"If i wasn't important, then why would you waste all of your poison"

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Trigger warnings: suicidal thoughts, attempt of suicide, sexual assault or harassment.

With my heart thumping on the speed of marathon and stomach flipping with unease, i stand in front of a huge beautiful apartment. I look down at the phone in my hand to see if this is the right location. It is.

I hear the loud music from inside, the party seems to be at full swing. I have no idea whose apartment this is, but i give no fucks about it right now. All i know is that my trust is being shattered by every passing second.

I was crying most of the twenty minutes ride to here, but by the time i reached here, i knew what i wanted to do. My head is pounding, one side of my brain feels blank and white.

I sigh and walk towards the entrance with a heavy heart. I parked my car in the parking, it was very easy, no one asked anything. I hope no one asks me here too. 

I put my phone on the back pocket of my blue jeans. I didn't change into simple clothes after arriving back at my apartment from my friends, considering I was too paranoid to think of anything rationally. 

As i was about to enter past the outer gate to the shiny lawn of the apartment, i was stopped by two guys again. The hoots of the people along with loud bass thuds against my head as they ask for the invitation which i don't have. The way the unknown person sent me the address with nothing else, i didn't think i'll need an invitation.

I stand there, with my almost shut brain to think of something before Jungkook himself comes here and i lose my little chance to expose the truth.

On my lack of response one of them asks me, "Wait, are you one of the girls that are booked here for tonight?"

I pinch my eyebrows. What does he mean? Then i see one of them smirk at me with their hungry eyes as they rake down to neckline of my white skin tight t shirt. 

Finally, i register what he meant and cross my arms in front of my chest, hiding myself. Before i could give some snarky reply, a manly voice interrupts them from behind them.

"She's with me," the guy says.

I've never seen him before. He's tall and on the lean side, wearing a lose red t shirt with some cartoon character on it along with lose jean shorts that come till his lower thighs. I have no idea who he is, but the way he's helping me here i think he might've sent me those photos.

"You sure?" the guard asks.

"Oh yeah! Let her in," he answers, coolly before he looks at me, "Come in, baby."

I don't react as the guys give me the pass to enter. The unknown tall guy smirks at me, checking me out as i reach him. I hate the male gaze.

"Thanks," i say, wanting to end this conversation before it even starts so that i can go inside and see what i was here for.

I could ask him if he is the one to send me the text but by the way he's looking at me is giving me creeps now. He probably doesn't even know me.

The lawn of the apartment looks full of life. People playing games on the table, red cups in their holds and some on the floor. I hear them laughing, having the time of their life. They look so lively unlike my presence here.

As I turn around to leave, his voice stops me.

"Hey. you can't just be like that. Who has called you in for help?" he asks, nearing me.

"I'm not here for anyone's help," i tell him, backing away. If he doesn't stop, i might end up punching his face. 

"That's even better. You can-"

His phone rings and he takes his hand to the pocket of his jean short. His hand wanders near there as his eyes look at my face, his mouth still tugged up into a disgusting smirk. But due to his lose oversized t shirt, he couldn't find the pocket. He curses under his breathe and looks down at the side of his.

I take the opportunity and quietly back away to disappear behind the people playing by the table. By the time he looks up to find me not there, i ran towards the entrance of the apartment. 

Inside the apartment, the loud music blasts in the speakers. The side of my head suddenly rings with loud screeches and i rub my temple, wincing at the pain.

There are guys and girls dancing, making out, getting drunk and playing games. It looks like a normal party. But i'm not here for this. I'm here to find him. 

As i'm looking around, a girl comes up to me. She has boy cut styled short hair, red at the ends. She wears a similar red leather dress, looking like a hot meal as her breats push out of the material of her dress.

"Hey, submit you phone and keys here," she says, and smiles.

"But why?" i ask her. It's not normal, or is it?

The basket she's carrying already has so many phones in it, and the other one contains keys. I already have trust issues, i can't just give away my things like this.

"Mm, it's for privacy. There are many bad guys here, you know. They wouldn't let some type of things to leak out," she explains.

"And keys?" i ask.

"Oh, don't be a bugger. Have you never been to a party before?" she looks at me with annoyed expression.

One after another, i'm coming across troubles. I want to get out of here after finding the traitor, the cheater. Should i ask her? She might know. 

"Um, i'm actually here looking for someone," i tell her, heart almost leaping out.

"Don't care, miss. Just submit your things here, or leave," she asserts.

