❝I'm drunk from your thoughts, it hurts; why do I still end up wanting you?❞
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; summary : For Jungkook, loving Lalisa has always been too easy, but it is just as difficult for him to express himself. So how many times did Jungkook go wrong to confess his feelings at the right time?

; w.c : 8.1k (no words 🤐)

; genres/warnings : childhood friends to lovers (why am i in love with this trope recently😭), disgusting amount of fluff/slow burn, coming of age au, mostly jungkook centred!, angst in form of intense pining and hopeless romanticism, rotten attempt at comedy, hints of slapping and toxic relationships, the story becomes endless at one point of time, jk is awkward, a little dense, very shy and has some self esteem issues but i love him, jk overthinks A LOT in this, lisa is a bit oblivious at first BUT she's a big sweetheart!🥹

; notes :

1) the last time i updated here was on tae's birthday and now we're nearing jungkook's birthday already? lmao so sorry for abandoning this book! i was working on other ideas so it completely slipped past my head that i hadn't updated in ages. nobody's awaiting my shitposts anyway :')

2) oh well this was supposed to be a special update jungkook's birthday but the reason why i'm publishing it in advance is because i have this important national level uni entrance in the same week and my schedule will be hectic during that period. also it's chaotic to leave my account because of one blunder that i don't want to repeat again, hence here's an early update!♡

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«NARRATION»

When Shakespeare had infamously quoted, "the course of true love never did run smooth", he had probably been right.

Love was a fickle emotion, and equally tricky to comprehend. The wise old folks often said that love hits you out of nowhere, and when it does, it's like a handful of sand slipping away from the palm, difficult to grasp when the realisation hits too late. Jungkook begged to differ from this notion, for love was all he'd ever known — especially when it came to her.

His mind traced back to a seemingly mundane day in springtime at school that became slowly extraordinary with the introduction of a new student in his fourth grade.

Jung Lalisa was her name, as she recited when the teacher prompted her to introduce herself.

Back then, little Jungkook wasn't great when it came to describing words owing to his limited vocabulary, so he settled down for the word pretty. Yet that did not clear away the obscure palpitations of his chest when the girl daintily perched on the seat beside him and shot a polite smile his way. It was a feeling that teenage Jungkook would recognise as something close to a faint infatuation of sorts.

Nevertheless, the fluttering feeling brought with itself a mortification that Jungkook from the adult years would look back as a part of the first meeting, only because it had rendered him bashful and speechless, smiling away like a silly little boy that he was.

That was the first time when an imaginary butterfly nestled itself in Jungkook's chest, the feeling that was to become increasingly profound in the forthcoming years.

ᯤ

If anything, Jungkook's mother had endured within herself a lot of patience to deal with a child like her son. Of course, it was not easy to locate a flower bouquet shop as early as seven in the morning. All the eleven-year-old Jungkook managed to get was a single white garden daisy, a flower that symbolised purity and innocence.

Finding his friend walking with her elder brother Hoseok towards the school, Jungkook  had almost jumped off the car if it weren't for his mother berating him to halt his actions until she was done parking.

"Lisa," he panted as the girl whipped around to face him.

"Jungkook, what is—" she was immediately interrupted when the flower was pushed in her direction. "I'll miss you, Lisa."

Lisa was hesitant in taking the flower from his hand as she blinked twice in surprise. "Jungkook, we'll still be in the same school, even if our sections are different." She tried to reason, only to find the boy on the verge to have a miniature emotional breakdown.

"Oh my God, Jungkook!"

Lisa's brother, who had been standing a few steps ahead of them was the only witness to this incident — the teen pressed his lips together in an attempt to curb his laughter.

Eventually, this incident became a ridiculous memory highlighting one of Jungkook's many strange antics. The one thing that didn't change was was the feeling striking him with the same intensity when he observed Lisa's smile as she looked at the flower.

And when the feeling in his heart intensified, Jungkook understood that the butterfly residing within him had now made friends.

ᯤ

The period of adulting came with a lot of...well, struggles. Jungkook and Lalisa were both in this semi-awkward phase of their lives where hormones were causing a wild rampage all around, the same emotional state of being childish was slowly fading away into a distant memory.

It was a time of confusion of sorts. First, no one told Jungkook the reason why he had suddenly become conscious of his appearance; especially whenever he hung out with Lisa. The constant bathroom visits to check if the pimples weren't seeping through the concealer (which was apparently his mother's) that he had applied, the funny hoarseness in his voice that was seemingly enough for his vocal cords to tear apart, and, the infinite number of times he went through his wardrobe, only to put them back and giving up — had become the first telltale signs of something he was about to discover later. The first signs of self-consciousness and insecurities, forming a base of his anxiety.

Secondly, Jungkook couldn't comprehend why the butterflies kept multiplying over and over and his heart would skip a beat whenever he found Lisa staring at him for a minute longer than usual. It put him completely off-guard, unprepared of what to say. His mind warned him to get a grip whilst his heart kept telling him about the second sign — he was free-falling in love, trying to grasp the meaning behind his feelings.

