Dedicated to the multitalented Allie Dawn for the amazing character video she made! You can view it in the Intro, and check out her stories on her profile! <3 

A/N:

Just wanted to say that, for now, I'll be writing this story solely for fun. As a result, the story might progress slower than most. Once it's completed, I'll probably see what I can do with it, cut some from the beginning and such.

I very much enjoy writing from Joshua's point of view. I get to learn my character more and stretch the writer in me since he's quite different than my other characters.

Hope you enjoy learning him, too!

-N.S.

----------

"He all but called me a sadist. I'm not a fu... a freaking sadist!"

My uncle was silent. I couldn't tell if he wanted to let me continue speaking or if he just wasn't sure what he should say in response.

"I don't know why he would say something like that," I continued. "No clue. Really, it's not like I..." Pausing, I searched my mind for the words needed to get my point across. I couldn't find them. I tried anyway. "Well, it's not like..."

Through the phone, I could almost hear him raising an eyebrow to have me rethink my words. Still, he didn't say anything. I knew he wanted me to work through my confusion on my own. We both knew it was better for me to come to the conclusion myself than for it to be given to me. As much as I loved Uncle Moises, I'd been unjustifiably offended by truth in the past.

"Ay, Bendito... Dustin is right." I hung my head; the sudden weight of the realization was too heavy.

"Is he?" my uncle asked knowingly.

"Maybe..." I hated to admit it, even to myself. In a way, Dustin was very right. When Lauren decided our relationship wasn't enough for her... when she confessed that she was bored... It all went back to that day, that pain, the fear of that ever happening again. I'd unconsciously decided that, in an effort to protect myself, if anyone were to become bored, it would be me.

"What will you do about it, Josué?"

It was my turn to be silent, but my mind was not. If I wanted to change, my only options were to take a vow of celibacy or give my all when I gave anything. No more ten percent. I knew, though, that I couldn't do either. The part of me that craved intimacy -- emotional intimacy -- remained. It didn't all die when my relationship with Lauren did. But the other part of me was terrified to let myself love a girl, at least the way I did before. It was too risky.

It wasn't necessarily their pain I was after. In that way, Dustin was wrong.

Or was he?

Their pain was simply something that came from the real goal. But it was also their pain that convinced me of the depth of their feelings for me, which is what I needed. I needed their need for me. It wasn't until I knew I had it that I was satisfied, and I always left before I could lose it. It was stupid, really. It was the only way I knew how to deal with the insecurity.

Basically, I found my healing in their wounds.

"I don't know..." I finally answered. "I hate that he's right."

"I know you do," my uncle replied. "Despite what you may be thinking right now, you still have a very good heart. The fact that you hate that this is the truth shows me that not all of you was lost two years ago."

I saw his point. But it felt like I almost had lost all of myself over the course of two years. Each ten percent I gave was another ten percent I lost. The old me -- the innocent, optimistic lover -- was dying.

"My sweet, loving, innocent nephew is hiding in there somewhere," he continued, only half-joking, I'm sure. My frown turned into a small smile at the sound of his. "Josué, you only have to let him know that, while he is hiding from pain, he is also hiding from the 'forever love' that he desires. He won't find it by hiding. He needs to come out."

I nodded out of habit. "You're right. Thanks." I'm sure he knew my words were empty. I knew he was right, but it would take much more than that knowledge for me to act on it. I was too good at hiding to give up now. I hadn't been caught since Lauren.

"Anytime, mi sobrino. Now, let me help your aunt bring in the groceries. Talk to you later."

"Yeah. Later, Uncle Moises."

As soon as I hung up, my phone buzzed.

WILL HARRIS: JP! U going to Jake Stiller's party tonight?

I'd heard about it in passing earlier but not any details. They were all I needed before I knew where I would be spending the night. "No" just wasn't in my vocabulary when it came to parties.

ME: Time?

WILL HARRIS: 9.

ME: Address, please and thank you.

I was originally planning to have a quiet night at home but that was only because I'd had nothing better to do. I had no idea who Jake Stiller was, but "party" was the magic word.

I thought about dragging Dustin along with me but decided to save that for whenever I actually wanted to end our friendship. He wasn't exactly a partygoer. Not a very willing one, at least. I still had hope for him, but there was always a next time, and I didn't feel like being interrupted with a multitude of texts from him that all said the same thing: Are we done here?

It took about fifteen minutes to get to Jake's. Cars were lined up down almost his entire street. But once I got inside, I saw that it seemed as if there were more people in the house than the amount of cars would suggest.