"Ok, but where will i find them on my way out?' i ask her, giving up on the fact that anyone would actually help me here. I'll have to find him myself.

"Here, by the table. I'll be here only," she answers and i nod without wasting any further time.

As i submit, my hands start shaking as the uneasiness fills my veins. Nothing feels right. I still don't know what i'll do when i'll catch him red handed here. He lied to me, and i won't let him continue to do that. He would know that i'm not someone he can mess with anymore.

I turn around from her as she returns to her table. I look around. There are so many people here, and i know no one from here. According to the photo, they must be alone in some room. I don't know if they're in the same room anymore or not.

My heart sinks again as tears form in my eyes. No, i won't cry. I've been through this before, i am stronger than before. It's not my fault.

I take in a shakey breathe and then breathe out. Make up by Ariana Grande blasts in the speakers, hoots echoing around the whole area. I should find him in the rooms only first.

I take a few steps back when a figure stumbles into me. I suddenly turn around and apologise. When i look up, i see another handsome man in denim jacket.

"Oh, it's all good, beautiful. Are you alright?" he asks me.

"Yeah, i'm sorry," i apologize again and before anythimg could turn into frenzy again, i try to walk past him.

"Are you looking around for someone?" the guy asks me and i look at him again. He must've seen me looking around like i'm wandering.

It's almost impossible for me to find Jungkook when i don't know where he actually is. If someone has seen him, it'll get easier. Plus i'm having this bone chilling feeling that someone is watching me, making me want to curl up. I felt this in the uni too. 

"Jungkook. I'm looking for him," i blurt out, nervousely.

The guy smirks, "He's outside in the pool room."

I sigh and nod. The pool room which is outside. I need to find it. 

"Thanks," i tell him and walk past him, not waiting for another moment.

I walk fastly past the people, taking care of not stepping on their feet. Goosebumps rise on my body with every step that i take. I'm going to see the truth. Once again my voice is right. 

It's so pathetic that i thought that i'm finally happy. The voice is right. It had always been right, isn't it? I'm just unlucky, happiness runs away from me, it doesn't like staying with me for long.

And i hate this. It feels so excrutiating to try over and over again. I was thinking that this could stay longer, at least, but no, i'm just not meant to be peaceful. 

I sniffle, tears accumulating in my eyes. At least i know for sure now, i won't ever trust anyone again. I won't try ever again, the end is almost the same, just more worst right now.

I push past more people to reach the entrance of the apartment again. At the front lawn, the party is on full swing like a few moments back. It's now that i acknowledge that i don't know exactly where the pool room is.

Should i ask someone? 

I try to stay calm, to not wake the voice for now. When i'll get a little more nervous or anxious, it'll come to life. For now, i don't want that. So, rather than asking someone for help, i try finding it by myself. 

I gulp loudly as i turn to find it on the side of the apartment. I walk along the walls of the place. The number of people around here is so less. It's slightly darker at the sides too.

Anxiety starts crippling inside me and i almost feel like getting out. As the voices diappear behind me, the crippling feeling rises more up my body. I bite my lip, My breathe starts getting shallower.

I reach the corner of the side, the back of the apartment is just the corner away, I can see light illuminating from the corner. The pool room can be around the corner. 

I lick my lips and keep on walking. I look behind me to see if there's someone around. No, there isn't. 

As i reach the corner, i stop. I have no idea what the back holds. My heart screams at me to leave. It's better to not see anything because i know the truth now. The guy said Jungkook is here.  Maybe i'll see the most dreadful thing. But i need to confirm, show him that i know it all and that he can't fool me anymore.

I give out another shaky breathe and turn around the corner. I stop in my tracks at what i see. My hands shake and my mind screams at me to run immediately.

The guy in red t shirt stands there, already looking at me and he's not alone. There are other four men with him. They all look dangerous. Most of them have tattoos and pervert smirks on their faces.

There's a swimming pool on their other side. It appears all dark like some big hole to hell, and deeper too. My skin prickles with sweat as the fear cripples up me.

Move, girl, run!

I back away from their stares but i couldn't go further than two steps as i collide with someone behind me. I look back to see the guy in denim jacket. My stomach churns and i almost feel like throwing up. 

"Running away, beautiful?" he asks me, a sinister smile clads his face.

My legs wobble as i look in my front to see those five men eyeing me up and down like i'm some prey of theirs. The ache in my head makes the one side go numb by now. I'm trapped.

