Note to Reader: I'm sorry. Feeling like crap. Thought I'd dump it on a platform where not many people will see it and get worried. Sorry. Kind of an AU thing I guess. I'm sorry.

Warnings: Suicide. Topic.

Step one: you say we need to talk.

Fingers wrapped around my upper arm. Defensively, I pulled my arm away but then it registered that the touch meant there was another person and I immediately plastered on a friendly smile, turning to face who had reached out to me. One of my hands rose to gently maneuver one of my earbuds out of my ear. I smiled as I recognized the friendly face. "Hey, Reg."

Regina Blu, one of my best friends, smiled back at me. "Hey, Ree. You okay? You seemed really quiet today..."

Ree. The nicknamed warmed my heart. All of my friends just called me Hari, but Regina had to be different and special, so she got her own nickname that didn't remind me of my full name. Ree. It made me warm inside, the only comfort I'd had recently. She deserved comfort and happiness too. She didn't deserve to worry about me. "Me?" I asked innocently, as if confused. "I'm fine, Reg. I always am." I smiled brightly but she looked unconvinced.

Quizzically scanning my face, Reg took my hands in hers. "You know you can tell me anything right, Ree? Really, I'm here for you. And I've seen you in class. Falling asleep. Zoning out. Doodling mindlessly. All you do these days is write your stories and draw and you hardly ever look up. You never even talk in class. Miss Sunshine is... cloudy."

A laugh bubbled up from me, genuine and warm, which seemed to put Regina at ease a lot. "I'm just really tired, hun," I cooed. "But thank you for the concern. I've been stressed about school and haven't been sleeping well. You know I get hard on myself for no reason." Reg nodded, her eyes seeming to scream, 'you have no idea' which made me smile a little more.

Nodding, satisfied, I turned to walk away. "I love you," Regina rushed. "See you tomorrow?"

My smile faltered and I got the sudden urge to turn and snap at her, 'no you don't, you liar. You don't even know what love is.' Instead, forcing a smile as my eyes welled up with tears so suddenly I surprised myself, I forced out a clear, calm, "I love you too, sweetheart." And then I forced myself to calmly leave the school, get into my car, and drive at a regular pace until I was well out of sight from the school. Once I was, my hands tightened on the wheel until my knuckles were white and 5e tears started falling.

What the heck is WRONG with me? I mentally snapped at myself. I am fine.

I have to be fine.

With that, I took the rest of the drive home to compose myself before plastering on another too-fake smile and getting out of my car, getting ready to face my parents.

I'm fine. I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine. I'm fine.

I said it until I believed it. If I believed it, they would too. That's all that mattered.

He walks, you say: "sit down, it's just a talk." He smiles politely back at you, You stare politely right on through.

"Hari sweetie?" I heard my on call.

Rolling of my bed and sliding to my door across my wood floors with my socks on, I stopped myself on the door and then pulled it open, grinning as I called back, "Yeah, mom?"

There was a second's pause. Just as I was about to yell back another, louder affirmative response to make sure she knew I'd heard and reacted, I heard her speak again. "Hunny, your friend Norma is on the phone?"

Confused, I jogged into the living room where my mother's voice had come from. She held the phone out to me, seeming as unsure as I was. My friend? Norma and I weren't friends. Norma had bullied me when I was younger. Pushed me around and harassed me every chance she got. It stopped once we got into high school and I hadn't told anyone about it ever, recently she had been making attempts here and there. The last few months she'd shot me smiles and had even asked one day if I was okay. I figured us acquaintances, but my mom wouldn't know that. Why would she call Norma my friend?

Norma Redd. Calling my house. At... My eyes flickered to the clock. Almost midnight. Okay.

Pressing the phone against my ear, I whispered, "Hello?"

"H-Hari?" My eyes went wide. Norma's voice was wet and broken. She'd been crying. My mom was already out of the room, not caring enough to stay rather than being generous enough to give me privacy with a person she didn't know I associated with. A person our entire small town had marked the ultimate reject.

