CHAPTER FOUR
a letter to you .
❪ virginia : present day ❫

LYDIA WAS LEANT AGAINST HER DESK, FEELING OUT OF PLACE IN CASUAL CLOTHES. The bureau had awarded her another vacation day to make up for the one she'd been called in on, which aligned school breaks in Virginia. She'd promised Michael and Henry a while ago that she'd free up a day to take them somewhere, so she was using the opportunity to stick to her word. JJ was bringing them into the BAU to save dropping them off, and that way, Lydia could be there when they debriefed on what happened with Spencer.

Truthfully, she was glad that she had something to be occupied with— the thought of Spencer rotting away in jail after his bail had been denied was at the forefront of her mind, and it was making her feel nauseous. The sound of her name cut through the bullpen, two mops of blonde hair coming towards her. 

"Hey," She grinned, catching Michael in her arms— Henry, who was nearing his pre-teen years now, played it cooler and walked, rather than ran, like his brother. She pulled back, then reached out to ruffle the eldests hair, "Ready for the best day of your lives?"

"The best?" Michael echoed in childish excitement.

Lydia hummed, "Because you'll be spending it with me, of course."

Henry let out a groan, dramatically rolling his eyes at her while Michael gave a boyish giggle. JJ had an amused smile as she caught up, crossing her arms and leaning into the desk. "Thank you for this, my mom has an appointment and I thought I was going to have to call in sick."

"Don't mention it," She shrugged, letting herself admit, "I...needed the distraction."

JJ's features washed over with understanding, and she reached out to give her arm a squeeze. "Hey, boys, why don't you go play on your IPads in the round table room and Aunt Lydia will come get you in a little bit."

Michael tugged Henry away, rambling about a new game his dad just downloaded for him. JJ watched her for a moment, then said, "I'm worried too."

Lydia sighed slightly, her gaze flickering between her friend and floor before it finally focused on her shoes. Her brows furrowed, but she confided anyway, "I don't like the thought of him in there."

"Me either," She said empathetically, "It's okay, to admit it, you know? I can see you struggling to, but just because... with everything that went down between the two of you...  it doesn't mean you have to hide how you're feeling. We all know you care about him."

"I just... I don't feel like I have a right to. We've barely spoke in like three years—"

"Hey," JJ cut her off, "You have every right."

She inhaled— her eyes were starting to burn, and no matter how much she trusted the team, considered them her family, she wasn't willing to be that vulnerable over it yet. She couldn't cry here. "JJ—"

"Morning." Tara greeted, followed by Luke and Stephen. The woman let out a sigh, nursing her cup of coffee. They spoke for afew minutes about Spencer, giving opinions on whether it was right for him to plead guilty and take the deal. It didn't matter what any of them thought though— it was Spencer's choice, and because of that, the one he made was the only right one.

Luke asked, "What are we going to do?"

"Oh, Newbie, oh, Newbie." Gracia spoke, striding towards them with an air of certainty, "I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're going to send him letters every day, put money in his commissary account, we are going to send him puzzles, magazines, books, whatever we can think of to make sure those gorgeous gears inside that gorgeous boy wonder brain are lubed up and in perfect working order to keep us on track."

Lydia's lips pulled upwards— Penelope's optimism had always been a provider of light in darker times, and it had become a comfort to her over the years. The woman pulled out an obnoxiously large piece of card from behind her back, colourful cursive writing and sparkles decorating its expanse. "I took the liberty of making a chart."

"Good idea." Tara said fondly.

"Yes, I couldn't agree more." She looked down, then gestured to the names, "Also, if you'd noticed, there is a visitation schedule."

Lydia felt uneasiness flood through her at the sight of her own name, beautiful calligraphy with purple ink and third on the rotation. She shouldn't be there. Even if he did want to see her— which she doubted— what the hell would she say to him? After all this time, she wasn't sure if either of them could pretend to indulge in small talk while that one thing loomed over their heads. It wasn't like they could talk about it while he was in prison, with a time limit and sheet of glass between them.

"Hey, how come you get to go first?" Luke pointed out, feigning outrage, though there was a grin on his face.