The third thing nobody could explain Jungkook was the sudden heartache he always felt whenever Lisa was hanging out with her other friends — an activity that became increasingly prevalent when they both turned fifteen. Jungkook used to go about with his small circle of friends too, the ones he had made from the numerous after school activities and hobby clubs he had signed up for. Yet nothing could fill him in with the same kind of feeling because he always felt a little lonely in the heart. It was his body's way of indicating him a third sign — that there was (and always will be) a space in his heart for Lisa. And as the distance between them widened, his heart could only grow fonder.

ᯤ

So why was Jungkook never vocal about his feelings to Lisa? Of many things, Jungkook was not one of those to confess something out of the blue or express himself in general; with Lisa though, he had tried to do so, twice.

The first time, it was during their farewell from middle school and only a fair slip of words.

"Lisa, I...uhm, I like you."

The girl's head shifted in his direction, her gaze settling on Jungkook's eyes. It didn't stay longer though, just enough to witness the glows of red on the curve of his cheeks; had her gaze lingered on him a second longer, Jungkook was certain that she could've realised that he had always gravitated towards her since childhood.

"I like you too?" Lisa spoke with a raise of a brow.

Of course, Jungkook embodied the many marvellous things in her life. The times when he'd come over for sleepovers and movie nights, hogging her brother's gaming console together, or the times they were both caught doing silly things like sneaking out for late night bus rides, only to be grounded for a week after. The list continued to go on, just proving the endless reasons for her friendly affection towards Jungkook.

To Jungkook, the phrase held a strong message — because yet again, his heart skipped a beat. Though he was mortified to even speak anything, his brain kept signalling to slow down as he prayed that Lisa wouldn't be able to hear his fervent heartbeats.

"...You do?"

Lisa didn't really understand why Jungkook had a hopelessly hopeful look drawn across his face but she tried to reassure him anyway.

"Of course, we've been friends for what, half a decade now? It would be weird if I said I don't like you. You're my best friend."

The way Jungkook's shoulders sagged the same way as the hope deflated from his eyes was even more puzzling.

"Oh yeah, I know, it'll be weird."

"And besides..." Lisa started, her eyes tracing over Jungkook's features, unable to decipher the awkwardly taut smile on his lips that looked anything but genuine, when she said, "you're cute."

It was no surprise that Jungkook would eventually start to hate that word.

The second time, Jungkook tried his chance by smothering Lisa with flowers in a silent confession in junior high. Among the small pile of chocolates and a few letters written on fancy decorative paper in her locker, lay a single daisy, patiently tucked away much behind than the other gifts. It was obvious the gift was from Jungkook — the boy seemed to adore the flower a lot, to the extent of giving her one on her every birthday, but at the same time, she hadn't anticipated anything like that to come from him on Valentines Day.

However, the daisy wasn't the thing that peaked her interest — a bouquet of pink roses did. And those roses were another chapter of Lisa's life, because they landed her up on her very first serious relationship. It was a boy named Jaewon from the senior year — who also happened to be her first kiss after a school theatre performance the two appeared together in. A more mature sense of a relationship was what she had imagined, her life slowly dripping into a fairytale fantasy as Jungkook's love sickness soared.

Shortly after, Jungkook claimed he was seeing someone too; a girl with a cute little smile and a carmine dotting her cheeks whenever she laughed. Lisa soon became good friends with the girl given that she came to hangout with their mutual friends group, much to Jungkook's dismay of wanting Lisa to feel jealous.

Jungkook's fling lasted no more than two months, neither did the five odd others that followed, making Lisa wonder why he was so quick in letting go.

Even so, Lisa never asked why, neither did she want to.

ᯤ

The last realisation struck Jungkook in the senior year of high school — where he had unknowingly started to compare himself with the numerous boys that came and left Lisa's life.

It was around the time when Jungkook himself became known among his peers for his academic excellence and his looks that served a cherry on top, yet his reserved nature was one thing that strayed most of them away. The only few girls who stayed, Jungkook accepted their confession in a sole attempt of not wanting to hurt them.

But who was he to fool anyway? His girlfriends were quick to know who his heart yearned for. Some of them like his first girlfriend, were understanding when they broke up with him, even wishing him good luck to have his love be reciprocated too; the others would get furious, the rage was evident in the form of a strong imprint on Jungkook's cheek.

The other thing that drove him of not wanting to date anyone was his failure to comprehend why Lisa didn't look at him the same way the other girls did, or why did she never notice his tear strained cheeks whenever he showed up school after being turned down with the 'my boyfriend wanted to spend time with me because he says he'll be busy for the rest of the week'.

All of which only paved the way for the last sign concluding that Jungkook was head over heels in love with his best friend. And it was going to hurt in the later years of his life.

ᯤ

"If you want to cry, do it with some good sad music in the background. Hits harder." He urged, bringing in two cups of chamomile tea as he settled beside Lisa on the carpet.

