thirty
"eyes wild, regretful"

Casia marched to the crumbling tower, fervent to begin, like a freshly unboxed toy soldier. Immaculate paint, pristine plastic and shining in the toy room light.

The possibilities ran through her mind. Lusine obviously intended to focus on her magic control or she wouldn't have requested such a far out meeting place. It was known that her grasp on her magic was not the greatest.

The Phoenix regularly visited her in her dreams, waking her in cold sweat and breathing hard. But she'd learnt that to go back to sleep was to crawl right back into its flames. Instead, she would rise from bed and do anything except sleep. Exercise, read, braid her hair like Delilah had taught her. Absolutely anything to keep sleep at bay.

Loneliness crept in when those nightly hours ticked by. They always went by slowly. She was reminded with every tick of the clock hands of how alone she had truly become in a matter of weeks.

In Asgard, she had no greater purpose. Her reasons for being there were borderline selfish and, no matter how many times she told herself it was for the greater good, she'd realised this the last time she'd spoken to Thor. When he'd scolded her as if she were a little girl for her self-centred mindset.

Her fear fuelled the characteristic she'd never known possible for her to have. As an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., she had always been someone who put the safety of innocents and her colleges before her own.

Never before had she been this terrified of herself. Terrified to the point where the actions she took undermined her true nature.

The first time she'd ever taken a life, she had flooded with relief, not guilt. Commended for her bravery, she'd even managed to smile. The claps of congratulations for completion of a mission all had been worried to go on were slapped on her back.

The terrorist leader was neutralised, zero casualties on their side and Casia had proven herself a valuable asset.

When she thought about that day now, she understood many of the unexplained events she'd kept to herself.

Her untrained strength which was able to over power the enemy in one-on-one combat when she grappled them to the floor and knocked them out with a solid thwack. The bubbling flames in her stomach she'd put down to anticipation for the call. The wave of fury that rushed over her when the leader had come into vision, unconstrained as she raised her weapon, took a breath and fired.

When his body crumpled, the fire died out and all she'd been left with was residual heat to eat away at her through the years. Until it would grow tired of its confinement and beg to be set free.

That day had come and gone.

Everything had changed, she realised as she put one foot in front of the other. The crisp grass crunched beneath her boots. And nothing would ever be the same again.

When she came to the familiar hill, she could see the ghostly figure a top. Baggy shirt danced as the wind swept through her, dark hair wild in its grasp as she stood as still as a statue and stared down at Casia with eyes of the darkest blue.

As if the night itself had crawled into her skull and made its home there. Nestled right against the psyche as if it were a child to its mother, clawed for its attention and for its feed, and purred as she drew her fingers across its skin. 

Casia clambered up the hill. Her assent much slower and more controlled than the last time. The eyes were on her the entire time, analysed every move and falter.

Lusine clasped her hands together before herself and regarded Casia without a flicker behind that face. Casia responded with a much peppier greeting, equivalent to the excitement at finally moving forwards with controlling her magic. A progression towards finally returning to the life she'd once owned.

"I feel it right to let you know that I will not be going easy on you, Radcliffe," Lusine said, voice low. Another home of the night, flooded with bats and wolves and all critters in between. "This wont be a quick fix and you will need to continue to practice the techniques I teach you once I have left your company."

"I understand," Casia replied with a nod of her head. She'd always thought that this would happen. Lusine would grow tired of her and she would abandon ship as soon as she possibly could. Leave her to her own devices where she would inevitably collapse in on herself with no one there to pull her back. A predictable cycle, without doubt.

"I want you to conjure your fire and control it within your palm. Only a small flame, but still difficult to hold steady," She told her. "Let me explain." she extended her own hand and turned her palm to the sky. "Do not overthink. Imagine the magic coming through the veins in your wrist and amassing in your palm."

Lusine's hand lit with a ball of white magic it flickered once and twice before it died out. Without a word, the women watched the wind carry it away.

"Just like that," Lusine finished, voice quiet as her hand fell to her side. For a moment, she frowned down at it as if it had betrayed her. Perhaps it had.

Casia wet her lips. "I'll give it a go," She said and folded away her worries just as she'd always been taught to.

With a clear mind, she knew she could overcome her nerves and find focus in her power. It was an unavoidable part of her; she had to deal with that to be able to wield it with pure confidence.

The lesson had been taught when she'd first picked up a gun. Weapon was cold and clinical in her palm; offset in the hand of a girl. Cruelty held by innocence, cradled with fear of failure. This fear was what set her apart from the rest. No one wanted it as much as she did. Forged her upon the thin, grey line or morality.