"Because I made the chart, and if anyone has a problem with that, tough noogies."

He held up his hands in mock surrender, but Rossi's voice stopped him from replying, "What's all this?"

Followed by Emily, he came to stand on the other side of the desks. JJ answered, "Well, Miss Penelope here is keeping track of our correspondences and visits to Spence."

Rossi nodded in approval, "Very colourful, Penelope."

"Thank you, Sir. Oh! Which reminds me, I'm sending the first batch of letters to Reid in jail today. I'm going to need you to pen your upbeat, articulate missives and give them to me no later than 3pm sharp."

Rossi exchanged a heavy look with Emily, "I'm afraid you'll need a new mailing adress."

Lydia stood straighter, "What do you mean?"

"Early this morning Reid was moved from the police precinct to the Milburn Correctional Facility." Emily answered.

She went cold, her heart feeling as though it had been ripped from her chest and hurled off a cliff. "He's in prison?" JJ lamented, her eyes wide.

"How is that possible? There hasn't been a trial." Penny added.

He sighed, "You can blame overcrowding at the D.C jail."

"I know this isn't great news, but his lawyer is doing everything she can and she promised to keep me updated." Emily attempted to placate them, but it did little to ease any of their worries, "All we can do now is put our faith in the justice system, follow Garcia's chart and work the case we've got."

"Oh, yeah, the case. I'll go get the files." Penelope hurried off, and the rest of the team began to make their way to the round table. Lydia followed, meaning to retrieve the boys and head out towards a museum that the eldest had been talking about for a while.

"Hey," JJ caught her elbow, "Would you mind taking them to see Diana? My mom was going to before the appointment came up, and it helps make her feel better considering everything going on."

Lydia nodded. She hadn't seen Diana in three years, but she hated the idea of her sitting in that apartment with a nurse who she was vaguely familiarised with. "Yeah, of course. I'm... I'm going to go catch Pen before she gives you the briefing, tell them I'll be five minutes."

There was a curiosity to JJ's eyes, but she didn't question her further. They parted ways, and she entered Garcia's Batcave with a gentle tap on the door.

"Hey, Pen, about your chart—"

"If you're going to ask to go first—"

"No, no. Not that. I actually... I think it would be better if I wasn't on there at all."

She stopped rifling through the stack of papers on her desk, freezing for a moment before she turned abruptly to face her. "What— " She seemed to take in the expression on her face, because her shoulders dropped in a sigh, "Oh, sweet girl."

Lydia's eyes were darting around the room, looking anywhere but the sympathy on the other woman's face. "He only gets three visits a week, I don't want to waste the only time he gets away from those cells. We haven't had any kind of non-work related conversation in three years, I don't want him to have to navigate that when he could feel more comfortable with one of you guys."

Garcia opened her mouth to argue, but seemingly decided against it. "Will you at least write him a letter?" She pleaded hopefully, "Even if you think boy wonder won't want to hear from you— which I know he will— the letter will at least give him one more thing to occupy his time with."

Lydia gave her an apprehensive look, so Garcia added, "Please? Just think about it?"

She could never say no to her, "Fine. Fine, I'll think about it."

She sighed out in relief, turning to scoop up the files.  Lydia took half, knowing she was walking in that direction to get the boys anyway. After helping to hand out the information to each team member, she said her goodbyes and led the kids out to her car. Henry clambered in on his own, but Michael still needed a little help with buckling up in his Spider-man car seat.

"You boys want to go see Diana?" She questioned, shifting into gear and giving them a quick glance when checking her blind spots. Michael gave a cheer, but Henry's brows furrowed.

"You're taking us?"

Lydia hummed, hoping to sound nonchalant, "Yeah, that okay?" 

"Yeah..." Henry answered, his confusion still evident, "You just... you don't go to Uncle Spence's anymore."

Her mind went blank for a moment— she knew Henry remembered all those times she and Spencer babysat him together, he'd even asked her for quite awhile afterward why they'd stopped doing it. But that had been years ago, and it was easier to give excuses to a kid who didn't think too much into things. Henry was older now, more inquisitive, and she couldn't think of anything that would ease him from worrying about some sort of conflict between her and his god-parent. That is, if he hadn't already figured it out.

