Rebel base, aboard the Ghost, Atollon, 1710, 3279 LY

     Four of the members of the Ghost crew sat, jaws agape, before Zeb pressed a button for the next entry. A video.

Ezra sat in front of the holoprojector of the 'pad, eyes glistening with unshed tears. ''If you're watching this, I'm probably already gone. If you're wondering, this is indeed my-no, I can't say it. It's too terrible. I can't believe I'm even doing this. I should stop right now, but...I just can't. I have to do this.

''If this is the Ghost crew, my friends, listen: I am so thankful for what you've done for me. Kanan, Hera, Sabine, Zeb-even you, Chopper. I'm so glad you took me in. I would have never become the person I was before Malachor without you. Zeb, thanks for being a stinky, annoying older brother to me. Sabine, I've always loved you...even if you don't love me back. Chopper, keep being the annoying rustbucket you are. To remember me by.''

A tear spilled over his lower eyelid, glistening in the artificial light of the holoprojector as it rolled down his cheek. ''Hera, thanks for being the mother that I haven't had for eight years. Kanan, if you're listening, I am so sorry. For everything. I tried to be strong, but I failed you. I failed myself. I can't-no, couldn't-keep going on. Every time I looked at you, my lightsaber, or the Sith holocron...I was reminded of everything that had happened.

''I wanted to tell you. But would you understand? Would you understand the guilt, the pain? Knowing you could have done something, yet watched idly by as your friend died? Thinking that there was no way out, that you should've gone? I didn't think you'd understand. After all, you're a Jedi. My mentor, my teacher, my role model, my...father.''

A shuddering breath. ''Would any of you have understood? I don't know, but it's too late. I can't go back now. Specter 6 out.''

     Sabine and Hera had tears blossoming in their eyes, and Zeb was already crying. Sabine whispered, ''This was his suicide note.''

     Hera nodded, murmuring something incomprehensibly. Then she pressed the next button.

Hey. Looks like I won't be signing out yet. Surprise, surprise. Kanan saved me, barely. He has a bad habit of that, but I guess it works out. It probably wouldn't have been the best idea to leave this galaxy in that manner. Perhaps the Force can heal me. Perhaps it can forgive me. I can't forgive myself, and I'm so scared to go up to Kanan. To see what I've done.

Does he blame me? Does he even realize that I've changed? I'm becoming someone else. No, something else. I...I can't bear to see myself, not like this. I'm becoming a monster. I'm becoming my demons. Who can save me?

     Next. 

I feel terrible. I'm still going to do what I have to. It can't be that bad, right? Ugh, I have this pounding headache and my stomach's starting to mess with me. I feel dizzy, and so tired. What am I supposed to do?

I can't show the crew. If I were to do that, I would admit weakness. I can't do that to them. I'm not an asset. I'm not worth anything. I can't even do missions anymore. I just came out of the medbay. I can't go back. 

I want to sleep so bad, but I shouldn't, for the

     It abruptly ended. Hera looked at the time and realized it was right before he was found unconscious. When he got the Viper. Next.

Turns out, I got something called the Viper. Kanan says it's a disease that targets Force-sensitives. Well, it almost killed me, and it almost killed him. Great day, right? I don't have much more to say. I should probably learn some new techniques. Bridger out.

     ''Learn new techniques?'' Zeb inquired. ''How?''

     ''Let's find out,'' Sabine replied. Next.

Well, the holocron is helping me. Kanan can't teach me any new Jedi stuff, but he gets an A for effort. Nothing? Moving on. 

Master Yoda sent us to Malachor for knowledge. I found the Sith holocron with Maul's help. I opened it, asked it for help, and it helped me. It's got a weird female voice, but who cares? It's a minor detail, but I can learn so much more than I knew. I can become stronger than I thought I could. That way, my friends will never get hurt again.

     Hera stuttered, ''The S-Sith holocron is helping him?''

     ''Yup,'' Zeb muttered in a monotone. Next.

