#BadBloodBattle

"Love is war and to feel is to die in battle."

-x-

Riona Jayne Blanco was a bomb; silent, unnoticed, but when the time was up, or exposed and triggered - everyone around will be wounded from the outburst – even die from the explosion. Jhing knew it very well, of course. She was the bomb. The ticking was inside her, and the trigger would always be him.

That man she must call Tatay.

If she was the one who planted the bomb inside her, he gave the bomb to be planted.

No one deserved the explosive. No one deserved to be hurt, wounded or die with her. Especially a guy who would do his best to make the ticking bomb stop – but couldn't – and how she wished he could.

"Jhing?" his voice from the other side was low and soft. Ilang minuto na rin itong kumakatok sa pinto but Jhing didn't move a single muscle. "Jhing . . ."

Tumingin sa taas si Jhing and saw a hook. A year ago, she was tempted to put a rope there and maybe around her neck. Hearing the shouts of her Tatay outside that night telling her Nanay, manahimik ka na nga! Kaya ang tatanga ng mga anak natin dahil kinukunsinti mo! just because Jhing wanted to write for a living.

Now that the surrounding was silent, no shouts or cries, just the beating of her heart; she got tempted again.

But of course, she couldn't do it.

She was too scared to feel the burning hurt.

Scaredy cat.

"Jhing, sorry. . ." said the voice outside.

Hindi ito makasigaw dahil tulog ang Tatay ni Jhing sa sala. She heard her Nanay's voice saying, hayaan mo muna siguro, but Miko didn't stop. He kept on knocking and calling her.

She was a black hole, sucking all the happiness away.

Shame on Miko who wanted to be sucked by Jhing's black hole. Shame on Jhing for letting Miko's happiness be drained by her own stupid black hole.

Jhing closed her eyes. The tears were nowhere, she stayed still. She didn't mean to shout at Miko. And she was sure Miko was blaming himself for the outburst. He kept saying sorry and she kept hurting.

Every sorry from him felt like a knife stabbing her heart.

Another knock, Jhing heard Letlet's voice. "Kuya, walang lock 'yung pinto," she said. "Pwede kang pumasok."

"Ay talaga?" Silence. "Salamat."

Jhing heard Miko enter the room. Fuck that door. May sira nga pala at hindi pa rin napapaayos dahil walang pera. Because of that stupid hospital bill!

"Jhing?" Miko called.

Jhing stayed still on the bed. Nakakumot siya, curled up like a baby, wanted to get sleep but her mind was drowning from dark thoughts. Her siblings sleep in the room, but was afraid of Jhing, kaya hindi pumapasok sa kwarto.

Miko sat on the bed. His touch on her arm, kahit may kumot, made her heart a lot heavier.

"Dun sa kanina," Miko started. Jhing forced her eyes to remain closed. "Sorry talaga. Akala ko kasi—ah, shit. Sorry. Sorry. . ."

Jhing wanted to shout stop saying sorry! but her lips couldn't move.

They were silent for a few minutes.

Jhing heard her heartbeat crashing.

Jhing heard Miko's heavy breathing.

Pagtayo ni Miko, the bed felt lighter pero lalong bumigat ang loob ni Jhing. She overheard the door closing and opened her eyes, tears started to fall after the room became empty and dark; like what she was feeling. She bit her lips to control the emotions and closed her eyes again.

Too tired to think, she drifted to sleep.

Nagising siya nang magulat sa malakas na katok sa pinto. Nanakit ang tainga niya after hearing the familiar voice of her Tatay.

"JHING!"

It was the only voice that scared the fuck out of her.

"Huwag mong hayaang pasukin pa kita sa kwarto!" he shouted. Mas diniin ni Jhing ang pagpikit, trying to get his voice out of her mind. Ayaw niyang manuot ang boses nito. . .but was there any choice? The big knocks made Jhing wince. "Kumain ka na! Mahiya ka sa bisita mo."

Jhing sat up, her head was swirling. Gusto niyang maiyak sa galit dahil pinapakialam pa siya, sa takot dahil sa boses ng tatay niya at sa hiya dahil nakikita ni Miko ang lahat nang ito.

"Jhing!" The door blasted open which made everyone grimaced. "Ano, mag iinarte ka d'yan? Lumabas ka na ng kwarto at kumain!"

Then he left the room.

Pinigilan ni Jhing ang paghinga. Every beat of her heart hurt. Pagtayo, muntik pa siyang matumba. Nanakit ang legs niya pagtapak sa lapag. But she continued walking, patungo sa hapagkainan. There, was her Nanay preparing the food, her siblings and Miko who looked at her, and her Tatay on the sala, watching TV.

