12 in the midnight. My eyes are still open and thinking the same thing for a hundredth times now.

My third wish

I looked at the calendar and where now down to 51st day. If I hadn't stopped myself earlier, maybe Yeonjun already heard me saying what he wanted to hear.

I open my phone without any reason. I've been stopping myself from calling Taehyun, even though I really want to. I woder what he's doing right now, what he's been up to. How was his work?

And why do I miss him so much when we barely do anything together?

Why is love so complicated? I only want to experienced being love by someone but all of this shits came to me at once.

I need to stop myself, I know. I know it really well. But if love is unstoppable then what should I do?

Also, grandma's life is up to me. If I let this feeling, I don't know what will happen to her. She might die and I don't think I can handle that.

I covered myself with comforter and forced myself to sleep. I'll decide things after I woke up. I hope I will have a firm decision after that.

OKAY, FUCK! I couldn't figure out anything!

"Hyung!" I looked back and I saw Huening waving at me. At least this kid doesn't have any love problems.

Soobin hyung is also smiling at me so I waved at them. "Good morning! AHAHHA!" I greeted enthusiastically.

"Oh! Good morning! AHAHAAH!"

"How was your sleep Hyung?" I asked him.

"Nice! I slept at Huening's place last night, right? So we talked a lot about serious matters for the first time again. So, I really like it." He replied to me.

"Ohh really? I love to hear that hahahaha!" I commented.

"Soobin hyung cried last night HAHAHAHAH!"

We both looked at Huening when he started laughing so hard, "What the—HEY! COMEBACK! KAI KAMAL HUENING!" Soobin hyung shouted when Huening started running away from him.

"HAHAHAH leave him alone, hyung ahhahahaha."

"Why are you laughing?" He asked me seriously but it didn't stop me from crying.

"But why did you cried?" I asked him still laughing.

"Forget about it..." He said and walked away.

"HEY! Hyung, where are you going? Aren't you going inside?" I asked him.

"You go first, I'm going to talk to Dad. See you around!" He said then left me.

"Did his dad know about you?" I heard from behind and I know whose voice that is.

"I don't know..." I replied and looked at him, "How about your girl?" I asked him.

"Ahh right, she's so pretty—"

"Forget that I asked about her, let's go inside." I cut him off and walked.

"HEY! How could you do that, huh!?"

I laughed a little and leave him behind. He keeps on talking when someone caught my eyes.

"OH! Where are you going!?"

I didn't answer him and started running away. I'm not sure who was that, maybe I'm hallucinating already or what but when I saw a blonde guy, with a white long sleeves it made me panic.

He's finally in my reach so I held his wrist that made him looked at me, "Oh Why?" He asked in polite tone.

I let go of his hands, "Nothing, I thought you're someone I know... I'm sorry about that." I apologized.

"Ahh... It's okay hahaha but... do you know someone named Park Sunghoon?" He asked.

"Who are you by the way?" I asked him, "And why is your hair blonde!?" I yelled at him. I'm really frustrated that his hair is blonde!

"Ahh... Well, I'm Kim Sunoo and I'm an idol..." He introduced.

I nodded. These idols, why won't they stick to just one hair color? "Park Sunghoon? I don't know him. Then, I'm going now." I said and leave him alone.

Classes started and I forced myself again listening to the instructors as well as keeping myself from sleeping.

Jay invited me to have some lunch with him and I gladly accepted it. I messaged Soobin hyung that I can't have lunch with him and he agreed with it.

"I'm really glad that you’re eating with me right now." He said.

"Why?" I asked him.

"Because I'm with someone." He said.

"Ira?"

"Nope! There they are! Hey! You two come here!" He shouted then I looked back.

"Oh? Him? Kim Sunoo?" I asked him.

"You know him? Yeah it's Kim Sunoo and Park Sunghoon. They are actually together but since Sunoo is an idol they should keep it as a secret." He whispered at me.

"Hello..."

"Hello..."

We greeted each other and they sat next to Jay, "Oh, hello hahaha." Kim Sunoo finally realized who I am.

"Hi... I'm Choi Beomgyu." I introduced myself.

"Hello, I'm Park Sunghoon." Sunghoon greeted me.

We started eating, Jay and I are eating and talking to some of our school works while the couple in front of me keeps on arguing.

"Hey, aren't you two going to stop? Why are you fighting?" I asked them.

"Someone casted him to be an idol but he don't want to leave his sport." Sunoo answered me.

"So you're going to force him?" I asked him.

"Uh, not really but... I just want him to be with me too." Sunoo replied.

"Why? Because you're a couple?" I asked again.

"The thing is it's really hard to be in an environment where you feel like you're alone." He said.

"So you want him to join you?" I asked and he silently nodded.

"BUT! If he doesn't really like it... then okay... I don't really mind if he can't see himself being an idol. It's better than breaking up with him."

"It's better than to be cheated." Park Jay butts in.

"Why?" I asked him.

"At least you two will break up with an acceptable reason than being cheated where you don't know where you exactly went wrong." Jay explained.

"AHHHH! Stop with those already! Sunoo, I love you. Okay? Just trust me and nothing will go wrong." Sunghoon said that made his partner blushed.

