When I awoke the next morning, I felt run down and groggy. With so much on my mind, I hadn't slept at all well. I kept thinking about wedding plans, making mental lists of things that needed to be done in my limited planning time. So as soon as I slid out of bed, even before getting dressed, I headed to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee.

I had just switched the coffeemaker on when someone knocked on my door. Looking in surprise at my clock, I saw that it was only a few minutes past six. "Who on earth would be coming by this early?" I muttered to myself as I stumbled towards the door, fastening my robe closed as best I could with clumsy fingers.

A moment later I found myself being swept up in a bear hug, swung around, and being kissed all over my face and neck. Then a familiar voice murmured hoarsely into my neck, "Oh goddess, Alice, I've missed you these few days. Tell me, love, do you have an answer for me?"

My eyes flew open at that, all traces of sleep vanished with the realization that Mikhail had returned. And I didn't know what to say to him.

He set me down and raised my hand to kiss it as he gazed adoringly into my eyes... then he glanced down. He froze, then straightened up, staring fixedly at the glittering sapphire on my finger. He released my hand and looked at me, his eyes eloquent with anguish and despair.

He stared into my eyes for a long moment, then turned and leaned heavily against the wall, his head bowed. "I... I see. So this, then, is your answer?" he asked dully.

"Yes. I... I'm sorry, Mikhail," I said in a low voice.

He whirled back around and pulled me to him in a fierce embrace. "Sorry? Sorry? If you're sorry, then tell me—why? Why him? Why not... why not me?" He buried his face in my hair, and I could feel him quivering. "I love you... as the night loves the moon, as the day loves the sun, as the soul loves music, so do I love you, Alice. And I thought... I thought you loved me, too."

I gently pushed him back and looked him in the eyes, sharing the raw pain exposed there. "I do love you, Mikhail, and I always will. But... I can't marry you. Life with you would be like a continuous roller coaster ride—exhilarating heights, but also great depths. And... sooner or later, I'd grow weary of the constant ups and downs and just want to get off the ride and walk on solid, level ground. Do you understand?"

"All too well," he replied, bitterly. "I regret I cannot be what you want me to be... that I cannot give you what you want me to give. I cannot be anyone but myself... and in the end, it appears that simply is not enough." He sighed and looked away. "So, when... when will this.... When will you be married?"

"Three weeks from this next Saturday."

He looked back sharply at me. "So... so soon."

I cleared my throat. "I'm, uhh... I'm not sure how to say this, but... with respect to invitations..."

"Yes, yes. I understand," he said, waving his hand dismissively as he looked away. "Cam will not want his former rival present at his nuptials."

I looked at him in surprise. "Well, honestly, that's not what I was going to say. Frankly, I don't give a fig if he wants you there or not. It's my wedding, too, after all. If... if you want to come, I'd be very happy to have you there. But... I'll understand if you would rather not. I just... don't want you to feel unwelcome. I... I can't return your love as you hoped I would, Mikhail, but I do still love you and care about you. I'd like to be friends with you, and I very much hope that you'll get over me soon and find your... your soul mate."

He gave a mirthless snort of laughter. "Thank you for your concern, but I have already found my 'soul mate'—only it seems that I am not hers. There will be no one else. As I told you before, I'll spend the rest of my life alone. There is no place in my heart for anyone but you, nor will there ever be."

With that, he turned and left.

I stood staring at the door for some time after he left, the tears that I'd kept back finally spilling down my cheeks. Then I slowly dressed and switched off the coffeepot—I no longer had any appetite.

I dragged slowly through my chores, taking much longer than usual to complete them. I still had no appetite by the time I finally finished, so I skipped lunch as well. I felt so heavy-hearted, and I wanted nothing more than to go to sleep for hours or years even, to wake up and find everything was fine again. But I knew it wouldn't be, that there was no going back to the way things had been once upon a time, so instead I pulled out my violin and went back outside. I perched on my pasture fence and began to play. I found that even the sweetest, happiest tunes I played had a melancholic air as my conflicted heart was drawn out through the strings, infusing my music with the anguish I felt. Likewise, the sad songs I played became almost unbearable, and the tears flowed freely as I played, chilled by the wind as they streamed down my face.

How long I sat out there I couldn't say, but the next thing I knew, the shadows had grown long and Cam was strolling down my drive, a puzzled look on his face as he watched me. "Alice? Are you okay?" he asked as he drew near. He spotted the tears and looked alarmed. "What is it? What happened?"

I set my violin on my lap and looked down at him. "He's back."

"Who...? Oh, you mean Mikhail? What happened? Are you all right? He didn't... do anything to you, did he?" he asked, looking alarmed.

"What? No! It's not that, it's... it's...."

"It's what?" He leaned against the fence and looked up at me, puzzled.

I heaved a sigh and rubbed my forehead tiredly. "You know, Cam, I... I love him. I love him, and I broke his heart. He swears he'll never love anyone else ever again. I... I know that sounds overly dramatic... but I think he really means it. And it kills me to think of him going through life alone, with no one to love him."

"So... what are you saying, then? Are you saying you regret your choice? Are you... are you calling off the wedding?" Cam asked, his brow furrowing uncertainly.

"No, I'm not saying that. But...."

"But what? I don't understand, Alice. You were so happy—or I thought you were. But after just one conversation with him, you've done a complete about-face. Don't you want to marry me anymore?"

