NICKY WAS ALWAYS SMILING. He wasn't always like that, but no one who was currently in his life was aware, Rhett barely even remembering the time when Nicky's smile only showed on very particular occasions. Nowadays, the man was always seen with a smile, a serious expression seeming alien on his face.

"You're just not made to frown," some people would tell him when he revealed that he was capable of feeling emotions other than happiness, and he would just laugh it off, forcing himself not to internalize it too much.

But regardless of how he felt and what other people thought, he was always smiling. If he wasn't, there was always the ghost of one just beneath the surface, threatening to appear at even the slightest of disturbances.

It was why he couldn't help but smile when he found the mess of flour that covered his entire kitchen.

"We can explain," Rhett said, looking like a deer in the headlights, one of his glasses lenses covered with the flour, his shirt and hands ruined, Diana and Peter giggling next to him, their current state no better than his own.

Nicky yawned as he ran a hand through his hair, checking the time. "Just clean up when you're done, we have guests coming tonight."

That day had been one with no patients at all, meaning that he was able to work all through the night and sleep until the afternoon, something that Rhett always chastised him for, despite being glad that he was actually sleeping now; there had been a time, back in the fall, when sleep had evaded him for weeks, rendering him practically immobile, at least emotionally.

"Thank God," Rhett groaned, as if his words had been punched out of him, "I miss Steve, it's been four days."

Diana snorted, patting the man's head as he leaned over the counter, grinning over her boyfriend who was leaned against the fridge, watching the scene with a fairly terrified smile.

Peter Parker was another of Nicky's patients, a newly acquired one just a few months prior, and they still had yet to truly breach his incredibly repressed feelings about the passing of both his parents and his uncle, as well as his current status as Spider-Man, but he would open up with time, as he had already told Nicky some back during the fall.

"Do you ever go to your own home?" Nicky asked, moving to sit on a barstool and poke Diana's arm, "Because I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be allowing you to be around so much."

Diana just smiled and shrugged, already so close to him as to know that he would never drive her away, he was too nice. Nicky wouldn't have wanted to her to leave regardless, he was too attached to her, too fond.

"So..." Peter drawled, catching the attention of everyone in the room, "Does Sam know that I'm here and that I'm...ya know...Spider-Man?"

Nicky glanced towards Rhett, who glanced towards Diana, who glanced back towards him. After a shared look, they all turned back to the teenage boy, shrugging. "It wasn't relevant."

The boy sighed and slid down against the fridge, onto the floor. "That's-that's a good thing, right? That he doesn't know? 'Cause there way too many people who know my identity right now, and that's not really safe for me."

"You tell him if you want, but if you don't, we'll try not to say anything," Nicky said, nudging Diana, "Right?"

She raised her hands up in defense. "It was Captain America, how could I not tell get him to meet Peter? What kind of girlfriend am I?"

"One that won't go to the Winter Formal with me," Peter grumbled.

"You were the one who said you didn't want to go!" she cried, crossing her arms and frowning, "If you want to go, I'll be happy to, but you said that you didn't want to."

"Because I didn't want to make you think you had to go with me," he argued, sounding very much like they'd had this argument many times before.

"Kids, go to the room, I need to talk to Rhett," Nicky commanded, motioning towards the door towards the side where he had some of his sessions, he and Peter having soundproofed it a few months before.

Diana sighed and hopped off the counter, walking towards the room without waiting for Peter who had risen to his feet, right on her heels. The men watched them go, sharing a look as the door all but slammed closed behind them.

"Did we just witness a fight?" Rhett whispered, almost shocked.

"I'm not letting them leave until they make up, I refuse to deal with them breaking up again," Nicky sighed, running a hand over his face, "And why are you looking at me like that, don't think I don't see you."

"How are you so calm?" Rhett demanded, acting like he was about to explode, "I've known you for nine years so believe me when I say you should be panicking right now."

Nicky took a deep breath, bracing his arms against the counter. "Rhett...I'm trying very hard to be calm and collected, don't psyche me out before he shows up, okay, I-I can't handle that."

Rhett gave him a sympathetic smile. "He's just a person, Nicky, I don't even know why you're so in love with him, you never really explained that to me."

The younger man just smiled, reaching out to pat his cheek. "Good. I'm gonna go back to bed, you do whatever, make sure the kids help you clean up. You will clean up, right?"

Rhett nodded, still smiling that small, sympathetic smile that Nicky was sure was somewhat mocking. "Sure, kiddo. Just rest."

There was a pause when Nicky turned to go, making it halfway towards his room before the older man called out, tentatively. "Love you."

Nicky hid his grin, keeping his back to the man, letting himself embrace the lurch in his stomach and flutter in his heart for just a moment. "Love you, too."