Sinundan siya ng tingin ni Miko hanggang maupo siya sa pwesto. They started eating. No one spoke for the first 5 minutes until her Nanay asked Yel something, then Undoy commented. Letlet asked her Kuya Enteng, and the talk and noise started. Miko was more silent than usual but still joined the conversation. He kept asking Jhing things but all Jhing could do was to grunt, and nod, and look away from everyone.

Before Jhing could stand up and get away from everyone before she could explode, her Tatay went to the dining area. Naglapag ito ng envelop sa harap niya.

"Ayan na bayad sa hospital bill," he said.

Just like before, pagtapos kumain ng buong pamilya, doon lang kakain ang kanyang Tatay. Like he wasn't a part of the family. Like he didn't want to be with them, or eat with them, talk to them, ask them how their day, month or year was just like any good father would do to his children.

But he wasn't the best father; everyone knew that.

Jhing ignored the envelop and stood up. But before she could walk away from everyone; from him, nagsalita na naman ang Tatay niya.

"Hindi mo ba kukuhanin ang pera?"

She shook her head, like the stubborn kid she was, and went back to the room. Leaving everyone, even Miko, in the living room.

Jhing, again, lay down on the bed and curled up in her blanket. Nanatili siyang ganoon, drifting in and out of sleep when she felt her siblings around her, sleeping soundly. Narinig din niya ang boses ng Nanay na kausap si Miko sa labas ng kwarto.

"Pasensya na at wala kaming iba pang tulugan, ayos ka lang ba rito?"

"Oo naman po." She could hear his smile. "Salamat! Goodnight po."

With eyes open, her siblings' snores and shifting of movements, Jhing stared at the blankness of darkness. Pagod na siyang magsalita. Pagod na nga rin siyang tumayo. Gusto na niyang umuwi sa -Manila, ran away, just like what she did before, but she was too tired of everything.

Pinilit niya ang sarili mag isip tungkol sa editing, to busy her thoughts, just like what she had done for a year.

1. Formula: simple + short = powerful

2. Avoid explaining every action, dialogue, thoughts and scenes. Do not dumb down readers. Hindi sila bobo.

3. When you write a story, you're telling yourself the story. When you rewrite, your main job is taking out all the unnecessary details that are not the story f --

Then her thoughts was ruined by her Tatay's loud voice from the other room, so clear it felt like he was shouting it straight to her ears. "Pinapamukha na sa akin ng anak mo na kumikita na siya pagsusulat niya! Ano, hindi na niya tatanggapin pera ko? Hindi na niya ako kailangan?"

Jhing clutched her blanket. She tried not to let the tears fall, but it was too late. Tuloy ang pag-agos ng luha pagkapikit niya. Gusto niyang matulog, ayaw na niyang marinig pa ang sasabihin nito – pero hindi siya hinayaan ng utak hindi makinig.

"Marinig ka ng mga bata. . ."

"Hayaan mo," his voice was angry, and Jhing was sure how he looked like; namumula sa inis, nag-aapoy na mga mata, and she was sure he would punch something for a release of frustration. Good thing Undoy was nowhere near him – but her Nanay was. "Nang marinig nilang anak lang sila at ako ang Tatay."

Jhing wanted to punch him in the face and shout fuck you over and over again.

Nanginginig ang buong pagkatao niya sa galit but all she could do was curl in her bed and let the fucking tears fall. Of course, she was freaking angry. She hated him with passion for not doing the best job as a father for her, and her siblings and a husband for her Nanay. She was disgusted at him when he cried and pleaded to accept him again after they learned about the other family. Well, fuck him for letting Jhing believe that he was a reborn man but returned to the stupid ass he was again after a few weeks. And yet – she was fucking afraid, scared to death – like the little girl she was back then. When his monster of a father poured hot water at her, burned a part of her thigh just because her little hands couldn't hold the big plate that shattered on the floor.

The burn healed years ago, for fuck's sake, but the scar was still there, letting Jhing know that the man, the fucking man she must call Tatay was a part of her shattered self. Of her blood and flesh.

She was angry with her Nanay for being kind, understanding, too much of the positive person it made her stupid for accepting him again and again and again. She hated her siblings for not fighting back after every physical and verbal attack they got from the man. She was disgusted to donate blood, for his blood might spread to the world. Jhing was afraid of herself; that she couldn't do anything and a few years after, everything will be the same. And she was scared he might get into her too much.

