#FedUp

"It isn't giving up, it's knowing that getting tired is okay."

-x-

Since the day Jhing knew white lies can ruin her; nagtatrabaho nang mabuti si Tatay para sa atin kaya hindi siya nakauwi, as told by her Nanay, convincing herself and the children - Jhing's lips opted to produce words with full honesty. Ayaw na kasi niyang bigyan pa ng false hope ang iba kung pwede namang sabihin ang totoo; parehas lang namang masakit.

She has felt it before, no one deserves the feeling.

But waking up with a heavy heart and the news that Miko left early in the morning made Jhing wish Yel lied to her.

"Hinatid ni Tatay sa terminal," Yel said making Jhing's heart churn. "Nagpaulan din daw kasi kagabi si Kuya kaya mas okay na raw na umuwing Maynila."

A petty feeling, yes, but Jhing's blood boiled because of the truth: her only salvation was far away from her because of the person she needed to be saved from. Anong karapatan nito para pauwiin si Miko? Mas lalo siyang naasar, gusto niyang umuwi na rin sa apartment but her body declined to move.

She felt a lot more tired, helpless. . .empty.

And maybe. . . maybe she expected Miko to call or text her, but nothing came up.

Pagkarating ng tanghalian, pinilit siyang gisingin ng mga kapatid. Hindi siya bumangon, o gumalaw man lang. Gusto niyang sumigaw na huwag niyo nga akong pakialaman! but ended up with tears. She was getting mad at them for no reason.

Nakakagago. She must stop the negative feelings but she couldn't.

"Ate Jhing." Letlet entered the room with a plate of lechon manok and rice on her hand. "Bili 'to ni Tatay! Kain naaaaa. Masaraaap!"

Mas lalong nawalan ng gana si Jhing.

He had money for lechon manok but none for hospital bills? Wow.

Walang nakapagpabangon sa kanya sa kama kundi ang sigaw ng Tatay niya pagkauwi nito. Nanakit ang tainga niya sa sigaw kaya nagmadali siyang bumangon para kumain ng hapunan.

She hadn't eaten anything since waking up but she wasn't feeling hungry at all - just empty.

The table had foods they didn't normally have - para bang may celebration - at nakakatawa lang na gumagastos ang Tatay niya sa ganito kung marami pang dapat pagkagastusan. As they ate, Jhing remained silent when her Tatay asked her a question from the sala.

"Kailan ang uwi mo sa Maynila?"

His voice stung in her ears; nakakapanibago at nakakatakot. It was like a nightmare - hearing his voice, seeing his face, and looking at him for more than a day. It has been a year the last time she saw him, but the buried pain was still there.

"Bukas."

Napalingon ang Nanay niya sa kanya. "Bukas na agad? Mag-isang linggo ka na rito. Namimiss ka na namin."

At ano, para araw-araw kaming magkikita ni Tatay? Last time na nangyari 'yun, halos palayasin niya ako dahil sa pagsusulat.

No thanks.

She kept silent and was surprised when her Tatay sat beside her, the seat where Miko sat before. Tahimik itong naghain ng pagkain para sa sarili. Her Tatay eating dinner with the whole family? Wow. Anong nakain nito, lechon manok? At sobrang tagal ba talaga niyang nawala sa bahay na hindi nagulat ang mga kapatid niya sa pagsama sa pagkain ng Tatay?

How her siblings can smile at the man beside her was way beyond her thinking.

Jhing stared at her plate the whole dinner. Hindi na siya nakialam sa usapan kahit nalaman niyang nagtatrabaho na rin ito, o sumusweldo, o uminom lang ito kagabi dahil despedida ng isang kaibigan. Bagong buhay? Hah. Last time she believed he was a renewed man, he was more violent when he got angry.

Binasag ng Tatay niya ang katahimikan nilang dalawa. "Dumito ka hanggang sa susunod na linggo," sabi nito. "Manatili ka muna sa bahay."

It was a command, not a plea, just like every single thing he said the past years since she was a kid; like a commander to his soldier - far from a father to his daughter.