"Yes, Cam, I do—I definitely do. But please, try to understand. Saying yes to you naturally meant saying no to him. So on the one hand, I'm thrilled at the prospect of marrying you and spending the rest of my life with you, but on the other hand, I'm grieving over a very painful breakup with someone I loved very much for many years. I... I hadn't really anticipated this... this overwhelming sense of loss. All I thought about was the joy I knew awaited me once I made my decision—not the heartbreak I'd feel and cause from ending the other relationship. But just because I'm feeling heartbroken from ending my relationship with Mikhail and from the pain I've caused him doesn't mean that I'm any less thrilled about our upcoming marriage, or that my love for you is diminished in any way. It just means that... well, I expect I'll be kind of up and down for a while. So please try to bear with me, okay?"

He hopped up onto the fence and sat on the top board next to me, putting his arm around me as he thought about what I'd said. After a minute, he nodded, saying, "Okay. I guess I can see where you're coming from. As long as you're still sure, now that you've talked to him?"

I nestled up against him and nodded. Heavy heart or not, home was a good place to be.

The next few weeks passed in a blur of work and planning. I didn't see Mikhail again during all that time, though I wasn't sure if it was just because I was always so busy, or if he was intentionally avoiding me. Eileen completed some additional improvements to my farm, as well, and I was optimistic that I'd be ready to move back to Bluebell before winter arrived.

The day before our wedding was dark and dreary, rain pouring from black clouds all day long. I fretted about the weather all day as Cam, our friends, and I all put the finishing touches on the two halls, completed the flower arrangements, and made any last-minute adjustments to our outfits. My family and my brother's girlfriend—a pretty, dark-eyed girl named Yvonne—had arrived that morning. My parents and brother were staying in my farmhouse in Bluebell, and Yvonne stayed in the Bluebell town hall. Beth had arrived shortly afterwards, taking up residence in the second guest room in Konohana, next to Mikhail's room.

That night, after Nathan, the new priest, took us through a quick rehearsal of the ceremony, everyone split up. The ladies all assembled at Yun's tea house for my bridal shower, while Howard gathered the men at his café for Cam's bachelor party. The only person that skipped the parties, I later learned, was Mikhail—not that I was surprised. Beth said that he'd told her he just couldn't bring himself to go congratulate Cam and to see him looking so pleased—not when he wished with all his heart that their positions were reversed.

Yun had provided had tea and snacks, and Laney had baked a beautiful cake that looked as though it was covered in huge roses. Everyone had some gift for us, large or small—ranging from jars of dried herbs or bottles of homemade wine to housewares or decorative objects. To my embarrassment, Eileen, Laney, and Beth had all given me racy lingerie. When I'd opened the first of these—a petite, prettily wrapped box from Eileen—I'd held up the wisps of peach colored silk and turned bright red as I realized that it was a teensy weensy sheer babydoll—made with barely enough fabric to cover even one of my breasts, let alone both—and the tiniest thong I'd ever seen. "Eileen!" I gasped, quickly stuffing them back in the box. "Sheesh, it's bad enough when you all tease me when it's just us—do you have to do that in front of my mother, too?"

She laughed as she said, "Oh come on, Alice—there's no need to be so embarrassed! I mean, you're twenty-four for goddess's sake! I'm sure your mom knows more than you think, anyway."

"Knows what? There's nothing to know!" I exclaimed. "I'm serious!" I added as my friends started to laugh.

Laney stopped giggling and looked at me, my face crimson and tears in my eyes. "Wait... you really mean it? You... you're still a... a virgin?"

"Why does everyone find that so hard to believe?!" I wailed, affronted and hurt by the teasing that had, in my opinion, gone a little too far this time.

Georgia blushed and looked away, saying, "Well, I mean, we all just kinda assumed.... It's not meant as a reflection on you, it's just... you know, you're so pretty and popular with the guys, and...." she trailed off.

"Well, believe it or not, I am a virgin. I've never 'done it' with anyone, no matter how hard they tried to persuade me. And you know, it hasn't always been easy to keep saying no over and over and over, especially.... And it really hurts when my own best friends tease me and act like it can't possibly be true. It makes me feel like you all think I'm really trashy!" I turned my back to them, trying to choke back the tears.

Laney got up and hurried over to me, putting her arms around me as she said, "Oh, Alice, I'm so sorry. You're right. And none of us think that about you at all, honest—it's just... well, I suppose maybe we're a little envious. I mean, you're smart, you're sweet, you've done an incredible job with your farm, and then to top it all off, you turn heads wherever you go. But we're your friends, and we shouldn't tease you like that, especially here at your own shower of all times. It was really insensitive and thoughtless of us, especially given all that you've been through. Please forgive us?"

The other girls came over, too, and added their apologies. After a minute, I nodded and sat back down, my throat still too constricted for words. There was a moment of uncomfortable silence, until precocious Cheryl piped up in a loud whisper, "Mama? What does 'done it' mean, and why hasn't Alice? Does she mean... kissing?"

Jessica choked on her tea, turning red as she sputtered and gasped while Ina thumped her on the back. When she could speak again, she said, "Yes, my love, that's right. She means kissing boys."

"Ewww! Well, I've never done it, either, then—and I'm glad! I don't know why anyone would want to do it! But Laney's done it—I saw her and Ash doing it! Mama, does that mean she's not a virgin anymore?" the child asked as everyone burst into laughter, the awkwardness gone. Jessica tried to answer her daughter with a straight face as Laney, mortified, turned several shades of scarlet.