Before I could text William to let him know that I was there, as he'd oddly made me promise to, I heard his voice right beside me, shouting over the music -- Trey Songz, currently -- and the voices of the crowd.

"Josué Porter!" he sang, dragging out the last syllable of each name. "Wouldn't have been a party without you!"

We man-hugged before I flashed a confident grin. "Well, duh!"

"Or your feigned cockiness," Will added, rolling his eyes.

I raised an eyebrow. "Feigned? Feigned, Will?" I gestured to myself from my head to my waist. "You're looking at the real deal!"

Tyler joined in, slapping William on the back. "One hundred percent, full-blooded, certified cockiness right there."

Nodding once, I smiled sarcastically and assumed a godlike pose, stretching my arms out on either side of me and relaxing them at the elbows. "Thank you, Tyler."

"Anytime at all!" Tyler left toward the back door. It seemed a few teens were playing pool on the lanai. Will nodded toward the back, silently suggesting that we walk and talk, and I nodded in agreement.

"So, Josh," he began, throwing an arm around my shoulder, "it's been a while. What's new in your world?"

"Nothing much."

"Didn't bring Emma?"

I shook my head, mustering up the saddest smile I could. "Yeah, no..."

"Aw, man, that's right... I'm sorry." He removed his arm from around me to look at my face. Similarly to having a moment of silence for the deceased, we stopped walking.

I shrugged. "It's okay, I guess. It just wasn't meant to be."

At first, I didn't understand why William's expression became more heartbroken. Not until he said, "You're handling it like a champ. I hope they find a cure."

I knitted my eyebrows in confusion. "A cure?"

He nodded, patting me on the shoulder. "For your AIDS, man. That must suck."

What?

Wait.

She wouldn't...

"Emma told you I have AIDS, didn't she?"

William gritted his teeth. "Crap. Was that a secret? I haven't passed on the information, promise, but she told me you were cool with her telling people, for the sake of having more people to pray for you."

She would.

I chuckled dryly. "Emma lied, Will."

"Emma? Lying?" But the stunned, amused, doubtful expression on his face changed, probably after seeing that mine remained serious. "Damn, she's brutal. You gonna be okay?"

"I'm surviving AIDS, right?" I let out a short laugh. "I think I can handle a crazy ex-girlfriend."

As we passed the speakers in the living room, it got too loud for us to hear our own thoughts, so we waited until we were outside to say anything else. It was much quieter out here; most people were inside, and the sliding glass door blocked some of the noise.

William and I took our seats on a vacant sofa in the corner, watching the game of pool for a little while. When that got old, he opened his mouth to start a conversation but Cade sat between us, carefully so as not to spill his drinks, before William could get a word out.

"Will, Josh," he said, turning to us one at a time as he said our names. "I come in peace, bearing gifts. Smirnoff. Green Apple. I only had two hands, and one of these cups is mine, so y'all are gonna have to fight for the other."

I glared playfully at William behind Cade's back, daring him to fight me for it. He knew better.

Holding up his hands in a sign of surrender, Will said, "Thanks, Cade, but I'm good for now. It's all yours, Josh. Enjoy."

I took the cup and felt its chilly exterior for a bit. It was hot outside. I contemplated putting it against my neck.

Cade had a sip of his, then took a bigger drink, seeming somewhat reluctant to put it down, even to speak. "So glad you could come, guys. Make yourselves at home, stay as late as you want..."

William shook his head. "Cade, I'm pretty sure this isn't your house..."

Cade shrugged. "A guy can dream. Sure beats the reality of living in a trailer." He waved his free hand around, gesturing to the entire house. "I mean, look at this place!"

To me, it wasn't too impressive, but I got why he'd think so.

Jake's house had two stories, three garages, and a stunning interior design complete with marble counters, stainless steel appliances, and elegant everything. What it lacked was a decent sized yard -- both the back and front -- and a pool. The absence of those two things were definitely not deal-breakers, but I'd been in nicer houses.

"Well, Cade," Will said, "just wait until you see Tristan Matthews' house. It's a mansion. I've been trying to talk him into having a party but he's on the fence. Something about his younger sister, I think. I dunno. Someday."

Cade nodded. "Someday." Then he turned to me. "Heard the news, Josh."

Oh, no.

I swallowed quickly to answer him, almost choking on my drink. "I do not have AIDS, Cade."

His eyebrows rose high in surprised. "That's great! But... why would Emma...? I mean, of all people... She was so nice to everyone. Anyone she spoke to, I should say. Now this?"