"I don't, do I?" She said, meeting his gaze through her mirror. Lydia let out a sigh, returning her eyes to the road. He wasn't stupid— she wouldn't treat him like he was, "What do you remember? About me and Uncle Spencer?"

It would sting her to hear it, but this wasn't about protecting her feelings. She wanted to make him feel better, ease that crease in his forehead.

"You always looked after me together, and then you stopped." He looked sad, and it made her feel incredibly guilty, "I remember mom and dad's wedding, and you and Uncle Spencer were dancing, and Uncle Derek told me that it'll be your wedding next. I know he was just joking, because Mom would always say that you were best friends, but..."

He trailed off, and it took all of Lydia's willpower to keep her fingers from shaking against the wheel. She remembers the way Spencer looked at her, the way it made her feel like the most important person in the world.

"But then you stopped doing things together, and mom said it was just because you were busy at different times, but she always looked sad when she said it. And then when I would ask you or uncle Spencer you'd both look sad too."

Lydia swallowed. The image of a younger Henry, frowning up at her as she tucked him into bed flashed through her mind. He's just got a lot of work to do, honey. Maybe he'll be here next time.

"We had a... falling out. Sometimes that happens, you know? People have differences," She explained, then added, because she hated the idea of him worrying about two people he loved disliking each other, "But that doesn't mean that I don't still care about him, okay?"

"I know," He said quietly, "I think... that Uncle Spencer misses you, sometimes."

Lydia almost swerved on the road because his words were so unexpected to her, but she played it off with a small hum. Henry nodded to himself, like he was concluding something, "I think that he wishes you were friends again."

God, her throat felt like it was closing up. She managed a choked noise of acknowledgment, because the words me too were buried in a part of her brain that she couldn't open the door to. To admit it, even to herself, would be like welcoming in all those other locked away pains and hurts she'd been avoiding.

"M-maybe," She managed to say. Then to change the topic, "Your mom said you had some drawings for Diana, did you bring them in your bag?"

Michael launched into a babble then, and she merely heard his words over the roaring of blood in her ears.

⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪

Spencer's apartment was just how she remembered it— she'd lived in this building at one point, afew floors up from him, and they'd done the work commute together up until she'd had to move elsewhere due to a leak that turned into a whole other multitude of problems that wasn't worth the money it took to repair. She remembers his genuine disappointment when she told him that news, almost as heavy as her own had been. "Hi," She greeted, smiling at the woman who answered the door, "I'm Lydia, you must be Cassie."

She glanced between her and the two children she clearly recognised, "Ah," A warm smile took over her own features, "Yes, come in. JJ said you'd be stopping by."

"Thank you." She gently pushed the boys forwards as the women closed the door behind them. Lydia could see the back of Diana's head, seemingly reading something from her position on the couch.

"She's doing well this morning," Cassie informed, "She's been reading pretty much since she got up, but she hasn't refused breakfast or fluids. Just been... quite."

Lydia nodded, giving another thankful smile before she guided the boys further into the room. Diana sat stick straight, adorned by a pink dressing down and slightly messy hair. There was a book resting in her lap, and she was quietly caressing the page as if preparing to turn it.

"Hey, Diana," She said, the women's attention snapping towards her, "I'm Lyd—"

"Oh, I know who you are," She waved off, as if Lydia was crazy for even insinuating she didn't, "About time Spencer brought you around again, that way I don't have to hear him rambling on about you for hours." She glanced around for a moment, as if looking for something, "Where is my boy, by the way?"

Lydia blinked for a moment, trying to orientate herself in Diana's mindset. She knows Spencer tells his mother just about everything, so he definitely would have told her about their broken relationship— which meant that she didn't remember the fact that her and Spencer are no longer friends anymore. She also doesn't remember the fact that Spencer is in jail, something Lydia felt better to gloss over considering the turmoil it would cause for only a brief moment of clarity before forgetting all over again.

"Spence is working," She explained, "But the boys wanted to see you, so I said I'd bring them over."