Worry bubbling up in my stomach, I tried to align all of my thoughts. I couldn't let my emotions override my thoughts. Norma obviously needed help and if she was asking it from me, she had no one else to ask it from. "Norma? What's wrong?"

Norma took a deep, shaky breath in. "Hari, I'm so sorry to bother you I just- I can't breathe. And I can't stop crying. Oh gosh Hari I've been trying to develop a real friendship with you but you're so friendly I've been scared to. You're so perfect and happy all the time and I used to hate you because of it but I knew that you could help me please- please don't hang up. But if you did I would understand."

Shaking my head, I tried to catch up with her. "Norma, what's going on? As of this very second we are officially friends and friends could never bother me. Talk to me, hun." I smiled, knowing that she'd be able to hear it warm my voice and round my tone and it would make her feel more at ease.

Another deep, wet breath. "I'm a terrible person, Hari."

When the girl paused for a long time, Hari spoke up. "Why do you think that?"

"I know, Hari. I know."

Keeping my voice even, I repeated, "Why do you think that, Norma?"

Oh gosh Norma was crying... "I'm a terrible sister. I'm so angry and abusive and terrible to my little siblings. They're scared of me. Gosh they're actually scared of me. My mom left for a date and I was set up to babysit them and- and my little sister, she cried and pleaded. And my youngest sister was full out sobbing. They were terrified to be left wi5 me, Hari. They're scared of me. Genuinely. Really. Scared. And my parents - ugh, I'm a terrible daughter. I make their lives so hard and I'm so angry and hateful towards them. And my friends? I mean, I have one other than you and I don't know why he deals with me. Everyone else keeps their distance and pat me on the head and pretend to know me enough to say that I'm a good person and that I deserve happiness and that the suffering of the people in my life that I cause with my endless, insatiable wrath isn't my fault and I'm always skipping class because people set me on EDGE. And I'm always snapping peoples' heads off and pushing people away and-"

"Norma," I interrupted firmly. She gasped, her breaths shallow and harsh and weak. "Norma I want you to listen to me." Now that I'd gotten her attention, my voice was soft and warm again. "I won't say you're a good person or that you're wrong. I don't know you. But I want to say that you can say that we are friends and no matter what, I won't be going anywhere. Just he fact that you're here, talking to me, right now, shows that you're repentant. The only advice I have for you right now is just to try to be better and take it one day at a time. You and me, okay? Can you do that for me? Take it one day at a time with me?"

For a second all Norma did was breathe. And then her breathing became weird, like her mouth was moving away and closer and further and back again very quickly. Maybe she was nodding her head? "Yeah, okay."

I smiled. "Great. Norma?" The girl hummed in response. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

A pause. "I don't think so. You- you cared. I didn't think you would care. That's more than enough. That you cared."

Smiling to myself, I held my breath as not to laugh in relief like I wanted to. "Anytime, sweetheart. I care about everyone."

My farewell was cut off as Norma thoughtfully asked, "Doesn't that get tiring?"

Oh. My smile fell as my mind reeled. My self doubt was filling in again and I wanted so badly to crumble and admit that, yes. Yes it was. It was so hard. Save me. Instead, I just chuckled. "Not really. I have a big heart."

There came a tired chuckle and I weakly smiled, my eyes watering. No. Don't cry. Not right now. Not over this. You're strong. You have a big heart. Keep caring, keep strong. Come on Hari pull yourself together.

Norma sighed, making me blink, a single year falling from my eyes. You weak, emotional piece of garbage. "I'm gonna head to bed, okay? I... I don't know why, but you answering the phone and being so kind to me. It made everything okay. I guess I just needed a real friend. Thank you, Hari."

Swallowing in order to clear my throat, I responded, "Anytime, darling." It came out more clearly than I expected and more confident than I felt. Which was a relief. "I'll talk to you tomorrow?" Norma hummed a confirmation then hung up. I put the phone down and then moved to my room slowly, my feet dragging. I closed my door silently and then moved to my bed, sinking down into it.

