I feel useless. Resentful. Miserable. I feel like I need to hide my thoughts and my opinions because nothing feels appreciated. I feel worthless. Like I'm a complete, total shit show, and I don't see chances of improvement anywhere in the near future. When did it become like this? And why? I don't have anyone to tell me why. This isn't fair.

•••

Tell me, how am I supposed to ever be good enough
When all I do is make existing impossibly tough?
I don't know how I'm going to discover myself
Is it only going to be if and when I'm through this self-imposed hell?

The mind is a brilliant vessel, and my thoughts are all over the place.
Some make me feel awful and an irresistible need to hate my face,
While some convince me to get back up from my fall of disgrace.
Tell me, what do I do to finally escape this seemingly indefinite race?

I often find inspiration in the darkest of corridors
The disconsolate and miserable corners of my mind wield a hypnotic force,
Where the negative aspects of my abnormal mind do hide
Tell me, does anything ever get better, or am I to forever experience this unending pain in my side?

I'd dream of a guide to dictate how exactly I'm supposed to view this life,
Is it like a pleasurable merry go round with its ups and downs, or just a synonym for strife?
How does one define being dead?
Is it how the wind tells me, like autumn leaves being shed?

I have so many questions and nobody to answer them,
Maybe that's why I try to curb my resentment,
For who likes a bitter little speck in a vast ocean of immature thoughts?
And that's why, this time, I need no one to tell me how to connect the dots.

I'll figure it out, like I always have done,
Probably fake it until I find the real meaning of fun,
And along the way I hope to never have use for a gun
Because this time, I promise to not be afraid of the rising sun.

•••

I am at a complete loss for words right now, honestly. I don't think I need to say anything anyway. As is obvious, quarantine hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows for me either, and so I'm rotting away in a corner with nothing but my thoughts. Hah.

I just wish sometimes, that there would be clear rules in the book that would tell me what to do with my life. Like, how am I supposed to live it? What do I wear everyday? What do I do with my time? Because I honestly can't for the life of me figure out these things by myself. So I guess when they say it's okay to be lost and not know where and how stranded you are exactly, I should let myself believe them. I'd lose my mind, otherwise. And all I wanna do now is feel awesome (song reference lmao).

Also, I apologise profusely for the late update, I've been struggling to get my phone back over the past few days, and today my mum finally returned it to me, albeit very unwillingly. She's been really, really difficult this past month, and I know she has hopes from me, but what would pushing me achieve? God, I am so frustrated right now. Deep breaths.

Alright, with that said (quite unnecessarily), I take your leave. See you folks next time? ❤️