Mikhail was away for most of the following week, and that began a pattern that continued for the next several weeks—gone for several days, then a brief visit for a day or two. I understood he had rehearsals and other preparations keeping him busy, but still... it was hard to have him gone during such a difficult time. And even when he was in town, he insisted on staying at the town hall instead of with me as I'd hoped. He said that he felt it was better that way while I was in counseling with Cam—he didn't want to interfere with that process. So really, I didn't see nearly as much of him as I'd have liked.

On the other hand, I was beginning to feel less stressed out and panic-stricken around Cam. At least, I stopped feeling physically ill at the sight or thought of him. I even allowed him to come over and visit once or twice. He tried to get me to let him help out with my farm chores, but even if I'd been so inclined, he really wasn't up to the work. Even in my current condition, dizzy spells and all, I was still stronger than him. But I did let him check on me to be sure I was okay, partly for his peace of mind and partly because I knew it didn't hurt to have someone look in on me just to be safe, now that I was on my own again.

Our second session was a three and a half weeks after the first, and once again I had scheduled my prenatal along with it. I hadn't been able to schedule it for before our session this time, though, as she was unusually booked up that day. So instead she agreed to stay a little late and check me out after counseling.

I arrived at the clinic a little late. I was nearing the end of the second trimester, and things that I once took for granted were no longer so easy for me to do. Putting my shoes on, for instance, had become a bit of a challenge, and I also got out of breath quickly when walking and had to pause to rest frequently. As I hurried and took a seat, I apologized and explained my difficulties. Dr. Ayame just smiled in amusement, but Cam looked surprised. "I had no idea that things like that would be so hard for you," he said after a moment's thought. "Pregnancy must be pretty difficult, especially when you don't have anyone to give you a hand."

"Kiddo, you've just said a mouthful," Dr. Ayame replied as he just looked at me with concern. I nodded in agreement with a wry smile.

"All right," Dr. Ayame said, "let's get started, shall we? Last week, Cam concluded that the cause of his reaction was the fear that he didn't deserve you—that Mikhail was a better choice for you—and that you'd eventually realize that and leave him. Is that right?" Cam looked down at the floor and nodded. "So this week..." she started to say, but I cut in.

"Wait. If you don't mind, I have a question I would really like answered." She nodded, and I turned to look at Cam. "Why did you sleep with that girl? I honestly thought you seemed like you didn't want a divorce up until then. So why? And then why did you have to go and rub salt in the wound and tell me that she was better in bed than me?"

Dr. Ayame eyebrows shot up in surprise—apparently this was news to her. Cam turned beet red and stared at his hands fidgeting nervously on his lap, unable to look me in the eyes. In a low voice, he said, "I... I didn't mean what I said. I was just so angry, and... jealous. I said things I shouldn't have said, and that weren't even true, just to... I guess just to hurt you like I was hurting. It was stupid and childish and... and cruel. I'm... I'm sorry."

"That doesn't explain why you slept with her in the first place," I pointed out.

He sighed and rubbed his forehead. "I... I know. I don't have a good excuse. But I'll tell you the reason, even though I know that it's no excuse for my behavior. You see, you were right—I really did want you back. I was mad at myself for how I lashed out at you when we heard you were pregnant, and I was mad at you for getting mad at me, for slapping me and running away. I-I don't blame you for being mad, but rational or not, I was still angry. And then later... when you said you wanted a divorce, well... it just played into my fears. You know, that you would regret your decision and leave me for... for him. But... mad and hurt as I was, I still didn't want to let you go. I... wanted you back. But I didn't know what to do—I felt like I'd crossed some lines that I couldn't just uncross, and I didn't know how to fix what I'd broken.

"Anyway, so I started playing that stupid game, putting you off and not making these appointments, in the hopes that you'd eventually give up, and then maybe I could change your mind and get you to take me back. It was a really dumb idea, I know that. But it was the only thing I could think of at the time. I... I really wasn't thinking very clearly.

"But then when you got sick of it and said that if I didn't start counseling with you, that you'd go somewhere else for a divorce—somewhere that you could just get one even without me agreeing to it—something just kind of snapped. I felt like it was hopeless, then—you seemed so determined to be rid of me, no matter what it took. So...."

