Note to Readers: Ana is the general name for the feeling and thoughts associated with the eating disorder, anorexia. A lack of appetite or an overall lack of eating. Either is considered anorexia. Ana, to me, is a part of my side, Norma. So you'll be seeing a lot of her in this. Also, this isn't in chronological order. I'm a mess. This is how my brain works. I apologize.

Warning: Self hate, self deprication, hunger, Ana, anorexia (pretty tame levels)

—

You've been eating a lot all day. Skip dinner, you'll be fine.

I mean there is a point here. You don't have to eat all meals of the day and you have eaten a lot. You feel full. You don't have to eat dinner if you don't want to.

Exactly.

"Dinner's ready!" My mom called, nodding over to the table of food my aunt had cooked. It looked so good. My stomach lurched a bit. Half of me saw with my eyes, but the logical part of me reminded me that I didn't need to eat. I didn't exorcise a lot and had to watch myself. I don't want to gain a bunch of weight.

"I'll pass. I've had  lot to eat today." My mom gave me a quizzical look. She knew about my old habits. I rolled my eyes. "Seriously mom I'm not even hungry."

"Okay..." and she moved to get food for herself and the little kids.

My eyes landed on the candy. Not an entire meal, and homemade. My aunt had made those too. They looked delicious.

Um, no. We skipped dinner because eve had too much to eat today.

And now we're allowed to eat a few pieces of candy. Shush.

I took a few pieces. It was very good.

You're disgusting. We skipped dinner so you could eat candy?

Well we would have had both before....

You seriously have no self control. You're getting pretty chubby sweetheart. How do expect anyone to be attrcaticted to a butterball?

I'm not that bad. We've already established that guys tend to like thick girls anyway.

Oh really? Seriously? Where did you get that idea?

Erick.

The guy who used you because he was lonely and bored? Not a god example?

Gage.

...Okay. Fair example. He only wanted you for your body though. You guys were friends with benefits. The not-so-innocent kind.

We didn't do anything.

Doesn't mean you weren't planning too.

So what? The point is that I can be thick and attractive.

That's one guy though. One horny guy. You only want to attract horny guys?

I... No. Of course not.

Whatever. Ignore me. I'm just saying...

"You okay?"

I looked up, forcing myself to smile. "Yeah, totally. Just lost in thought."

"What about?"

"School, mainly," I flat out lied. And so the rest if the night went. I ignored that Norma was bugging me in the way she was bugging me again. I ignored that Norma was Ana bugging me. I ignored that sick feeling in my stomach. I smiled and laughed and listened to music and pretended that my growing anxiety was due to the full day in the car with my entire family. It worked. For now.

—

HE IS HOLDING OUR HAND.

We know, Regina.

OKAY OKAY BUT LIKE.

LOOK HOW TINY OUR HAND LOOKS IN HIS! AWWWWWWWWW!

Let's calm down. We don't want him to know that we're lowkey freaking out.

EVEN YOU'RE SMILING, TRAIN.

You're making it hard not to be giddy please. It's making me nervous.

You're always nervous.

And you're always a pain. So what?

THIS IS SO CUTE!

Why are we all freaking out so much he's just holding our hand.

I KNOW BUT AHHHHHHH!

Seriously? Please stop.

Okay okay. Deep breaths. I'm fine. Ignore me. *trips over nothing* I'm fine. Fine. Great. I'm -

Fine. We get it.

Aw come on Train, smile.

I... Wait. Norma? You okay?

I'm fine.

You sound as convincing as Reg. What's up?

I just... I can't help but... look! Look at our hands.

Yes they're very nice to look at.

Let's NOT stare.

No, I mean... not at our hands exactly. Look at our thighs. Look at them, okay?

Aaaaaaaand we're frowning. Why are we frowning?

Norma is upset.

It's not all Norma's fault. She hasn't even explained herself yet. What's wrong, Norma?

I just... I hate how our thigh looks. Friggin thunder thighs over here.

I mean... I guess. So what? Why focus on that?

Because - Never mind...

No, Norm, what's -

ALERT ALERT HE'S MOVING HIS FINGERS ALONG OUR HAND!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I leave for two seconds to pay attention to the lesson...

I hope you realize that no one else was paying attention.

WHAT? That means Aspen won't remember what happened!

...Oops?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Everybody calm the fuck down!

...Well great. Just great.

I'll just... leave...

BUH DUH DUH DUH DUUUUUUH! IM LOVING THIS!

Can someone please pay attention to class? Anyone?

Can we move our fingers too? And draw little shapes on his hand? Please please please please????

Oh my gosh okay. Okay. That's fine. He's doing it too so that hat should be fine. Hey, that's actually kinda nice.

I feel so preeeeeeeeettyyyyyyyyyyyy!!

I FEEL PRETTY! OH SO PRETTY! I FEEL PRETTY AND WHITTY AND G-

Aaaaaaand that's enough of that!

...Well we're hopeless.

Seriously I can't keep up with... Wait... Where did Norma go?

—

I lay on my side, smiling. My eyes were closed and I was half asleep. Pretending he was here again, so I could feel less alone and not have nightmares. It was a nice feeling. My arm draped over the side of me, hand restin on my stomach.

That feels gross.

What?

Feel your stomach. The fatty parts are all drooping to one side in this little bunched up - bleh.

I... It's not that bad.

But can you picture if he was REALLY here? If you guys were REALLY cuddling? He'd FEEL that.

Well, I suppose.

It's disgusting.