That ambitious drive to succeed overcame the little girl and left behind an agent.

And, as most lives do, hers had come full circle. That girl had emerged once more from beneath the shroud, ready to learn once again.

Casia turned her palm to the grey skies, took a breath and began to imagine the power inside of her. Imagined turning the key in the locked cage and beckoning the phoenix to emerge. And he smiled right at her with those burning teeth, but she held her nerve.

The molten bronze thick as it toiled within her heart began its burn through her veins. Her jaw clenched as the pain struck, though it wasn't a shade of the force she'd been dealt before. More of a weak punch than a truck mowing her down.

"Good," Lusine encouraged, "keep going."

The power reached her palm at last with a shuddering relief. The glow of it ebbed beneath the thin skin, whispered for release at long last.

"Concentrate and allow a little to escape. Hold that little piece and make it yours," Lusine instructed calmly, though she didn't fail to notice the way Casia's hands trembled. It was not a crime to be afraid. For a woman feared, she sure had experienced her fair share of terror in her lifetime.

Casia drew in a breath, collected herself and peeled open the trap door. The fire surged through, gleeful for escape, but she snapped the door shut after it had barely begun to find its true pace.

The phoenix battered against the door with both fists, screamed and yelled at her with a fury that only fuelled the fire at its feet to rally at his side and clobber the door with all its might.

But she held firm.

And, the heat of the flames in her palm were glorious upon her cheeks as she gazed down into it in wonder. They danced for her, pleased to hold her attention and awe. Sung their songs of old, careened around her hand in beautiful gowns of red and gold and orange, all swirled together to make something quite beautiful.

Through all her fear, she had never considered it would be any where close to this sunset glory in the palm of her hand.

"Perfect," Lusine commented. She turned away from Casia and extended her finger towards the tower. "Now, throw it and aim for the structure."

"What if I miss?"

"Don't miss."

Lusine lowered her arm and stepped away to await the carnage she could not cause herself.

With one last stare down into the flames, Casia closed her fingers and held it there. She'd imagined there would be pain in holding the fire, but there was none. The power was rose petals in her palm, as gentle as the lover who'd presented them freshly plucked from the mother's garden.

Casia focused, aimed and launched the fireball without a second thought. Went through the motions as if it were nothing more than a rock to a wall, not fire to a tower upon an entirely different planet than she called home.

The fireball exploded upon impact, causing a hole to shatter in the wall and for the tower to crumble further on that side. A relic of time destroyed by flames of the present.

"Again," Lusine commanded, eyes locked on the ruined tower. "Quicker this time, more force."

The second time was easier. She knew what to expect, knew when to force the trap door shut and when to throw. This time, the flaming ball was bigger and the impact set the entire tower to tumble to the ground.

"Congratulations," Lusine said, unsmiling, "you now know how to attack from range." Her hands stuffed into the pockets of her loose trousers. "Keep practising and then we can move onto melee attacks. I trust that you shall be alright to continue this alone? I must leave."

"But you're supposed to be helping me?" Casia whined, taking a step towards Lusine and, for the first time, the woman of chaos took a step back.

"I did help," She countered, but there was little potency to her tone.

"I need help more than twice." The agent put her foot down, that fear returned to her once more at the power she'd unleashed, even if she'd found beauty in its wrath.

"There is not much more I can do for you right now, Agent Radcliffe. My magic is weakened," her head lowered, "as you witnessed. I cannot teach you melee when I can't even defend myself," Lusine responded, this time holding her ground when Casia took another step towards her as desperation shone on the planes of her expression. "Now, if you'll excuse me..."

Lusine turned to make her way back, but, on pure instinct, Casia reached out and grabbed her wrist. She heard Lusine's breath hitch in her throat and, when she shifted back around to face the mortal, her face had gone ghastly white.

"Get your hand off me," She drawled out, muscles tight and eyes furious.

"Not until you say you'll stay and help me," Casia pushed, the words of Olea dust in her mind and scattered in the high wind of terror and self-preservation.

"Fine," Lusine shifted up a notch, a hint of a snarl the only emotion to be found for the miles of her scarred expression, "you want melee help? I'll give it to you."

"Great!" Casia released her grip and smiled with relief. "How should we start?" Her immediate excitement visibly bubbled beneath the skin, oblivious to the underlying issues.