He paused for a long moment, while Dr. Ayame and I waited in silence for him to continue. He put his head in his hands and sighed a long, shaky sigh. "Okay, so first I want to say, that no matter what either of you think about me, I've probably already thought it... and worse. And no matter how stupid or weak it sounds to you, believe me, I already know that—I've been beating myself up over it for the past few months. Not that I'm asking you to take it easy on me or anything, just letting you know... no matter how low your opinion of me might be, I bet my own is even lower.

"So after that... I was, well, devastated. I was sure it was over, like I said—that nothing I could do would get you back at that point. So I closed up shop right after you left, took the train to the nearest city, and proceeded to get totally plastered. I don't think I've ever been so drunk in my life. To be honest, I don't even remember picking that girl up, or returning to Bluebell with her. I'm not even sure how we got back. I... I kind of came back to my senses in the middle... in the middle of having sex with her. And I was still drunk enough at the time that everything was all hazy, so I thought... I thought she was you. I thought I was making love to you...." He stopped, brushing his hand across his eyes as he shook his head.

"It wasn't until I woke up early the next morning, and found a total stranger in my bed instead of you, that I realized what I'd done. I... I was sick—literally sick to my stomach, I mean—and then I threw on my clothes and dragged her out of there and sent her back to town on the earliest train.

"Normally I would have gone to visit my parents' graves that day, being a Monday, but I... I just couldn't. I was too ashamed. I couldn't even face myself. So instead, I spent the day just wandering in the woods, avoiding anyone that came along. And I decided that I had to tell you what I'd done, to try to apologize for my actions, and to see if, despite all I'd done, somehow maybe you could forgive me enough to try to make things work.

"I stayed out until well past midnight, slept hardly at all, and was up really early the next morning. While I was getting dressed, I heard there'd be a blizzard soon. So I decided to go see you first thing that morning rather than waiting until after work, in case the storm hit before I could get over to talk to you. I waited until I was sure you'd be up, then I ran over to talk to you. And then... then when I opened the door, I saw you in bed with Mikhail, and it... it was pretty obvious what you'd been doing. And... I completely lost it."

I just sat and stared at him. I didn't know what to say to all that. It was all so ridiculous and ... and so stupid. But at the same time, I recognized the fact that he was finally being honest not only with me, but with himself, was a major breakthrough. And I felt confident that he really was being honest, because he hadn't attempted to sugar-coat anything so far.

"It's true, isn't it—what you said then?" Cam said, interrupting my thoughts. "That you really hadn't slept with him until the just that night, and that you probably wouldn't have even then if you hadn't found out I'd been with another girl."

"Of course it's true. I've never once lied to you or knowingly deceived you—not once."

He nodded. "I... I believe you. I'm sorry that I doubted you before. It wasn't really you that I doubted, you know—it was me. I can see that now. But I couldn't then, so I took it out on you. Not even on purpose—it just kind of seemed to say itself, and then it kind of even made sense to me, in a warped sort of way. Again, I know that's no excuse...."

"No, it really isn't. But I accept your apology."

"If... if I hadn't slept with her... would you still have left me for him? Or would we maybe have been able to work things out? I know, I really screwed up...."

"I... I can't really say, Cam, because things didn't happen that way. I don't know about 'what-ifs' or 'might-have-beens'. Maybe I would have, but maybe not. I do know that, despite everything, some part of me kept hoping that you'd just outright refuse to let me go like that—that you'd at least make an effort to get me back. Instead, you just seemed to get... well, mean. Vindictive. I-I still don't know what to make of all this, you know. It's like you suddenly turned into an entirely different person than the one I fell in love with and chose to marry. You became a stranger to me... and not a very nice one, at that. Even if you do somehow want to try to make things work out, I just don't know if we can.... You hurt me so much, Cam, and because of that, I've lost my faith in you. I just don't trust you, after all you've said and done. You really let me down."

"Then it really is over between us now, isn't it? There's no chance you'll take me back. Not...." He turned to look at the doctor, who was leaning her cheek against her hand, watching us as we tried to pick our way through our mess. "Is there really any point in further sessions, doctor? I mean, if things are beyond repair... what difference does any of this make?"