Feelings of immense negativity and self hate filled me. It always did when she helped someone. Just talking to her relieved others of their pain... and, at the same time, seemed to give it all right to her.

She covered her face as more tears fell.

Weak. Emotional. Stupid, stupid.

Some sort of window to your right. As he goes left, and you stay right - between the lines of fear and blame; you begin to wonder why you came...

My mother sighed and sat next to me as I worked on homework, sitting Indian Style on her couch with music playing softly on the TV. Yiruma's "Maybe" was paused as I looked up at her, smiling kindly as I gave her my full attention, removing all distractions respectfully. "Hari, what's wrong?"

Confused, I chuckled. "What do you mean? I'm just doing homework."

She nodded. "Yeah, but you haven't said a word since you came in. You sat down the second you walked in the door and started doing homework. You didn't talk in the car. You didn't ask how anyone's day was or crack any jokes or even play music on the stereo to fill the silence like you always fill the need to. You just sat and red your book and smiled softly and it seemed a very... detached thing for you to do."

Faking an at ease appearance, I forced my body to relax. "I'm sorry I wasn't attentive mom. I just had a long day and needed a break to read for a second. I haven't had much time to do so. And I have a lot of homework, so I figured I'd get it out of the way so that I could be more helpful and less stressed. How was your day?"

An appreciative grin brightened my mother's features. "Oh sweetheart you're so precious." She touched my cheek. "What did I do to deserve you?" The question was soft and I got the impression she just wanted me to smile, so I did. "Your dad has been at work all day, so... I've been here with the kids. As usual."

I peeked up. "Do you want to watch your show? I can take my homework into the kitchen." Her face fell and I realized my mistake. "I can take the kids off of your hands and you can go to the movies with Krista. I hear there's a wonderful new movie out and I bet you'd love to see it. Midnight Sun. It's one of those cheesy romance movies you love."

My mom grinned and I knew I'd succeeded. "Would you really take them for me?" I nodded.

Less than an hour passed and she was gone. I hadn't gotten all my homework done and she'd asked me to tidy the house while she was gone since the kids would be asleep but- sure. Okay. This was okay.

When my mom returned, I had just finished cleaning and was sitting down to start my homework again. She'd been gone for three solid hours and the last fourth-five minutes I'd been studying for the math and science tests tomorrow. I was pretty sure that I would do well on the science test, since my teacher allowed notes and I'd been cramming a lot to study as much as possible. But, as she walked in, I'd been going over my math notes and homework and review when she announced. "Wow it's late. Bed time, Hari."

My eyes moved up to her, stressed and exhausted and irritated at the nonsense in front of me. "But I'm studying."

She shrugged. "You should have studied while I was gone. You need rest, Hari."

Now, I was a gentle person. Thoughtful. Kind. I didn't get angry and lash out. I didn't. But, in that moment, all the stress and exhaustion and depression - wow, I was finally admitting I had that to deal with - finally must have gotten to me because I snapped. "I need rest? I NEED REST? You know what, Mom? Go to the movies again so that I can get some rest from your BULLSHIT?" My vision seemed to overflow and glow and blind me with fluorescent red so that I couldn't see anything else.

Shocked beyond all belief, my mom actually stumbled back. "Excuse me?" She gasped.

I stood, my hands fisted and shaking. "I wasn't just lazing around while you were gone, mom. I was cleaning house and studying for my science test and finishing homework. I have not stopped GOING since I got home. I got maybe twenty minutes to read before I was going again. So, no, I can't go to sleep because I'm hyped up on adrenaline and stress. So why don't YOU go to sleep mom and just leave me alone."

One second I had the upper ground and the nest my head was snapping to the side as my eyes shot wide. After a second, both of us catching our breaths, I realized my cheek was stinging. My hand rose up to my face, my finger tips gently grazing the irritated area of skin. Shock hit me like I'd run my car straight into a brick wall as I realized what had just happened and came back to my senses.