Buried in the questions, but I can't find the answers. I wouldn't be here tonight if I had to choose. I'd be with Kanan. It's always the bigger things in life that choose me like Kanan becoming blind. ''Close your eyes and listen to the Force,'' they say. ''The Force will guide you.'' But it hasn't.

Everything was beautiful. Nothing seemed to matter, nothing at all. Then the dark day on Malachor, and now everything is trash. I need Kanan, but he's not there. I want to say so many things, but I can never find the words. I want him to take me to the water's edge. Take me to the place where I can learn to love again.

Do you know how many times I've wondered if I could end all of this? Do you know how many sleepless nights I've spent crying? I, I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to. I think I forgot how to love. I don't think I can. I need Kanan to give me the answer, heal

     Then it too cut off. No one spoke; all were speechless. Next.

The mission today was successful. A normal supply run. Well, it was almost successful. We had gotten away, but a trooper had shot me in the arm. Now it hurts, but I can hide it as long as it doesn't get worse. If the crew knew, they'd dump me off. Everyone did. Who wants a good-for-nothing street rat, anyway? This would just give them an excuse.

Kanan's avoiding me anyway. Maybe he doesn't want me anymore. I can't blame him. Over 48 hours without sleep thanks to nightmares. It's a wonder I'm still functioning enough to write this. Thanks, autocorrect. Anyway, they're basically the same thing. Ahsoka dying, Kanan blinding me. But it's worse.

Yeah, Ahsoka dies, but she pushed me away! In my nightmares, she screams for me, but I can't do anything to help. I scream for her to turn, to raise her lightsabers. But she doesn't hear me. She dies right in front of my face, cut in half by a red blade, as the temple closes.

As for Kanan, he gets blinded, then blinds me, making me feel his pain. Then he pushes me away as a Padawan, leaving me on the streets for dead. Maul finds me, and cuts me slowly, torturing me, then leaves me for dead. Then old friends, bucketheads, put a blasterbolt in me. Every night it gets worse. What about tonight? Will I wake up trying to kill someone, will I not wake up at all? How can I know?

     ''What Kanan said,'' Hera said in a hushed tone, ''was true. These are the symptoms he told us about, the ones he had.'' Next. 

Ugh, this pounding headache. I think my blaster wound has swollen up, and it's getting harder to conceal it. The crew's gonna know, but I can't let them know. It'll heal hopefully. I'll just sneak some painkillers for this headache and my arm.

I can't eat and I'm so tired all the time, but I can't sleep. There's bags under my eyes, my face is pale, and I feel like bantha poodoo. I can't hide this forever. Three days without sleep...how much more can I take? How much more waking up, knowing it's all my fault, not being able to change the past, can I take?

Hera's calling for breakfast. I gotta go. Bridger out.

     Sabine stated, ''That was right before Zeb found Ezra.''

     Sound erupted from outside the Ghost. ''Ezra's coming!'' Hera cried. ''Zeb, go put the 'pad back! Hurry!''

     Zeb did hurry, but Ezra saw him. When the teenaged human male lied sight on the 'pad, his voice had an icy calm. ''What are you doing with my datapad? My journal?''

     The Lasat stuttered, ''I-I-''

     ''You looked through my journal, didn't you?'' he asked, his voice rising. In his eyes burned anger, but that concealed another emotion. Hurt. ''My private thoughts and feelings. My place to vent. You went through it.''

     Ezra was furious beyond imagining. He felt the Force flowing through him, rising into a storm with his emotions, threatening to destroy everything in its path. Beneath his fury was hurt. How could Zeb do that to him? How could he?

     With a feral yell, Ezra lashed out with his being at Zeb, who was sent flying into the ladder that led to the Phantom. His body crashed to the floor, limp. Ezra collapsed to his knees, the anger replaced by horror. ''What have I done?'' he whispered. ''What have I done?''

     ''What did you do, Ezra?'' Hera exclaimed. Ezra looked over to his right and seen the Twi'lek through blurry, tear-filled eyes. He shook his head, knowing he had become a monster. No one could love him now. He stood up, running into his room. The world had collapsed on him. What was left but rubble? What was left for him?