"Oh!" A smile widened her features, and two younger boys who had been waiting patiently a few feet away finally moved forwards for their greetings. Lydia admired their understanding nature— it wasn't easy to navigate situations like this at such a young age, and Henry and Micheal were dealing with it perfectly. "Well come and sit! Hello!"

The boys clambered onto the couch, and Lydia perched atop the armrest to observe as they talked. She couldn't shake the nostalgia of it all, and it made her think about Penelope and the letter she'd asked her to write. Being here made all those memories come out from the dark and shadowy corners of her mind and into the spotlight. And strangely, here, it was easy to forget all the other things she seemed to cling onto no matter how hard she wished to be able to let go.

Here she could remember when they talked for hours on his couch, not the way her black heels sunk into the mud of a church yard as she stood surrounded by every member of the team but him. She could remember all the other times he was there for her, and not that one, big, time he wasn't.

Yes, it had hurt her unequivocally. But the thought of leaving him to think that she didn't care about him being in prison was even worse. She did care, more than anything. It was jarring to her— not necessarily the realisation, because realistically she knew that she wasn't able to flip a switch and become indifferent to him after everything. But letting something fester while ignoring it was different entirely to when it was acknowledged.

She watched as Henry explained his drawing to Diana, his features animated in a way that tugged at her heart. The last time they were here together, Michael hadn't even been born yet. When she thought about how much he had changed since then, it really put into perspective how much time had passed.

Lydia stood up from the couch, the others too distracted to notice her movements, and opened a draw on Spencer's shelving unit. A small smile tugged her lips upwards— he still kept his stationary in the exact same place he used to. His whole apartment was like a time capsule, only a few changes over the years. She pulled out a blank piece of paper and pen, sitting down at his desk and feeling nostalgia roll over her in a bittersweet wave.

Crossword puzzles. Books in quiet company. Coffee and too much sugar. Rambled facts and debates on the best shows. How he'd stand in front of the tv, hands flying around himself as he explained the intricacies of something she didn't fully understand.

Spencer,

She stared at his name, formed in her handwriting,  and willed herself to let her walls down. Just this once.

You always did manage to get yourself into the most unpredictable, unpresidented, situations I've ever known. And yet, just when i think i've seen it all, something always manages to shock the system.
One thing remains constant, however. We always get through it, don't we? This will be no different. I'm certain of it. The team won't rest until then,

She hesitated, pen hovering over the page, and neither will I.

Lydia glanced at the boys, chatting idly to Diana. They were his world, and if he couldn't see them, she'd paint the picture for him.

I went to see your mother today. Remember the first time you introduced me to her? She said "Spencer, what's this legally blonde wanna be staring at me for?" You were mortified, but I don't think I ever told you that I loved her instantly. How could i not? She was so unbelievably real, so passionate, and, well... she raised you. I think I won her over too, by the end of the day. Atleast, that's what the doctors had said when they kicked us out at the end of visiting hours and she didn't want us to go until they threatened to keep us there. In truth, I was just happy that you trusted me with her. With that part of your life. I hope you don't mind that i'm visiting her now. JJ promised the boys that they could see her, and i'm babysitting so, naturally, i'm here too.

She thinks —

Lydia stopped. She couldn't bring herself to tell him about how she still believes that they are friends. That would be admitting that they weren't. And while that was very, very, obvious in an unspoken way— putting it into words would be like writing it in law. It would make it real. Consequential. Unavoidable. Confronting. She crossed the words out so that they were unreadable.

She doesn't know where you are. l think you'd want it that way. She seems happy, too. Cassie says she's been doing well, considering everything. Books have been keeping her busy and she's eating and drinking enough. It's nice to see.

Micheal and Henry miss you. They've said it at least a dozen times today, and there's a million plans waiting for you when you get out. I think Henry saw this youtube video about a science experiment he wants to do with you, and he's tried explaining it to me but we both know that science was never my strong suit. Michael's a little less interested in science at the minute, so maybe there's hope for me to win favourite godparent, yet. Though, he tells me he likes your bedtime stories better. Something about you doing the voices. Mine aren't as convincing, apparently.

I believe him.

