"These voices don't leave me alone."

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

It's raining today, probably the rain for the oncoming of the autumn with it's lifeless characteristic.

I feel a little cold even though i'm wearing the jacket, covering my arms and torso just fine. The baggy jeans that i'm wearing keeps my legs just enough warm but still i feel a shivers run down me as i walk towards the cafeteria of the uni with my one hand holding my bag and other one holding my baby pink umbrella.

It's quite around here for now as the day has just started. Students are still filling in, but there are just handful of people walking towards the cafeteria. As i reach the premises, i sigh in relieve. The rains are so frequent these days. 

I enter inside the hallway and shake the umbrella outside while closing it. Keeping it in the umbrella stand that only accommodates no more than two or three umbrellas, i walk down the corridor.

It's been three days since Jungkook and i started dating. Just three days and i already feel so happy. It feels relaxing, not a burden that i used to feel when i was in my first relationship.

Every morning since that day, Jungkook comes to my apartment to pick me up to uni in his black G-Wagon since his beautiful black McLaren is still out for service. And every time he comes in the morning, he wouldn't miss out on his favorite dessert. a.k.a. me.

He has made a full morning ritual to eat me out before he takes me to uni. It happened the day when Da Eun and Jae barged into my apartment too. After they left, he made me drink the whole soup(which was the most delicious soup i've ever had) and then ate me out feverishly like he's eating his favorite dessert.

At nights, he's usually busy with his gang stuff so when he breaks into my house after being done, i'm always asleep. He would leave after that, only to come back again in the morning to bring out the mind blowing orgasms out of me.

It happened last morning, and the morning before that too. Today morning, i was already anticipated. When he barged into my apartment, i was already wet with the thought of him doing that to me.

And he did it. He gave me such a mind blowing orgasm that i saw stars. I love this routine. I feel so energetic the whole day.

On whole. i feel really happy with him. Sometimes when i'm alone, my brain does warn me but i feel very confident in this thing that we have. He just makes me satisfied. Physically, mentally and well, emotionally too.

As i walk near the cafeteria, which is almost one turn away from this corridor, with a beautiful smile and red blush on my face because of the memories, i hear someone talking. It doesn't take me a few seconds to recognize the voice, and what he said.

"...to party tonight? In the middle of the week?" 

I hear Jungkook speaking and stop in my tracks. Is there someone with him?

I look around, my lips not smiling anymore as i heard the next thing.

"Would Mia be there?" 

My stomach flips at the mention of this name. As i hear no other person's voice, i guess he's talking to someone on call.

"I don't know... I'll confirm later," he says and then it goes silent. 

I stand by the wall, waiting for him to speak again, but he doesn't. I hear footsteps faintly, and i guess, he went inside again.

There is some party and he's asking if that girl would be there. It's nothing big. I should trust him, now that i'm dating him, isn't it? Maybe he wants to be there but not if Mia would be there too, considering he knows i don't like her much now.

It can be other way around too.

I gulp at the possibility. But no, he wouldn't do that. He literally asked me to be his girlfriend. If he wanted a fling, he would've left as soon as he achieved his "goal".

Ever heard of manipulation?

 My heart starts beating frantically at thought. Is this manipulation? Am i again being a fly in the web? My heart aches at the thought of this as my brain thinks harder about the possibility of it. But why would he manipulate me? 

My phone buzzes in my hold and i startle, a soft gasp falls out of my lips. I look down at the illuminating screen to see a message of Jungkook asking me where i am. 

My hazy brain gets clear and i shake my head slightly. No, i'm finally feeling happy after so long. I haven't developed full emotional trust on Jungkook when it comes to commitment, but i trust him enough to know that he won't do this to me.

I know he's real with me, and i won't let my brain fuck this up.

I sigh, clearing my mind as i take a step ahead but then i feel a shiver run down my spine with the tiny hair on my neck rising. There's someone watching me. I quickly turn my head around to scan my surroundings but there's no one.

My eyebrows pinch together as i look near the symmetric lines pine trees on the outer side of the corridor but find no clue of someone. Is this again my brain imagining things?  

I gulp as the creepy feeling climbs up inside me. I don't look back as i walk faster towards the cafeteria. It's a little dark right now because of the dark clouds in the sky and i hope there's no monster there. I know they don't exist but still!

As i practically sprint towards the hall, i  only stop once i was inside with my breathing a little higher than before. My eyes scan the hall to look for him. As if he sensed my arrival, he looks up at the same time my eyes landed on him, sitting in the corner table.

All the negative thoughts disappear at the sight of him. Jungkook looks so deliciously hot and attractive, just sitting there with his one hand which has stopped scrolling through his phone now. His black hair are pushed back, the skin on his face is glowing as his sharp eyes soften at my presence.

The black t shirt hugs his torso perfectly. He was wearing a black leather jacket when we came to college but it is now hanging on the chair he's sitting on. The tattoos look super dark on his milky skin now from the distance.