Jhing closed her eyes thinking that maybe. . .maybe she didn't want to be a soldier anymore. . .that maybe. . .maybe what she desired for a father to ask her if she was okay and not a commander who orders her to be okay.

But of course, she couldn't have everything she wanted.

The following days, Jhing had a routine: do nothing, ignore everyone, keep silent or else: hurt loved ones with snarky words which will only make her cry in the end, and read stories. Ni hindi nga siya makaligo kahit gusto niya maligo. Ayaw maki-cooperate ng katawan niya.

Sa mga araw din na 'yon, there were no texts or calls from Miko to save her from the chaos inside her; she was losing hope.

Sabi na, eh.

She couldn't be saved just like how she expected. The rain even proved that to her, and objected her giving up and surrendering to Miko.

No one can save her.

After not bathing for four days, she passed by a body mirror and saw her reflection, wrecked and soulless; like a zombie in human flesh trying to be a person but failing miserably.

She hated what she could see and cannot see. Her soul was full of hatred, and it felt like it was burning her alive. To smile was a futile attempt. Kahit ang labi niya, mabigat - hindi na niya maiangat kahit ang gilid nito. Her hair was messy just like her face and clothes for four freaking days.

Looking down, she stared at the scar on her thigh; healed, not painful, but ugly on her eyes and will last for the rest of her life.

She was great at hiding her emotional turmoil but looking at the mirror, her outside self was screaming chaos.

Umuwi siya ng Manila pagkarating ng Sabado, when her Tatay wasn't at home. Sinabi pa nga ng Nanay niyang hintayin ang Tatay, but of course, Jhing wouldn't do that. Excited siyang umuwi, at pagkahiga sa kama sa sariling apartment, kahit mag-isa - she felt free.

Gumaan ang bigat na naramdaman niya.

The next working day, Jhing expected to see Miko but he was absent for 3 days. The morning when Miko went to work, Jhing's head boiled remembering how he left her and didn't talk to her the past days. Although, when they passed by each other, kinabahan siya bigla sa hiya, so she ended up ignoring him.

Wrong move.

When the gang, leaded by Yayo, talked about Miko at lunch after random topics, it was Jhing's cue to stand up and walk away from the conversation. But was taken aback when she saw Miko on her place, sitting on her chair. Nainis na naman siya. . .but fuck! Wala siyang karapatang mainis!

The conflicting emotion was fucking her up.

Ignoring Miko's stare and attempt to talk, she spoke in the most casual tone she could muster, "e-excuse me. Magtatrabaho na ako."

Miko stood up. Pagkaupo ni Jhing, ramdam pa rin niyang nasa likuran ito habang sinisimulan niya ang pag-edit. She knew ignoring someone would make them leave eventually - but not Miko. Never Miko.

Kahit si July na babalik sana sa sariling pwesto, hindi muna bumalik dahil nandoon si Miko - giving them privacy in the public place.

"Hindi mo ako pinapansin," Miko said, his voice was tired just like his eyes. Tulad ng sinabi ni Yayo, Miko's stubbles on his jaw was an indication that he was too busy with other things. That he didn't have the chance to shave.

For a moment, Jhing wanted to know what was in Miko's mind.

"Busy lang ako."

After what she said, she wished her voice sounded softer. . . but it didn't.

"May nagawa ba ako?" he asked. "Dun sa joke ko? Sa pag alis-"

"Wala. Hindi." She cut him off. Her eyes started to burn. Na-strain lang ang mata niya. It wasn't because of tears. Nope. Not tears.

"Wala?" he asked. "Anong dapat kong gawin?"

Dumiin ang bawat pindot ni Jhing sa keyboard, trying to key in her comments. Nagpaulit-ulit siya sa pagbura ng mga salita dahil namamali siya sa spelling. When she read her comment, walang sense kaya dinelete na lang niya.

"Wala."

Shut up, Jhing.

"Jhing. Ano bang gagawin ko?"

Her tears were as stubborn as she was. A tear fell to her keyboard. Agad niyang pinalis ang iba pang nagbadya. She steadied herself, trying to act normal as her lips quivered. Yumuko siya kaunti.