With that, he retreated back into his room, closing the door softly as he leaned against it, laughing to himself. While all prospects of them having anything more than a platonic relationship had been destroyed long ago, Nicky still couldn't help the way his heart fluttered at times whenever Rhett said he loved him; he couldn't help it, there was still something there, something that would never truly go away, but would never object to either of them finding other people.

He sighed as he collapsed onto his bed, quickly falling asleep so as not to let his happy mood sour as he thoughts began to catch up with him.

After all, only a truly pathetic person continues to love someone who would never love him back.

○ ○ ○

Nicky dreamt in memories. Sometimes he would live them, others he would watch. Some he would experience, but not the way he remembered it to be. This was one of those times, and these were always the hardest.

Looking around, he felt the sudden shock of familiarity as he took in the small dorm-like room that he was sitting in. He looked down at the bed and ran his hands over the covers, his mind tricking him into feeling the coarse texture of the blankets. Oh, to be young again.

He looked towards the books that lay open in front of him, not registering that he was unable to read any of the words, scanning them idly, smiling as he remembered how hard he had studied, how much he loved it. He forgot that, during this time, he didn't smile at all.

There was a knock on his door.

Looking up, he called for the person to come in, not registering that his voice was a much younger version of his, around eighteen. Newly turned, probably, on account of the bareness of the walls around him; he hadn't decorated yet, though he had never done anything major.

The door opened, revealing a tall man with blond hair and a bright smile, his blue eyes seeming to light up even more at the sight of him. Nicky's heart fluttered and lurched and ached at the sight of him, wanting nothing more than to throw himself at him and never let go.

Instead, he just continued to sit there, unable to move; there was only so much control he had in these dreams, only so much he could register as being a dream at all. It was a very slight nuance, so subtle he couldn't tell at all.

"Aw, c'mon, where's that smile?"

Nicky's mind wanted to cry. His heart had never ached so much as it did then, the sense of longing consuming him as he melted at the sound of his voice. It was lighter then, not as deep as it would be just a few years later, but still deep nonetheless. Full of pure joy and childlike enthusiasm that had the younger man scoffing and wishing for the same.

"Got nothing to smile about," his younger self replied, through his body.

He watched as the blond groaned and feigned exasperation, closing the door and collapsing onto the small bed, leaning on his side and smiling up at him, glancing over his more stiff posture, nudging him lightly.

Terran Sweets. Sweets wasn't his last name, but Nicky promised not to tell anyone that he knew what it really was. He had promised to keep a lot of secrets that the man held. He had promised so much to this man. Promised so much to his blue eyes and bright smile, to his deep voice and tight hugs. To the light scratches of his beard on the days when he would forget to shave and his off-key singing and his dancing that was so entirely, unapologetically him. He promised so much to every bit of him.

Nicky had never felt such an all consuming want to be held as he did in that very moment.

"It's good to have you back, Terran," his younger self said, straight out of the memory that Nicky couldn't possibly recollect once he was awake.

"I always come back," Terran whispered, but they both knew that he could never promise that, it just wasn't fair. He smiled, trying to lighten the mood. "I gotta come back and see that smile again, can't just see it once."

Nicky smiled at that, the laughing, embarrassed smile he always had whenever Terran used that line. There were many variations, but the meaning was the same, and it never failed to reduce Nicky into a blushing mess, no matter what age he was.

Then he began to cry. This was the part of the dream that moved away from memory, taking what he remembered all the times he had cried with Terran and blending it with the time he was in now, making it seem as if Terran was truly with him, which only made him cry harder.

He sobbed as the man sighed and pulled him close, holding him in his arms, their chests pressed together as Nicky clung onto him the way he had when he was younger, only this time he was truly desperate. He tried to breathe, trying to remember the smell of him, the feel, but it was only a ghost, and the smell escaped him, leaving him with nothing more than a wishful desire.

"It's gonna be okay," Terran said, in a light, airy hum, "You'll be okay. I've got you. I'm not leaving."

Nicky sobbed, just letting himself be held, wishing more than anything that Terran had kept his promise, his heart aching so much that he was sure it would just break. He missed him so much, more than anything else in the world.

"I miss you too, Nicky," Terran whispered, "I miss you too."

○ ○ ○

Nicky was woken by the sound of Rhett knocking on his door.

"They're here."

His heart nearly jolting out of his throat, Nicky jumped out of bed, wiping away his tears and changing his clothes, sighing as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, running a hand over his face. He should have set an alarm, shouldn't have gone back to sleep, but it was too late for regrets now.

Adjusting his the collar of his button-up shirt, Nicky stepped out of his room, holding his breath as he looked around, bracing himself for the person he had been anxiously waiting, and dreading, to see again.

However, and he wasn't sure if it was fortunate or not, he only caught sight of Steve Rogers who was whispering softly to Rhett, pinning him against the back of the couch, the position an antithesis to the otherwise innocent expressions on both of the men's faces.