The only snack in here is him, and i actually want to eat him.

Jungkook gestures me to go to him. I literally stopped in my tracks at the sight of him. Fuck. that's embarrassing but i can't help when he's my boyfriend.

I walk towards him and in few steps, i reach the his table. When i reach him, he switches his phone off. Something stirs in me but i ignore it for my own good.

"Hello, my peach," he greets me as if he wasn't the one who dropped me at college after eating my soul out from my core.

I blush at the sudden thought as i sit down on the chair in front of him before i say,"Hi."

He softly smirks at me but then his phone's screen lights up with the notification. He looks down at the screen for a second, but doesn't type anything. He just keeps it down on the table, the screen facing downwards.

"So, how was your class?" he asks me and then his phone chimes again with another notification. 

My heart thuds against my chest as he looks at the screen of his phone again before he puts his phone to silent without replying to the text.

"Is it something important?" i ask him.

"No. Nothing is more and as important than you," he says and where i could've blushed at the remark like usual. i don't, this time.

The manipulation remark is roaming inside my brain now. I shouldn't think much about it, considering i know this voice in my head won't let me live peacefully. Though it has disappeared now that i'm with Jungkook, the question it posed in front of me isn't living me alone.

I want to prove it wrong. I want to ask him shit load of questions. Hell, i want to snatch his phone and check for myself but it would show him this paranoid side of me, the cracked side of me. So, i can only ask him questions for now and hope for honesty.

"Are you free tonight?" i ask. Please say yes.

"Why? Are you ok, peach?" his alert mode turning on as he straightens his back to reach towards me.

"Yeah. Just wanted to spend time with you." Please stay with me, at least tonight.

 "I'm sorry, peach, but i have an important work near downtown this evening. I can't skip it at any cost," he explains and i feel cracks appearing.

"What work is it?" i ask.

"Just some work about the gang," he answers. It's confidential. He can't tell me.

Or maybe it's an excuse.

The voice appears and i ball my hands into fists. It disappeared every time i am with Jungkook, why is it back here now? No, this isn't right.

"But i promise to get it done as soon as possible and come at your place by night, yeah?" his eyes softly tells me. At any other day, i would've believed him but i'm finding it difficult now.

Promises, promises. 

The voice mocks.

You're so naive to not see the similarities. He is even bigger manipulator than Mingyu. He managed to get into your pants, unlike Mingyu and you let that happen like a desperate whore.

I look at Jungkook and suddenly don't feel like being in here. If i stay here for longer, the voice will make me do stuff that i shouldn't let happen.

I just nod to him and open my mouth to speak. But he speaks first.

"Do you want to eat something?"

"No. Actually, i should go," i say, my brain buzzing with the activity, giving me migraine. This is getting too much.

His eyebrows pinch together, "Why? Where?"

"Library. I need to find a book to study for the coming test," i reason out.

"We can go together," he suggests.

"No!" i almost said too fast and his gaze darken with the constant rejection.

"I mean you distract me with your presence," i say and smile, i attempted at least.

His eye shone, "You get hot and bothered in my presence?"

I nod, "Yeah. Besides students will ogle at us together."

"Let them, they should know that you're my girlfriend," he smirks.

As much as the thought is tempting and fluttering, i still think it's better if i stay away from him for a while. I just need my brain off from overthinking.

I reject to his idea and he finally agrees, considering he knows my desperate want to give my one hundred percent best in the tests. 

I stand up, my head aching slightly by now. I just turned around to leave with my belongings when i was turned back around by him. My body smashes with his as his one hand circles my waist and other one  cups my cheek to tilt my face up. 

He smashes his lips to mine and suddenly my tense body physically melts in his hold, but my brain doesn't find a chill as it buzzes so loud that i break the mere press of lips.

He opens his eyes to look into my mine to find my pained ones.

"What's wrong, Hana?" 

"It's just headache," I say and step away from him. 

"There's something wrong that you're not telling me. Is something bothering you? or maybe someone?" his gaze darkens at even the thought of this.

I shake my head, "No. It's just the rain."

His eyes soften again, "You're afraid of thunderstorm. But it's just rain for now."

"Yeah, but there's this alert for heavy thunderstorm anytime and the thought is just giving me headache," i gulp suddenly.

He steps in closer to me again and hugs my body. His warmth engulfs me. Tears threaten to rise in my eyes as i keep on ignoring the paranoid voice getting loud in my head.

Do i trust him? Do i not?

"Hm, i know. Sometimes it's just beautiful and soothing rain at first, but then the loud thunderstorm comes, making it all scary again."

I try to blink away the tears. I should leave. Right now.

"I should go," i say and part away from him.

He hums, "Text or call me when you'll be free."

I nod. My throat gets heavy again and before my eyes brim with watery tears again, i turn around. My hand is clutching hard on my phone. My shoulders feel tense and heavy with the bag which isn't heavy at all.

