Note to Readers: "She loved so much, she lost herself." - Unknown

WARNINGS: depression, heart break, unrequited love, crying, self harm urges, self hate, delusion, desperation, mental break down- the fun stuff. :)

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Shoving my headphones in my ears, I closed my eyes tightly and turn the music up. Just my luck. "For Forever" from Dear Evan Hansen is the last thing I was listening to. The song sounds happy and wonderful out of context... but I know better. Evan, the main character, is creating an imaginary situation where he and Connor - another character, long story - are the best of friends and have a perfect day together.

Evan is so lonely that he get super into the fantasy and delves into his imagination, painting a warm picture of happiness and comfort and friendship. He makes a scenario of the thin he wants the most. A friend. A companion. Someone who care about him and wants him around.

How horribly relatable.

When I hear it, I think of him. I think of how I sit around and think about things that never happened. Or things that did happen, but how they could have gone differently. I don't have much to reflect on really. Just that one Wednesday and all those silly, now meaningless moments. All those things I was so desperate for that I over focused on them and forgot everything else. Like all of the reasons we were doomed to fall apart.

Namely: me.

Quoting songs by our favorite bands. Telling jokes no one understands except us two. And we talk and take in the view.

Closing my eyes, I let myself a moment to actually feel it. I slip far too easily in the memories and fantasies. We're walking nowhere, wandering around in the field by the school. Maybe heading to the bleachers. Maybe heading back from. Maybe ambling in between the two destinations aimlessly. He's smiling and I'm laughing. He puts his hand in his pocket but I don't notice, too busy looking forward and talking.

"Why is it wet?"

Looking over at him, startled, I ask, "What?"

Noticing my bewilderment, he moves to explain, holding up his hand that he'd taken out of his pocket. "My pocket... is wet."

Really, it's silly. And stupid. And we're probably being immature. From then on, though, that's the joke. Why is it wet? The word 'wet' can't come from either of our mouths. The question 'why is it' cannot even be implied without us exchanging looks. That's the joke. And it's hilarious to us.

I'm laughing. Eyes closed, thinking back on a time when SOMETHING was good.

All we see is sky for forever. We let the world pass by forever. Feels like we could go in for forever this way. Two friends, on a perfect day.

Another memory surface, followed by many more. A whole reel of memories about us exchanging music and talking about how they mean so much to us for whatever reason. Sharing tunes and talking and connecting. He single handedly changed my entire music taste. It's amazing really.

All these things that fill my head. These memories. They make me smile at first. Laugh. But then amusement turns to heartbreak as I remember. The fantasy crumbles and I open my eyes, staring ahead as my hand itches to text him. But I know it won't be the same. It won't be like those times. My problems and pains are now all about the loneliness I feel. Being unsure about how to feel and deal with my family, who so suddenly seemed to want to spend time with me just when I was set about writing them off and living the next years of my life as a completely cut off adult, leaving for college and never looking back. My job hurts, when I'm working every day except Sunday, super long hours where everyone is annoyed at me and I have early mornings and I'm surrounded constantly by fake smiles and stress and exhaustion and pain and all I want to do is put in earbuds but I can't because there's no point anyway. I have to be able to hear people call for tortillas or if they're telling me to get out of the way or just in general I need to know what's going on. My church, where the only good thing I had left - my best friend - is being taken from me because she's a leader and an adult and I'm a young woman and he's my leader and all of the alone time we've spent together and texting and calling and such is apparently "inappropriate." Because yes, be friends with your leaders. But at a distance. Otherwise we'll assume the worst simply because it's happened in the past before. My school. I'm moving schools. I'll be the new girl, my senior year. I've already decided to make no friends and just focus on grades. I've already become so consumed by the loneliness that iVe given up and school hadn't even started yet.

On top of it all, I miss him. I don't have my best friend. My partner in crime. My other half. He's probably going to be totally fine without me if I decided to move on. I would cry every night and never forget about him but I'd slip from him mind. Except on those lonely nights. Those stretches of time when no one will text or call or be as genuine as I was. Just while he's as lonely as he is now. Before some girl gets her head out of her ass and see all he is and she scoops him up and saves him and he never thinks of me ever again...

There's nothing that we can't discuss... he looks around and says to me, "There's nowhere else I'd rather be," and I say, "Me too."

Why is it so easy for me to see him? See us?

On the day when I was having a panic attack in the piano room and as he left, he paused and place a hand on my back and thought back to how he wished he'd followed me when I left so he could help. When he kissed me once and it felt amazing but then he came back to kiss me again because he wanted one more kiss before he left. And that was it. Someone wanted me and someone cared and whatever stupid and intrusive thoughts going through my head were suddenly gone and I was insanely happy.