I sighed and took another much needed swig of my Smirnoff.

William answered for me. "As far as I understand, he..." He leaned around Cade to poke my shoulder. "...destroyed her dreams, Cade. She wanted a 'forever' with him and it was taken away from her, ripped right out of her hands. People can do some seriously crazy stuff out of spite."

I nodded. "Indeed." Helping to defend her was not my intent. But pointing a finger in her direction would make me a hypocrite.

"Yeah, I see what you mean." But Cade clearly wasn't convinced. "That still wasn't cool of her."

I shrugged it off.

"Cade, can you get me one of the same?"

Cade, his face pretty much still in his cup, answered after sighing deeply. "What has two legs, two hands, and can get it himself?"

William laughed. "Oh, you're hilarious tonight. Fine." He rose from the couch and leaned in to check my cup. "I'm going to get one. If you want me to get you another..."

"Ah, would you?" I handed him my empty Solo cup, hating the fact that it was empty. "Thanks, Will."

"De nada."

Even though it was just Cade and I on the sofa, at least for now, he scooted closer.

"You know the very best part about being single?" he asked.

I had no feelings against receiving an uplifting talk but wondered if I looked like I needed one. Probably, but that was only because Will was taking way too damn long with the drinks.

I could list several benefits of being single but waited curiously to hear his number one.

Once I realized he was really waiting for a response, I said, "Go on. Let's hear it." I wasn't sure he had much to compare singleness to. He was more of a matchmaker. From hell, but a matchmaker nevertheless.

"Well, Josh, I'm glad you asked. The best part about being single: you get the opportunity to go right back to the start with someone new. There's not much like a fresh start."

"True." But I could tell he had more to say. "Continue."

"What you need is a fresh start." Cade leaned in even closer, pointing toward the group playing pool. "You see that girl over there? Short shorts..."

I saw her immediately. The shortest out here for sure. It seemed even shorter as she bent low over the game table, reaching for a ball in the center. My eyes lingered as he went on.

"Open back shirt..."

"Yeah, I see her. That's Danielle Acosta, right?"

"Yup. Acosta you nothing for a good time!" Cade said, laughing at his own joke.

No wonder he was single.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, that's problem number one."

"How is that a problem?" His expression alone told me he thought I was crazy. "Look at her. She's hot!"

Shaking my head, I scrunched my nose. "EF, man, and what are you? Are you my pimp now?"

Cade knitted his eyebrows. "You mean AF?"

"No, no. Not as. Easy. I mean she's an easy one."

He sighed. "Well, then, there's that girl over there."

I followed his gaze to the corner of the patio. It was empty, vacant, all except for a girl who was looking down at her phone as if it was the most intriguing thing in the world. I'd seen her type before.

No problem at all.

"She's kept to herself mostly, hardly makes eye contact," Cade said. "I offered her a drink and she turned it down, and me, too, in the process. You want a challenge? Go right ahead."

"Ah, well, that's because it was you." I nudged his arm. "I'm sure she's not a challenge for the rest of us."

He nudged me back. Hard. "You're an ass."

I threw my head back in frustration. "It's a joke, Cade. Not a dick. Don't take it so hard." He really didn't know how not to take things seriously.

He groaned. "Just go."

My eyes went back to the girl. She was off her phone now, looking around with her fingers playing at the end of her hair. "All right. Wish me luck."

"You don't need it. I've seen you in action. The rest of us..." Cade nodded toward Danielle. "We take what we can."

William returned as soon as I left the couch, his hands full with the drinks. "One for you..."

I held my hands out in front of me, refusing to take it. "Nah, man, you know I don't drink."

His head jerked back in surprise. "Okay, then..." He sat beside Cade, leaning in to say something in his ear.

"Just watch," Cade replied. "You'll see."

There was one thing I was missing, an easy fix for hiding the evidence of the alcohol I already had. Gum.

I pulled a stick out of my pocket and chewed thoroughly before turning back to my destination. She was looking right at me but dropped her gaze when I caught her.

Her phone was back in her hand when I reached her.

"Hey."

She didn't look up.

"Hey," I said again. This time, she did. "Party scene not your thing?"

She shook her head. "Not really."

I smiled. "Same. I've been sitting out here the whole time to get away from all the noise inside. It's loud!"

Blue eyes wide, she nodded. "I know. That's why I'm out here."

"Friends inside?" I gestured to the living room. Through the glass door, I could see the dance party that seemed as if it could go on forever. I kind of wanted to join them. It would be instant -- but less satisfying -- gratification. But I had patience.