She sat up and leaned back, looking him straight in the eyes as she twirled a pen between her fingertips. "Well, Cam, first of all, yes, there is a point. Even if your marriage is damaged beyond all salvation, one day you may find yourselves wanting to marry again. So trying to figure out what went wrong this time will give you better odds of success next time. Second—and correct me if I'm wrong here, Alice—but so far I haven't heard her actually say that there is no hope of reconciliation. What I have heard is her trying to convey to you how much pain you've caused her, and how you effectively crushed her hopes of reconciliation.

"I think so far you've both done a fair job of listening to each other. But listening isn't the same thing as hearing. You need to read between the lines a little, try to understand the meaning and significance of the words. I suggest that you both try to go beyond just listening, and start hearing what the other is saying. Okay? Now, our time is up. Let's get you set up for your next appointment, then Alice, I still need to examine you. We'll be listening to her heartbeat again today—something we'll check at most of your appointments from now on."

I glanced at Cam as I stood up, and he looked strangely wistful. "Cam? Is something wrong? Did you have something else you wanted to say?" I asked as he slowly rose to his feet.

He started slightly and blushed. "Oh, uhh... no, not wrong exactly. It's just...."

"Yes?" I prompted, as Dr. Ayame and I stood waiting for him.

"I... I was just wishing I could hear her heartbeat, too. I know—you've already told me I've lost any right to her. I'm not arguing that. But still...."

I sighed and glanced at the doctor, who looked both amused and bemused. "I... well, I suppose there's no harm in you being there this one time. Unless Dr. Ayame objects, that is?"

She shrugged, "Whatever you want, kiddo—no skin off my nose either way. Well, if that's settled, let's get this over and done with, okay? Then we'll get you scheduled afterwards."

Cam looked both thrilled and a little apprehensive at my concession as he followed us back to the exam room. First she weighed me, noting with a slight grimace of displeasure that I hadn't gained any weight since last time and reminding me that I needed to eat properly. After that, I clambered up onto the exam table with all the grace of a three-legged giraffe climbing a ladder. I removed my bra without taking off my shirt, then I pulled my shirt up from my belly and pulled the elastic waist of my stretchy pants down before lying back on the table. She smeared some ultrasound gel on my abdomen and switched on the Doppler monitor, then dug into my rotund belly with the wand as she searched for the baby's location.

"She's more to the other side," I commented as she prodded. She nodded and slowly moved the wand that direction.

"How—how can you tell where she is?" Cam asked, baffled.

Just then, my side twitched. "That's how," I said with a smile. "She's a strong little thing." His eyes were as big as saucers as he watched intently, obviously hoping to see another kick.

Just then, the weird noises and squawks coming from the speaker resolved into a rhythmic thumping. Cam jumped a little, then without looking away from my belly, he asked, "I-is that her? The baby's heartbeat?"

"No, kiddo, that's Alice's. Hear how loud and slow it is? And see, it measures it at 74 bpm—beats per minute, that is—a good, strong heart rate. Not surprising for someone as healthy as she is." After a few more moments and some more strange sounds, another rhythmic thumping, softer and faster than before, came clearly through the speakers. "Ah! Here we go. That's the baby you're hearing now, Cam. See over here, her rate is 130 bpm... oh, and climbing. She must be getting lively in there. You'll probably see a few more kicks soon."

Cam looked like a little kid on Christmas morning at that, so without thinking, I grabbed his hand and set it firmly on my belly, right where I could feel her moving. "Just wait a few minutes," I said as I looked up at his startled face.

He nodded, and a few minutes later, she gave a tentative push against the pressure of his hand, then another. He jumped, and a big grin slowly spread across his face. "Wow... she really is strong. Just like her mom." He reluctantly pulled his hand away, and the doctor handed him a towel to wipe off the gel. "Thanks, Alice. That... that was amazing. Getting to hear her heartbeat and feeling her moving like that.... I-I never realized.... I wish...." Then he looked away.

"Wish what?" I asked, curious what he'd say, though I had an idea.

"Never mind, it's nothing I have any right to wish for anyway," he said, refusing to look at me.

"I'd like to know, all the same," I said.

He hesitated, then said, "All right. But... but not right now, okay? I'll... I'll tell you later."