Which was already happening to her; and the effects were more explosive than she had ever imagined.

Her stay in Manila was a breath of fresh air. Hindi niya kasi naiisip ang mga problema sa pamilya. She went home thinking she could breathe because her Tatay was supposed to be not there.

But there he was, at the other room, with her Nanay.

So much for a breath of fresh air.

She was suffocating.

Pagkalalim pa ng gabi, she went out of the room and decided to go out of the house. Nagtungo siya sa likod bahay and stared at the dark surroundings. Naalala niya ang nangyari kanina, at kung paano niya sinigawan si Miko. She felt a pang in her chest – she didn't mean to – everything was just too fast; all emotions were there.

Hindi na siya lumingon when she heard the door opened and closed from behind. She could feel Miko's presence at her back, her heart aching.

They stood there; silence covering them, and the breathing was getting hard again. It was a simple inhale and exhale – but how can something be simple if every move was hurting her, dragging the process?

"Mas masarap talaga simoy ng hangin sa probinsiya." His voice made Jhing winced. Nakakapanibago ang kasiyahan. "Swerte talaga naranasan niyo 'to. Wala kasi akong ganitong mauuwian, eh. Manila boy since '89."

Miko started talking. Jhing listened and kept silent.

"Jhing?" Miko nudged her after a lot of stories he had shared, Jhing stared at nowhere. He sighed. "Ok ka lang?"

Hindi was what she wanted to say.

The smile on Miko's face faded. He turned Jhing to let them face at each other. Yumuko siya para hanapin ang tingin ni Jhing but Jhing closed her eyes just so she could avoid getting caught in his gaze.

"Sorry. . ." Miko said with a soft voice. "Mali ako ng joke kanina. Gusto ko lang din malaman kung anong gagawin mo kung. . .shit." Miko heaved a sigh and slapped his forehead. "Pucha, ang selfish. Hindi ko dapat ginawa 'yun. Isip bata. . . bwisit."

Pagmulat ng mata ni Jhing, Miko's eyes were closed, his hand scratching his head. She wanted to hold him but it felt like her touch was fatal and he'll die with her if she did.

She saw his heavy breathing when he said, "si Bee ba?" He looked at Jhing with a sad smile. "Siya ba dahilan kaya ka lumayo? O dahil sa iba pa?"

Gustong maiyak ni Jhing for her heart was crushing her inside but she stood still, legs wobbling. She made an effort to stand up; to not let Miko see her weakness.

Miko laughed, but Jhing heard the opposite of happiness from it. "Hirap kasing manghula minsan. . . pero sa tuwing nakikita naman kitang nakangiti, hindi ko magawang lumayo."

I'm sorry. . . her head and heart wanted to shout, say over and over again, but her lips wouldn't move. Her voice, yet again, wouldn't like to be heard.

"Jhing. . ." Miko touched her finger, and held her hand. Malamig ang kamay nito tulad ng kanya. Jhing looked at him whose eyes were only hers. "Sabihin mo na sa akin lahat," he pleaded. "Tutulungan kita. Gagawin ko lahat."

Dumiin ang hawak ni Miko sa kamay ni Jhing.

Gusto rin niyang diinan ang hawak, hindi na bumitaw. She wanted to tell him to please, save me but her lips were too stubborn. As for her eyes, she wished Miko could understand the glistening of it. Hindi ko na kaya, she wanted to say. Miko. . .tulong.

But she couldn't.

She got out from his comforting hands. Hindi deserve ni Miko ang nanunuot na sakit sa kaibuturan ng puso ni Jhing. She was a mess, a hurricane that'll crash everything on her way even if she didn't want to, even if she cared.

Sana may block option na lang din sa personal. . .to save people from her, the monster.

She had no right to taint him.

But Miko held her again. Gusto niyang isigaw ang bitawan mo ako bago pa lumala! but again, her lips didn't like cooperating with everything she wanted to say. Mas hinigpitan ni Miko ang hawak sa kanya; if she could feel the pain with his grip – it was her fault.

"Sabihin mo sa akin kung anong nangyayari," he said, his voice soft made Jhing more frustrated to herself. "Anong nasa isip mo ngayon? Sabihin mo, Jhing. Nandito naman ako."

Empty.

Her mind was empty. . .her emotions were empty. . .she was empty.

Everything. . .she wanted everything to be empty.

"Jhing. . ."

