(Mark's POV - Sat. 25 April 2015)

Running...

This is what I need right now as my frustration grows while I sit beneath that mule of Alex, and seeing as frustration might turn into anger, my best option is to go out and run. Anger wouldn't help at all in this situation. I need to recover my self-control first. And the boy obviously needs sleep.

Running has always been my way to let the steam off. This is what works best when I feel like I'm about to explode, and right now, I'm like a ticking bomb. Alex just keeps quiet, he refuses to tell me about the nightmares he's had for nearly a week now, and as much as I have managed to hide my deep annoyance so far, I don't trust myself with keeping it going for long.

"Okay, it's way too early for a fight and maybe you need rest before we can talk properly," I whisper in the softest tone I can make up. "Finish your drink and go back to sleep, Baby, but this afternoon, you and I will have this conversation, understood?"

All I get is a nod, but that will be enough for now.

"I love you, Baby..." I still add, because I truly do, and after a last peck on his temple, I hurry to the walk-in closet, cautious to remain as silent as I can in order not to wake up Shannon, and change into my workout outfit.

During these few minutes, I try to convince myself that this is the best solution. Alex's silence is getting on my nerves but rather than pressuring him further at such an early hour when all he needs is more rest – which would only result in tears and screams that might wake up Shan – I choose to go out and calm down. Before I leave, I quickly stop by the kitchen where Alex is still sipping on the hot chocolate I made for him, obviously lost in his own thoughts.

Dang! His skin is so pale, dark circles having formed beneath his eyes, and he almost looks sick, but I know it's just the exhaustion due to short and agitated nights. He really needs more sleep before we can talk. Seeing him so weak though is painful, but I promise myself to sort this out today.

Kissing his forehead – which is a way to also check he doesn't have a fever – I wish him to rest well and eventually head out. I can't wait to reach the park to run my frustration away, but the slow elevator won't ride me to the ground floor fast enough so I go for the stairwell and a couple of minutes, here I am in the open air, enjoying the fresh wind.

For once, the sun isn't hiding behind the clouds and despite the chilly breeze, I appreciate the nice weather and dazzling light. While running along the pavements and crossing streets, I push all my darkest thoughts to the back of my head and focus on my breathing and my surroundings, but as soon as I reach Maggie Daley Park, I let all my emotions flood back in. There, I no longer have to pay attention to cars or pedestrians, and I can allow my anger to rule my emotions.

And some anger, there is!

Alex is not a difficult lover or Submissive, at least not in the same way Shannon can be at times. Shan... will always be Shan. He's a boisterous young man, full of energy and with an untimely personality. He often lets his hyper emotions rule him, acts before he thinks twice, but none of his mistakes are beyond redemption and his happy character makes him so attaching. Alex is more the discreet type, very quiet and naturally submissive, although this has changed a bit.

Over the last few months, my little blonde has grown in confidence and I'm so proud of him for that matter. I love his subdued personality, but I equally appreciate to see him stand his ground, even if it sometimes annoys me. Growing stronger doesn't mean he will lack respect, and if he does, it's only my role to keep him in check, which is what happened yesterday evening at work.

Of course, our relationship goes far beyond being a Dominant or a Submissive, but our lifestyle always hangs around, so when Alex defied my authority in the kitchen of Le Marais, and then in my office, I had no other option than to punish him right away. Had he safeworded, I would have obviously stopped and postponed the discipline session, but he didn't, because he knew he deserved it and trusted me to do this safely.

Anyway, I can't say it often happens. Some would say that I'm stricter with Shannon and in a way, yes, it's true, but it's only fair. Indeed, Shannon gets punished more often than Alex, but that's only because he misbehaves more often. That's just part of his personality and it doesn't mean I love him any less than I love Alex. They're just different and require different attentions. And this is precisely what I love in our three-way relationship. What would be the point of having two similar Subs?

Now back to Alex, he has been proving a little more difficult than usual this week, and clearly, I believe that I have let this go on for long enough. One rule says that a Sub is supposed to entrust his Dom with all sorts of issues he may face, and Alex knows it. Whatever his problems are, he should share them with me, and as much as I've tried to make him open up, he has only remained silent about these nightmares.

The thing is that Alex is a smart boy who knows how to manipulate me – probably more than I think by the way. He's a charmer, using his needs for cuddles and affection to weaken my strictness. He has a talent for changing subjects whenever a conversation heads the wrong way. This is something I had more or less noticed already, but the past week has only confirmed my doubts. However, as much as I have been somewhat lenient with him so far, I well intend for things to change, and no later than today.