Nicky looked away, uncomfortable with seemingly looking in on an intimate moment between the men, clearing his throat. "How's it going, Cap?"

Steve turned to look at him, smiling and pulling away from Rhett who was too focused on Nicky to make any form of protest. "I'm good, Nick, how are you?"

Nicky glanced around the room, as if the other person they had been expecting would just jump out. "I'm alright, thanks."

Steve gave him an apologetic smile. "Sam wanted me to tell you that he's sorry he couldn't make it. He'd been pulling extra hours at work and he didn't want to come by in a bad mood, it wouldn't be fair, he said."

Nicky let out a sigh of relief despite himself, nodding. "I'm glad he was able to make that decision for himself, that-that's really good."

Steve took a step forward, holding out his hands. "You okay, Nick?"

Nicky nodded numbly, the relief washing over him in waves. Sam Wilson. That was a name that he had heard ever since high school, but a face he hadn't seen in person since then. Of course, he had seen him on the TV speaking out against racial inequality, taking over whenever Steve had become overwhelmed in his pure anger, speaking so eloquently and dignified. And there were always the various headlines and news about the Avengers, though that had been disbanded for almost a year now.

Needless to say, Sam was always on his mind, yet the thought of seeing him again filled him with more dread than would be expected. After all, he had been in love with him since he was sixteen, one would think he'd be ecstatic to finally see him again.

But the thing about Sam Wilson was Nicky had no idea why he cared for him so much. He had never been able to wrap his head around how easily it was for him to wax poetic about how amazing he was and why he perked up at even just the briefest of mentions of him. Why his heart hurt when the rumors of him and Steve dating had been floating around during that period of time before Steve eloquently put them to rest, possibly the only press conference dealing with "controversial" issues that he was able to fully speak through; the man had a habit of cursing out rude reporters, then apologizing and offering to by them coffee and educate them.

But where Steve had to try to keep his cool, Sam never had to try, he always just was. Always a rational head on his shoulders and Nicky loved him for it. Ever since they were in high school, the man was always one that Nicky could just turn to and swoon because he was, for all intents and purposes, perfect.

Yet he could never understand why he was so afraid of seeing him again.

"Wow," Steve said, blinking, "I didn't realize you felt so strongly about him, I always thought it was more of a joke than anything."

Nicky groaned, feeling a headache forming. "Did I seriously just say everything out loud?"

Rhett nodded, standing up and walking over, feeling his forehead. "Well, you're not sick, but this tends to happen when you start thinking about Sam, so it's nothing we should worry about."

Nicky swatted his hand away half-heartedly, feeling way too tired for someone who had woken up completely energized. He looked over at Steve who gave him a small smile, shrugging and inclining his head, trying to convey a message that Nicky received, but couldn't translate into words.

"It's odd to see you so serious," the blond said, still trying to smile in an effort to get the man to do the same, "You're usually always smiling. Though, I guess, that can get hard when there's nothing to smile about."

Nicky's breath caught on the last part, his own words echoing in his mind. He forced them away, biting his lip and blinking back tears; he was not about to cry in front of Captain America, he would never forgive himself.

He forced himself to smile, the familiar tug upwards feeling awkward, as if it was moving more out than out, gauging how well he was doing by Steve's reaction; the man's smile had fallen and he was looking at Nicky with barely concealed concern.

"You don't always have to smile," Steve said, glancing over to Rhett who was just watching the scene unfold with a blank expression, "It's okay."

Nicky shook his head. "No, it's not. I-I have to keep smiling."

Steve didn't ask why. A man with his own demons, he knew better than to ask someone to show him their own. So he just nodded and moved forward, squeezing Nicky's shoulders before raising his hands and pushing away the strained smile.

Nicky sighed, running a hand over his jaw as the smile returned not a moment later, no feeling behind it, but a habitual need. That was the thing about him that baffled so many people; even if he was sad, he was smiling. Even when his heart was aching and begging and pleading for want of something he couldn't have, he was smiling as wide and as well as he could, because his smile was everything about him.

When people look at Nicky, the first thing they see is his jaw. If one were to ask, they would all say that he had a jaw that was made for smiling.

But Nicky Green also had a heart. A heart that was made to be broken.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

I nearly cried writing this chapter, not gonna lie, I hurt my son so much, I wish I didn't have to do this to him. But, I mean, I had planned on killing him off in Infinity War, but I'm adamantly refusing to acknowledge Infinity War in my stories, so he's safe.

Sorry for no Sam in this chapter, I tried writing him in, but it just didn't work out, so I've decided to have a more cliche meeting for them, get ready, it's gonna be cute as all hell, I'm so excited.

For those who don't know, Terran Sweets is an upcoming character in my Natasha fic, which will be coming out in a few months, so you're just getting a taste of him now and will get to dive in later this year.

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed!