bit surprised not see Liz at all in the house but I still sit down when Joshua gestures for me to do so and watch him pace for a few seconds in silence, adding to the tension, until he stops in front of me.

"Baby... I'm sorry, but there are not many ways to announce such news..." he begins. Oh my God... is he about to put an end to our relationship? Why would he do that? Has he gotten tired of me? It has not even been six months... the fatal duration... I must have gone blank because he suddenly kneels down in front of me and begins to rub my arms with his warm hands. "Hey... I'm here for you, okay? Always..."

"What are you talking about?" I ask firmly enough. He sighs again and pulls out a folded piece of paper from his pocket that I never saw him slip in before and puts it on the sofa beside me.

"I don't know what's the best way to tell you and you know that I usually go straight to the point so... Jeremy has left," he says. What...? What is he talking about? We were supposed to see each other tonight...

"What do you mean Jeremy has left? Has he gone away for the week-end?" I ask, refusing to understand the obviousness of his words.

"No... He has left for good. He left a letter at Gary's place to say that he was leaving Chicago to start a new life and see new things..." he begins to explain, but I am taken by a big fit of giggles. This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

"That's such a bad joke, Josh... Jeremy would never leave Gary... He just collared him!" I say between giggles. "Plus, he would have called me... He would have come to the club to say goodbye to everyone... Though... no... he wouldn't have done that... because he'd never leave... he loves Chicago and he loves Gary... and Gary loves him... and... and... and..." My laughter immediately stops when I finally realize that Joshua's expression hasn't changed. It is still cold and serious; not a single trace of humor; not the slightest commencement of a smile; and... No... That can't be true... My friend wouldn't have left without telling me. Joshua picks up the paper he had put on the couch, unfolds it and holds it out to me. I take it with shaking hands.

"I'm sorry, Baby..." Joshua says as he stands back up and kisses the top of my head before he sits down next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders, my eyes following his every move until they look down at the sheet of paper I am holding.

It's the copy of a letter, signed by Jeremy and addressed to Gary... I can't read this... This is personal and if Jeremy has really left, I don't want to know what reasons he put forward to break up with his lover. But then I realize that the first two paragraphs have been struck and only two smaller paragraphs are readable at the end. The first one is a request to thank the Big Four for everything that they have done for him over the past five years and all the Subs at the club. Then, there is this little paragraph, about me...

Can you please also pass on a message to Liam? Please let him know that he was really the best encounter I made at the club... and probably my best friend. I loved every minute we spent together and was honored to be his mentor when he started. Tell him that I sincerely apologize for leaving without notice, but I really need to go away from Chicago without delay and things will be easier like this. I always hated farewells. Tell him that I wish him the best with Joshua and ask Joshua to take great care of Liam because he's really a sweet guy.

When you read this Gary, I'll already be far, so please don't waste your time on finding me and look for a better person instead; someone who deserves you. And thanks again for everything.

Jer

So he has really left... I read these few words time and time again and try to force the truth in my mind. How could he do this to me? For fuck's sake, how could he do this to Gary!!?? I am totally astounded by his words. I am so shocked about the news that I can't even cry or react. I don't even know how I should feel! I actually pass through various emotions in only a few minutes. Sadness... I have just lost the one person who taught me everything about how a Sub should be and with whom I was enjoying myself the most at the club... Disappointment... I can respect his decision to go away, but I would have appreciated that he tells me face to face... Hurt... I thought he was my friend, and friends don't leave without saying goodbye... Deception... I thought he was my friend... Betrayal... I thought he was my friend... Anger... I thought he was my friend... We were friends... Friends, my ass!

"Baby...?" Joshua says after a long moment of silence.

"Hmm...?" I simply reply, my eyes still locked on the sheet of paper.

"Are you okay?" he asks softly.

"I don't know... I'm... I'm... I don't know what I'm feeling right now... I can't believe he would do that... How is Gary?" I ask finally turning my head to look at him.

"Not great, as you can imagine. This is worse than a cold shower. He's gone through several phases of anger, sadness and worry already, and he doesn't know what to do..."

"But... did he say if something happened? Did they have an argument or something?" I insist, and Joshua seems to think this over for a couple of seconds.

"No, not much... Gary spent Tuesday night at Jeremy's place. They had a little argument about some plans they had on Sunday, but nothing serious and it was solved right away. They both went to work on Wednesday morning and Gary hasn't heard back from him since then. From what we know, Jeremy really went to his work place in the morning and never went back after his lunch break. Gary found the letter when he went back home on Thursday evening and that's all we know."

"Poor Gary..." I sigh. I can only imagine how he must be feeling. "I just don't understand... On Saturday, Jeremy seemed so happy... that Gary had collared him..." I really wonder what could have gotten into him.

"I know. Come... Let's go have a quick dinner and then we can watch a movie..." Joshua proposes, rising to his feet from the couch.

"You don't want to go to the club?" I ask, though I feel relieved not to go now. I am definitely not in the mood tonight.

"No, unless you want to go."

"Damn... it was Ed's birthday... We'd planned to bring pizzas to all have dinner together..." I suddenly remember, but then I think about something else. "Do... do the other Subs know?"

"Aaron was going to tell them tonight, so that's why I wanted to go back home. I doubt the atmosphere will be really joyful tonight. He's not going to tell them everything, just the minimum... Come on now..." he says holding out his hand to me.