Lusine's mouth curved into a wry smile, lips thin and eyes emptied of pity. In one swift movement she lurched forward, gripped Casia by the cloth of her shirt and threw her from the hill before there was time to react to the advance.

The agent rolled and tumbled the entire way down. Her clothes caught and tore on rocks, bones strained as momentum gathered, but eventually she came to a stop at the bottom and rolled onto her back.

A groan escaped her as pain throbbed through her body, parallel to her burning shame that shone as a brand upon her forehead.

Lusine appeared above her, face stoic, but betrayed by clenched fists.

"Never leave yourself unguarded," She said before she strode away, while every impulsive tick inside of her begged her to return and teach Casia a lesson she would never forget.

But what was the point in wasting energy she didn't have on a woman who, in a world of great people and innocent people who deserved a chance at life, only cared about herself?

-

-

The feast that evening was no normal feast. It was a celebratory occasion for victory in Vanaheim, for the bringing of peace to the nine realms.

Casia did not wish to celebrate. She had no ties to these people and their wars. Besides, she'd found that she already had too much on her plate to find room for their politics.

After being tossed off the hillside by Lusine as if she were nothing but a screwed up ball of paper, thrown with frustration at an inability to get the right words down, she had lay at the bottom of the hill amongst the long grass and stared into the sky.

Watched the birds flit about on their daily routines, worms in beaks. Picked shapes from the clouds as they drifted across the expanse above. Wondered what it would be like if she were as carefree as them. Wished away her pain and selfishness just for a taste of sanity to satisfy her sweet tooth.

Now, as she sat at the table of joyous Asgardians, she wondered just what sin she'd commit to be left alone in the world by everyone she'd ever known.

From said table, she could see Thor and Sif on the balcony as they conversed with one another, shared smiles and jokes that she could never hope to understand. Maybe she was the reason he'd avoided her at all cost since the kiss they'd shared in the arms of the willow, but Lusine had spat those words of cruelty at her when they'd first arrived so that couldn't be the case.

As soon as Casia witnessed him walk away from Lady Sif, she knew tonight was the night for the confrontation she'd been playing out in her head for days. It needed to be said. She needed answers of why she'd been cast aside at the first hurdle, if that kiss of passion could even be ascribed such an insult.

Casia almost flung her chair back as she stood and darted from the hall, pushed past Sif and followed Thor for a short while, confused as to where he was going.

Finally, she bit the bullet and called out, "Thor, wait!"

His shoulders immediately tensed as if she were an enemy, not a friend, and he turned to face her with a look that decimated her with its guilt. He was rendered unable to find the words to say, but Casia had enough questions to fill the silence herself.

"I wanted to talk to you," She said, voice tentative as if she were a school girl and he was the untouchable boy, top of the class. "I just... I really need to know what made you suddenly not want to be around me?"

Thor's throat bobbed as he swallowed. The distance between them felt like worlds, all filled with other lives.

"Casia, I did not mean to hurt your feelings, but I felt although a little distance was for the best," He explained and she huffed out a sigh. His words drew paper cut wounds across her dark skin. Stung with every move.

"But you did," She muttered, the air thick in her lungs and ribs squeezed tight. "You did hurt me when you abandoned me and avoided me at all costs. Thor, I know there's probably someone else. Another woman who you love more than me and that's fine. You could have told me. Should have told me. I wouldn't have hated you for honesty and I would have respected you for it, but what you did instead was a horrible thing to experience when I know barely anyone in this place. Do you realise how alone I feel?"

His gaze dipped. "I apologise for not being more honest. I should not have kept from you that I am in love with Jane of Midgard. I perhaps should have made that more clear before we became more involved in one another."

When her eyes flickered across every inch of his face for a lie, for a joke, for anything, his shame grew greater for the intimate moment they had shared, though this was more out of a respect and love for Jane than a regret.

"You should have," Casia glanced away, regained her composure, "but it's done now and all that I can ask of you is that you don't go out of your way to avoid me anymore. That's all I need, Thor. I need a friend."

Thor gave her a firm nod of his head. "Then a friend is what you'll get, Cas, I swear it." He smiled warmly. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go and speak with Heimdall."

"See you later," Casia replied and returned the smile with her own pulled, thin lips worn as a mask over the cracks which had begun to show like dark lines through porcelain, seen but not heard.

-

3001 words
10.7.18
why did no one introduce me to songs with rain sounds in the background before? 505 is forever changed for me..
also, how is this at 30 already? wow