"Wala nga." Shut the hell up, Riona Jayne! "Just don't." Pagsisihan mo 'to. "Wala kang dapat gawin." Tama na! You're hurting the both of you! Keep quiet! Silent! Tumahimik ka na! "Wala naman talaga dapat kasi in the first place."

"Ang gulo mo."

I know, she was dying to say. Ang gulo-gulo ko. Shit.

Lumingon siya sa gilid, saw Miko with her peripheral vision and said, "okay lang ba kung mamaya na?" Stop it. "Busy pa ako, eh."

Please, Jhing. Just. . .just shut up.

She heard him heave a long sigh before he walked away - not towards his cubicle but outside. Jhing bit her lip, felt the pain and tasted the blood on her peeling lips. The tears blurred her eyes, but she still continued working.

Miko did not show up the rest of the day.

Her name should be Riona Jayne "horrible, fucked up, and a mess - Jhing" Blanco.

The words perfectly fit her.

Jhing was feeling more like a zombie as days passed. Her officemates were aware of it but didn't make a move to ask out of respect. Hindi na rin siya nilapitan pa ni Miko, tulad ng sinabi niya - lumayo nga ito. Fuck. Gusto niya ito, di ba? This was her plan from the start - but because the universe loathes her, her only plan backfired.

Her heart broke into tiny pieces, she was getting tired of fixing it over and over again.

One week.

Two weeks.

Three weeks.

A month passed.

No one dared to initiate a conversation, or even a smile between them. Kahit magkasama sila sa iisang department, nilalayo nila ang tingin sa isa't isa, even Miko made it easier dahil madalang na itong pumasok sa office - home-based work na raw madalas. A silent agreement that talking to each other will hurt them more so they kept everything to themselves.

And it was killing Jhing inside. . .and the pain was greater than before.

"Jhing," Fall called her out of trance. Naki-overnight kasi siya kanila Fall para hindi siya mapag-isa at mag-overthink. Pero kahit may kasama, hindi niya mapigilang mag-isip. "May tanong ako."

"Ano?"

"What is depression?"

Parehas silang nakatutok sa screen - Fall on her laptop, Jhing on her phone - typing the updates of their stories on Wattpad. Maybe weird writing with someone, but it was much better than being alone.

As if on cue, an account Jhing was following posted something about depression. She read it loud, "It's like drowning." Ah, relate. "Only you see everyone around you breathing."

Fall smiled and typed in something on her laptop. A few minutes, she said, "Or maybe! You think everyone you see is breathing but the truth is, we're all drowning." Seconds after absorbing what Fall said, tumawa ito. "Syeeet. Na-nosebleed ako sa sinabi ko!" and just like a queen of topic changing, Fall nudged her. "Huy ah, sasama ka sa Anawangin natin! Huwag talkshit!"

"Oo na, sige," she surrendered.

Jhing tried to be casual at work.

Fall may actually be right; if she was drowning, maybe everyone do too. She's just too blind of her own sadness she couldn't see pass through the laughs and smiles of others. That maybe the others try to be happy, try to swim up, breathe air and avoid drowning.

But seriously though, Miko's smile was a lot more depressing than Jhing thought it would. Lahat kasi nginingitian nito . . . pwera sa kanya. When evening came, pinilit ni Yayo sumabay si Miko sa kanila pauwi dahil sa tagal nitong hindi pumasok. Yayo was the one who did the talking while July commented, kinukulit nila si Miko. Facio was with Jhing, nauuna sa tatlo.

Pagkasakay sa jeep, everyone looked at Miko who bid them goodbye.

"Uy, hindi ka ba sasabay?"

Miko smiled at Yayo and shook his head. "May nalimutan pala ako," his voice was low, nothing cheerful from the tone. "Mauna na kayo."

As Jhing looked at him with questions, he never looked back with answers.

Him, avoiding her, was fucking up her mind kahit ayaw na niyang masyadong isipin. Nothing to complain, it was a taste of her bitter medicine; though, she thought medicine heals pain. It doesn't.

Pagkarating sa apartment, Anna, her neighbor, knocked on the door and gave her a box.