"Wh— I'd never known you were so insensitive, Jeon." She wailed, the thick teardrops blotching half of her summer dress. Jungkook's lips automatically shaped into a panicking frown, as the boy reached his hand out to wipe away the tears from her cheeks using his thumb. "That wasn't what I meant, you know."

A few moments passed like this, with Lisa whining non-stop. It was all until Jungkook finally garnered some courage to pull Lisa into a comforting embrace, combing through her hair with his fingers. His caress was equivalent to a warm blanket in the dead of winter — the scent of the familiar laundry detergent an added comfort to soothe Lisa's distressed state of mind, and she pulled him closer.

"It hurts, hurts too much." Lisa continued to sob, coughing out through every sentence. "I should have never signed up for theatre last year, nor should have I got this stupid crush. I wouldn't have, if I'd known just how painful it was."

It does hurt, Jungkook had known for certain. He could fathom the pain, for he was hurt the same way when Lisa's relationship with her boyfriend continued to flourish past the distance when he moved away to the other side of the world and enjoy the freedom university had to offer. It hurt Jungkook the same way whenever he saw Lisa's face brightening up into a radiant smile each time she got a text from her long distance boyfriend.

Jaewon was a nice man, indeed. He was one of those charming dreamboats the whole campus admired. And he didn't seem like a cheater either — no, he was never that kind of man. Jungkook would've probably bashed his head into a wall otherwise. But the problem in these long distance relationships, however, is that the sparks often die too soon. An almost two-year relationship came to a dwindling halt, because Jaewon had eventually fallen out of love.

"You would've have regretted if you hadn't joined the theatre. Think of this, you got to spend two amazing years with him instead of being lonely with the idea of an unrequited crush, don't you think?" Jungkook remarked by the time Lisa's whimpers were reduced into sobs.

"You sound a lot more sad for someone who's never been in love before." Lisa spoke, blowing into a paper napkin.

"Who says I haven't been in love?"

"Wait— what did you just say?"

Shit, Jungkook bit his lip at the words that mindlessly left his mouth, landing him on an gnarly spot.

"Nothing. Well, tea's getting cold. I'll be back in a minute." He scratched the nape of his neck, flashing his coy bunny-like smile before fleeing off to the kitchen while balancing the tray in his hands.

Lisa wished she had stopped Jungkook in the spur of the moment, but she let go of it anyway. She had known about her best friend's age-old problem of never being able to open up clearly, attributing to his inbuilt fear of blabbering out 'stupid shit' he never meant that could possibly ruin the situation like he quoted. So she decided that it was better to let him space out for this one, maybe he really wanted to keep this secret to himself.

Jungkook came back sometime later, resting the tray on the table facing the window outside.  As Lisa sat down on the cushioned seat by the windowsill, she noticed a bed of freshly bloomed daises in the garden outside.

"You added daisies to your gardening collection?"

"Hmm." Jungkook answered, taking a sip of his tea. "I figured it's a cheaper alternative than buying them from nurseries. They look pleasant too."

"Thanks then, Jeon Jungkook." He registered her saying. "I guess I feel a little less heartbroken."

Jungkook turned towards her and wistfully smiled, wishing the same could be said for him as well. But as he looked outside of the window, he completely missed the graceful smile Lisa was sending his way.

ᯤ

Soon, the university years rolled in, the events passing by in a flash. As adults, Jungkook and Lalisa were completely different from what they'd once been as kids.

Though Jungkook was convinced he wasn't as lovesick like his teen self, he was still very terrified with the idea of confessing. Even a single similar thought invoked his mind to signal red alerts and remind him the rejection in middle school.

And here in the university, it seemed like Lisa gave everyone but him a chance to her heart. He remembered there was this one time in third year when Lisa was crazy over this one guy who paired with her for an art history project only because he had a pair of two kittens.

Jungkook tried to get a cat for himself too, much to his mother's shock. Of course, the boy himself was a scaredy-cat. Even more so afraid of the feline family.

But bringing in a cat might try to change the equation, so shouldn't that be a good start?

No.

Unfortunately for Jungkook, his cat was just too moody around him. She barely moved from his pillow unless a sophisticated leash was brought for her to indicate that they were going on a walk outside — and attacking him with her paws whenever Jungkook tried to inch closer.

In contrast, the cat was on its best behaviour whenever Lisa came over, making the boy's almond-shaped eyes to widen in shock with just how double-faced his own pet was. Whenever Lisa reached her hand over to call her in a cutely pitched voice, the feline animal would mewl and instinctively jump on her lap, purring softly when her fur was caressed and Jungkook would simply sit a few inches away, his face narrowed into a scoff.

To Lisa, the cat had become like a firstborn; obviously she named her Daisy, because the flower always reminded her of him. And now his cat would. Thanks to Lisa's efforts, Jungkook and Daisy eventually became... friends. Lisa would come over for their study dates, that would ultimately end into 'how to pet a cat' sessions.

The cat had unknowingly brought the two friends closer despite their busy uni schedules. Something as small as these splintered moments were no less than a casual affair in Lisa's eyes.

Sometimes Jungkook would just stare at Daisy playing with the foam while he bathed her in her little bathtub, wondering how much it would take for Lisa to see him in a different light.