I nodded and looked over at the doctor, who'd been watching us with some amusement. "Then if we're good for now...." She wiped the gel from my belly and proceeded to complete her exam, taking measurements and vital signs. The baby's size was where it should be, she said, and my vitals looked good, though she warned me that my blood pressure was still a little low—normal for that stage of pregnancy, she reminded me, but nevertheless something to keep in mind, or else I might find myself blacking out. She assured me that it should start to rise again before long, probably before I entered the third trimester.

After that, she quickly examined my breasts and prodded my belly, all the while asking me questions that had Cam turning scarlet, to my amusement. When she was done, I put my bra back on and adjusted my clothes. "Well, Alice, you are as usual in excellent health. Your breasts seem to be filling out nicely, and I don't see any obvious problems that might create difficulties with nursing so far. Your baby's size is just where it should be, though I'd like to see you gain a little more weight. As long as you're not starving yourself and you're eating healthfully, though, you should be fine. And don't forget your water!

"As Cam saw, your little one is quite active, and she has a good, strong heartbeat. Your vitals are fine, too, other than the blood pressure as I mentioned. Now, as you will be entering your third trimester in a few weeks, you may soon begin to feel some little contractions, just kind of randomly coming and going. Don't panic. They're called Braxton-Hicks contractions, and they're normal during the last trimester. Just think of them as kind of an exercise regimen, to strengthen the muscles of your uterus in preparation for labor. You'll notice a cramping sensation—uncomfortable, but not really painful—and your belly may even feel hard. You'll likely start off with just one or two little contractions once in a while, and as you get nearer your due date, they'll increase in both frequency and intensity. Again, don't worry if you get them. The only time you should be concerned is if they become regular or if they continue to get worse. If that happens, come in and see me.

"As usual, if you notice any bleeding or other unusual symptoms, or if you begin to have regular, increasingly severe contractions, or if the baby has no activity for a prolonged period, come see me immediately. You're at the point now where it really would be best for you to have someone to stay with you, especially since this is your first child. If something happens, you may need help, or at least someone to run and fetch me if you can't make it in. So think it over, okay? See if anyone can come and stay with you for a few months, until after the baby's born and you're up and about again. Your mom, maybe? Or your brother? A friend? Well... anyway, think about it. Try to find someone if you possibly can."

We left, Cam again trailing along behind us, and walked out to the front desk, where Hiro sat waiting with his usual cheery smile. "Ready to schedule your next appointments?" he asked, pulling out the schedule book as Cam and I walked around to the front of the desk and Dr. Ayame came over to glance at her schedule.

"Let's see. The soonest you could schedule your third session would be three weeks from today. How's that sound?"

I nodded and looked at Cam, who said it was fine with him. Hiro put us down for Thursday at 1:00, then the doctor said, "And Alice, I'll want to see you, too—I'll be seeing you more often during this last stage of your pregnancy, just to keep closer tabs on your health. So how about we schedule an exam for ten days from now, and another for right after counseling again?" I nodded agreement, and Hiro penciled me in and wrote the times of all three appointments down on a slip of paper for me. "Okay, you two, I'll see you later. Alice, take good care of yourself, and think about what I said about getting some help, all right?"

"I will," I promised, and turned to leave.

Cam followed along behind me, and we started to walk back towards Bluebell. Halfway through the tunnel, he stopped. "Alice..." he said, and I turned to look at him.

"Yeah? What is it?" I said, surprised by the apprehensive look on his face.

"Well, it's just that... the doctor seemed pretty firm that you need someone around to help, and you seemed like you couldn't think of anyone that you wanted to have help you. So... I was thinking... maybe I could come stay with you? I mean, I know—I know you're still hurt and angry with me. And I know I treated you pretty badly and that you don't trust me anymore—though I really want to earn back your trust. And I'm not suggesting that you, well, that you take me back or anything. I'll sleep wherever you want me to sleep—on the sofa or whatever. I just want to try to help in any way I can. Because, you know, despite all that I said and did, I really do love and care about you and... your baby. I know—I sure haven't shown it. But it's true. Even though I really don't have any right to tell you so anymore...."

I looked at him for a minute, startled by his suggestion. Then I said, "You're right. You don't." Then I turned and started to walk away. After a few steps, though, I stopped again.

Without turning back around, I said, "But... but maybe I wouldn't mind it so much, having you stay with me. For now."