His words ring inside my ears as the sky gets darker and i know it's going to rain very hard.

"Sometimes it's just beautiful and soothing rain at first, but then the loud thunderstorm comes, making it all scary again."

Maybe it's not just about rain or thunderstorm.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

I keep my pen down and switch the phone on again to see the time. 7:20 pm it says.

I bite my lip, anxiety eating me alive. My whole house is dark except this room of mine. I've peed almost a dozen times because of this unsettling feeling inside me. 

I avoided Jungkook the whole time in uni, i sticked around with my friends and by the time i knew he would be done, i left with my friends only. I went to their house afterwards.

Jungkook did ask me if i'm ok via chats, i told him i was, which i wasn't exactly but being with my friends made me a little less of a mental wreck, but now i'm back here. In my apartment. Alone. With my brain which is oddly silent now because i took the pill that my therapist gave me just in situations like this.

I took them after so long. It did make the headache go along with the voice getting silent inside me, but now my anxiety is at its peak. I myself am questions to me.

It all feels like two years back, but thousand times worse. I'm constantly telling myself that i'm just overthinking and i wouldn't get cheated on again, but this tiny part in me is contradicting it.

Manipulations. Fucking manipulations is all i can think about. 

This was the reason i didn't want to date anyone. I'm too broken, too fucking sick to be dated by someone. I hate Mingyu for heightening the already existing trust issues in me. I already am an overthinker and this contradictory voice, that definitely wants me die and get this all over with.

I sigh and try to calm down. I should focus on study. Jungkook promised to be here when he'll be done with the work, and it'll all be ok. 

For now, i just have to distract to myself.

Focus on something else. Focus on not thinking  ab-

My phone pinged loudly and i launch on it immediately to see if it's his message or not. I switch the phone on and see the notification. It isn't his message.

It's some unknown number that has sent me something. I lock inside the phone and open the chat. A few photos load in front of me and all the blood rushed down my body. Goosebumps cover my whole body. Heart thuds against my chest and i stopped breathing.

No. no no no no!

The photos have Jungkook and that girl on his lap. It's Jungkook for sure. He's wearing the same leather jacket he was wearing in the morning, his black hair are messy with whatever is happening in their. The photo looks like it's been taken from distance. Mia sits on his lap burying her face in his neck.

I drop my phone on the bed and cup my mouth, closing my eyes. No, this is me imagining things. He promised me he wouldn't do something like this. I'm going paranoid.

You got used again. Crazy of you to think you can be wanted actually.

"Stop!" i scream at the voice which has been screeching in my mind.

My phone pinged again. My teary red eyes look at the screen to see the text. It shows an address.

No. i won't go there. Jungkook told me to trust him, it can be a trap.

Yeah, it's better to be trapped in your house and wait for him to come and use you again, isn't it?

My heart beats so fast i think i might have a stroke, my ears ring and tears threaten to fall past the lining of my eyes.

You're so much manipulated into this that you can't even believe what you're seeing. He did his job nice and you're just a lamb in his trap!

"It's not...," i take in shallow breathes, looking down at the phone screen.

This is what he actually is and you've become exactly what he wanted you to be. A  naive girl who's trusting him- a bad boy who only plays with girls' feelings to toss them aside.

My mind turns black as i don't fight it. Everything he has done since the starting was manipulation? He is known for this. A damn heartbreaker. And i fell into his trap? 

He knew it all. He knew my past and he said all those words to make me believe him, the words that would comfort me at the right time. He saw me as an easy target, said everything i wanted to hear and kept me for granted?

He did all that? I thought it was going just perfect, but i also should've known that it was too perfect to be real. 

I should've never let my guard down. I knew it from the starting. Everyone warned me about him, i saw signs before too but i ignored. It's actually me who was naive to trust him. I thought i was smart but...

A tear slipped down my cheek as my hands tremble. I feel filthy. I feel used, and so much embarrassed. I thought this was different, but how could i not see that bad boys are meant to destroy, not heal.

I look down at the address with my hazy eyes again.

Save your little dignity, and catch him red handed before he can build a whole another web of lies and manipulation.

I'm not thinking straight, only believing what this voice is telling me. I saw these signs before too, and i would actually be so stupid to fall for all this again. It hurts to let my heart guide me into another betrayal.

I scramble out of the bed as my mind turns red,  head pounding with the emotions. The words of trust he shoved down my throat rises up, making my throat burn. 

I run out of my room and down the stairs to pick the keys of my car up. If he's going to do all those things with her, he might as well do them in front of me so that i know it all. So that i don't have it in myself again to trust anyone ever again.

I slam the front door shut behind me furiously as i walk towards the garage to drive out my car.

---------------------------------------------------

Kinda short update but i'm on the next update already. If you liked the chapter, just vote! 

~Aster 🌸