I tell them you'll be out soon. Because you will. I have no doubt about it, Spencer, and you know i'd never lie to them or give them false hope. The thing is, I've never met someone as resilient as you are, and if anyone could get through this, it's you.

So, i'll see you soon.

Lydia.

She drummed her fingers against the wood, then folded the letter up and put it in an envelope before she could overthink it. Her eyes snagged on a framed picture that sat in the corner of his desk, heart stalling within her chest. It was them, around three years after she'd joined the BAU. They were both perched on the edge of his desk, copy of the newyork times in his hands and grins on their faces. She was pointing at the crossword, and she remembers how she had teased him over some obscure word that had taken all of three seconds for him to figure out. His eyes were on her.

All of a sudden, she missed him so much it was crushing her. When they were at work and he was just a few feet away, it was easy to remember all of the other things that tore them apart. But knowing he was so far out of her reach, the distance had never felt so screamingly raw. She wanted the time back when they were best friends and knew everything about each other. Before the funeral. Before he stopped trusting her with his problems. Before he decided she wasn't good enough to listen to them anymore.

Lydia inhaled sharply, swallowing the lump in her throat. The time on the clock provided her with ample excuse to leave, "Hey, boys," She cleared her throat, "We've got to be heading out if we want to get to the museum in time for the tour."

After saying their goodbyes to Diana, Lydia managed to make it through the day without talking herself out of sending the letter. There was a large part of her that wanted him to read it, and ironically, that was what made her all the more reluctant. She was scared to blur the lines between civil co-workers and what they were before, again.

She'd met JJ back at the bullpen with the boys, still leaning against her desk long after they'd left. The envelope rested in between her fingers as she stared a hole into the name plaque on Spencer's desk. It was still scattered with his trinkets and books like he was only away for the weekend— the thought of all those things one day being permanently gone was something she wouldn't even entertain.

"Hey, kid." Rossi's voice cut through her daze, and she offered a tired smile to the older man who came to rest beside her.

"Rossi, hey," She straightened up, "How was the case?"

He blew at out a breath, "Still seeing new ways that people can be twisted after all these years."

"Do you think that will ever stop?"

Rossi let out an amused scoff, "Nope."

Lydia chuckled, "Well, at least you'll never be out of new material for your books."

"My publishing days are over," He sent her a look of mock exhaustion,  "I'm a busy man now."

"Yeah, okay." She eyed him knowingly, "I'll believe it when I see it."

Rossi snorted, the bullpen settling into quietness for a brief moment. His gaze landed on the letter in her hands, understanding crossing over his features. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm okay," She pursed her lips, hoping he wasn't using his profiling skills to see through her. She knew that was wishful thinking, however, drawing out a sigh, "This isn't about me."

"Like hell it isn't," He raised a brow at her, "Just because you're not the one locked up, doesn't mean it's not going to affect you, too."

She stared at him a beat longer before tearing her gaze away, training it on her shoes.

"My advice, kid," Rossi said earnestly, "It's time to forgive him. Life is far too complicated to be trying to ignore the kind of feelings you two have for eachother. Trust me, I'd know."

He reached out to pat her shoulder before he went, and ten minutes later, it was his words that had her walking into Penelope's batcave.

Garcia's face lit up when she saw her, a hopeful gaze so intense it almost looked like she was holding her breath. Lydia paused for a moment, giving herself a final second to re-think it, before she pulled the letter out from her pocket. Garcia's smile stretched so wide you'd think it was a winning lottery ticket in her hands.

"He'll be so grateful, Lydia." She said, taking it from her as if it was something incredibly delicate, "Really."

She gave a small smile in response, "I hope so."

Then, because it was Garcia, Lydia felt herself being crushed into an embrace. At first she hesitated, but then something inside her broke. So, she wrapped her arms around the women, melting into her hold.

"Oh," Gracia said, running a hand over her back, "You really needed this, huh?"

"You have no idea," Lydia muttered.

I LOVE THEM, YOUR HONOUR! it's been so nice to finally get out of my writers block, so i hope you enjoyed reading this as much as i did writing it. as always, your thoughts are always welcome so please feel free to leave them! <3