"Ahh Hyung, stop it hahahah." Sunoo replied shyly then they started talking nicely again.

"Jay, is it cheating if you love someone while you're still in relationship?" I asked him.

"Why? Do you love someone aside from Choi Soobin?"

I quickly shook my head, "No! I'm just asking..." I denied.

"It's not cheating. Cheating is when you're in relationship and commit another relationship. But if you're falling in love with someone else while you're still in a relationship it means, you fell out of love."

"It is... fallen out of love?"

"Mmm, you suddenly woke up in the morning and you don't love that person anymore. You suddenly realized, you don't have the same feelings anymore because you found someone who you'll love more."

Those words from Jay hit me so hard because that's where I think everything will fall. One day, I'll wake up and my feelings for Choi Soobin are completely gone.

And when it happens, everything will fuck up so hard.

My mind is floating till our very last subject. I'm waiting for Hyung outside the building when I saw Huening as always who's with his headphones.

"Huening, hello!" I greeted him with a smile.

"Oh, hyung hahaha. Hello!" He greeted me back. "You're waiting for Soobin hyung?" He asked.

I nodded, "Mmm, they still have one more subject." I answered

"Ahhh, me too. I'm also waiting for him hahahaha."

After a couple of minutes Soobin hyung appeared and we started walking together. "Why am I always the thirdwheel in here?" Huening asked.

"Uwaaa! Our baby Hyuka is so cute hahahaa." Soobin hyung replied that made us laughed.

Huening faced us, "You two, should stick together. Okay?" He said.

I laughed, "Okay okay! HAHAHHA!" I laughed.

"Of course! Who said we're going to break up? HAHAHA!" Soobin hyung also laughed.

Huening smiled and held our hands, "All I want is that the both of you will be happy till the end and I wish that love stays in you two." He said.

Those made me smile and looked at Soobin hyung. "We will... We will stay in love forever." I said and he also looked at me.

"Right... We should."

I don't know but I think saying those are like convincing myself that Hyung and I should stay in love no matter what.

The three of us ate some ramen in iCart before going home so it's around 8pm when I arrived at our house.

I've been looking down since I walked alone and when I tilted my head. My heart suddenly beats so fast. He's looking at my eyes so intently and so am I.

It's been a while since I saw him. And look, his blonde hair is almost silver now.

"I saw your grandma carrying a heavy grocery bags so I helped her. I'm going, now." He said so coldly.

"Wait..."

I opened my bag and pulled the scarf inside it and walked towards him. I wrapped it around his neck and neatly fixed it. Our face is so closed that I almost stopped breathing already.

"I don't know if you can feel the coldness tonight but I want you to feel the warmth of having this scarf."

I smiled and took a step backwards, "I'm going now, good night." I said and walked passed through him.

My body almost collapsed after I closed the door. I fell down in the floor and started crying in silent. I covered my mouth with my hand and tried my best not to cause any sound since grandma is talking to someone in the phone inside her room.

That's not what I want to say, Taehyun. That's not what I really feel.

I immediately opened the door and looked around but he isn't here anymore. I run down the stairs and looked around but still he isn't around anymore. It's cold and I'm crying outside.

I wanted to say how much I miss you, Taehyun. I want to hug you and tell you how much I'm in pain right now.

"Beomgyu..."

"Taehyun—" I called then looked behind me.

"Are you okay? Why are you crying?" Soobin hyung asked me worriedly.

"N-nothing hahaha... I'm fine, hyung hahaha." I answered while forcing myself to laugh between my sobs.

"YOU'RE NOT OKAY!"

That shout made me look at him. He's really serious. "H-huh?"

"You're not okay, Beomgyu... Please, please tell me what's happening to you. Don't make me think like this. I'm confused already... Please, please don't make things complicated for me..." He said and I saw how his tears escaped from his eyes.

"I-I'm sorry hyung..."

"Why? Is it that hard? Is it that hard for you to tell me? Huh?" He asked.

I shook my head and looked away, "I'm going to tell you soon... I'm sorry." I apologized.

He held my hand and he put a book on it, "Huening said you left this that's why I comeback because this might be really important to you... I didn't know I'm going to hear you saying a familiar name..."

"Hyung, no. That's not what you're thinking about."

"Okay... I trust you. If you can finally open to me about what's really happening then I will gladly hear everything to you." He then hugged me, "Don't worry, Hyung will always be here for you, okay?"

"H-hyung..."

He kissed the top of my head, "Go inside now, it's cold. Goodnight..."

I saw how he walked from me. My tears fell again in pain. What kind of situation am I really in right now?

I looked above and I couldn't see any stars or even the moon because of thick clouds, "Deity!" I shouted. "Can you hear me?" I asked between my sobs.

I felt a rain dropped in my cheek and suddenly the rain poured so hard.

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!? I KNOW I HAVE A FAULT IN HERE BUT ISN'T THIS TOO MUCH FOR ME? I! I ONLY WANT LOVE! WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME ALL OF THESE SHITS! I'M HURT ALREADY! I'M IN PAIN ALREADY!"

Because of the loud rain, no one will hear me shouting. Because of rain my tears won't be seen.

Because of rain I realized where I felt the love I'm looking.