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r a c i n g

Declan's long strides covered the room within mere seconds. There was no second guessing when he dipped his head, his lips crashing onto mine. I was pinned against the wall, and I found my arms weaving themselves around his neck as I pulled him in closer.

There was nothing gentle about the kiss, but the raw unleashing of tension we had built up between us all this time. We had only kissed twice before this, but it felt like his tongue knew every contour of my mouth. He was an expert in the field of kissing, which made absolutely no sense in the hazy fog of my mind, but I could hardly care less.

"What about Stella?" I asked, at last, pulling away from him.

"Fuck it," He murmured, "I couldn't go out with her after leaving you like that. I can't even tell you how much I'm crazy for you," He continued, his voice unusually rough and muffled against my skin.

That stopped me. "What did you say?"

He smiled, and it took all of my willpower not to kiss him again. "I said I'm crazy for you. Honestly, El, didn't you have any idea?"

"You need to leave," I said quickly. "Now."

Declan frowned in confusion. "Why?"

I said the first thing that came to mind. "Because Stella's waiting."

"What the hell, Eloise," He snapped, agitation seeping into his voice. "I'm not leaving again after what just happened. We need to talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about," I replied, shutting my eyes and taking a deep breath. "You can't have feelings for me. Please."

I was begging him. Literally begging him not to have feelings for me. Because it was a deep abyss he was sinking into, a pit that I knew he wouldn't be able to claw his way out.

"That's just bullshit," He spat, reaching for me, but I flinched away from him. "You can't just expect me to switch off whatever feelings I have when I've obviously been in love with you all this time."

I stared at him, stunned and completely shell-shocked. "You what?" Liking me was one thing. But being in love with me?

He sighed and sank down onto my bed. "First day I saw you helping Matt. You were the only person I'd ever seen treat Matt like a normal person. The only one who didn't stare, or laugh. You were the only one who ever asked me if I was alright, the only one I could have a proper conversation with."

"What about Stella?" My throat was dry.

"Stella?" He smiled bitterly and shook his head. "El, you didn't show any interest whatsoever. A guy can only go on waiting for so long. I figured maybe if I went out with Stella, you'd finally say or do something. And you did."

"I'm sorry, Declan," The words tasted like bile, each syllable stabbed at my tongue. "But you need to stay away from me."

It took an almost Herculean effort, but I willed my feet to move towards the door. If he wasn't leaving, then I had to leave first before I could hurt him anymore.

"This is about the baby, isn't it?"

My heart stopped. I almost believed it had stopped beating, because that was exactly how it felt like. And I froze, my tongue cleaved to the roof of my mouth, my throat was dry.

"You didn't fool me. That picture was a sonogram. I'm not stupid," Even though his voice was gentle, every word sent a sharp twisting pain through my heart. "I kind of connected the dots. So why don't you just tell me what happened?"

"I can't."

"Why?" He pressed, insistently. For once, he was hardly patient about it. "It won't be that bad, I promise. I mean, come on, what I did to Matt was the worst thing, you can't possibly beat that."

Oh, he had no idea. A sudden force of anger hit me so fast and strong that I whirled around to face him. "I can't tell you. Because if I did, you'd never look at me the same again!"

Declan held my gaze, unwaveringly. "Try me," He replied, simply. "Because I'm not going anywhere until you tell me why we can't be together. And whatever it is you're going to say, I promise I can handle it, and we'll get through this together."

I took a deep breath. "That was my kid."

The silence that descended following my words was unbearable.

"You have a kid?" His voice was emotionless, impassive, when he finally spoke.

"I had a kid. I - I had an abortion."

"Why?"

And there was that question I had been dreading the most. Yet the words came spilling out, a bloody dam that had finally burst. It was impossible to contain the words, or the tears, that poured forth with a frenzy.

"I don't know, I - I ask myself that every single day. I just went, because I figured my parents were going to kill me if they found out," I replied. The sobs were breaking forth now, and it was difficult to subdue them.

In a split second, I could see it all. Everything that had happened, all the memories I had carefully enclosed and kept hidden. The truth was, I was never going to be able to forget. It was like a scar that was never going to heal, even after all these months. It was all the what-ifs that haunted me. It was the way I sometimes dreamt of the baby, what it could've been, what it could've done, had I actually let it live.

Suddenly, I felt a pair of arms wind themselves around my waist, Declan's warm chest came into contact with my cheeks. "Hey, listen," He murmured, tightening his grip on me. "It's alright, okay? Everyone makes mistakes. You're not the only one to blame. I think part of the responsibility also had to go to baby's father."

He pulled back, and smiled. His smile warmed my heart, and I couldn't help but smile back through my tears as he brushed the pad of his thumb across my cheek.

"Seriously, El, stop crying, because I'm absolutely shite at dealing with emotional females. I just want to know one more thing," He continued, spreading his palm across my cheek and tilting my head up so I was looking at him. "Who's the father?"

I glanced away then, there was no way I could hold his gaze. But Declan deserved to know the truth. I owed him this much. But it was the hardest thing to say. I shut my eyes. The image of a dark-haired boy flashed in my mind. His gorgeous smile, lovely eyes.

And it was going to break Declan's heart when I told him the truth.

"Parker," I murmured, at last, so softly it was almost inaudible. "It was Parker."

"What?"

Desperately wishing that Declan hadn't heard, I glanced away, the oxygen burning in my lungs as I inhaled sharply. But he had. He had heard every word, every syllable, and his grip tightened, his nails digging into my flesh painfully.

"You said Parker," His voice was harsh. "Did you mean Parker Collins?"

I shut my eyes.

"Look at me," Declan snapped, and my eyes flew up to meet his, and if they had been warm and gentle moments ago, they were cold and furious now. "Some time back, Parker told me he had a girlfriend, but he never told me who it was - that was you then?"

There was no choice. I nodded, and Declan's expression hardened.

"He nearly had a meltdown once when he thought he'd gotten her pregnant," Declan continued, relentlessly. "But then when I asked him about it later on, he said it was a false alarm. There was never a kid to begin with!"

A sudden surge of anger that was directed at Parker rose in me. "He told me to abort the baby!" I spat, furiously. "He told me and I was so, so terrified! I didn't know what to do! If he'd been there, if only he'd been there when I needed him to be, then maybe everything wouldn't have happened the way it did!"

The fire went out of my eyes as quickly as it had entered, and I subsided, sank down on my bed slowly. Declan was silent, but his jaw was clenched, his gaze distant. He had never seemed so closed-off before.

He slowly stepped away from me, the way his posture was stiff, unrelenting. "I'm sorry, Eloise," He muttered, at last. "But I have to go."

There were no words that came to mind. I watched, silently, as he grabbed his jacket and headed to the door. There was a lump in my throat, I wanted to cry out to stop him from leaving, but I couldn't. And I could only watch as he stepped out of the room, shutting the door softly behind him.