"Yeah."

"Aw, that's not cool. They should be out here with you!"

She shrugged. "They say I'm not cool, not fun or whatever."

I laughed. "Relatable. My friends tried to convince me to drink for that very reason. It's really not my thing, though."

She looked toward Will and Cade, confusion all over her face. "Weren't you just..."

"It was water." To act surprised, I let go of my smile and added, "Wait... were you watching me?"

"No, I..." Blushing, she looked to her feet. "I just... Well, I noticed you." Her shoulders fell and eyes closed tightly as she blushed even harder over her excuse. "Um... Do you mind if we rewind and... change the script? My name is Katrya."

I shook the hand she offered and smiled genuinely at her cuteness. "Well, Katrya, I would honestly be lying if I told you I didn't 'notice' you, too. I'm Josh."

She opened her mouth to speak but was obviously hesitating. Finally, she asked, "Say my name again?" So I did, and her smile grew. "I like your accent. Where are you from?"

"Puerto Rico, and thanks. I like yours, too."

"Ooh, cool. So, you live around here now?"

I nodded. "Made California my home four years ago."

"I bet you miss Puerto Rico. Everything about it just seems so beautiful to me."

"Every place has its faults." I shrugged. "Besides... there's plenty of beauty right here in California."

Our little corner went silent. Her eyes couldn't seem to settle on one thing. They bounced from mine to the ground and then back as the pink in her cheeks became more pronounced.

"Do you want something from inside? A snack, drink..."

Katrya briefly checked her phone, frowning at the screen. "Actually, I'm just ready for a break. From the noise and crowd... But my friends haven't texted or called or anything to say they're ready. Knowing them, they won't be for quite a while."

"Want to find them with me?"

Crossing her arms, she answered, "They probably won't be happy if we just interrupted them."

"I see." I ran a hand through my hair and looked toward Will and Cade. They had their faces in Will's phone, probably watching a funny video, judging by their laughter and the light flashing on their faces. "I'm kind of in the same boat."

"You carpooled and now you can't leave without them?"

I tilted my head slightly and rubbed my chin. "Well, no... They won't let me leave. Not until I have a drink..." I gestured toward them. "But they don't seem to be paying very close attention to me for now; I could probably sneak out if I'm careful enough."

I caught her frown a millisecond before it left.

"Yeah, good luck," Katrya said with a soft smile and a nod.

"Thanks. I guess I'll see you around?"

She nodded, although I could tell that we both knew that would be unlikely.

I started walking away. I was right between the sliding glass door and the corner I'd just left when I halted and turned back around. Her eyes were still on me. I waved her over before she could look away, then continued toward the living room, stopping around a corner just at the entrance, out of William and Cade's line of vision.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry, Katrya..." I watched her face closely. It had the same subconscious reaction that it did the first time I'd said her name, trilling the r. Perfect. "I should have offered but shyness sort of stopped me... and I know we just met, really, but I'm pretty sure you're not some serial killer." I laughed as she did, too. "I tend to have decent discernment skills. Anyway, do you want me to bring you home? Do you live far?" I kept my hands tucked away inside the pockets of my jeans to send a silent message.

Usually, I would touch a girl lightly to disarm her, but it was easy to see that a move like that wouldn't work on this one. I wanted to let her know that I wouldn't try anything, not unless she wanted me to.

"Not very far, no. I don't want to inconvenience you, though."

I shook my head and waved away the idea of her being an inconvenience. "For the longest time, I was pretty much known as their personal Uber driver..." I rolled my eyes, pointing a thumb toward my friends, who continued to laugh on the couch behind me. "I don't mind it too much, though. As long as they get home okay." That was all true. It was only recently that they'd gotten their licenses and cars to go with them. I was sure Dustin was happy that he'd no longer have to share a car with them.

"Okay, yeah. Thank you!"

I led her inside and through the crowd, past the dancing and the drinking, and to the front door. I could tell she wasn't comfortable with the environment; she stuck close the whole way through.

The volume of the room increased when a small group near the exit started clapping and cheering.

"You go, girl!"

"Proud of you, Katrya!"

"Atta girl!"

"What was that about?" I asked once we were outside. "They're your friends?"

"Yeah... They're just being silly. They see me walk out with a guy, and... Yeah."

"Got'cha." I opened the door of my Audi for her. She got in and looked around.

"A black Audi S5. Nice!"

"Yeah."

"But why are the windows so dark?" Katrya asked. I wasn't sure if she was ready to know. "They're black. Are you sure you're not a serial killer?"