"Fuck off," i growl out and try to walk past him. 

He blocks my way, i try to duck from other side but he blocks me again. I look up at him with fury filled terrified eyes. His eyes darken as he steps into my space, making me back away towards the other men standing behind me.

Looking right into my eyes, pouring all the black intensity into mine, he keeps on stepping closer to me. After a few steps, I stop backing off because at this pace, i will reach those dangerous men behind me. The denim jacket stops too, not at a very comfortable distance.

I can smell alcohol and drugs from him. Despite his pretty looks outside, he is more dangerous than one can think.

"C'mon don't play the innocent part, or is this a part of your play," he asks me.

"Let me leave, or you'll probably regret crossing paths with me," i glare at him, my insides shaking like a leaf though.

"Aw, the little princess knows how to be feisty, hm?" i hear the voice from my back for me to acknowledge that the red T shirt is now walking towards me.

My hands start shaking and i have to ball them into fists to stop the unnecessary trembling. The strong alcoholic smell invades my nostrils as the guy nears me, his other guys following him. It's now that i realise that how bad of a situation i am in.

I gulp, regretting even coming here. I wasn't even thinking about anything like this before i stepped a foot here. Not only I could not catch Jungkook red handed, but I'm now trapped in another trap.

It's almost as if i'm sandwiched between. The denim guy is blocking my way from one side, and the red t shirt guy is closing in the distance from other side.

"Stop or i'll scream," i say, my voice trembles with fear now. 

I don't even have my phone on me to call for help.

"For all means, go ahead. I'll love to see how loud can your scream get," the red t shirt guy says.

"Who were you looking for all alone in the party of predators?" he asks, the voice dies in my throat.

I can scream, call for help. I should do that, but i don't even feel my voice anymore. The voice in my head constantly mocks me to say something, not to be a fucking coward. But i feel paralysed, almost as if i'm glued to my place, looking at them.

"Jungkook, she was looking for him," denim guy answers instead of me.

I look down at the green grass, my legs shivering like glass shattering. Everything that happened today comes dawning upon me. If i could reset the day, i would never live this day again. 

The guys, all of them, laugh at me. Yeah, laugh at how pathetic i am.

"That bastard must be up in some room shagging some chick," the red t shirt guy laughs out and i look at him, my heart sinking further.

Jungkook is here. I mean i knew it, but the smallest of hope is now crushed to ground. 

The way I'm looking at him, the guy reads it somehow. And he laughs out at me.

" Wait. Are you his another whore?" he asks me.

"I'm not his whore!" I scream.

I didn't do anything wrong. It's him who actually did this to me, made a fool of me and tried keeping me for granted. I don't know why I deserve to be called names, and not him.

If I could go back in time, I could've never let this happen. Hell, I would've let my brain guide me and I would've stayed away from him, wouldn't have gotten carried away with the danger he came into my life with. I could've fought harder, wouldn't have started falling for him.

Every guy here laughs at me and I feel rage, with a tinge of humiliation. Their laughing faces resembles the voice in my head, telling me constantly how wrong I was about this one guy who I thought was my destiny.

"It hurts. I've seen many other girls crying for that motherfucker. Dunno why girls still fuck with him."

As they constantly snicker at me, my face gets even more red. They're right. Everyone was right. My brain was right, my friends were right. I was wrong. I went against them even though I knew this was bound to happen. I think I deserve this, don't I?

" But we promise you, sweetheart. We can treat you better than him," the red shirt steps in again, towards me.

A chill runs down my spine as I see a few guys behind him take their phones out to record the stuff that's happening here. Bright flashes straight on my face blinds my eyes, making me more self conscious. Tears brim my eyes as I try to hide away.

My skin covers with goosebumps because of cold air and the way he's stepping further towards me. I have no choice to back off from him, shaking my head.

"Cmon, don't be a tough fight. If JK fucked you, it means you have something under those clothes. Let us have a taste yeah?" he asks, and two guys hoot behind him while others laugh.

"Stop," I whisper.

My head sharply screech as I close my eyes at the pain. My gaze becomes hazy. The heartbreak with this gets too much to handle for my body.

Their laughs start to fade into nothing, my eyes start losing the sight as i am seeing grey all of the sudden. I struggle to even stand properly.

See, told you. He always has better girls to go back to.

"Why, sweetheart? Show us what you got there?" a man says and i feel his touch on my arm.

My eyes shoot up as i shrug the touch away. Laughs echo in my ears, i might pass out.