Trying not to have any pride or anger, I turned to my mom. Her eyes were water and her face was twisted in rage. Her hand by her side was tinted with the same red that I assumed burned on my cheek. "I- I'm sorry. That- that was- I'm sorry." Putting my stuff down, I moved to my room, leaving her looking after me, so unsure on what to do that she just... let me go.

In my room I sat in bed and stared at the ceiling until a numb feeling settled into my very bones and I couldn't feel anything. Then, at some point after that, I finally fell asleep.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend, somewhere along in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known: how to save a life.

My feet tapped nervously as I looked up and down the hall frantically, eyes wide and heart racing. Finally I saw the rich brown waves and the vibrant green eyes, almost luminescent against her red, splotchy cheeks and blood shot eyes. My arms opened and she ran into my arms, sobs already overtaking her. I held her hard against me, burying my nose in her hair. I tried to soothe her with cooing and soft, rhythmic hushing instead of words, holding her rather than telling her or asking her anything.

Regina's hands wrapped around my waist, hands gripping my shirt, finger tips slightly pressing into my back. I held her close to me, taking in the amazing feeling of her touching me and me helping her as I was comforting her with my presence.

She sobbed and sobbed and I patiently waited, not wanting her to ever let go. Eventually she did calm down though and when she backed away I felt a part of m scream for her to come back. I pushed it down and faced her, not even faking a smile but wearing a fully sad and concerned expression. "Tell me everything."

I placed my hand on the small of her back as she clung to my other arm and we walked up the steps to my house, went inside, and then moved down the stairs to my room. I sat her on my bed next to her and pulled her into me as I lay down. She buried her face in my neck and we stayed quiet a little longer. I'd asked and she would tell me when and if she wanted to.

Finally, she gasped, catching her breath to speak. "I love him. And he's gone."

My mind conjured the 'him' immediately and I frowned. "I know sweetheart. I know..."

"...Can't get his face out of my head," she mumbled. "His really dark brown eyes. Constant and really pretty. His hands. How it felt to hold his hand, or kiss him." Her voice grew soft and quiet and I didn't stop her but I frowned. "His short, dark hair. A, let black. Hiss smile. His loud laugh. I didn't even process when he said... when he left..." she hiccuped. "Mom says he left because I was too open and clingy. That it's my fault. I think she's right."

I almost missed that last part. But I didn't. "It's not your fault, Reg. I think you could get a little better at the romance thing but you've never been in a real relationship. You've never had a real, acting relationship and you just lost your grandma - the only person who you connected to and trusted. Is gone. Sweetheart, falling apart is the process. Other than me, you really don't have anyone else."

Regina sniffed. "What would I do without you, Ree?"

My face went blank. We could always find out... "Good thing you'll never have to know."

She looked up at me, face even more splotchy and her eyes puffy and red. "You promise Ree? You and me forever, no matter what?"

Forcing a smile, I nodded. "I promise."

And I don't break my promises. Ever.

Well... there's a first time for everything.

Let him know that you know best (Cause after all, you do know best), Try to slip past his defense without granting innocence.

"Sweetheart?" My mom cooed.

My anger swelled. "Not right now mom."

She frowned, rubbing the back of her neck. "I think you need to take a break from all of this stuff, Hariette." I flinched but I knew she didn't notice. No one ever did. Because I didn't let them when it mattered, and they blinded themselves the rest of the time.

Putting my stuff down to give her my attention, I looked up. I focused on harnessing my growing irritation and anger. I wouldn't lash out at her again. "What stuff, mom?"

Her eyes met mine, determined. "The internet. This writing fan fiction and business of internet friends. Twitter and Tumblr and other social media's." She waved her hands. My face paled.

"But mom-"

"No," she snapped. "You're addicted. It's stressing you out. You're done." She held her hands out and I had no choice but to hand over my devices so she could alter the parent restrictions. "This is best, sweetheart. I know it's going to be hard now, but I know what I'm doing."

And just like that...

One of the only things keeping me going -

Gone.