I wanted him to take the initiative, which is also why I didn't pressure him too much after each nightmare, but since it doesn't work, this boy will get the discipline he deserves. This afternoon, I'll send Shannon out for last-minute errands before our surprise trip to New York, and I'll use this opportunity for a serious one-on-one moment with Alex. He'll get a full lecture on communication – again... – then I'll convince him to pour his heart out.

Because this just can't go on forever!

These disrupted nights are exhausting him to the point he committed a stupid mistake at work yesterday, and it's not only about him. Except for last night, the nightmares never fail to wake up Shannon and this boy also needs his restful sleep. On my side, I've never been a huge sleeper and I certainly don't need as much rest as they do, but the fact is that once I'm awake, I can't go back to sleep. An average of barely two hours each night isn't enough, though, and I'm tired too. It might start affecting my mood and self-control soon, so that's another good reason for sorting this out as soon as possible.

Next problem is how should I do this? Will Alex eventually confide in me? And if not, should I fix an appointment with a therapist? Aaron has often told me about a good one he knows in Chicago, so maybe he could help. Talking to someone who is external to the relationship is sometimes easier than speaking with the persons who are closer. At the same time, I wish I could help him. I wish he'd give me chance to try. I don't pretend having solutions to all problems, but I could try.

The thing is that I have no idea what Alex's problems are. His integration as a full member of our three-way relationship was a success, he looks happy with us. However, now that I think about it, I realize that I really don't know much about him, however weird it may sound. This is another consequence of Alex's skills at changing subjects. Whenever I ask targeted questions about his childhood and adolescence, he always manages to switch the conversation to me or Shannon.

Not that I am morbidly curious, but I don't even know what exactly happened with his parents. He did say they died in a car accident when he was barely 17 and that he was sent to live with a bitchy aunt in upper Illinois, but which town? That's a good question! For fuck's sake, I don't even know where he was born! Though, I could get that information quite easily. I'm not even sure he ever confided more in Shan. He did open up a little after they met, but I believe he told him the same things he said to me because I vaguely remember Shan telling me about the car crash when Alex was about to turn 17...

Fuck! How could I miss that information!? It was right here at the back of my head and it didn't click!

I'm already on my fifth tour of the park and I need to sit for a minute to process this, so I stop by the Buckingham Fountain and find a free bench. Thinking about the scarce information that Alex was ever keen on giving scares me. It's close to nothing at all. And my guilt only increases when I realize that if he lost his parents around his seventeenth birthday, their death anniversary must have occurred in the past few days... Or maybe today?

That could totally explain the nightmares! I've never heard about people experiencing troubled dreams around close people's death anniversary, but when the circumstances involve a tragic accident or something even tougher, I guess it could happen...

My poor Baby... Keeping this to himself... Sadly, there's not much I'd be able to do in this case, but just expressing his emotions could help. Sometimes, having a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen to is just enough. I need to tell him that! I need to help him!

Alex is a very emotional person, a sponge for other people's emotions too, and his sensibility is huge. I'm sure he loved his parents dearly and I wouldn't be surprised if he were the kind of person to visit his late parents' grave on peculiar occasions. He never mentioned his wish to go to the cemetery, but if I offer him to do so, perhaps it would help him as well in his mourning.

I suddenly remember what sounded like incoherent words Alex mumbled in his sleep during his nightmares. Miss you, be with you... They didn't make sense, and they still don't, but I have a bad feeling about this. What if Alex sickly misses his parents? He may have grown stronger over the past few months, he's still a fragile soul. And as I think back about this week, I realize that little things should have struck me as signs of a depression. His appetite reduced. I caught him spacing out a few times. Some of his smiles seemed fake.

Is Alex going through some sort of depression? What if his dark spirits drive him to do something stupid?

My urge to see him safe and sound and to hug him is such that I spring to my feet and start heading back home, running at full speed among the passers-by. Fuck! How could I miss all these signs? I should have noticed these things earlier! If anything happens, I'll only blame myself for the rest of my life.

My own tiredness is probably the cause for such pessimism. I am usually a positive person and it's not in my habits to let dark thoughts rule my emotions. Indeed, as I reach my building, feeling much closer to my boys, my heartrate calms down and rationality returns. The uneasy feeling still lingers, but it's not as bad as it was when I was at the park. Alex is a smart boy and he wouldn't do anything silly.

I'm a bit surprised to see that my key opens the door with only the quarter of a turn because I thought I had locked it before I left, but perhaps I forgot. I was in such a hurry to get out... However, both sets of spare keys are still there on the console, so I sigh with relief.

The apartment is utterly silent, but its familiarity brings me the comfort I needed. The boys must be sleeping, which is good as they need rest – especially Alex after this new agitated night – so I discreetly step into the hall of the master bedroom to reach for clean clothes inside the walk-in closet, then go to use the guest bathroom to shower. The warm water achieves to relax my muscles and I'm feeling much better when I get out.