I take his hand and follow him to the kitchen even though I am really not hungry. However, I don't want to upset Joshua and I still empty my plate of homemade macaroni cheese that Liz must have prepared earlier. Joshua and I eat in silence as I brood over my thoughts and I automatically follow him to the media room downstairs after our meal. What happened with Jeremy never leaves my mind as we cuddle into one of the large reclining armchairs and I don't even pay attention to the movie we are watching. To me, they are just blurred images running on the huge screen and I can't even tell if it's a comedy or an action movie or whatever else.

All that I know is that various emotions keep shifting in my mind and I still can't decide on which dominates the others. I am really sad that my friend left... I keep remembering all the good times we had together and how he was always there to support me and cheer me up each time I was taking a new step in our common lifestyle, the most recent one being my first public scene at the Black Diamond. Jeremy was absolutely right when he said that if I managed to focus on my relationship with Joshua once on stage, and only on us, I would go past the crowd watching us and that it would even enhance further intensity in the act. And he was right. I completely loved that scene but that was mostly due to Joshua and how he made me relax before we got on stage and how he made me concentrate on us and on what I was feeling throughout the whole play. When I climaxed, the only thing I was aware of was him inside of me and his electric blue eyes that only showed lust and dominance. It was the strongest orgasm I ever had and after that, I was already eager to know when we would do it again.

But now, the only thing I can think about is that moment when Jeremy and I reached Joshua and Gary about an hour before the scene. If only I had known then that I would never see him again - or at least not any time soon, because I can't believe that he will never come back. I cannot accept this idea and I'm persuaded that he is going to regret his departure and will finally realize that he misses his life in Chicago. I am sure that he will return to us. I guess that it wouldn't be a pleasant return after all the pain that a lot of people must be going through right now but even if I feel very angry at him for the moment, I am pretty sure that I will find the strength in me to forgive him.

"Do you want to go to sleep or watch something else?" Joshua asks as the credits run on the screen.

"Whatever you want..." I simply reply.

"Do you want to talk about how you're feeling?" he proposes.

"Not really..." I just sigh.

"Are you sad?"

"Hmpf... yeah... I'm mostly shocked, I think... I really thought he was my friend..."

"He was your friend, Liam. I'm sure that Jeremy was always sincere with you..." Joshua says, his strong arms pulling to straddle him.

"Why did he do that then?" I reply harshly, looking down at him. "I mean... I can accept his decision to go away if that's what he wants, but he could have told me. A quick call wouldn't have killed him. And even if he wanted to start a new life, we could have kept in touch! This... This is completely absurd!"

"I know, Baby... but I have no explanation to his behavior. It's totally illogical..." he remorsefully says. That suddenly rings a bell in my brain....

"Joshua..." I gasp. "Is there a way we could find him? Has Gary tried to call him? Has he gone to the Police station, just in case..."

"He did that already. Tony has been trying to get some people he knows to locate Jeremy's phone but they weren't able to. Either he got rid of it or he removed the battery. Gary has already gone to the Police, but when he brought the letter, they said they can't do much because Jeremy is an adult and he clearly said that he wanted to leave..." Joshua explains.

"But... why doesn't he hire a private detective or something?"

"He's thinking about it, but... if that's Jeremy's choice to leave, what is it going to change?" Joshua comments doubtfully, yet rightfully... almost.

"He could at least get some explanations..." I suggest, feeling tears prickle my eyes.

"He already had an explanation, at the beginning of the letter. Jeremy said that he just got tired of this life and he wants to see new horizons..." Joshua says, rubbing his hands against my thighs.

"Yeah, but that sounds... irrational... don't you think? I just can't believe he left without a good-bye," I croak, willing the knot of sadness away from my throat.

"It does sound irrational, Baby..." Joshua admits, pulling me into his chest. I slip my hands behind his back and rest my head on his right shoulder while he wraps his arms around my shoulders, letting a few tears escape from my eyes. Joshua keeps rubbing my back in a soothing way that helps me from completely breaking down. "Liam?" he then asks after long minutes of silence. I just hum in answer, still unsure about my voice. "If you ever want to do the same..." he begins, pausing for a few seconds and making me tense, "I should hope you would tell me in person..."

"Of course... but I'm not thinking about it, you know..." I whisper. I actually don't think I ever would; if anything, my feelings for him only keep growing so I don't see how I could envisage doing this.

As if to give some truth to my words, I begin a trail of kisses over his neck and his stubbled jaw until I reach his mouth. The kiss quickly turns into passion and soon enough, our hands are caught in a frenzy that gets us naked in no time and I find myself on top of Joshua, impaling myself on his erection without much preparation but I need the little sting to calm down my emotions. Riding the man I have fallen for soothes the anger, worry and disappointment I feel toward Jeremy. I need it to tame my feelings for Joshua and the frustration of not knowing what we are exactly. I want to tell him how much I love him and yet I can't. I can't because I don't know how much he loves me in return and if he will be able to tell me that he does love me too.

That night, after another round of passionate and rough sex, I finally fall asleep in my man's arms, not completely reassured about what he really feels for me and mostly disillusioned by the very concept of friendship. I never knew that losing a friend could hurt so badly. What if I lost Shannon too? My friendship with Jeremy only lasted for a few months and seeing how it pains me, I wonder how I would feel if Shan ever decided to break our relationship after more than five years. That would probably kill me. But Shannon would never do that, would he? I suddenly need him to restore my confidence... I need him to tell me that we will always be friends no matter what happens in our lives and no matter what we become. I need him to remain my best friend just as much as I need Joshua to love me.

Published on 25 Oct 2016