"Pinadala kanina, ako na lang nag-receive."

"Thanks, Anna?" she said, unsure, and closed the door after the shared smile between them.

The box was heavy and wrapped with bond papers taped together.

Her mind repeated Miko's name, and his extravagant ways to surprise her - and she sure was surprised with the gift: a brand new laptop.

Pero pagkakuha ng punit na bond paper sa keyboard, the surprise she felt was an understatement. The gift was not from Miko and the readable and familiar handwritten letter proved it.

Nak,

Alam kong hindi ito sapat sa mga nangyari. Kung may oras din, paabot ang pasalamat ko sa pagtulong ng kaibigan mong si Miko. Wala talaga akong kaalam-alam sa mga ganitong teknolohiya.

Magamit mo sana ang laptop sa pagsulat at trabaho.

Tatay

A single letter, not dramatic or depressing, made Jhing felt like her heart dropped and a comforting hand held it: her Tatay's power over her.

To hug the laptop was a pathetic move, but she did. Marinig man siya ng mga kapitbahay, o pag-isipan man siya ni Anna na baka nabaliw na siya, she continued sobbing. Nilabas niya ang lahat ng nagtago sa puso niya, not knowing it was there at the first place. She knew she was angry, and sad, and longed for a father but she hates and loves him. Both hands clenched the laptop, holding it around her arms, as if hugging it was her lifeline and letting go will give her heart attack.

She curled up on her apartment's bed just like what she did back at their home. Ang pinagkaiba lang, sa bahay, hindi siya makaiyak at wala siyang maramdaman kung hindi bigat - pero sa paghagulgol habang naninikip ang dibdib sa apartment, as she repeat her sorry over and over again to everyone who can't hear her. Gumaan ang bigat sa loob pagkatapos.

Her tired eyes stared at the ceiling, her whole body was tired like she went to a battle and fought for years but the outcome wasn't what she expected; no one neither loses nor wins - the war didn't even exist.

Pero alam niyang hindi pa ito tapos. It will always be a cycle. The love and hate between her Tatay and hers.

She wanted to text her Nanay, para ipaabot ang pasasalamat. Or Miko, to tell something. . .but she ended up texting no one. Sabog siyang nagpunta kanila Fall the next day dahil sa weekend overnight nila. But instead of writing, Jhing asked for something.

"Pasampal nga ako."

Natigilan si Fall. "What?"

"Sampalin mo ako."

"Ha? Bakit?"

Jhing held Fall's arm. "Lakasan mo," she said and wanted to add, para matauhan na ako.

"Teka lang, seryoso ka ba?"

"Dali na!"

Shit.

Hindi siya prepared.

Bumakat ata ang kamay ni Fall sa pisngi niya. Her sight swirled a bit at parang nabingi siya sandali. "Ang sakit!" She caressed her burning cheek. Panay ang mura niya kaya lumayo si Fall at nagharang ng unan sa mukha.

"Uy pakyu ka," Fall said helplessly. "Ikaw nagsabi na lakasan ko! Wala akong kasalanan!"

Jhing stared at Fall; looking back, she didn't expect they would be friends - or close at that matter. Ito lang ang nagpumilit mangulit sa kanya, and maybe she let her guard down with Fall. Para kasing sabog but knew the right words to say. Fall knew when to get serious and when to joke around. Biglaan, like what she wanted for friendship. Bigla na lang magki-click. And who would have guessed an online friend's slap will let her feeling empowered much more to correct what she had wronged.

Although, she slapped Fall after - makaganti lang.

Sakit, eh.

"Problema mo ba?" Fall asked, touching her cheek with a red mark of Jhing's hand.

"Wala."

"Baliw?" Fall arched a brow. Natigilan si Jhing sa sunod na sinabi ni Fall. "Okay ka lang ba?"

Jhing laughed, remembering Miko avoiding her at all cost, every laugh tastes bitter. "Pag sinabi kong hindi, sasabihin mo ba na nandito ka lang sa tabi ko?"

"Lol." Tumawa si Fall. "May sarili akong buhay, beh. Hindi kakayanin. Pero kung gusto mo mag-rant o maglabas ng loob, carry lang. Pero may bayad na kung hihingi ka ng advice."