Though tragedy struck and Daisy could no longer stay with them. Apparently she was unable to adjust to the inconsistent environment changes and called in sick every time the weather changed, as an aftermath of which Jungkook had to leave her at a volunteering pet café on the advice of a local vet.

This was how the cat chapter came to an end, but Jungkook's story didn't see for itself a happy ending as he had aspired.

ᯤ

Jungkook absolutely hated parties.

Sometimes he was all over the place — and parties did not happen to be his thing. He didn't like the music being so loud and booming that it could blast the eardrums off, the stream of drunk people scattering around like ants. So what was he doing in a pub for no fancy occasion? There's a but here; Jungkook could never say no to Lisa even if he wanted to. So he decided to cope for her — not like this, however.

Because here he was, wasting himself away in a corner while Lisa had been talking to this one guy for the whole time. He was familiar with his face, even saw him kiss her once; the two seemed awfully close even after deciding to not be in a relationship after all. Jungkook did attempt to ask Lisa why she didn't go out with the guy, but never got a complete answer — she merely dismissed it with a 'i have eyes for someone else', something that made him oddly confused and upset.

He didn't realise when he was pulled out via a back entrance of the pub, Lisa's hand resting on his palm, the other hand stroking his cheek in worry. "Something's up with you Jungkookie." She hummed, "talk to me."

Another thing that Jungkook absolutely hated was the way Lisa comforted him, how easily she could sense his discomfort or correctly identify that he wasn't feeling well.

He only shrugged, making her sigh. "Hey, I wouldn't know unless you won't tell me what's wrong. I don't like seeing you all gloomy like that."

"You....and Sehun, huh?" A frown instantly sat over Lisa's face at the mentioned name.

"We're not going out at all, if that's what you wanna know." Relief instantly flushed over his body. But then—

"Jungkook," Lisa started in her gentle voice, the expression in her eyes just too....concerned. Vulnerable. Unsure— but oh, the neon lighting looked too pretty above her head. "Is there something you would like to tell me?" Even though Jungkook was distracted for a mere second, his heart rate erratically increased.

Of course, there was a lot of things he wanted to tell her. So much about how he loved her, how he'd been yearning for her for years on end, how he wanted to kiss her senseless underneath the neon lit logo of the pub or how he's been dreaming of that one day Lisa would fall for him too.

But when will that day be?

Almost suddenly, the anxiety overtook his subconscious and he panicked. "N-no."

"...oh." Although Lisa didn't voice it, Jungkook felt the instant flush of disappointment in her tone. Nonetheless, she blinked twice, before looking at him straight in the eye. "Hey, do you wanna go to the movies tomorrow?"

All Jungkook could do was sum up a brief "huh" at the surprise question. Lisa chuckled at him and instinctively, he wanted to nod.

Instead all that comes out is a "i have work early morning, can't make it." Jungkook hated himself a little inside for his awkwardness, where Lisa was actually trying to spend some time with him, even if her usual nine-to-five job didn't allow her to. Moreover, he was afraid to spill his feelings out, threatened by the insane number of times his confessions were overlooked. He just knew he wasn't her type.

"Kookie?" Lisa snapped him out of his trance, "I said it was alright! Where were you lost?"

"Ah, n-nothing, I'm sorry—"

"Please don't apologise, it's okay. Maybe another time." She smiled, a familiar phrase slipping out of her lips in an attempt to ease his awkwardness. "You know, you're too cute."

By now, Jungkook was convinced that Lisa's "you're cute" and the little "i like you's" went nothing beyond the platonic sense.

What was specifically the problem with 'you're cute' though? Jungkook always got such compliments from the neighbourhood ladies since childhood. He never aspired to be cute. Especially not in Lisa's eyes. He was supposed to make her heart race, her blood rush, her knees weak, he wished to make her feel the same flutters like he'd always felt — but these fairytale love stories, they were all a lie, weren't they? Because no matter how much he wished, he can never get to call her, his own.

ᯤ

The first time Jungkook had ever heard an 'i like you more than a friend' slip past Lisa's lips was during a casual date night at her apartment. He was exhausted from his job at the daycare school that wasn't too far from where Lisa lived and had no ready plans for the weekend than to crash at her place.

He doesn't know if it's in general human psychology to be taken aback when something happens when you least expect it, because he felt like slapping himself right then and there to affirm that he wasn't dreaming.

Did Lisa just confess to him? His mind wasn't able to process it.

How did he feel? A gazillion emotions were thwarted from his emotion-response centre in the brain, causing a meltdown in his body — he felt all too nervous and overwhelmed at once that all he could hear was only his heartbeat and all he could sense was a warmth radiating from the adrenaline rush, so intense that it could scald his skin.

So what did he do? He looked at her in surprise when Lisa told him outright what she felt for him— only for his brain to short-circuit and mumble a fidgety 'i'm sorry' before he practically fled from the scene.

Everything happened so fast, too fast that even Lisa wasn't able to comprehend what happened. When she ranted about last night to her brother Hoseok — whom she regarded as her life saviour — tried to console her by some generous words to not lose hope.