I winked at her and closed the door.

My phone buzzed twice. I pulled it out once I was seated, too, and it ended up slipping out of my hand. Katrya picked it up and handed it to me.

The first message was from her. It was her address. The second was from Cade.

CADE DAVIS: Done already? New record!

I was worried she might've seen the text. Just in case, I said with a laugh, "My friend Cade just noticed I'm not there." Truth. "He says it's a new record for me." Truth. "Because I can usually hang at least a little longer... tolerate it, you know, before I bolt."

The truth of what Cade meant was that this was the quickest I'd gotten a girl to leave with me. I was a little amazed, too, at the lack of difficulty with a girl who came off as very challenging at first glance. It usually didn't take very long at all, but this was definitely a record.

"I usually don't last as long as I did this time," Katrya said.

"I don't blame you." I started the engine and took us out of the tight spot on the side of the road. She was quiet until we got onto the highway.

"I'm glad my parents aren't home..." She paused, and I waited for her to go into an explanation. It seemed like she wasn't going to, though.

The knuckle of her pointer finger went to her lips, which she parted slightly to allow it to enter her mouth. I forced myself to stop peeking, at least for a moment, as her teeth gently grazed the skin.

Why did she have to do that?

"Oh?"

Her lips became shiny as she slid her wet finger back out from between them.

Oh. Oh, no.

I bit mine.

"If they saw me coming home with a boy..." Katrya glanced at me, and I was sure I caught a hint of mischief in her eyes.

"I see."

Was she less innocent than I'd originally thought? Or was I reading too much into every glance... every action... every word?

Her finger went back into her mouth, and I knew two things: one, the new challenge was to keep my eyes focused on the road. Two, I'd have to if I wanted to get us to her place with our pieces together. Because, if she wanted, we could allow every little piece of us -- her shyness and my resolve -- to fall apart within the walls of her room.

Something told me she absolutely wanted.

"Do you think they'll be home soon?" I asked, skirting my real question. "Is it possible they'll be back before we get there?"

"Well, no... But they should be back by one... The thing is I kind of told them I'd be sleeping over at a friend's house, which I did plan to..."

"If you're back early, they'll ask questions," I said, finishing the thought for her.

She sighed. "Yeah, and I'm not all that good at coming up with excuses... I don't like lying, and hiding things isn't my strong suit." Clearly not. She was clever, but I saw right through her. She definitely wanted, and she wasn't hiding it, not anymore. "My friends are drinking themselves out of their minds right now... I don't like sharing a room with them when they're like this."

"Do you have other friends you can call? Family, maybe?"

Katrya shook her head, biting the tip of her thumb. "None that'll answer my calls at this time of night. Even if they did, it'd probably get around to my parents that I wasn't where I said I'd be. They have very loose lips."

I couldn't resist the smile that crept onto my face. "Well, Katrya, your secret will stay between us."

"Awesome. Thanks, Josh."

"Now, if you don't want to go home and your friends aren't an option... There's room at my place, if you want." My dad was at a conference out of state and Mom was working overnight at the emergency department. There would be no issues there.

Katrya smiled in a way that told me she wasn't at all surprised by my offer, or perhaps that she was even aiming for it. Where did Little Miss Shy take off to? "You're amazing."

"Sound okay?"

"Yeah, sounds perfect."

I nodded, unable to speak. If I did, there was no doubt she would have heard the desperation and desire in my voice.

I wished she would keep her beautiful fingers away from her beautiful mouth, and her eyes away from me. Will you please stop looking at me with those eyes? I wanted to tell her to stop. But, at the same time, I hoped she wouldn't.

What I really wanted was to pull over onto the side of the road and show her exactly why the windows were black.

"You have everything you need?"

"Mhm."

"Do me a favor?"

Katrya was silent, waiting to hear my request.

I finished, "Leave your lips alone."

She smiled knowingly but obeyed. I caught her. It made the rest of the fifteen minute drive a little more bearable, even though my pants were much tighter by the time we reached home. It helped to know it wouldn't be long before the issue could be dealt with.

I offered my hand and helped her out of the car, mumbling, mostly to myself, "You, Katrya, are one very surprising girl."

She gave me a little smile. "I probably would have been surprised by you, too... Except I've heard of you, Josué Porter. You're every man's enemy... every girl's fantasy. At least for a short time."

She caught me.

I looked down, playfully feigning shame, but my smile quickly gave me away. "Guilty."

With that, I led her inside, where I proved myself to be everything she'd heard.