I suppose. I could loose a little weight. Maybe we'll start working out and eating better. Get in on mom's plan. She seems to be doing really well.

But working out takes energy. Energy we don't have o begin with.

Actually, working out provides energy and is actually suggested to those who suffer with anxiety or depression. It releases chemicals into your body - the same chemicals that are used to make you happy. It's very good for-

Nooooooooooooooo.

There was a pause.

That won't work. Plus, you have no control. You're disgusting.

I... I... I'm not.

Really? What makes you think that?

Dad says that I look pretty all the time.

Creepy.

Not like that you perve.

Okay fine. Bias.

My step dad doesn't give bias compliments. He is THE most unbiased person we know. Seriously. He insults us on singing and will point out if we look like crap or if my breath smells or-

You're making my point for me.

I'm saying that there are days where I slip up and am gross. But I'm not disgusting.

Yes you are.

No I'm not.

Too trying to be strong or whatever the hell and admit I'm right. Admit that you're on the bad levels of needing to loose weight.

I... I could lose weight, yes.

Well that's all I needed.

What? Norma, what did you mean? Norma? Norma? ...I ...Okay. Goodnight.

—

I DON'T WANT TO GET UP UGHHHHHHHH!

But it's morning, kiddo! The sun is shining! The air is crisp and cold! It's goigj to be a great day!

Maybe if you get on your iPad, then Quint will be up.

Um no. He hasn't been getting up until like noon. And he deserves sleep. Leave him alone geez.

Okay okay sure. But it's morning! Your mom needs you to watch the tiny kids anyway while she takes the less tiny kids to school.

AND FOOD. ITS FOOD TIME. LETS GO EAT.

HOLD UP.

What?

No. No food. Absolutely not.

Uh....

Why not Norma? It's morning time. We're hungry.

YES. LETS EAT.

It would be very healthy for us to eat a good kroning meal. It offers energy and nutrition we'll need through the day to-

No. Absolutely fucking not. I will destroy you.

UHHHHHH...

Woah, Norma. Let's not...

Don't eat. Don't eat. Do not eat. I swear to all things good and holy and bad and dirty and everything in between I will make this day hell if you eat. No today. Do not do this today.

UHHHHHH!!!

Reg?

Hm?

Message Quint. Now.

BUT-

YAAAAAY!

Cato what's going on? I don't feel so god right now.

UHHHHHHUHHHHHHHUHHHHHH!!!!

I'm having a hard time processing. What IS wrong, Norma?

We ate so much yesterday. No no no no nononononononono! No!

Okay. Okay. Let's calm down. We'll skip breakfast. We don't need that. But-

NO! NONONONONONONONONONO! NO LUNCH EITHER! No food!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I... I...

HE RESPONDED.

EVERYONE BE QUIET. Focus on that. Focus on that. Everyone calm down.

No... no.... no....

I.... I don't feel good.

Neither do I.

WHOOOOO HOOOO!

...Oh my gosh..

—

Hey, look. I'm sorry I freaked out earlier.

Please keep it down I have a headache.

It's okay, Norma. We got through it. We understand that we all have needs. It's fine.

Lunch time?

Well I mean, if you want to.

YAY!

I just...

Oh no.

Listen okay? I just thing... maybe this isn't a good idea. We REALLY don't need to be eating regularly. We were eating snacks before and doing just fine.

Why are you so involved and worried in this weight thing again?

I thought we were over this?

I just... I just don't think that we look good. We look ugly and gross and disgusting. No one can like someone who looks like that. It's nasty.

I don't.., understand?

What if Quint stops liking us because he realizes that we're... gross?

We already bug him a lot... Let's not add to those insecurities, shall we?

Despite that, it's completely illogical that he would suddenly stop liking us simply because we are the same weight we've been since the beginning of the year. Plus, we already established that he isn't just going to be dropping us for no reason.

I - I know. I just... I mean, we could be prettier.

I mean, he obviously is already attracted to us in some way.

Can we just take a rest for now? I'm exhausted and my anxiety levels are rising again....

I... I... no one is listening to me! Aspen is very attached to Quint, okay? I don't want him to think badly of her....

And we get that. We're simply saying that we won't. I don't think we're that chunky that it would ever be a problem. Again, yes, we could lose some weight and still be healthy and even look pretty good. But we're okay where we are.

I... I.... I hate this.

Me too. Can we stop for now?

Fine. Whatever. I'll go. I know where I'm not wanted.... Whatever.

Norma-

Well that went well.

Splendidly...

—

Gross. Disgusting. Fat. Ugly. Unattractive.

I didn't feel good. I didn't feel goo at all.

Not the physical kind of not good. Not like nauseated or sick or anything.

The emotional kind of not good. Like my SOUL was sick.

Stop being so gross. Stop being so disgusting. Stop being so fat. Stop eating.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Damn it. No. This was bad. This was very very very bad. It's coming back. Oh no. Nonononono. Crap.

Stop eating. Stop eating. Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop!

I... I...

Oh no.

—

Closing Note: I didn't know how else to end this. It's a sad ending, but it's also still something I struggle with. There is not end to this part of my life yet. Hope you guys are all having a good day. I'm too emotionally exhausted to write any more. Sorry. See you next chapter :)

              - Aspen

Future Edit: I have actually conquered my ED. I don't know if it will ever go away completely for others like it did for me, but I can tell you it was not at all easy and I went through absolute hell tearing myself down and destroying everything to completely rebuild myself all over again. But I did it. If you need to talk to anyone, I'm so willing to help others with/through it. Hold on, sweetheart. You're beautiful.