"Yah, you know how he's like", his hand reached out to pet her hair as she rested her head on the table, not wanting to meet his eyes. "Maybe he just got too shocked? It does happen most of time doesn't it, every time you come out strong, he just...panics."

"Or maybe he doesn't see me that way." She mumbled, heaving out a sigh.

When Lisa finally came in terms with realising her hidden feelings for Jungkook, the two were probably just starting with university. Of course, she went out with several guys who asked her out on dates, only to turn them down. Through the four years of their endless graduation days, she had struggled to throw in little subtle hints his way, just to know if he ever saw her more as a friend.

There were times when Lisa felt like Jungkook was an open book — but then came his tendency to overthink all types of worries in the world, thoughts that were rather unnecessary or irrelevant or thoughts that made him go silent.

It was difficult to establish her own feelings in an open confession when he refuted from communicating his feelings with her. The aftermath of last night was enough evidence for her to come in terms with the reality of her life, that maybe she wasn't destined to live a drama-worthy love with Jungkook at the end of the day.

And maybe, it was time that she should've started looking for other options instead.

ᯤ

Jungkook didn't have the courage to face Lisa after the events of that night. He wasn't able to sleep through it, and spent the night yelling into his pillow. In the days that followed, he tried to get a hold of Lisa, without much luck — her number not picking up, her texts being short and precise, mostly along the lines of 'i'm loaded with office work' among others.

He always felt a little guilty and looked for ways to compensate, but what really hit him hard was the fact that he almost never realised how spoiled he had been — his day never felt real at all, considering the lack of good morning and good night messages that Lisa had made a routinely habit of texting him, for an odd reason.

As his work hours came to a close and the parents came in to collect their children from the lobby area one by one, Jungkook was having a tornado of thoughts striking one after another in his head.

"Kookie." A young boy asked, prodding a foam bullet in his direction. A girl of the same age frowned, scolding him. "Hey, don't poke, Kookie said it's not nice."

"...but he wasn't listening." The boy's lips shaped into a pout, giving Jungkook enough amount of time to get distracted by the two kids. "What is it, Ryu and Doyun?"

"You sick?" Doyun queried, as the older man shook his head sideways with a small smile. "I...I'm just not happy today."

A minute later, Doyun was gone, leaving Ryu and Jungkook hanging in the middle of their conversation.

"Is it about your princess, Kookie?" Jungkook was taken aback by Ryu's question. The little girl had always been one of the inquisitive kinds; nevertheless, that didn't explain what she wanted to pinpoint, or rather who.

"Princess? You're my princess, Ryu."

"No," the girl had an instantaneous response, "I've seen her get you sometimes. She has pretty hair and a lovely smile. You always smile when you see her."

Jungkook only watched the girl in nothing but sheer surprise. This one time, Ryu's mother had been running late to pick up her daughter after work. As a result of which, Jungkook tried to lighten up the sad child by playing on the swings, minutes after which Ryu's mother finally arrived — and so did Lisa, in an attempt to surprise him. But that incident had been from months ago, it was indeed a miracle for Ryu to remember Lisa in a vivid picture.

"I.....uh, no. She's not my princess." He answered her. "Why do you ask?"

Right when Ryu was about to answer him, the receptionist called Ryu's name aloud to indicate her mother was here. As Jungkook picked up her bag and held her hand to escort her towards the foyer, she suddenly spoke.

"Because," she started, "we went to a res-risto-rest—"

"You mean restaurant?" Jungkook briefly chuckled at the girl's endearing attempt to spell the word, which could perfectly explain what 'cute' meant.

"Yeah, that." She blinked, as if to remember the pronunciation, before she continued. "I saw her at the restau...rant. With a guy who wasn't you. Mommy told Daddy she's cheating when we saw the guy gave her a kissy on the cheek. Were you playing something together?"

Oh. That had hurt.

Ryu's mother mirrored the same shocked expression as Jungkook, mostly embarrassed when she heard her daughter spill her gossip out. "Oh, Jungkook-ssi, I'm so sorry—"

"No ma'am, it's okay. Please don't apologise. And Ryu," he looked down at the little girl, "we don't play together like that. She can play with whoever she wants to, just like you can play with whoever you like."

Jungkook supposed his answer wasn't enough to convince Ryu, because the little girl's head lolled to the side. He doesn't try to elaborate further.

"But...doesn't she like playing with you? I like playing with you—"

"Ryu, let's not trouble Kookie, we must leave," her mother clutched Ryu's hand, the latter reluctance on leaving without hearing an answer. Jungkook sighed, his mind trying to weave a coherent response. "I like playing with you too, Ryu," he paused. "But uh...I guess she doesn't. Not anymore. I am just not good at playing with her."

"Then why don't you two play some other game? You...you can, ah! You are good at playing puzzle!" She encouraged, only to be dragged out of the daycare by her mother as Jungkook waved her goodbye.

