Soon after midnight, the party began to wind down. Mikhail offered to walk me home, although I told him I wanted to stop by the clinic on the way home to check on Kana. We stepped inside the darkened clinic, and leaving Mikhail to wait in the front room, I walked back to the room where Kana had been taken. It was very still in the clinic, so I removed my shoes and walked as silently as I could, not wanting to disturb anyone.

Through the open door to his room, I saw Kana apparently in a deep sleep, his splinted and wrapped arm resting on top of the blankets. Hiro sat in a chair next to him, eyelids drooping and head nodding with exhaustion, his textbook just starting to slip from his hands. He started when I tiptoed in, looking surprised. He put a finger over his lips, and I nodded as he rose from his seat. We stepped out into the hall, and he softly closed the door behind him. In a whisper, I asked, "How is he?"

"He'll be fine, Alice," he whispered in reply. "Kana's an amazingly tough guy, you know. Dr. Ayame gave him a shot of an analgesic to help with the pain, and it's knocked him out for now. Sleep's what he needs most, anyway. She says as soon as the swelling has gone down, she'll make a cast for him, and then he can go home. He'll have to take it easy for a while, though."

I nodded, then whispered, "Hiro, let me keep an eye on him tonight. You need to get some rest, and well, I don't think I'll be able to sleep anyway. Just give me a few minutes to go home and change into something more comfortable, then I'll come sit with him so you can go to bed."

Hiro looked dubious, so I reassured him that I'd ring the bell for help if anything happened. After a moment's thought, he replied, "Okay, if you're really sure? Dr. Ayame thought nothing would happen anyway, that he'll just sleep. She mainly wants someone to be here when he wakes up or if he seems to be in pain. I suppose you could do that nearly as well as I could."

I sighed with relief, said I'd be back as soon as I could, and quickly hurried away. I pulled Mikhail out the clinic's door, closing it as softly as I could behind us. Once we were back out on the road, I said, "I'm coming back. I'm just going home to change my clothes. Hiro has been sitting up with him in case he wakes up and needs more pain medication, but he's half dead with exhaustion. So since I don't think I could possibly sleep after all the excitement, I'm going to take over. I feel so awful about what happened, it's the least I can do. Besides, Kana's my best friend."

Mikhail put his arm around my shoulders, saying, "Alice... don't feel guilty. It's not your fault that he got hurt. You aren't to blame."

I shook my head, feeling tears forming in my eyes again. "No, it is my fault. You don't understand. I promised Kana that I'd be honest with him... and I wasn't. I was fooling myself, and so I fooled him, too. If I'd only been honest with myself, none of this would have happened."

"What do you mean?" Mikhail asked, looking at me curiously.

"I mean... I mean, I'm just not in love with him. I knew that, but I wanted to give him a chance. I love him very dearly as a friend, and he wanted so much for me to return his love... so I tried to fool myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe, I could... but I can't. I don't love him that way, plain and simple, and I see now that I never will. I keep saying that you can't force love... but that's exactly what I was trying to do. So you see, it is my fault that he's hurt," I sobbed.

Mikhail said nothing for a minute, simply walked in silence beside me, his arm still around my shoulders. When we reached my house, he turned to me, put his hands on my shoulders as he looked into my eyes, and said, "Alice, you mustn't blame yourself for tonight. Kana did exactly what he wanted to do. He must have known that there was some risk involved—he's no bully, and he'd never have challenged me to a fight if he hadn't thought there was a real chance that I'd win. As for feeling as though you've been deceiving him... there's a difference between intentionally leading someone on and fooling yourself. You didn't set out to mislead him. And... I think it's very likely he knew, deep down, that it wasn't going to work out. He's not a fool, and he must have known that whatever you felt for him, it lacked that spark that kindles friendship, setting it aflame and transforming it into love. So don't be so hard on yourself, all right? You might feel that you let him down, but if he's at all the man I believe him to be, he won't share your sentiments."

I nodded, swallowing back my tears. "Hey, let me walk you back to the clinic, okay? I just happen to be heading that way myself," he said, with just the barest hint of humor in his voice. I smiled weakly, feeling an odd sense of relief, then nodded agreement.

I opened the door and asked him to come in and wait while I changed. He accepted my offer of tea, so I put the kettle on to heat while I changed my clothes. The floor plan in my house was an open one, with one large room that contained living, cooking, dining, and sleeping areas. The only room with any privacy was the bathroom, so I grabbed a change of clothes from my wardrobe and went in there to dress, leaving Mikhail poring over my bookshelves.