Yes, things will work out fine. I trust myself to provide Alex with the best help I can and in the meantime, we will enjoy a nice three-day trip to New York. I'm sure this will brighten Alex's mood. Shannon has outdone himself in organizing everything, from selecting the hotel, booking activities and restaurants, and against all odds, he managed with the best discretion ever. I'm really proud of my chirpy boy! I must say that after the piercing incident, he was determined to buy himself back and has been behaving quite well so far.

Before I set to work in my office and still having this eerie feeling that something is off, I decide to go make myself a cup of coffee, hoping it'll shake my tiredness off, but as I walk into the kitchen, I just stop dead in my tracks as if I had just received a bad punch in my stomach. The sight before my eyes leaves me breathless and wobbling on my feet as cold sweat runs down my back, so much so that I even have to hold the doorframe to remain steady.

I don't know how long I remain in this position, struggling to pull out of my painful daze and willing my heartbeat to slow down. It feels like ages – when it was certainly only seconds – before I manage to grab myself together and walk toward the island counter, looking at the blameworthy items, but not seeing them. All I can do is glare at them, as if my scowl could make them disappear, but they just won't go away. They're still here, staring at me accusingly and hurting me to the core.

My hands first reach for the sheet of paper and despite the mess of tears mingled with ink, I immediately recognize Alex's handwriting. My brain refuses to process the words, and it's not only because of the shaky calligraphy. This is going to be painful. Probably as painful as it seems it was for him to write these few lines, to the point that the end is barely intelligible.

Dear Mark, Dear Muffin...

You'll probably hate me for doing this, but in a way, I'm hoping for your loath. It would make things easier. I can only apologize for leaving like a coward, but I just couldn't wait and face you. I'm sorry. I'll never thank you enough for all the wonderful moments we shared, or for all the things you did for me. I loved every single minute of the past six months and I'll be eternally grateful for your kindness. Don't think I didn't feel integrated, but my place is somewhere else, and I really have to go now.

Once again, I'm sorry. I wish you both all the best. My heart will always be with you.

Alex

This must be a nightmare... It can only be a nightmare.

I'm in some sort of daze, my muscles paralyzed, my eyes staring at the letter in bewilderment. It feels like my brain has been disabled and can't understand the meaning of all this. Perhaps it's denial... As painful as it is, I reread Alex's scribbling once, twice, and many more times, trying to decipher word after word, but they still don't make any sense.

Well they do make sense, because I understand that he has left, but it's the situation that I don't get. Why would he leave? For a second, I hope I got the wrong meaning and I could go and check in the bedroom, hoping I'll find him snuggled against Shan's body, but a brief glance at the collar lying on the counter tells me it's useless. Alex left his collar and it tells it all. He abandoned us.

Why!? Why the fuck did he do that!? Didn't he love us?

He says he's hoping for our loath, but that would never happen. Never. Ever. I'd never hate him. Whatever he'd do, I'd never be capable of such emotions toward him. Anger, though... Were he within my hands' reach right now, he would have a hard time facing my anger, but hate? No, impossible.

He also says he loves us, that his heart will always be with us, but then, how could he leave if it was true? You just don't go away when you're in love!

After several reads, my eyes keep returning to the same words. Somewhere else. These two are like a neon light flashing in the darkness. Where is somewhere else? Is he going back to his hometown? I don't even know what his hometown is! This is all fucked up!

However, I can't let him go like this. No way! Not without an explanation! He needs to give me better reasons than these!

Fishing my phone in the back pocket of my jeans, I lean against the counter and dial his number. And it rings. It rings. It rings. Endlessly until I reach his voice mail. I give it another try, then another, and yet another, but he doesn't answer, and that's until my next attempt directly reaches his voice mail. Either he ran out of battery or he switched off his phone.

"Alex, please call me back. We need to talk."

I wanted my tone to be firm, to hold the confidence I'm usually capable of, and I believe it does somehow, but there's also this hint of a plea that I hope will coax him into calling back. I'm at a loss for other words anyway. Within less than three hours, I have gone through so many emotions that I don't even know what to think anymore, much less what I should do. Should I be running the streets to find him? I doubt Alex is headed to either Joshua's or Aaron's places, and he no longer has his old apartment... Should I visit the airports and bus or train stations? It was barely 8am when I left him and it's now half past ten... Two hours and a half. That's more than enough to pack a few things and leave. He might be far away already.

10:30am.

Holy shit! Shan will certainly wake up soon... What am I going to tell him? My poor boy will be devastated when he finds out...

You could try and hide it from him... or lie...