Ryu's words somehow ignited a speck of hope that had dissipated in these days that he was ignored. He didn't have the guts to appear before Lisa and he always thought that kids couldn't help him in his troubles. Maybe it was time that he tried to apologise to Lisa, if he didn't really want to get cut off from her life.

ᯤ

To his luck, he arrived in front of Lisa's office building right in time when she was getting off work — almost running into him as he looked at her surprised form staring up at him.

"Jungkook?" She wondered, almost as if she were interrogating his presence. He was able to sense that Lisa wasn't ready for this conversation — well neither was he, even though he knew it was about to happen, anyway. So he started with a nervous stutter, "I...uh— you, you've been pretty quiet lately."

"Oh, I told you so, I'm busy." She answered, "got to be somewhere right now actually, I'm sorry. You have something to tell me?" Her expression looked genuinely regretful.

He just...didn't know what to say. His mind reeling back to conversation with Ryu, his conscience forcing him to interrogate: oh I came to investigate what you are so caught up with instead of apologising to you of being ass that night — his thoughts came to a halt as an unfamiliar man walked up towards them, standing beside Lisa.

"Sorry! I'm late. I got a call from mom so — oh, who do we have here?"

The man was fairly the same height as Jungkook, a little towards the athletic end of the scale. Jungkook looked at him with a puzzled brow as well, as Lisa stepped in to clear the awkward silence. "Jungkook, let me introduce you. He's Choi Hyun, we're partners for our company's recent project."

The word partner almost gave Jungkook a mini heart attack, but he didn't let that show; given the number of years he was under the effect of an unreciprocated cupid's arrow, he had become a pro at concealing it.

"Nice to meet you," he said, extending his arm. "I'm Jungkook."

Lisa elaborated that Jungkook and her had been friends for a long time and hinted a little at his profession, as Hyun simply nodded with a formal smile. "We should be leaving now," he spoke while impatiently checking his watch, and Lisa agreed, almost baffling Jungkook.

"You're going together?"

"Hmm. My car is gone for servicing since a week, so I use the bus lines to travel during the day, while Hyun offered to drop me home after work."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's alright Jungkook, I'm getting my car back tomorrow anyway, it's no big deal."

"But—" he gulped his protests down his throat, sensing there was nothing to fight against anyway. "Wait." He called out, as Lisa halted her steps, asking Hyun to give them a minute as the guy nodded, leaving to get his car.

Once they were alone, Lisa turned to face Jungkook, patiently waiting for him to speak. Jungkook, on the other hand, struggled with his words.

His lips stuttered when he pressed out, "are you still mad at me?"

"No, Jungkook. How can I ever be? You're....you're my best friend. We promised we'll always be by each other's side, remember?"

Of course he did. It was on the same day he first got the daisy for her on the school corridors.

"But..." Lisa halted, her face showing enough telltale signs that something was about to go down. Jungkook instantly hated that look on her face, a rather 'determined to leave' type, the one that sent chills of fear down his spine. "I think...it's better, if we forget whatever I told you last time. We should just, move on. We...I guess, you know, it's just become awkward now."

Jungkook stood rooted on his spot, frozen. His lips parted and his eyes instantly stung at the deeper message behind her words : Lisa wanted to move on. From him. She was leaving him for good.

Her smile was a little broken this time, but her eyes still held onto the last string of hope — as if she was expecting something. Jungkook's mind spiralled into another twisted net of thoughts.

Lisa couldn't go out on anymore dates — it's just a matter of time until she found someone she really liked, to get her mind off Jungkook. He would lose her at this rate, a fact he knew too well. He didn't want to lose her, not like this, before he actually told her how he felt for her. And he knew that Lisa was all he ever wanted — he'd be damned to let her go like this. He clenched his fist, biting the insides of his cheeks to break away from the anxiety boiling inside of him.

"Take care." Was all that left his mouth.

Jungkook could've sworn at the disappointment mixed into her smile this time, as Hyun's sedan stopped a few steps away — the doors of the white car come to a close as Lisa sat on the front seat, taking her away. Leaving Jungkook with guilt, agony and polluted air instead.

ᯤ

It's only three weeks later after the incident that Jungkook found himself in Lisa's apartment for an evening get-together. The occasion? Hoseok was leaving abroad to complete his masters in business administration in a week. Given that he mostly hung out with the Jung siblings, he was familiar with Hoseok's friends, most of who were mutually friends with him too.

One face in particular, was someone he didn't expect to see. Hyun.

An office colleague was what Lisa had described him. Then what was he doing here, tittering away with Hoseok and the rest of the elder's friends?

Suddenly Jungkook was reminded of little Ryu's words, where she had said Lisa was on a date with a certain man. Was it Hyun?

He didn't wish to investigate.

He didn't need to.

All of his suspicions came true a little over an hour later, when he saw Hyun and Lisa standing outside the small balcony. The glass door was closed, so Jungkook was barred from hearing what either of them were saying, however, it was easier to imagine what the conversation was.