When I returned, he had seated himself on the small sofa and was flipping through the volume of Bashō that I'd recently finished reading. I started the tea brewing, and came over to sit next to him.

"Do you like Bashō?" I asked.

"Yes, though I've only read a little. I'm afraid that in my lifelong pursuit of music, I've rather neglected the other arts," he replied, with a hint of regret in his voice.

I went to finish preparing the tea, then returned with two cups and a teapot on a tray. I set the tray on the table, poured the tea, and handed him a cup, saying, "If you'd like, you're welcome to borrow that book. It was my grandparents', and it came with the house, along with most of the other books on those shelves. I finished reading it just a few weeks ago. I enjoyed it quite a lot, and I marked the verses that I especially loved."

"Thank you, I'd like that. And I'll be sure to look for those verses you've marked," he replied with a smile.

He set the book down on the table and sipped his tea thoughtfully, as we sat in silence. I had a feeling that he wanted to say something but wasn't sure how—or maybe even if—to do so. So I drank my tea in silence, too, grateful for the warmth spreading from my center outwards to my chilled arms and legs, though it didn't quite reach my fingers or feet. I had changed into jeans and a sweater, but I still felt cold. Despite the tea and the change of clothing, I shivered, unable to eliminate all the chill from my bones.

Mikhail noticed me shivering, and looking concerned, set his cup down and saying, "Are you feeling well? Maybe you shouldn't sit up all night, after all."

"No, no—I'll be fine. I just got chilled running around in the cold in that dress. If I'd known I'd be spending half the night outside, I wouldn't have worn it!" I said ruefully.

"Oh, but I'm so glad you did," Mikhail said with a smile. "You are always beautiful, but tonight you were stunning." I blushed at his compliment, though I was pleased that he thought so.

I drank a second cup, and even a third, but still I shivered. Mikhail watched me, the concern on his face deepening. "Alice, I'm very concerned about you going back out into the cold. I think you should stay home. I can stop by and tell Hiro you aren't well enough to return tonight, after all. If it would make you feel better, I can even offer to sit with Kana in your place."

I choked back a laugh at that idea. "Imagine Kana waking up to find you sitting there, gazing down at him with devoted concern!" I exclaimed, unable to hold back the laughter any longer.

Mikhail chuckled at the mental image, replying, "Well, I'm glad to hear you laughing anyway. But in all seriousness, I truly and worried for your health. I really don't think you should go. Why don't you just go to bed? Hiro will be fine. After all, this is what doctors do, isn't it? And if he aspires to be a doctor, he must get used to it."

"That's as may be," I replied, "but I promised I'd return, and I keep my promises. I've already taken longer than I ought. I really should get going."

Mikhail gave me a long, thoughtful look, then said, "And what if I make you go to bed?"

My eyes narrowed as I replied, "And how on earth would you manage that? Tie me up? Throw me into my bed and sit on me?"

"If necessary," he replied evenly.

I shrieked, jumping up and backing away, saying, "Mikhail Rehn! Don't you dare!"

"Then will you please get into your nightclothes and into your bed yourself, or do I need to do it for you?" he asked, his expression inscrutable.

I still wasn't sure just how far he'd carry out his threats, but I wasn't about to let him bully me into staying home, either. "You wouldn't dare. You'll regret it if you try!" I told him defiantly.

He thought for a minute, then said, "Yes, probably I would. But it might be worth it all the same." The gleam in his eyes was definitely wicked now, and I was almost positive that he was just pulling my leg now.

"Mikhail, don't tease me like that. It's... it's so mean. I've had such a long, tiring day, and with all that's happened tonight...."

He looked abashed as my eyes began to fill with tears again. "I'm sorry, Alice. No more teasing, I promise. Come here, sit down with me and have one more cup of tea to warm you before we go."

Mollified, I sat back down on the sofa and took the proffered cup of tea. It had already cooled quite a bit, so I gulped it down quickly before it could cool any more. I pulled on my fleece-lined winter boots and my warmest coat, then turned to Mikhail, who was shrugging his jacket back on, and said, "Okay, let's go." We stepped out, then I had a thought and told him to wait there a second while I dashed back in. I grabbed a volume of Shakespeare's sonnets from my shelf, then I saw the volume of Bashō still on the table and grabbed it as well. I dashed back out, handed the book of haiku to Mikhail, and we left.

It was just past one, so it was quite dark outside. Now that the revelers all had returned to their homes, it was peaceful as well. As we walked, Mikhail reached down and grabbed my hand, giving it a squeeze. He didn't let go until we reached the clinic door. "Alice," he said at the door, "I'm apologize wholeheartedly for all I put you through tonight. Please forgive me?"