They stared at each other. The heart was again, trying to get out of her system, pleading her to stop the hurt. Miko's eyes sparkled from the light post at the side, but it was kind of blurry on Jhing's sight, keeping the water that may fall. When the thunder roared and the lightning sparked – Miko's gaze went down from her eyes to her nose and stopped at her lips.

Her heart skipped a bit.

Jhing stared at Miko staring at her lips, shivering in cold and anxiety. She wanted to run when his face went nearer, as her heartbeat roared just like the thunder.

If she closed her eyes – will everything be alright?

If she let him kiss her – will the monster inside stop?

If she fell too deep – will she let him drown with her?

Her thoughts were spinning, her head hurt, as she felt his breath on her lips, nearer by the second. She closed her eyes, let him hold her tighter, and told him from the inside of her head to take the wheel, Melchizedek Jesus Crux. Pagod na ako.

But just like everytime she wanted to give up – the universe objects – the rain rejects.

Before his lips can touch hers, the heavy rain fell hard on them making them stop. The magic sparked, but even before it can burn, it already vanished. Agad pumasok si Jhing sa loob, not minding Miko was still outside, and stopped abruptly when her Tatay, exiting the room, slammed the door shut behind him.

Gusto agad niyang magtago but it was too late. Nakita na siya ng Tatay. Her heart was crying for help, crying for someone to get her away from him, but Miko was still outside – and she wanted to fucking cry because she wanted to scream and be weak.

No one. . .she must not depend on no one but herself.

"Nagpaulan ka? Gusto mo bang magkasakit?"

His low-angry tone was the only voice that can make her want to cry in pain.

No response from her. Diretso siya sa paglakad papunta sa kwarto, just to get away from the man, but she was too late.

The battle began. Her vs him; her emotions vs her everything.

"Bakit gising ka pa?" he asked. "Matulog ka na!"

Jhing felt his hand on her skin so she jerked away, and looked at her Tatay. Darkness was better para hindi niya makita ang expression ng mukha nito – but darkness was scary as fuck, too.

"Galit ka ba?" His voice made her wince. "Tatay mo ako. Sa akin galing pangalan mo. Hindi mo ako dapat ginaganyan. Wala kang karapatan magalit sa akin, tandaan mo 'yan."

Oo nga. Kung pwede ko lang alisin 'tong inis, galit, bwisit at takot ko sa'yo ginawa ko na. Unfortunately, tatay kita. Anak lang ako. Pero tao pa rin naman ako. Nakakaramdam! May emosyon!

Those were the lines that kept on repeating inside her head. The string of thoughts that became her mantra for the past years, she realized it was enough but couldn't say a thing.

Kung magagawa mong alisin sa akin 'yung nararamdaman ko, kindly do so. Her mind said. Tatay kita, di ba? You can do whatever you fucking want!

"Hindi ka talaga magsasalita?"

Silence.

"Iyong lalaking yon. . ." He kept on going. "Iyong Miko, katipan mo? Iiwan mo na ba itong pamilya natin? Aalagaan ka ba niya?"

SHUT UP.

JUST FUCKING SHUT UP.

SHUT UP AND GO AWAY FROM ME.

"Aalis ka na ba sa puder ko?" He moved closerand Jhing wanted to get away. . .but she was unable to move. The glistening of her Tatay's eyes made her question Tatay? Iiyak? but his clutched fist made her wince.

Akala niya susuntukin siya. . . but no punch happened.

Her Tatay heavily breathed in and out, and barked. Ubo ito nang ubo saka lumayo. Uminom ito ng tubig at binuksan ang TV saka naglipat ng channel.

Miko, from the outside, went straight to the CR, dripping wet. Her Tatay ignored him. And Jhing went back to her bed, curled inside her blanket, surrounded by her siblings. She saw Undoy's opened eyes, tears falling from it, looking at her.

She wanted to scream. To go home! But her own home ruined her; made her want to destroy everything and herself in the process.

Jhing wanted to disappear.

Like a bomb exploded.

A single boom!

Then gone.

Silence.

____

Avoid countdown comments. I write chapters and post it online because I want to know your comments, thoughts and feelings, not how many chapters left. So please, huwag po magcomment ng count down. Tweet niyo na lang yan orkey? :D

Speaking of tweets, use #ElebenTwentitri for reactions para makita ko (at ma-retweet)

Wala ako sa bahay atm but this update was made possible because of Jobelle Verano (mahalnaduke). Sana ma-post ng saktong 11:11 para kyot.

To Jobelle, thank yoouuuu for posting this chapter! u da best editor! Yay gangsta :D