The inkling of what was running in his head was confirmed when Hyun broke into a small smile, before he leaned in and placed a kiss on Lisa's lips. Jungkook didn't know if she had reciprocated the kiss because he immediately turned his back on them. He didn't have the heart to see it. The world had seemingly stopped for him, the image slowly burning itself into his head.

He doesn't wait for another second, the air suffocating him as greeted some polite pleasantries to Hoseok to wish him a safe journey before walking out of the door without another thought, despite the latter repeatedly calling him back to stay.

That night, he trudged his feet back into his home thinking maybe, it wasn't meant to be him at all. More so guilty of the fact that he couldn't blame it on someone, not when the rest of the world had no fault at his own actions.

ᯤ

Jungkook doesn't scream into the pillow out of frustration that night. Instead, he had himself cornered up on the bed, his back leaning against the wall. Bringing his knees close, he covered his face as he broke into heavy, rude sobs.

The dam of tears finally broke down, tearing away the false pretence of the wiser version in his adult self. Jeon Jungkook was born an idiot. He failed to see the several thousand cues the universe gave him. Lisa gave him one clear chance and many hidden ones in between, only for him to crush them under his feet like a bouquet of withering daisies.

His clothes were drenched in his tears and snots but he didn't care. A realisation soon struck him — he was too caught up with his own self deprecating thoughts that he never realised it was always him bringing his dirty laundry of unspoken words he dumped over Lisa to wash. All the more, he was insensitive to never take into account that Lisa was human too, and she had her personal emotional baggage to deal with as well.

In these years that saw them grow up together, there had always been the borderlines Jungkook was too fearful to cross. This had indeed bridged along a barrier and distanced himself from Lisa, not only physically but also in a mental sense. It forced him into swaying around a little to ignore that he was already in an awkward sitting, a habit he had developed to cope up with his nervousness.

It was a habit that instilled within himself as if it was an indispensable part of him.

It was a habit he hated, he wanted to get rid of.

The similar habit Lisa loved to call 'cute'.

Maybe Lisa was right when she said he was cute. He was cute for a reason; because he was never man enough to let his feelings out to her, clear and straightforward. Look where it pitted him.

The tightness in his chest, being sick of the lovesick illness had always resided in his heart — additionally, his heart stung a burning sensation this time around. Maybe it was really better like this, Lisa deserved better guys who could provide a perfect dreamlike romance she'd always anticipated than one awkward, inadequate Jungkook could.

Heartache was something that Jungkook regarded an age-old companion of his, but he had never imagined to learn more sides of it.

Yes, he was hurting. Eventually he'll get through it. He needs to. Maybe next time (if there's even a next time) he'll do better.

ᯤ

Jungkook spent the next two days crammed up in his bed, inside his even more lonelier apartment. He called in sick for a couple of days, no thing in this universe able to motivate him to get back to work.

Surprisingly, he wasn't much upset after the night he had cried himself to sleep — or say, not as upset as he'd expected he'd be. No, he wasn't chugging down bottles of alcohol like they show in the movies. He was pretty-much living a normal life at home, his life incredibly dull but nothing much had changed. He insisted on doing voice calls instead of video calls any time his mother called him. It took him only some elementary math for him to figure out that Lisa and him had lost connection long before the scene he witnessed that night.

His mind influenced him to watch more of funny compilation videos and comedy movies to brighten up his mood, only to cry before the TV.

It was not until the third day of his heartbreak week that Lisa stood at his doorstep. At first, he tried to shoo her away, but the persistent ringing of the doorbell forced him to answer her. Even after all that he'd gone through, Jungkook could never say no to Lisa.

The moment he opened the door, he was met by a palm sticking against his forehead, Lisa pushing herself in simultaneously as he continued to palm his cheeks and neck as if to check any signs of fever. The minute her examination ended was when she finally zoomed into his bloodshot eyes, faced morphed in concern.

"What happened to you? What are your eyes swollen?"

Looking at her closely reminded him of the events from the party that night, a round of waterworks threatening to spill from the corners of his eyes.

The next minute, the two were in the confines of Jungkook's bedroom, him resting on the bed as Lisa dragged a chair to sit beside him; all the while ignoring the tense air looming around.

"Is everything okay—"

"Is hyung done with his packing?"

"Oh, yes. He's leaving in two days. What about you, hmm? I went to the daycare centre, the receptionist tells me that you've been on a sick leave. Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's nothing...I'm okay." Jungkook dryly chuckled, fidgeting with his fingers. "What brings you here though?"

"I came to check up on you." Lisa hummed. "And I got you meds just in case," she added, her hand rummaging through her handbag to pull out a plastic pouch with some emergency antibiotics.

"There was no need," he said, heart warming up at her delicate actions. "I saw you and Hyun kissing at the party. You two a thing?"

He didn't mean to throw this question; but his curiosity had no reason than to blurt it out.

"You saw that?" Lisa's cheeks developed a crimson hue. "It's kinda unexpected, but he said he likes me."

"Oh. Do you like him back?" He asked in a soft voice, afraid of an answer.

"I asked him to give me some time. What do you think I should do?" Lisa asked, her gaze tracing his features as her hand reached out to push a few strands of hair out of his face.