I just smiled and nodded, not wanting to risk waking anyone by talking. Then after a moment's hesitation, I stood up on my tiptoes and kissed him goodnight. He put his arms around me as he returned my kiss, and I could feel the tension in him melting away. "He really was upset tonight, after all," I thought. "Maybe that's what made him tease me like that." Then I pulled away and went inside.

I tiptoed back to Kana's room, and found Hiro slumped down in his chair, his cheek resting on his hand, dozing lightly. He stirred when I stepped in, then stood up and stretched, stifling a yawn. I silently shooed him out the door and off to his bed, then I removed my bulky coat and hung it on one of the hooks on the door, settled down in the chair, turned the small reading lamp to focus it on my book, and settled down to read sonnets.

I'd always loved Shakespeare. The language had evolved so much since his time, that the meaning of the words he used was no longer always quite the same. So reading his poetry was almost like trying to decipher something written in a secret code that had two meanings: the modern meaning, and the original, intended meaning from his time. I'd read enough to have a general grasp on some of the more common differences between middle English and modern, but I still found that every time I read his works, I discovered some new nuance or hidden meaning that had previously eluded me. So his works were continually delighting and surprising me.

I turned first to my favorite sonnet, Sonnet CXXX, and read the familiar lines, beginning "My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun." Many of my classmates back in high school, especially the girls, had hated this poem, perceiving it to be cruelly insulting and mocking to the woman he was supposed to love. But I saw it differently—it seemed to me that rather than insulting her, he was saying "This is how the woman I love really is—and I love her just exactly as she is, faults and all." I read it over a few times, wondering what it would be like to be loved so completely and unconditionally, not placed on a pedestal, with someone trying to squeeze you into the narrow confines of their preconceived notions, but just for your own self—the bad along with the good.

I read the last couplet, "And yet by heaven, I think my love as rare/ As any she belied with false compare" softly out loud, hardly even realizing I had done so until Kana stirred. Startled, I nearly dropped the book. His eyes opened, but he appeared to be still in a daze. He looked around in confusion, and started to struggle to sit up, then he saw me and lay back down, just staring at me. "Kana?" I said softly, gently stroking his hair. "Hey, there. How do you feel?"

He tried to focus on me, then gave up and closed his eyes again. "Alice?" he muttered thickly. "What... where am I? What's going on?"

"You're in the clinic, Kana. You... you got into a fight with Mikhail and broke your arm. Do you remember?"

A long pause, then Kana said slowly, "Oh... did I? I think I remember a little bit. Kinda. I feel... strange. Really out of it."

"Dr. Ayame gave you something for the pain. It also made you really sleepy." He again struggled to get up, groaning as he moved his injured arm and falling back against the pillows again. "Shhh," I said, "Just take it easy and rest. Does it hurt very much? Should I get the doctor to give you more medicine?"

I started to stand, to go get Hiro or the doctor, but Kana held up his good arm and said drowsily, "Wait. No, don't go. I don't need anything. Just... Please just stay." I sat back down, and he sighed.

After a few minutes, I thought he'd gone back to sleep, so I reached for my book again. But then he said, without opening his eyes, "I'm sorry, Alice."

Startled by his words, I said, "Sorry? What for? You haven't done anything to apologize for, Kana."

He slowly shook his head, saying, "No, not true. I... I shouldn't have tried to pick a fight with Mikhail. I... know it's not working out between us. I know...." He closed his eyes, and a single tear brimmed out of the corner of his eye and trickled slowly down his cheek.

Feeling distressed, I said, "No, Kana, don't. Shhh, just get some sleep. Don't get yourself all worked up." I knelt next to his bed and reached a hand out to feel his forehead, which thankfully was not hot—just a little warm. I stroked his hair, trying to soothe him.

He reached up with his good hand and grasped my hand. Then looked at me with such sadness in his eyes, I nearly cried. "I love you, Alice, but you don't love me. It's okay. I know for sure now. You just don't, and it can't be helped. Just... just promise me something...." His voice trailed off as his eyes slowly closed again.

"What's that Kana? I'll do whatever I can...." I said, my stomach knotting with concern—he was acting so strangely, so unlike his normal self. Was it an effect of the medication?

Kana gripped my hand tightly, and said, "Promise me you'll be happy. Don't try to love someone just because some dude wants you to. Just... just be yourself, always just be yourself.... If that's not good enough, he doesn't deserve you anyway." And with that, he drifted back to sleep, his grip loosening and his hand slipping down onto his pillow.

Astonished by his request, I knelt next to his bed, gently stroking his hair until he finally fell back into a deep sleep.