The one time we sat on the bleachers, our arms on the bleacher behind the one we sat on as we held hands and I had to move super close to him so that it could work and not be awkward and weird. And, tucked into his side by his suggestion (through adorable flirting) had me quiet and blushing as my heart hummed a little 'wow' and my brain buzzed a huge 'yeah' and my body was super charged with happiness and peace.

Sneaking out from the play not to subtly after I lost my phone and all of my cast mates teasing me as I booked it to get changed and then leave because I'd been too excited to keep it to myself that he was here to watch me perform. Racing around like a chicken with my head cut off because I could FIND HIM and then just getting this FEELING and turning around to see someone, blurry and distant with my legally blind self in the dark of the nighttime. But, somehow, I knew it was him. Or maybe I just wanted it to be him so badly that I ignored the anxiety and approached him. His smile when he greeted me. My bubbliness after the extreme exhaustion I'd had only moments before. "Taking a walk" around the back of the theatre just so we could go somewhere private and be alone. Me reaching hungrily for a kiss and him dodging, smiling teasingly. And then sitting at a bench under a tree and finally getting to kiss him.

All the little things he did. The ya he touched me. The way he looked at me after we kissed. The way he breathed deeply when we were in the cold so that he wouldn't shake as I was. So that someone could be the stable one in our relationship.

Double meanings were a kick in the ass.

All we see is sky for forever. We let the world pass by forever. Feels like we could go in for forever this way. All we see is light for forever, cause the sun shines bright for forever; life will be alright for forever this way.

The way he pulled my hands out of my hair when I was holding it too hard, trying to hurt myself. The way he rubbed his thumb along my skin when we held hands.

Everything about that Wednesday. That day that I talked and wrote and remembered so often it was burned into my brain. Him stealing my breath quite literally just to get me to smile. The way he brushed away my apology over my silence because he understood how wonderfully overwhelmed I was. The way he couldn't stop kissing me, even when my dad was mad honking for me to get back to the car. The way his hand touched my  legs, wandering respectively. The way he touched my face. The way he quieted everything and made me smile for hours after.

Mind Palace stuff. Stuff with Hari, first off, with that pair sneaking into the movie theatre and making out and pushing limits and completely forgetting 101 Dalmatians playing on the screen.

Regina and... and... Just, them. Her joining him to quite literally, actually fight his demons. Fight him when he became his demons. How she she was so scared to lose him and she cleaned him up and he leaned on her and it felt so real. It felt amazingly REAL. When they'd exchange 'I love you's' and I felt like HE was telling it to ME. The way that Reg could stop the bad guy with just a hug. I still wonder if it really did happen like that. If that really did stop his pain, knowing I cared and loved him. Or if he just played it that way because awwwww cuuuuuuute.

And Norma. Oh man, those two. The TROUBLE. They've gotten INTO. Never play Seven Minutes in Heaven, kids. Especially when one of the people playing can make a time loops where they can spend eternity in one place and no actual time passes. Especially not then. The way he's amazingly unpredictable and wonderful. The way he's kind of mind blowing and insightful and wonderful. The way he was with her... sigh.

Oh and Vana. Oh my gosh they were ADORABLE. Honestly they're so awkward  and she likes him so much she can't think straight and he's so chill and cute and sweet and she's just FULL BLOWN HEART EYES. All she wants to do I be around him because she doesn't want to mess anything up and she still sit in silence or watch a stupid show or stare at the wall for hours she doesn't care. Ugh. They're so precious I miss them.

I miss them.

Ouch.

Moving on. Cato. Oh yes, them. The way she stuck on his mind relentlessly. The ya shed just listen or pop out of nowhere and brought out emotion in him that he couldn't control. The way she broke him out of his shell and excited him and wherever he wrote, he always accidentally incorporated her into his stories. Or when he read and he found himself being a character as usual and in the back of his mind he couldn't help but pin her as a character too and then just crazy ship those two characters because he shipped them. Like something Regina would do. The hours she kept him up just because he sat and thought about her. How she listened. How she cared. How she smiled and watched and listened and it was amazingly wonderful because someone actually cared. And all he wanted was to hear her voice as much as possible and get to know her better. Oh my gosh and then when she started to speak more. When he could hear her laugh and hear her speak again and again and he just wanted to sit and talk to her for HOURS...

The way all of my Aspects loved all of his.

The way I loved him.

Oh gosh.

And there he goes, raising towards the tallest tree... I hear him calling, "Follow me." So there we go, wondering how the world might look from up so high. One foot after the other. One branch then to another. I climb higher and higher, I climb until the entire the entire sun shines on me face!

Then I suddenly feel the branch give way. I'm on the ground, my arm goes numb. I look around. And I see him come to get. He's come to get me. And everything's okay.

All we see is sky for forever. We let the world pass by for forever. Buddy, you and I for forever this way... All we see is light; cause the sun burns bright. We could be alright forever this way. Two friends, true friends, on a perfect day.