Lay down a list of what is wrong, the things you've told him all along. And pray to God he hears you. And I pray to God he hears you!

Regina's eyes were burning with worry. "You've been quiet. Reclusive. Dead weight. Out of it. Unfocused. You don't ever turn homework in or pay attention in class. You're falling asleep and daydreaming in conversation. You're on another planet. In another universe. We're here in the Milky Way, Hari. Where here on Earth. You're not eating or talking or sleeping or laughing or smiling or LIVING. Hun you're barely surviving... Where are you, Hari? Why aren't you with us?"

My eyes found hers. Gone, I wanted to whisper. So desperately. I wanted to SO BADLY. "I'm right here, Reg," I said instead, forcing a tired smile. "I promise. I'm right here."

She leaned forward, looking me in the eye and leaning close, her flat palms on the desk I sat at. "You promise?" Her voice was low and her vibrant green eyes were churning like light falling across a field of grass in summer as the blades shifted with the blowing of the wind. She looked at me with such intensity that I knew she was checking my honor. I never broke a promise. I meant what I said and said what I meant. When I gave my word, I gave my everything.

Expect... my everything was gone. I had nothing standing for her to question and call to the surface to keep me in check and force me to be honest to her. So I lied. Easily. "I promise."

She sighed, completely at ease. "Okay. But seriously, Hari. Get more sleep. You're falling asleep in English. That's a new low."

I nodded. "Anything for you."

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend, somewhere along in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known: how to save a life.

My feet fell silently as I moved humbly through the hallway. I'd just finished watching Thirteen Reasons Why. Finally. By myself. At night. When my emotions were high and messy and wrecked. When my empathetic abilities were at their highest and I could feel all of her feeling through the screen. When I could be hit the hardest at my most vulnerable, experiencing the suicide on the show without a single filter.

I already felt dead...

Why not just finish it up?

My feet carried me to the kitchen where I reached up, onto my toes. My fingers wrapped around the bottle I was seeking for and I pulled it down slowly. Robotically. I brought it to eye level, taking in the label before using both hands. One to hold he bottle, one to twist the cap off. I didn't even pause once the bottle was open, bringing it to my lips and already beginning to tilt my head back.

But then my phone went off.

So,thing inside pulled at me. Tugged. Pushed.

Check it.

Someone could be in trouble.

Putting the bottle on the counter, I pulled my weirdly continent phone out of my back pocket, eyes landing on the preview of the text displayed on the lock screen. Of all people - It was Cato...

From: Cato.
Hey so... that girl. The one who hangs out with Quint who Regina basically dotes on and Jay, the funny kid Vana has a crush on. Her name is Archia. Do you know... well this is kind of silly but I... don't know... how to talk to her.

Intrigued, Hari tilted her head, typing a response.

From: Hari
Do you... like her?

From: Cato
Uh... maybe? I don't know I'm not sure yet. Feelings are weird and hard to understand. I didn't think I even had any until an hour ago. Will you help me or not?

And so that night Cato's crush on an intriguing girl that pulled heart strings he didn't know still worked saved me life.

I didn't know how to feel about that.

As he begins to raise his voice, you lower yours and grant him one last choice: "Drive until you lose the road" Or "break with the ones you've followed" - He will do one of two things. He will admit to everything, or he'll say he's just not the same - And you'll begin to wonder why you came...

Rolling out of bed as my alarm blared, I groaned quietly. My tired eyes landed on my clock. 6am. Yikes. I sighed and moved to my clock, turning the alarm off. Then, weighed down by exhaustion, I got ready. I changed out of my pajamas and into a bright dress that made me glare at the mirror but I knew would help me carry by cheer facade later. I straightened my hair, did my makeup. Put my shoes on. Made sure I had everything packed up and ready to go for school. It was when I went upstairs to eat breakfast and then brush my teeth when 6:30 am hit that I was confronted by my mom.

Stopping short, I rose an eyebrow at her dark expression. "Good... morning," I greeted quietly.

Unappeased, she shook her head. "Hari, What is going on with you?"