Yeah, sure... Shan's not stupid and honesty is far too important to me. I'll just have to deal with the consequences and face his own anger. This is all my fault. I should have noticed the signs earlier. I should have forced Alex to speak much earlier. Shit! Maybe the threat for a serious conversation and my tone scared him this morning? And yet, what else could I have said? Communication is an important part of our lifestyle and it can't work without proper honesty.

Or I shouldn't have left him alone... I should have made sure he was completely alright and back in bed. But who am I fooling? If Alex had decided to run away, he would have pretended to sleep and waited for me to leave before running for the hills. It wouldn't have changed a thing.

"Alex, Baby..." I sigh with pain as I reach his voicemail again. "All I want is to help you. Please just give me a chance to. Even if your ultimate decision remains the same, please let me try. Call me back, Baby..."

I will myself to get a grip on the situation, but try as I may, I can feel it slip from my hands. Alex's departure is already driving me crazy, I feel like half of my heart has been ripped off my chest and the other half is hurting like hell. From the moment I accepted this three-way relationship, and even before that if I'm honest to myself, I knew my sweet blonde would play a full role. He was never an add-on.

Shannon and I were happy before we met Alex, but once he joined us, we realized that something had been missing. It's not only about sex and our kink for multiple-partner intercourse because we tried those with random members at the club. It's about love and feeling complete. Our life was like a tricycle without the third wheel and now I can't imagine our life without him, not unless he gives me a good reason.

Before I go wake up Shannon and face his reaction, I must try something... and Josh might be the help I need.

"I was expecting your call much earlier..." he says as he answers after the first tone, causing my heartrate to pick up speed.

"Is he with you?" I ask, quite surprised but relieved.

"Who? Liam?"

What the heck is he talking about then?

"Why did you say you were expecting my call earlier?"

"Because the weather is beautiful and I was sure you guys would invite yourself here to enjoy a barbecue and the swimming pool..."

"Josh... We have a problem," I reply meaningfully, and that's enough for him to understand that the situation is serious. "I need your help... urgently..." I add as my voice breaks down.

"Oh Gosh... This voice is not... you. What's wrong?" he asks, recovering his seriousness right away.

"It's Alex... He ran away..." I eventually breathe out.

"Fuck... Are you sure about that?" he asks dubiously.

Well, I can't blame him for that. It's not like it's the first time that a Sub goes AWOL and right now, I can only think about our Dominant friend Gary who hasn't heard back from his Jeremy for over a year. Just thinking that I could be in the same situation has my chest constricted to the point I can barely breathe.

"MARK! Speak to me! Don't let the dark thoughts soak your mind! You can't do that! You'll have to prove yourself strong for Shannon!" Joshua reasons, knowing how far my train of thoughts went, and that's the slap I needed.

"Yeah... You're right. He's still asleep for now," I sigh. "And to answer your previous question, Alex left a letter and his collar on the kitchen counter... I left him alone for barely two hours..." I explain with difficulty before I go into a bit more details. "Please help me, Josh..."

Being the CEO of a huge company, Joshua has quite influential contacts in the police and among politicians, but most of all, he has the best head of security one could dream of.

"I'll have Tony on it within the next five minutes!"

"Unfortunately, I realize that I don't know that much about Alex, and I don't know if it'll be enough..."

"I'll need his mobile phone number to see if Tony can locate him, but I can get it from Liam. Then, you must have a copy of his ID at the restaurant," he argues. "If not, Aaron must have one at the club..."

"Shit... I need to call him too..."

"Let me deal with Ron, Mark, and you go take care of Shan... I guess it'll be enough on your plate..." he adds with sincere compassion, and God knows he might be right. "I'll call you back as soon as I can."

"Thanks, Josh, and thank Tony for me..."

"No problem. Good luck."

I mumble a thank you and hang up the phone, reclining against the backseat of the couch. I close my eyes for a minute, trying to gather the strength I'll need.

I'm feeling so empty...

No! Not empty! Shan is still here and Josh is right! You'll have to stay strong for him!

This is right. Half my heart is still beating for my happy-go-lucky Babe and I well intend to remain the good Dominant I'm supposed to be. However, after barely three hours of sleep last night, a sharp awakening, a painful conversation – or lack thereof – two hours running in a park processing hundreds of thoughts and emotions, I feel like the last few hours have lasted several days and I'm fucking tired!

Yet, I pull myself up and drag my feet to the master bedroom, completely worn out. Seeing my cute Shannon still fast asleep, his arms wrapped around our pillows, has tears totally swamp my eyes, but I'll hold them back. I'm going to be strong.

If I thought the first four hours of this day were difficult, I haven't seen anything yet.

The next ones might be even tougher.

Published on 9 June 2016

To lighten the atmosphere, here's a funny picture of Jon Kortajarena (Mark's model). This could be inspiring...