"I'm not asking for advice."

Tumango si Fall. "Oo nga. Hindi rin naman ako nagbibigay ng advice." When the two fell silent, Fall stopped what she was doing and added, "may realization kasi ako na para mailigtas mo ang isang tao sa depression, hindi mo siya dapat bigyan ng advice kung hindi siya nanghihingi."

Jhing stared at Fall who smiled at her.

"At bullshit din naman kung sabihin kong nandito lang ako, kasi di ba, anong mapapala mo sa presensya ko? Kagandahan lang naman." Tumawa ito. "I mean, empty sentence kasi 'yung nandito lang ako part. Sinabi lang para pampalubag loob."

"But it works."

Fall nodded. "Minsan. Pero alam mo kung anong mas mag-wo-work?"

"Ano?"

Pinakita ni Fall ang laptop screen niya and pointed at the announcement from Miko's status. "Pumunta tayo ng artist talk niya, at mag-talk na kayo kasi bwisit na 'yan, ang emo niyong dalawa! Hindi ko kinakaya, mga beh!"

Maybe it was Fall's plan, maybe it wasn't but Jhing didn't care anymore. The next week, nagpunta siya sa artist talk ni Miko kahit mag-isa. "Nagkasakit" daw kasi si Fall and her mom won't let her go. Jhing's legs wobbled as she went inside the auditorium of the school. Naupo siya sa may gitna, not too far but not too close.

Hindi niya alam kung anong pwedeng mangyari but she was hopeful.

Katabi ang mga highschool students, the artist talk started with some guy named Lemon, JPEG and the last was Miko.

When she saw him, her eyes welled up. Nanlamig siya agad. Alam niyang masyadong maraming tao para makita siya ni Miko from the stage where he was standing but she was hopeful that at the end of the day, they will have the chance to talk. . .or something.

Fuck it. She had no plan.

Lahat ng nanood ay nakatutok kay Miko habang nagsasalita ito tungkol sa art, paano mamahala ng studio at sumabak sa corporate world. Nandoon pa rin ang joker side ni Miko which made people laugh from time to time but he was more professional; maybe because of the eyeglasses, the stubbles prominent on his jaw, his smart casual outfit, his voice booming in the four corners of the auditorium, or his passion for art and illustrations.

At the middle of his talk, everyone - including Miko - looked at Jhing, or the person behind her. Bigla kasing nag-ring ang phone nito nang ubod nang lakas na natigil ang lahat. The kid kept on saying sorry, nahiya kaya lumabas na lang.

Then, Jhing saw Miko's eyes at her. His widened eyes and stutter in his voice was an assurance for Jhing to know he saw her. He knew she was there, watching.

She smiled at him.

Hoped he would do the same.

But Miko did not.

Begged her tears to not fall.

"Itong white canvas na ito, parang tao lang. Tayo," Miko started. The big screen showed Miko's photoshop document. "Kapag nadumihan ito, kahit maliit lang-" Tinuldukan niya ang canvas. "Kitang-kita. Pansin agad na madumi."

Others nodded with agreement while Jhing kept silent.

"Pero kapag dumami 'yung dumi." Miko started drawing lines on the canvas. "Pwede tayong makabuo ng isang art na nanggaling sa dumi." As he worked with his drawing, Miko asked the audience. "Alam niyo kung bakit art?"

"Kasi maganda?" one student answered.

"Para deep!" the other one commented.

"Hipster!" said the other.

Tumawa si Miko. "Kasi ang art," he said as he continued with his drawing. "Free. Libre. Kahit ano, pwedeng-pwede. Bahala na ang makakakita kung magugustuhan ba nila 'yung art na 'yun sa isang tao o hindi."

Jhing saw Miko looked at her, void of any emotion.

"Ang kaso, may ilang ayaw tanggapin na likhang sining sila," he said. "Yun ang mahirap. Hindi nila nakikita ang ganda kasi dumi ang pinipilit nilang tingnan sa sarili."