"Take that thin cloth off, beautiful."

Hoots follow next and i see the flash blinding my vision, along with some man nearing my face making me back off more.

Stop. Stop. Please stop. I chant inaudibly.

"Oh why, dude? You wanna see what colour bra she wearing or something?" someone laughs.

I don't have the energy or much brain to comprehend what they're saying. My mind is only wrapped around what they said a few moments ago.

That bastard must be up in some room shagging some chick.

It's again and again flowing through my whole system at this point. It's like i'm falling into a deep black hole. The pictures of him and her. The image of him doing all those things with her. The thought of being cheated on again. The fucking thought of never being enough.

My fault. And it's nothing new.

"Hey, c'mon," the denim guy says, touching my hand but when he comes near me, i got startled at the closeness of his skin on mine.

With my heart racing, mind blaming and head pounding, i startle when he suddenly got closer, making me back away again.

I shouldn't have.

I don't get time to acknowledge what happened when i registered that my foot is not touching the floor anymore. Before i could balance back on the floor, my body plunges backward and cold wet coolness engulfs my whole body.

I scream out loud but it got muffled when my whole body dives backward into the swimming pool which was behind me. My mouth is open as i was about to scream which led to the water enter my mouth, then my nose.

I can't swim and i feel like i'm going deeper and deeper. Everything around me shuts up, i don't hear a voice anymore, my mind goes blank and my eyes shut.

But then when i feel the breathing getting tough, my eyes snap open again and i start to struggle. My arms and my legs splash around, the want for air getting more crucial.

Panic surges in me as more water flows down my wind pipe, making it difficult to breathe. Fuck, i need to plunge upwards.

  I try to push my body upwards, my fear for dark gets the worst out of me as this constant chill makes it even harder in this black depth. Still i try, my body moves upwards. I push through the water to surface up.

After what feels like hours of struggling, my head shoots up from the water as i breathe in, coughing. The laughs get clear again, water splashes around me.  The flashes blind me again and i try to keep my weight up from the water.

My ears ring, head is about to brust open. Loud screeching increases on the side of my head.

"It's black, dude!" one of the guys hoot.

The phones grow closer and i acknowledge that they're filming my body which is wet now, the white t shirt clinging to my skin and making my black bra visible.

Embarrassment rushes in me as i suddenly move my arms to cover myself. 

I shouldn't have as i lose my balance again. I yelp for help but it only comes halfway out as the water engulfs me again. 

As i go down again, i struggle again. I try to scream for help, i try to push up again, but then i stopped suddenly, like it's of no use.

I start feeling around me, the coldness slowly making me numb and feel how peaceful this moment is. It takes me back to when i was fourteen. There's no loud ringing. There's no loud screeching, no laughs directed at me, no mind blaming me again and again.

It's nice to stay like this and get this over with. It's better, sin't it? Mom Dad don't have to keep up with a psycho daughter, my friends won't have anyone to burden them with and Jungkook wouldn't have to ever deal with a mentally sick girl like me.

He would feel it's better if he stays with other girls, back to what he has always been doing. 

My lungs start to burn and i know i'm getting almost negligible oxygen, but i don't struggle.  I let the serenity of nothingness take over me as i close my eyes. It's over, it's for bette-

A tight hold on my arm tugs me upwards. My body plunges towards the body that's holding me. In a matter of seconds, my face is up the water surface again.

On accord, i breathe in loudly but choke at how heavy my lungs feel with water filled in. My eyes are closed, ears still ringing.

"Fuck, Hana!" i hear a very familiar male voice.

He drags me out of the pool, my eyes are so hazy i can't even make out who the person is who's holding me. 

"Jungkook is going to kill you all," the man says, his voice filled with anger as he picks my body up in his arms to bring me out of the pool.

I know now who this person is. It's Michael's voice.

"Fuck dude, we didn't know the chick can't swim." 

I'm shivering against him and still coughing as he walks towards the green lawn to lay me down. My ears aren't working probably because of the lack of  enough oxygen, though i can hear them talk around me. I'm hearing Jungkook's name over and over again in the conversation making my head on the verge of blasting.

After laying me down, I feel Michael putting pressure in the middle of my breasts, pumping the water out of my mouth. After few tries, i cough out water from my mouth and some comes out of my nose. I breathe in harshly, coughing even louder.

I hear everything in hazy circles. The music from inside feels like it's blasting in circles around me. My stomach starts hurting and the sensations in my blood turns erratic again. 