Jungkook let out a soft whisper. "Turn him down...."

Lisa's eyes widened a little. "Why?"

"Because I..." Jungkook felt the similar strangle building up his throat yet again, but unlike all the other times that he had succumbed to his fear, he decided he was going to open his mouth, just this once.

"Because I love you and I want you to choose me instead." The tears began to slowly cascade down his cheeks, falling against his will.

Lisa on the other hand, stared at him shocked and unprepared for the sudden confession. She may have yearned for Jungkook to reciprocate her feelings, but never did she think she'd get to hear it at a time like this. She didn't want to respond to him carelessly without reflecting first. So, she stood up and picked up her bag.

A second later, Jungkook found himself alone.

ᯤ

Hoseok's departure after two days coincided with Jungkook's birthday. He had been just too caught up in an emotional mess that his own birthday skipped out of his head.

After much contemplation, he finally stepped foot out of the house, only to sit alone in a seesaw of a park that was only a three minute walk from home. He checked the time on his phone and began a countdown to his birthday.

The phone buzzed the minute it struck twelve as Jungkook stared at the moon, a wistful smile on his face. Almost suddenly, multiple fireworks shot up, lightening the sky at some distance, probably in celebration of another occasion. In midst of this, sounds of footsteps approaching him alert him.

His eyes softened when the figure walked closer, fireworks illuminating the familiar face.

In Lisa's hands was a vanilla cake, the icing consisting of daisies and a candle lit in the centre — she stilled herself before him to sing the four memorable lines of Happy Birthday, before carefully squatting down face to face with him.

"Happy birthday! Blow the candle and make a wish." Her eyes squinted down into a soft smile. Jungkook was in midst of sniffles as he followed what she said, cutting a piece of it to feed Lisa who took a small bite, before doing the same with him.

"Why are you still here....after all I did only hurt you?"

"Maybe because I never stopped loving you, Jungkook. I don't know how long you've been in love with me. I might have missed your little confession in eighth grade, and it's because I'm terrible at picking up hints. And I know, that whatever you did, it was never intentional of you to break my heart. We've been in these endless seesaw for years, and it's tiring. But I want to make it up to you if you'll allow me. Let's give us a chance, Jungkook. You deserve a lot more than this measly cake."

Jungkook wiped the salty water from his cheeks, a little frown on his features. "You're so evil. You know I'll always say yes to you. I want this too, Lisa."

Lisa's smile was the most radiant under the moonlight, the brightest Jungkook had ever seen her smile. Before he leaned in to kiss her on the lips, he hesitated to ask, "those fireworks?"

"Hobi oppa's idea. He's just so extra at times, you know. He said he wanted to kick off with a blast." She added with a chuckle, before sealing her lips with his, uncaring of anything else in the world. And for the first time in the many years, the many kisses she'd had, this one was the most different; it felt like home.

ᯤ

The daycare was closing down for the day as Ryu waited for her mother to pick her up; the woman had been running late today. The car horn was heard, as Jungkook walked out, carrying the girl in his arms as he handed her bag to her mother again.

Just then, another car parked behind, the three of them watched as Lisa walked out, approaching Jungkook.

"Kookie," came in Ryu's voice, as Jungkook looked down at her again. "Yeah?"

"Are you playing together again?" She asked with an inquisitive stare as his face broke into a smile. "Yes, we are." He called back, watching as Ryu smiled at him, just as bright too, before happily skipping her way towards the car with her mother.

"Woah, you're here? The sun still sets in the west, doesn't it?"

"Yah, what is that supposed to mean? I can't come to see you?" Lisa deadpanned as Jungkook immediately tried to resort to her.

"That's not what I meant— uh... what are these flowers for?" He pointed at the bouquet of white flowers resting in Lisa's arms (daisies, who would've known).

"Well, they're a bribe" She grinned at the endearing boy, "to go out on a date with me today."

"You sure know the way to my heart."

"Of course, don't I?" Lisa fluttered her eyes dramatically, as a bunny smile already worked a way onto his lips.

In that moment, Jungkook stared at Lisa with nothing but sheer heart eyes the eleven-year-old version of him did, as if she held his entire world. Lisa's hands squeezed his a bit tighter, giving him a reassurance that she would choose him over and over again in the same heartbeat, because he was all she'd ever known and he would be all she'd ever love.

F I N .

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A/N

i wrote this scenario around the time when i was dealing with a lot of shit concerning my account lately. i've felt like giving up and deactivating multiple times only to get distracted with everything because of this single idea.

so to add, this one scenario is a bit personal to me, for it's somewhat related to my real life; jungkook's personality is literally a self insert of me and this ain't a joke, i'm pretty dense when it comes to socialising 🥲.

i am happy with how it turned out because at one moment, it was like writing a self-care letter to my younger self and in another bit, it felt like penning down an emotional autobiography by exaggerating a bunch of fictional elements lmao.

lmk how y'all felt after reading this, any form of a generous feedback/criticism works as a motivation which is something i'm desperately in need of atm 💜
— authornim.