My shoulders sagged. No.... No, it was too early for this. I couldn't take this attack yet. Please. Please no. "Mom-" I began, openly pleading I was so desperate.

But, nope. She wasn't having any of it this morning. She looked as tired as I felt and we were both completely and totally done. It was only a matter of time... "Hari," she snapped. I met her eyes. "You can either get your act together by yourself or with my help. Something is wrong and I am trying to help you. Where do you think this is going to take you? Where do you think, Hari? Do you want to end up like some phsycho in a ward? Let me help you."

Facing the choice of opening up or ending up in a ditch somewhere, I realized that's aid rather just stay quiet and hear her rant and stand there. So I did. And rant she did. I stood there and took all her ranting and anger and pain and worry with absolutely no emotion or response what so ever. I stood there and gave her a blank stare and once she finished, tears streaming down her face and her skin blotchy and red and her eyes wide and her hands shaking and her expression frazzled and exhausted and her hair messed up with how much she held onto it or ran her hands through it or teased it or fiddled with it -

After she finished, she realized that I was reviving... none of it. Not a single word. Not even the tiniest emotion. Nada. "What do I have to do?" She asked me helplessly.

I sighed out of exasperation more than anything. "Nothing, mom. I'm not asking you to do anything. I never was." I touched her arm, giving the fakest friendly smile I'd ever given anyone. My body was numb and empty but I smiled and comforted her anyway. "You don't have to worry about me. Really. I'm stressed and feeling overwhelmed and I'm pulling away so much because I just need some space and time. You're not doing anything wrong and the best thing you can do is just... give it to me. Give me that space. That time. It'll all sort itself out."

She looked at me. Really looked. It shocked me. To be honestly looked at. No expectations, no predetermined ideas. No bs. Not looking for something, creating what wasn't there in order to see what she wanted, needed, or thought she would. Just quiet, honest, really looking.

After a second, her face fell. She gave up. Stepping away, she sighed, rubbing her face. "Okay. Goodnight Hari."

"Goodnight mom."

And that was that.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend, somewhere along in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night ad I known how to save a life how to save a life... (x4)

I sat by myself, arms keeping my knees against my chest as I stared ahead, stare blank and empty. My phone pinged, letting me know that Regina was texting me. Again. Another ping, a different text tone. Hari. Another. Cato. Another. Vana. Regina again. Regina. Vana. Regina. Regina. Cato. Norma. Regina. At one point they someone called me.

Recently, Cato, Vana, and Norma had joined mine and Regina's duo friendship and we'd all become a group. With more friends though, it made it harder. Harder to be ignored. Harder to keep this empty numbness a secret. Harder to hide. Harder to keep quiet. Harder to have so many people think I was perfectly okay and harder to admit I wasn't. Especially when Norma and Vana needed comfort at their own times and when Cato needed a safe place to go wen people got too much. Especially when people needed her. It made her decision so much harder...

Despite her hesitation, though, as the days passed, it had gotten even easier for her to disassociate and stay separated. To stay away. Today was Vana's mother's birthday party and we'd all been invited. We'd all planned it together and gotten it set up but I hadn't told my mom anything about it and last second I decided that no. Today I didn't have the will or want or ability to get up and socialize and laugh and smile and be fake. Not when the sweet, quiet woman deserved a genuine and happy atmosphere for her birthday party. The woman who made me cookies and pinched my cheek and cracked jokes that usually only I caught. Not that woman. No. I would stay away and let her have the good day she deserved.

Eventually my phone stopped going off and I relaxed into my bed. Quiet at last.

This all made it so hard.

Fortunately, slowly, it was becoming easier and easier.

Slowly...

But surely.

How to save a life... How to save a life...

At this point I was almost gone.

Almost free.

Almost...

And then I met him.

And damn. That changed everything.

-

A/n: This is total garbage and I'm done with it. Eventually this was going to end differently but I'm only just introducing this idea and I don't want to already kill off one of them so... yeah. Here's the ending. Bye.