I need to leave. I'll do something horrible if i stay here, in this premises at least.

"...you doin' here? Jungkook isn't..."

I hear Michael telling me something but i'm too lost in my mind. It's like blood has washed over my brain.

Michael makes me sit up and i look around to see no one else here. The hollow silence rings in my ears as he makes me wear a jacket that he must be wearing before he jumped into the pool for rescue.

He shouldn't have saved you. It's not like you have any purpose to live for.

"...you walk?" i hear Michael again as he lifts me up and i nod, absent-mindly.

He makes me stand up and my head spins for a second. He speaks something that i couldn't catch. When i'm fully on my feet, he makes me walk.

He speaks something again while saying Jungkook's name, and then everything comes crushing down of me.

Worthless.
Boring.
Used.

A whore.

"...shagging some other chick."

I can't breathe again.

Michael makes me sit on some bench. I shiver in cold, it's also because of the cold water and the feeling of betrayal again. 

I need to get out of here before the voice resurfaces again. 

"Stay here, i'll bring the towel, ok?" Michael asks me and i involuntarily nod, though i have no intention of staying here for a second.

I'll just run away. 

Michael stands up to leave for the towel for my shivering body. 

I wince as the skin on my right hand starts hurting. I look down to see the finger nail of my other hand scratching myself there harshly. I stop and look down at the blood coming out of my skin there due to intense scratching.

The worst thing is i didn't even know that i was hurting myself. This fact  alone is enough for me to know that it's happening again. I'm getting dangerous again.

Fuck, it's about to snap. I need to leave!

I put my left hand into the pocket of the jacket that i'm wearing to stop myself for doing something again. Just when i put the hand in, i feel hard metal in my touch. It's the keys.

I fish the keys out with my now sweating and shaking hands, my heart beating in my ears. The black ink is covering my brain as i look at the key. It's some car's, probably Michael's.

The loud screeching pulsing sensation throbs my head again and i clutch my head to ease the pain, wincing out at the intensity. I need my meds, i'll go insane.

I clutch the keys with my other hands and stand up. Tears form heavily in my eyes as i try to find my balance. I need to get back home as soon as possible or i'll kill myself.

I run with the keys in my hands towards the entrance. I reach the parking lot and click the button on the keys to hear a ting from the car these keys belong to.

Raging heart and breathe makes me feel sick but when i hear the car ting, and its back lights flick, i run towards the car. I know i shouldn't take his car but i need to get out of here right now before anything turns into disaster.

I slip into the black range rover and immediately, turn the engine on. 

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"Stop!" i scream loudly as i smash the vase right into the mirror in front of me.

Kill it.
End it.

Voice echo around me. It's so realistic, i feel possessed. The mirror shatter in front of me. The whole living room and kitchen area is filled with broken things. I broke everything that i could get my hands on to stop this voice from shouting and whispering to me.

The scraps of mirror fly around, one of them cuts my outer arm but i don't wince in pain. I feel like i want to stab that glass shred right into my wrist again.

Kill it.
End it.

I scream out and sit down, hugging my body as i cry loudly. 

Kill it.
End it.

"Stop stop stop, please!" i sob harder. 

It's getting harder. I can't do this to me, but it won't stop anytime soon. It's similar to all those years back. I lived in the horror of that day to happen again. It won't stop until i make it stop. Just like i did all those years back.

With crying eyes and shaking body, i look up and down at the shattered glass. I see my distorted image in it. I can't recognise myself. I feel like the black ink is climbing up my body again, it shouldnt reach my head.

Kill it.
End it.

"No no, please stop," i beg my own self.

I know it's not going to stop until i do that again, and if i do it again there's no coming back from it. There's no one here to save me.

But it'll be peaceful. There won't be any voice to talk to me again. I'll end it with my self.

My teary eyes look down at the glass scrap.

Kill it.
End it.

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I did a lot of research while writing this particular chapter. The suicidal thoughts that are caused by such auditory hallucinations is so much different and it needs so much deep knowledge on it. I have a friend who was suicidal in her early teens, she helped me with this too. 

My heart was in my throat the whole time i was writing this chapter. I hope i managed to successfully show the raw thoughts. And if someone relates to this, i hope you heal from it. Talk with someone, talk with me if you want to, just know you're not worthless. Your life is precious <3.

Also if someone who actually studies psychology finds something not right here, please educate me on that.

Thanks for reading. Vote for faster updates!

~Aster🌸