She heard a few comments from the students around her saying, "wow ang galing", "ang ganda!", "astig hindi ko nakita 'yun ah!", at "ano raw sabi? hindi ko nagets." Ang katabi pa ni Jhing sa kanan, nag-double look sa kanya.

Tumawa si Miko. "Nagpakadeep lang ako para humanga kayo sa akin kunwari may sense." Then the people laughed.

It was a miracle that Jhing could stop her tears as Miko's final work was a sketch of her - smiling - for everyone to see.

Nawalan siya ng lakas makipag usap kay Miko. She wished Fall was with her, push her and give a boost. But looking at Miko's back with students talking to him was a slap on the face that she was weaker than she thought.

He was walking away from her.

She couldn't stop him.

For plan B of her drastic and pathetic moves, Jhing was hopeful she could talk to Miko again at the office; but got surprised with Miss Mary Zue's news:

Nag-resign na si Miko.

"Wala na akong inspirasyon para mag-edit?!" Yayo said after Miss Mary Zue left. "Ayoko na, I resign!"

"Seryoso?" July asked.

"Charot lang."

Everyone laughed, to lighten the mood, except Jhing couldn't see any light. Her aura was grim, no one talked to her. Hindi na nga rin nangulit si July. When they went back to work, Jhing busied herself. Halos lahat ng nababasa niya sa manuscript, kinaiinisan niya, and every time Miko crossed her mind, naiinis siya sa sarili niya.

She wanted to punch and stab herself with a pen until she get her shit together.

Buti napigil niya ang sarili pagtawag sa kanya ni Miss Vams. May binigay itong flash drive. "Illustrations para sa novella mo. Pinapabigay ni Miko."

She stared at the flash drive. Tumango at ngumiti siya when she was told about the novella project finalization then printing na.

Her heart was beating like crazy as the flash drive connected to her computer. Nanlamig pa ang kamay niya habang hinahanap ang folder ng illustration para sa novella niya. Nandoon kasi ang ibang illustration novella projects nito na tiningnan din niya. Then she saw one file name folder:

072816_novella project_hers

She clicked it and stopped herself from tearing up.

Alam ni Miko.

He knew what the story was all about and he drew the familiar scenes like it was fresh from his memory: first time they chatted, the jeepney ride, MIBF stalking, the near koi fish pond, the gifts, their first eye to eye meeting, other random and crazy things that happened and the ending - which was happening to them already.

Him ignoring her and is happy with life.

Her trying to be okay and must be happy with life.

Masakit talagang umasa, Jhing knew that, kaya nga hindi siya umaasa. But searching for something in the flash drive made her feel even more wretched than before. Nag-expect kasi siya na baka may letter? Or something hidden na baka kailangan nila magkita sa isang lugar tapos mag-usap? A Miko gimik? Anything?

But there was none.

Illustrations lang ang nandoon, nothing more.

The next few days were a blur. Ang daming nangyari about the novella, and the Halloween party planning and all that jazz but Jhing wasn't in the mood for everything. She smiled and laughed and talked to people like nothing happened.

She was doing great.

Like what she was doing before Miko showed up.

Then Yayo started the talk with how she missed Miko and his joyful aura and his jokes, making Jhing miserable again. Nang mag-overnight sa work, hinanap niya si Miko sa Facebook; and one thing that was prominent:

They weren't friends.

Agad niyang clinick ang Add as a Friend. She was anxious with the waiting kaya pikit mata siyang nag-message rito.

Jhing: Hi.

Nothing.

So she tried again.

Jhing: Nakuha ko na yung illustrations.

Jhing: Ang galing!

Her heart was killing her.

But still nothing.

Jhing: salamat ah?

She wasn't sure why her tears started to fall. Was it because of her strained eyes staring too much at the screen? Was it because he was online and commented on one of his post but he didn't accept her friend request? Was it because of trying to make amends, and she was too late?

Or because of her stupidity, he had given up.

Karma. . .was really a bitch. . .so was she.

The tears fell on her keyboard and her heart ache with every beat. Her hands quivered as she typed in: a last chance for a clean slate.

Jhing: Miko...

Seen 11:23pm